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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my bil is unemployable and in laws will have to fund him

31 replies

pleasemothermay1 · 01/09/2016 20:03

My bil is 28 and never had a job he currently get an allowance of about 12k a year and lives in a very nice part of town in in laws flat

He has adegree in a subject that is pretty much a flight of fancy and is not getting a "proper" job because he is waiting to be discovered

He is quite depressed tbh we feel it's most likely caused by nit much purpose in life meaning he has nothing to get up for he was hoarding and nut really looking fire the flat so inlaws got a cleaner

Dh wanted inlaws to tackle the elephant in the room he's is very bright and really dh thinks he needs to do one of 3 things

Get any job
Get a art related job
Or re train nd get a job

However because he's 28 and never worked not even a staurday job it's unlikely any one would hire him he's also prone to switching off his phone that's also paid for by in lawsand taking off

Aibu to think this is really a Situation off there own making and they really needed to be firmer with him but it's a bit late now when it's likey he quite past being able to handle a job of any kind and because he's so used to being funded by in laws he won't here of even taking somthing art related it has to be a jobbing artist or nothing and tbh the type of art he dose is not the type you could even buy and hang on the walls

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasemothermay1 · 01/09/2016 20:08

They live in the uk but not mainland so we're left to sort out everything my bil is very sweet but because he's been funded to the empth degree

It's diffcult to see how it's just his fault he sits round all day sitting in cafes in shorditch with arty types with long beards or attending jc rally's 😕

The longer he's been out of work the worse is MH gets and in laws answer is just up his allowance

We even offered to stay with us but we're very strict about him having to get a job and pay rent can you believe it he declined

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/09/2016 20:19

I'd be shuffling away from this situation, or risk being drawn into taking over the parental / unconditional giving type role his parents currently fulfil.

Yes, he probably has made himself unemployable in the kind of job he'd deign to do. He'd have to start right at the bottom at even the most basic of jobs. Which it sounds like he wouldn't be bothered to do. It's such a waste of a life.

And yes, his mental health is probably suffering a lot more than if he was engaging with the world in a more productive capacity.

But the only person who can change his life is himself. Once someone has gone down this road, it's very hard to pull them out of it. I suppose his parents could try by cutting off his allowance, the cleaner (!), the free accommodation and general pwecious snowflake existence... But he'd probably find another source of free stuff and other people to scrounge off.

I'd just make sure that isn't you!

Haffdonga · 01/09/2016 20:22

Suggest art related vounteering to build his confidence and get something on his CV.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/09/2016 20:26

By the way, really, don't have him to live with you! Unless you're ready to become his next source of support.

Those 'strings attached' type of arrangements never work. Those types of people will lie and say they'll get a job/ do whatever, but when it comes down to it, there will always be an excuse, and then you're stuck with a hoarding, dirty, layabout in your personal space and home!

Worst. Idea. Ever.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 01/09/2016 20:38

Is that you, Owen? ;)

mumofthemonsters808 · 01/09/2016 21:03

As you rightly say, it is incredibly difficult to enter the job market when you have zero experience to bring to the role. He probably would not even make the interview shortlist. I find it very frustrating when I hear people flippantly stating that someone needs to get a job, if only if was that easy, the job market is hard to enter and the competition is stiff. Sometimes people do manage to get a break and it changes the course of their life, we all need a helping hand at sometime in our life.Work provides us with a sense of purpose and identity, without it, everyday is like Sunday, so I can understand how the depression has crept in. Volunteering may be an option, I don't know the solution, I just think it's very sad reading and I'm sorry for his parents, it must be a great worry for them.

HairyToity · 01/09/2016 21:09

I had three years not working, from 26 to 29 - there is a back story to this. If they are rich enough to give him an allowance, are they rich enough to 'create' a job for him? They need to put some imagination into this, and should have dealt with it 6 years ago. His self esteem will be very low from not working. He needs a mentor.

WizardOfToss · 01/09/2016 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

pleasemothermay1 · 01/09/2016 21:52

My fil is in law so he can't just give him a job in law you have to have the qualifications and then it's about long hard work and social butter flying

I don't think bil has that in him

And what is my interest I hate seeing my bright funny bil waste away at this point in time my 16 has more work behind him

And if in laws do cut him off he will be homeless partly down to them tbh

He current lives like Somone who is homeless eats soup , dresses from charity shops he's also renting out the front room and is getting the income from that he often is not even sleeping there often choosing to sleep at the art work shop they rent for him

Very sad I would hate him to get to 30 like this you can't be happy living like this

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 01/09/2016 22:11

He is still young in the scheme of things, so might sort himself out eventually.

I went to university with quite a lot of arty-free-flowy types and, as far as I can see, several of them did seem to pull their finger out by their mid thirties and find a proper direction with a semi-regular pay packet (albeit still with a fair bit of parental support for re-training/re-settling/getting re-started). I think it coincided with waking up and realising that some of their friends were actually making their way in the world e.g. buying houses, getting well-paid jobs etc while all they had on their CV was a couple of appearances in fringe theatre.

But definitely don't have him live with you - terrible idea!

MaybeDoctor · 01/09/2016 22:17

Note - I don't mean that there is anything intrinsically wrong with an artistic life and something intrinsically virtuous about a well-paid, property owning existence.

The people I am thinking of eventually managed to make the transition from being largely unemployed and almost wholly dependent on their parents with very transient/occasional work (plus a lot of time and money spent on partying) to doing something which kept some of their artistic credentials intact, but was a bit more productive/regular/income generating.

GabsAlot · 01/09/2016 22:33

my sister was like this-baically spoilt until our mum died-she got endless aounts of money didnt need to do anything felt a massive self entitlement to al this free stuff

my dad changed his ways stopped giving her money

the only way he will stop is for people to stop enabling his behaviour

cant your dh talk to his parents about the money situation-theyre not doing t hemselves or him any favours

Tabsicle · 02/09/2016 00:06

You say he has an art shop. Is he actually doing something there? Because that is work. And it is possible to make a living from art or art related fields. It's also possible to be self supporting without getting some kind of virtuous 9-5. A mate of mine went from writing freelance on the internet for pennies, then crept up to web journalism to properly paid freelance journalism and fiction. Earns poorly, but enough to live on. Another started painting jackets and moved into design work. Again, she's poor but pays rent. Neither have ever held down a normal job and both would probably be poorly suited to it.

And 28 isn't that old. At 28 I had never had a proper job either - I'd done a PhD instead, in a totally useless subject. I'm not saying it is easy to go from zero to job, but if he is supported by parents he has lots of options for volunteering/retraining etc. Maybe he'll do that. But either way, it isn't really your problem. Leave him to it.

clerquin · 02/09/2016 06:09

Detach and don't get involved! My SIL is 30+ is enabled by the ILS to 'follow her dreams' in being an artist. This means that she is financially supported by them to the extent that they have bought her a flat outright so that she can continue a PT arts job (tutor on an arts course). This has caused significant amount of tension/arguments amongst the siblings/parents regarding the issue of favouritism. Distance has helped DH greatly although that has upset the ILS who simply doesn't understand why their other children are not happy with their decision to basically gift £80K to one child and nothing to the others! Stay out of it!

WipsGlitter · 02/09/2016 06:47

Art workshop I think not shop.

Does he have friends and a social life?
Is he happy?

DP and Bil are typical career types (law and accountancy - boring!!) SIL is the "arty" one who did lots of flirting about. She settled in her late 30swhen she (a) met someone and (b) wised up. FIL still gave her a final boost buying a house for her ( ) but she pretty much manages in her own now.

28 is still young really. Just because you're maybe in in the rat race dies by mean he has to be.

Chottie · 02/09/2016 07:01

Could your BiL start by volunteering in his chosen field?

A few days a week volunteering would give him some work experience, someone to give him a reference, something to add to his CV. It could be a gently way into paid work for him.

GoldFishFingerz · 02/09/2016 07:05

A good bet would be doing voluntary work in an art gallery or community arts place. He probably needs his confidence built up and to get some references. Then looked for paid jobs when he feels more confident

GoldFishFingerz · 02/09/2016 07:06

Even just helping out in a charity shop can be a start.

Dozer · 02/09/2016 07:13

Why on earth would you offer to have him live with you?! Mad! Don't ever do that.

Ditto "having to sort things out" . Not your or your H's problem.

All H can do is give his opinion to the parents that he disagrees with their actions and will no longer be actively complicit in "helping" them/BIL.

What if one or both of the parents were ill or died, and could no longer fund him? Guess he'd need to seek jobseekers allowance and housing help. Do they plan to leave BIL more money than their other DC?

MaybeDoctor · 02/09/2016 07:15

The other thing is that your PIL may well be happy to fund him indefinitely - they must, on some level, have known that this was a possibility when he did an art degree. Also if FIL is a lawyer and of the baby-boom generation then they may have cash to spare.

Not logical, or healthy, but quite possible.

MissMargie · 02/09/2016 07:35

I agree you should keep out of it - if you'help' and it goes wrong you will be held responsible, never him.
I was thinking voluntary work, soup kitchen? Just to get him out and socialising

takesnoprisoners · 02/09/2016 07:41

The BIl doesn't care, PIL don't mind funding. You have no Say in this. Get your DH to talk to them and see if that works. Again, even he can't push things beyond a point. Good luck.

LunaLoveg00d · 02/09/2016 07:59

We have a relative like this who is in a worse situation as although he's younger, left school without sitting his GCSEs so has no qualifications, no work experience, no voluntary experience and no social skills. He has zero prospect of ever getting a job. Parents are facilitating this.

There is nothing you can do apart from refuse to be part of the facilitating.

user7755 · 02/09/2016 08:02

Find a MH based arts charity and encourage him to go along and volunteer with them?

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