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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage shitty behaviour

78 replies

Skooblies1 · 30/08/2016 23:09

Hi all. Long post, sorry. I have one child. DD is 13 and is obsessed with social media and is constantly on her phone. She used to tell me everything and I knew that would eventually change. That happened a few months ago and has become friendly with other teenagers that don't seem to share the same ethos I am trying to instil in her. (These friends go out all hours, have boyfriends etc). She has lied to me on a number of occasions and has been punished accordingly (generally taking away her phone and iPad does the trick)

Anyway my post is more around her casual selfishness and taking everything for granted. We have just come back from a fantastic holiday and I had to tread on eggshells the whole time to make sure she was in the right mood. God forbid we went anywhere that didn't have wifi etc.

I was hoping this holiday would help us to engage as a family again but no. She is back in her room all the time and struggles to make the effort to come and eat her dinner and then goes back upstairs for the rest of the evening to chat with friends.

I know she is a teenager but AIBU to want a little more? I have ignored her tonight and want to actually show her how hurtful and selfish she is being. I want to give her a bit of a taste of her own medicine but not sure I have it in me.

As context, there is me, dh (who feels the same) and her. We have had many many conversations with her and the theme she picks up is that we are 'constantly having a go at her'

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 30/08/2016 23:16

I've learnt with my dd that really, I am constantly having a go at her. Because we are stuck on the merry go round. Horrible morning today where I tried to do something nice and she was horrible. I persevered with it anyway and she is banned from all electronics and she has grovelled now an apology.

All social media like Instagram is banned via my internet router and there is no 3G in my house. I use FB myself she's not interested in it. Also I made it clear until she is an adult the phone is not hers as paid by me so I can check it whenever I wish to and I do. She has parental settings on her other devices. I just feel like she isn't old enough or trustworthy enough to be doing certain stuff yet. Sometimes she hates me for it but I think she knows I am trying to keep her safe.

Some teens have a really rough ride and push all the boundaries you just have to keep putting them down but also trying to stay positive too. SOME battles are not worth it....

Original poster
Skooblies1 · 30/08/2016 23:26

It's bloody exhausting isn't it? I feel that speak to her in a really reasonable manner all the time trying to make her understand where I am coming from. However, tonight I am just done with her. Feel like not bothering with her for a while to show that I can give zero fucks as well. (That is really not me as I am a really sensitive person and just want to make her happy)

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 30/08/2016 23:28

I've tried everything but usually the thing that works is when I totally crack up and cry!

I also sometimes just go out for a walk and leave her indoors so I can clear my head and not continue the argument. This works too.

With the bedroom I now say no dinners in their room but they can go straight up after. Also I try to find films I think they will like and ask if we can watch them together (even if I don't like them) and it has to be device free for 2 hours. Then they can go back on!

Original poster
Skooblies1 · 30/08/2016 23:31

I also find it too much and have a good cry sometimes. She acts suitably contrite but then it is back to normal.

OP posts:
User545454 · 30/08/2016 23:36

I feel your pain my DD 15 appears to only bother to engage if she wants money and has been a complete ass all summer. Every day I try and be positive but frankly she depresses me she has NOTHING positive to say ever and everything's not fair -the fact I won't buy her vodka, condone her abusive boyfriend, or let her stay out till 3am , she is literally spoiling for a fight the entire time. She is out loads but comes in and just trashes the house-fake tan all over cream carpets, rubbish left on floors , dirty clothes on bathroom floor, seems unable to brush her teeth without covering the entire bathroom, "borrows" my stuff without asking, leaves doors open when she goes out .

Sweetandsour93 · 31/08/2016 00:12

Could you introduce some limits to her social media access? No phone after a certain time or switch off the wifi at set times? I appreciate how difficult it is though. It's hard for teens to ignore fb/Instagram etc once they are used to spending so much time on there.

Also, I think most teens go through the moodiness and anger, all of us did. It's just that now with all the online stuff, even when they're at home they are never away from their mates etc.

paddlingpool · 31/08/2016 00:23

Is there anything you both enjoy, that you could do together? It's not easy but if you build a joint friendship it really helps with other issues. Cinema, alternative markets that sell indie type stuff, food or chocolate markets? I am sure you may have tried this already but just putting it out there in case you haven't xx

Kiwiinkits · 31/08/2016 04:44

You might try over on the teens board - lots of people in similar circumstances there to talk to.

Kiwiinkits · 31/08/2016 04:44

You might try over on the teens board - lots of people in similar circumstances there to talk to.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/08/2016 06:57

She sounds completely normal; she's finding independence from you and enjoying it,making new friends and not giving a stuff about her Parents.

Of course, when she lied to you, you had to dish out the consequences but other than that she sounds like any teen growing up.

We had the wifi issue too with ds3-16 , he was very confident in asking for the code wherever we went, yes he was glued to his phone but we both accepted that < shrugs shoulders>

I don't think there's anything to be gained by you crying and making her feel guilty, I don't mean that harshly either.

ihatethecold · 31/08/2016 07:10

There is a very good book that I've dipped into before to help me when my ds was hard work.

It's called
"Get out of my life but first can you take me to town"

Or something like thatGrin
It made sense.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 07:17

Whatever you do avoid crying- she is not responsible for your emotions and it will push her away.
She is an only child and has had plenty of attention- it is difficult for you to find that things change.
Don't walk on eggshells - just do your own thing and ignore sulks etc.
She will come through it - she is at a very difficult age. They are generally very pleasant when they eventually emerge!

Original poster
Skooblies1 · 31/08/2016 07:23

Thanks all. When she is not glued to her phone and we spend quality time together she is great. So engaging and funny. We do stuff together but obviously I am now back at work and she is in her mess of a bedroom for the day. I worry for when she goes back to school next week. Her friends are far more important than studying and we are going to clash big time. There is also the only child thing. If you have no siblings to bounce off then that makes you much more selfish. Trust me I have tried everything! I know a lot of this is normal teenage behaviour (was I this selfish? Probably, but I had a dreadful childhood). Here she is with loving and caring parents and it gets thrown back. Eugh, where do I get off?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 07:24

What Fresh said x 100.

Limit the use of phone at home but other than that leave her to it and do your own thing!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 07:27

There is also the only child thing. If you have no siblings to bounce off then that makes you much more selfish that is simply untrue,most teens become a but selfish around this age but not because they are single children.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 07:27

**bit

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 07:30

I think that the clue might be in that you had a dreadful childhood and so have bent over backwards to provide a wonderful childhood and you are expecting gratitude. You are not going to get it from a teenager but you probably will in 10yrs time.
Excellent advice from DameDiazepam.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 07:31

It's difficult for a parent when their child goes through adolescence, because they change so much and so many of the changes seem for the worse. But. She is a normal teenager, trying to establish her own identity and grumbling around the house as if the sky is about to fall down. Honestly, so many of them are like this. Continue to set ground rules about where she can go, how much she can mope around in her room and how often you expect her to be with the family, eg for meals. Then accept that there will probably be serious moaning for the next 2-3 years! After that, you will have your sunny little girl back. It's just hormones.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/08/2016 07:33

She doesn't know anything else other than loving and caring parents, she's secure and knows she's loved,she isn't throwing anything back at you. Are you giving her the 'you don't know how lucky you are' chat? It doesn't work .

As said upthread, chose your battles, if she wants to spend evenings in her room let her, keep your powder dry for the times you and dh really need to assert yourselves.

OpenMe · 31/08/2016 07:40

I have boys 13 and 15 and I don't pretend for a minute to have all the answers, but I absolutely wouldn't stand for that.

Both my boys spend way too much time on their phones but on holiday or a day out, the phones only come out in the early morning and after dinner - that rule applies to all of us and is consistently applied.

They understand it's purpose, they don't always like it but will admit themselves that they are happier and have a better day when they use the phone less.

I also don't allow gadets upstairs and they know they'll lose it if they get caught out.

It probably sounds ott and controlling, but they're not going to manage it sensibly themselves. Let's face it, it's hard enough to restrict your use to sensible levels as an adult so it's a parents job to step in and do it imo.

My dc aren't perfect but we haven't (yet) gad the behaviour you describe.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 07:43

I don't allow phones after 9pm and definitely not overnight but ds is older,hes 15. At 13 he was not self regulating at all and I was much firmer as phones can be all consuming.

FrameyMcFrame · 31/08/2016 07:53

I've found that 13/14 are the worst ages, then they start to improve when they get to 15 onwards. It's a horrible time but it does get better.
Do you have the passwords for her social media?
Once DD refused to come home at the agreed time and I logged on to her social media, changed the passwords and removed her profile pictures to a black screen. She changed her tune pretty quickly when she realised she couldn't log in. Also removing wifi access completely is a good sanction for awful behavior.
We have tried 'screen free Sunday' which was an idea I got off radio 4 women's hour.

whattheseithakasmean · 31/08/2016 07:57

I have boys 13 and 15 and I don't pretend for a minute to have all the answers, but I absolutely wouldn't stand for that.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Your really don't have any answers - what does 'not standing for that' look like, exactly? The issue is, you cannot physically make a teenager do anything, you have to try and work with them as best as you can and survive. One of my girls goes through periods of being unutterably vile. Her sister never was, with the older girl, I could be the parent who 'wouldn't stand' for things. Other one - forget it. I would have to get the phone off her (how? by force?) and hide it where she couldn't find it every day. By day 2 I would no longer be able to take the phone. I am glad your boys are co-operative, but really, you do not have a clue about stroppy teenage girls.

FrameyMcFrame · 31/08/2016 08:02

ihatethecold, the book is
'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town'

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875

I found it really helpful to understanding things from the teenage perspective.

OpenMe · 31/08/2016 08:02

I then went on to explain what I've done to deal with it whatthe. I do love a partial, out of context quote.