Aibu re 14 to did at home alone with boyfriend?

[NoonarAgain]

Dd is 14 and is very sensible and old fashioned almost re sex, alcohol, smoking etc. She has a boyfriend of nearly 15. Dd is very physically mature. She wants me to allow BF to come over while I am at work tomorrow and is giving me the 'you don't trust me' spiel.

Aibu to say that he is welcome but only when we are home?

Also, she does go to his house and I have no way of knowing who is there.

I do trust her, actually, but it would seem negligent almost not to supervise them to some extent.

I've told her that it might not always be a 'no' but that I need to have time to think and talk to dh, which I can't go by the morning.
Aibu?

Help!

[MylaMimi]

seen it feels like you're saying OP should say yes because her DD bothered to ask her, also she's obviously going to do it anyway if OP says no... none of which are necessarily the case. I think OP's DD asked because that's the way she was brought up and as such, the chances are good that she'll respect OP's decision rather than totally override it. If she was like that she wouldn't have asked in the first place. She's looking to OP for guidance and setting standards, which OP has (in my opinion) wisely done.

[SeenYourArse]

She's asked you that says a lot! Would've been easier to just have him round after you left and leave before you get home... (Which she may just do if you say no?!)

[ethelb]

Get DH to talk to her, he's the one who knows what it's like to be an adolescent boy!


^^ vom

[midcenturymodern]

I wouldn't want a boy who had 'encouraged' a girl to text what I assume are naked pics in my house even if I was in, but I've got no tolerance for dickheads.

[Beeziekn33ze]

ps I wouldn't let her have him over when the house is empty.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Get DH to talk to her, he's the one who knows what it's like to be an adolescent boy! 14 is young, at that age many girls get persuaded to go further than they intend or want to. They want to appear cool and mature and are worried they may lose their boyfriend.

[MylaMimi]

It would be a no from me for sure.

I would say No for tomorrow but you can revisit that in the future. But for tomorrow, No.

I would think that if they were up to anything it would be far easier to get up to it in a house than a park or outside somewhere etc. So you would be handing them a comfortable opportunity, rather than a less attractive opportunity which might be passed over for being too cold/uncomfortable/visible etc. Even if she's usually sensible, she's still 14. Flattery can get a lot of lads far even with sensible girls!

[MaQueen]

No, of course I wouldn't.

Nothing go do with trust/not trust.

At nearly 14, DD1 is sensible but still a child and easily capable of being momentarily thoughtless.

So, better to try and minimise such risks.

[Prometheus]

That's how I lost my virginity. Aged 14, boyfriend came round when mum was at work, I was very mature, promised mum I'd be sensible etc.

[Nanny0gg]

Well said, Fairylea

[GrumpyOldBag]

As the Mum of a 14 year old DS I would say no to letting them be alone in the house together.

DS is considerate & respectful to girls, and has had 2 fairly long-term relationships already (& already working on another one!)

His girlfriends have also been nice, sensible girls. While they are allowed to watch TV together in privacy in the family room, they are not allowed into his bedroom. I am usually in the next room & if I do come into the room you can usually cut the hormones in the air with a knife.

I am sure they are inhibited by the presence of other adults in the house & worry that things could get out of hand if they were alone. 14 is too young.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Plenty of my working friends don't allow their kids to have friends of either sex while they're at work.

[Penvelopesnightie]

Yes when I was 14/15 the friends who had great sex and hot boyfriends , that I could only dream about, were the girls who had very liberal parents , the house to themselves or allowed boyfriends in their bedrooms .

[Liiinoo]

DDs were allowed BFs in the bedroom once they turned 16 but only with the doors open and DH and I made a point of noisily stomping upstairs quite regularly. Once they started uni and had steady BFs then they graduated to overnight stays with doors very firmly shut!

[Swordofthespirit]

No I wouldn't and there will be no visitors in the bedroom either. Unpopular, and old fashioned but I don't care.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

No, there's no way I would.

Yes,IF kids want to have sex they will find a way but there's no point making it easy for them.

[FrameyMcFrame]

While I agree to an extent that they will find a way to have sex if that's what they're going to do leaving them in an empty house all day makes it very easy.. I let DD have boyfriends around at home but only when someone is in. They go in her room etc and i wouldn't barge in, but I think it's a little young to be left in the house alone with a boy.
DD 15 btw.

[imwithspud]

My dd's are still very young and before reading the replies on your thread op I wasn't quite sure of the answer either but after reading your thread I can categorically say that no, I wouldn't allow it and I totally agree with the points pp have made about her subconsciously wanting you to say no so she's not put in a situation which may get out of control despite the teenage bravado.

The thing with teenagers is that they think they're grown up and mature when the reality is they're just starting out and are often naive. They need protecting from themselves more than anything else. I'm sure she will be grateful further down the line that you didn't 'allow' this to happen.

Good call also about checking with the boy's parents to ensure they are not left home alone at his house either.

[imwithspud]

If they are both welcome at his house without issue then why the need to be at your home when it just so happens to be empty?

See ipost's post for your answer.

[morethanonebaby]

I think you owe it to your daughter to give her clear boundaries and guidance. She might be sensible, but at 14 you are still easily influenced. If everybody her age is starting to be sexually active, she may feel it is a requirement of any relationship. Especially given her boyfriends se ting history. We all know what teenage boys are like. Lovely and caring they may be, but they are still teenage boys. I think you want to give her an 'out'. And if that's saying he's not allowed over when you aren't there, and she's not allowed round his place without his parents, that's fine. She may well thank you in years to come. And, as other posters have said, if she really wants to have sex, she can find a way somehow, when she's ready. Don't really think there are significant differences in the dangers of having sex in your home unsupervised than having sex in a quiet spot (you say you are rural). I'd see the greatest danger being your daughter feeling coerced into doing something she is not ready or wanting to consent to, and might regret for many years to come. I'd ring his parents and just briefly say you'd prefer they didn't spend time in their house without any adults there. So, if they could tell their son, and try to make sure it doesn't happen. Things might well change, but she is still very young.

[Lelloteddy]

I'd definitely contact his parents. It's entirely possible that they are enforcing the same rule and don't know that she's in the house.

[Dozer]

Ask DD to get the mum's mobile number, then you can speak directly.

My parents both WoH and there was around 90mins between getting home and my mum arriving from work. She was never ever early as she worked shifts in a hospital.

If at all possible I plan to change my work pattern to be in, a lot, when DC are teens, or ban bfs coming over!

[DrDreReturns]

Leave two teenagers together, they're going to have sex. Inevitable.
That's rubbish imo.

[MatildaTheCat]

Yes, I think as the parent of a child you actually should have a word with the boy's parents because you don't fully know what the situation is there when dd visits or if they are even aware. You do need to be on the same page if possible. They might be absolutely fine with them being alone and doing whatever they want but you don't know.

Or, if...big if, your dd did get pregnant whilst unsupervised at your house and the bf's parents were then made aware of then being alone at yours they might well be quite annoyed that the teens had had the opportunity at your house.

I know they will do it somewhere if determined enough but that's different to getting the house to themselves and then just getting carried away. We all know how easily that happens and you have to protect dd from that.

[thedogstinks]

I agree with ipost. I lost my virginity earlier than I wanted to because parents didn't set boundaries. And I was caught up in the moment and didn't set them for myself. He was a very nice boy. By all accounts grown into a nice man. I was still way too young. Afterwards, I thought "well, I can't just go back to holding hands and kissing."