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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage shitty behaviour

78 replies

Skooblies1 · 30/08/2016 23:09

Hi all. Long post, sorry. I have one child. DD is 13 and is obsessed with social media and is constantly on her phone. She used to tell me everything and I knew that would eventually change. That happened a few months ago and has become friendly with other teenagers that don't seem to share the same ethos I am trying to instil in her. (These friends go out all hours, have boyfriends etc). She has lied to me on a number of occasions and has been punished accordingly (generally taking away her phone and iPad does the trick)

Anyway my post is more around her casual selfishness and taking everything for granted. We have just come back from a fantastic holiday and I had to tread on eggshells the whole time to make sure she was in the right mood. God forbid we went anywhere that didn't have wifi etc.

I was hoping this holiday would help us to engage as a family again but no. She is back in her room all the time and struggles to make the effort to come and eat her dinner and then goes back upstairs for the rest of the evening to chat with friends.

I know she is a teenager but AIBU to want a little more? I have ignored her tonight and want to actually show her how hurtful and selfish she is being. I want to give her a bit of a taste of her own medicine but not sure I have it in me.

As context, there is me, dh (who feels the same) and her. We have had many many conversations with her and the theme she picks up is that we are 'constantly having a go at her'

OP posts:
ErnesttheBavarian · 31/08/2016 08:11

When I have big problems with my teens I now turn off their phone/laptop. I don't discuss anymore. Only if they have really overstepped the line.

(e.g. I come in from work, they've been in for hours but the breakfast things and lunch things are still on the table and the dishwasher is clean and full. So I have a go at them, get them to sort it out etc. same thing happens the next 2 days in a row, the WIFI is off and devices disabled. I'm not having the same conversation. They know.)

They are bright enough to work out why their device no longer works and the ball is their court to fix it. Saves a lot of moaning and arguing.

And go on holiday without her next year. All 4 of mine went to an amazing sport camp for 2 weeks. The are still talking constantly about it and already begging to go back next summer, and for 2 sessions not 1. We had our 1st child-free holiday and got to do things we like, sitting in cafes watching families drag their sulky teens about Smile

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/08/2016 08:13

but really, you do not have a clue about stroppy teenage girls

My advice is worth fuck all too then too then?Hmm, I have 3 ds's.

Koan · 31/08/2016 08:19

It is 'normal teenager' in the sense of peers becoming so influential in her life etc. But the social media does compound things and make it harder for a parent to address. When there was just a landline in the hall or lounge, parents had a better overview. Yanbu to feel this way about it.

Crispsheets · 31/08/2016 08:21

Doesn't get much better when they go to university. When they come home for holidays, it takes a while for them to acclimatise to family life with rules again.
I told dd after ten days that if this was how she was planning to behave , she wouldn't be welcome at Christmas and would have to either stay at uni or with her dad. And I meant it.
No more treating on egg shells here.

OpenMe · 31/08/2016 08:21

Re the question of how you get the phone off them, I'm afraid you do that groundwork when they're little. By the time they're teens there's no need to "make" them do anything if previous rules have been consistently applied.

Punishments you need to use often aren't working. My dc know they will lose their phone if they step out of line, especially if imo their poor behaviour is as a result of too much screen use, but I don't have to do it very often.

whattheseithakasmean · 31/08/2016 08:33

By the time they're teens there's no need to "make" them do anything if previous rules have been consistently applied

I am glad you have compliant and co-operative teens, but your comments are unhelpful and ill informed. The best, most well behaved, rule obeying child can change when puberty hits. Not all, but some do.

If I only had one daughter, I could do the smug 'well, I was a great parent when she was younger which is why she is nice now' line. Wrong. Some teenagers aren't too bad but some are really, really difficult and defiant, regardless of what they were like as younger children. If you haven't experienced the latter, you have no clue. None. Really. Lucky lucky you.

Allatseainthemidlands · 31/08/2016 08:33

I feel for you. It's not easy and I am now on my third teen DD trying to negotiate the minefield!
One or two things that seem to work: take her phone off her at 9.30/10 on school nights - don't check or snoop- just switch it off- she will sleep better and not be so vile (hopefully!!) Let her lie in at weekends- they really do need their sleep. You don't say how you handle money but we have chores- my DD has a basic allowance for toiletries etc but if she wants cash to go out with friends or to buy new clothes there is ironing/emptying bins/sorting laundry/ loading dishwasher or similar first.
This weekend I want her at a family function and she wants to stay out hideously late on the Friday night at a party- so she suggested I let her go if she promises to come to the family thing with 'no moaning'- which I've agreed to.
Just try - as hard as it is- to remember that this isn't personal- you're doing fine and your DD is normal- it's just bloody hard work Flowers

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 08:36

Good post from Allatsea

Geronimooooo · 31/08/2016 08:39

What's wrong with boyfriends? She's 13 for god's sake!

zolalola · 31/08/2016 08:39

Watching with interest Smile

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 08:45

They are difficult to take in holiday as teens, DH and I find it blissful now that we are not having to be jolly and find entertainments.
My advice for next year is take a friend along (one that you can stand a week with) .

OpenMe · 31/08/2016 08:49

Maybe I am just lucky then but I love being on holiday with my teens. We book holidays that appeal to them, this year it was just the Lakes and we did sailing, climbing and lots of walking, but they're such good company (once the gadets are removed) and you don't have to be constantly watching or entertaining them any more.

Armi · 31/08/2016 08:55

I'm a secondary school teacher. I have no idea how to deal with teenagers in their home environment (mine is still little) but in my experience trying to make a recalcitrant or furious teenager behave by explaining how they are making you feel is not particularly effective. Many teenagers have wonderful capacity for empathy for those they might not be directly in contact with (refugees, homeless people, famine victims) which can be truly uplifting to be around but they aren't always able to empathise with those who are close to them, and can get all sneery and truly unpleasant when encouraged to consider how they are making the person in front of them feel.

I repeat, I'm a complete novice in dealing with a teenager at home, so am probably talking nonsense, but I do find at work that less discussion and more decisive action (confiscating phone, turning off wifi) can be very effective. And it should be something that just impacts on the teenager. For example, a teenager may not give a flying fuck about, 'If you do that, we're not going to have our trip to Meadowhall' because it implies that it's a treat (yeah, right!) that you will also enjoy. Saying, 'Keep that up and I'm not buying you any new clothes at Meadowhall' might have more impact as the focus is the teenager. But I know nothing!

If it helps, I've been teaching teens for 20 years - they nearly all turn into wonderful, lovely adults in the end!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 09:02

You talk a lot of sense Armi

WizardOfToss · 31/08/2016 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 31/08/2016 09:03

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 09:09

When I stopped trying to have good days and just concentrated on the good moments I coped much better. They're all so up and down with hormones half the time they don't know which end is up. Ds was mega grumpy at dinner time the other night and could hardly string a sentence together but half an hour later he was funny/ engaging/chatty and a joy to be with- so I concentrate on those bits now not the crappy bits.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 09:15

Also a secondary school teacher and I agree with Armi. Lots of long discussions where you ask teenagers to consider your feelings don't work, not in the heat of the moment anyway. I also remember being a teenager and holding deeply unreasonable opinions about how unfair various things were - nothing and nobody could have shaken those opinions. The best thing is to calmly and quietly stick to your guns, and to give the punishment - no phone for two days, or whatever - with as little discussion as possible. If you have established firm boundaries earlier on, this should work.

likeaboss · 31/08/2016 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2016 11:38

Crisp

I told dd after ten days that if this was how she was planning to behave , she wouldn't be welcome at Christmas and would have to either stay at uni or with her dad. And I meant it.

I like your no nonsense approach. Reminds me of my mum.

Although I remember when I would come home from Uni and just want to chill and relax, mum expected me to slot right back in as though I'd never left home.

I just wasn't used to having to make her cups of tea and then she'd make us feel bad about going out.

It got to the point that when I went home, I would say I'm just staying a couple of days so that if I got fed or if she annoyed me, I'd go back. If she was okay then I'd 'extend' the trip.

Fast forward about 20 odd years and my Dsis, complains about her DDs who are in Uni and return home acting like guests.

She sounds just like my mum did all those years ago.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2016 11:42

God forbid we went anywhere that didn't have wifi etc

That's normal teens. Mine do the same and are quick to ask for the wife code /password at restaurants.

I withdraw pocket money when they don't tidy their room.

Topanga1 · 31/08/2016 11:50

There is also the only child thing. If you have no siblings to bounce off then that makes you much more selfish

Please don't perpetuate the only child myth - it's untrue and unfair.

Likewise the pp saying 'stroppy' teenage girls are worse than boys. Nonsense.

Original poster
Skooblies1 · 31/08/2016 13:27

Gosh so much great advice thank you!! Also I relate to so many of your stroppy teenager stories. I thought her attitude was fairly unique and I'm so pleased ((but sorry for you as well) that it's not!

I am going to look up that book on Amazon. I'll make sure she sees me reading it as well.

I suppose I have always been a bit afraid of alienating her completely by constantly having a go at her. I like the fact that you are saying it's not personal. That gives me some relief as I take it all personally.

Before I went to bed last night I took some clean laundry into her (pigsty) room. I didn't say anything which prompted "why are you all upset". My response was "if you don't know by now then there is no point in telling you". Cue rolling eyes and "what, because I didn't come down tonight?" I didn't want to engage so I just went to bed. Been at work all day and no doubt she is lolling in bed Facetiming everyone (don't get me wrong I love lolling in bed!). I texted her the chores I want doing today (pitifully small and simple) and they will just about get done. My point is that I'm deliberately trying not to needle her or be overly motherly. She has to see she doesn't rule everything (although she clearly fucking does).

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 14:00

I agree OpenMe that we have had lovely holidays rock climbing, skiing, surfing etc but sometimes you just want to relax and do nothing much!
The relief now is that we can just please ourselves.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 14:35

I am going to look up that book on Amazon. I'll make sure she sees me reading it as well

That's daft and will add fuel to the fire, pick your battles.

My response was "if you don't know by now then there is no point in telling you"
Don't say stuff like that , just tell her straight why you're pissed off. I'd roll my eyes too!