Aibu re 14 to did at home alone with boyfriend?

[NoonarAgain]

Dd is 14 and is very sensible and old fashioned almost re sex, alcohol, smoking etc. She has a boyfriend of nearly 15. Dd is very physically mature. She wants me to allow BF to come over while I am at work tomorrow and is giving me the 'you don't trust me' spiel.

Aibu to say that he is welcome but only when we are home?

Also, she does go to his house and I have no way of knowing who is there.

I do trust her, actually, but it would seem negligent almost not to supervise them to some extent.

I've told her that it might not always be a 'no' but that I need to have time to think and talk to dh, which I can't go by the morning.
Aibu?

Help!

[April229]

I don't think you are being neglectful to begin to give her some adult freedom. Ultimately if they want to have sex they will fine somewhere, very easily. could you have a rule of no boyfriends in the bedroom so they are downstairs? It would be a bold bf that would try something on the couch when you could walk in any time.

It might be a good time to talk about boundaries, how you trust her but want make sure she makes good choices, you're there if she needs to talk about anything etc? It's likely that over the next few ears she will start having sex so think about what boundaries / trust / transparency you want between you and her in these next years and start making these discussions a model for that?

[Fairylea]

I never get the whole "if it's not your house it will be somewhere else" type replies these threads get. The whole point is not whether they will have sex, because yes if they're going to they will, but whether if, as a parent, you should be seen to be endorsing it. And at 14 I don't think anyone should be. It's a bit like saying it's okay for 14 year olds to take drugs at home because if you don't let them they'll do it at the park. People get far more upset about drugs on mumsnet than sex when both are actually as dangerous and damaging to teenagers.

I know I sound like a right bundle of laughs but as someone who lost their virginity at 18 and didn't have a boyfriend until around then I'd be seriously disappointed in myself as a parent if my dd had sex before 16 at least. Harsh but that's just how I feel and having a no boyfriends home alone rule until then is part of my making my disapproval of young teen sex very clear.

It doesn't mean she won't have underage sex, and if she does and I find out then I won't actually go batshit crazy but I'll be sensitive and talk it though properly but as a parent it's absolutely okay to say no, that's not appropriate.

[LuluJakey1]

My teenage boyfriend was lovely. He would never have pressurised me. He came round every Thursday night when my mum and dad went out and we both just got carried away the first time and kissing led to touching and a few Thursdays later to sex.
I was surprised at myself really but there you go.Circumstances, opportunity and lust. Once we had done it we kept doing it. He arrived with his homework books and went home never having done any homework. We had to go into school early on the Friday morning to do our homework in the library before we had Maths and Physics.

[LuluJakey1]

I do think we would have waited if we hadn't had the opportunity of a house to ourselves for 4 hours.

[RunningLulu]

I personally wouldn't allow it. I was 13 when I lost my virginity and still regret it. Prior to the sex I always had old fashioned views but my bf talked me around.

[iPost]

As a teenager I would fight for the relaxing of the boundaries. Be outwardly outraged when they didn't budge very much, but inwardly very relieved that I could continue blaming my stupid old fashioned parents for not allowing me to be in a situation where I wasn't at all sure I could keep things within the boundaries of what I truly felt comfortable with.

I was kind of terrified of what I knew my boyfriend would quite like to do. And on one hand I sort of wanted to too. But it was also terrifying. So I didn't want to do it. All at the same time.

My parents maintaining those (publicly) detested boundaries bought me breathing space while the "horny but scared shitless" confusion raged on.

I was gutted when they suddenly got tied up in their own stuff, forgot about boundaries and I got the freedom I been yelling that I wanted. I felt cornered. By what he wanted to do with me. What a part of me wanted to do with him. And by what my parents evidently thought it was fine for me to do, cos they weren't even trying anymore to put any barriers in the way to protect me from my own teenage lack of knowing anything about anything.

It kind of felt like saying no was no longer an option when I lost my face saving opt out card of ""chuh! Stupid parents won't let you come over and be alone with me".

So I had sex.

Becuase of all the used signals I was sending out, and becuase teenage years ap an be a huge confusing, contradictory mess of want/don't want/fuck know what I want ... I'd rather err on the side of caution with a 14 yo and provide boundaries and ready made "blame me, the old fashioned parent" barriers until they were a bit older.

[iPost]

used signals= mixed signals

[Nanny0gg]

Nope. Not a chance.

[Lilacpink40]

No YANBU. I think if you imagine talking with your sensible DD in a few years time about this she'd understand your perpective too.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

The argument is for worrying about what they might get up to is. If they want to have sex. They'll find somewhere to do it. You'll never stop them. If that's what they want

[KickAssAngel]

Your DD may well be sensible, but like iPoat said, want to have some reinforcements of the boundaries. OK, so she says she wants him to come over, but if they started getting more physical she'd find it a whole load easier to deal with if you were around. Just say no and tell her it's because you want to give her the chance to blame you for any brakes on the relationship. She may be surprised how much things change when faced with a 'we could do anything' type scenario. She may even be a bit shocked by her own desires and internal conflicts.

[Wastinmylifeaway]

If they are both welcome at his house without issue then why the need to be at your home when it just so happens to be empty?

[KoalaDownUnder]

It would be a big fat unconditional NO from me.

Reasons summed up succinctly by Fairylea.

[Squabblesallaround]

As a teenager/20's/married woman I never had sex in my parents house whether they were there or not. Mainly out of respect and that it just felt a bit wrong plus the corn field was much more adventurous

I like iposts comments though and would personal say no if it was my DC. She may be ready but equally you could be providing her with a needed safety net

[Jiggeriepokerie]

In the recent past I might have said yes. Since my daughter's old school friend has just had her first 8lb 7oz baby at the age of 15 I've re-thought my position!

[cece]

I remember being 14. I was also 'sensible'.

It would be a no from me.

[Lelloteddy]

An absolute no from me.

I also don't buy into the whole 'they'll do it anyway' argument.

I won't endorse my young teen having sex. I can't guarantee that she WON'T have sex but I'm totally with your DH on this, especially with the history.

[Chasingsquirrels]

How would you actually enforce it?
If you said no, but she is home alone, would you even know if he came over?

[IAmNotAWitch]

haha, no chance.

I remember being a 14 year old girl.

NO CHANCE

[Snog]

I wouldn't allow this as I think it makes it too easy for her to have underage sex, something I do not want for my dd.

[NoonarAgain]

Thanks so much everyone. This advice has been really helpful.
I think that ipost has hit the nail on the head.

I think that giving a strong msg to them both is important. I'm also not sure that they would 'do it anyway', given the fact that they are reliant on lifts ( rural area with poor transport) and no longer at the same school as if next week, although I accept that this may often be the case.

Should I be getting his parents' number and checking there is someone gone when Dd goes there?? Or do I believe her when she says there's always been someone home??

[NoonarAgain]

'Someone Home' not 'gone'

[NoonarAgain]

Should I get dh to contact the parents on Facebook or just ask Dd the get their number?

I'm not sure why I'm allowing this double standard re his house/ our house but it seems to have come about...