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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage shitty behaviour

78 replies

Skooblies1 · 30/08/2016 23:09

Hi all. Long post, sorry. I have one child. DD is 13 and is obsessed with social media and is constantly on her phone. She used to tell me everything and I knew that would eventually change. That happened a few months ago and has become friendly with other teenagers that don't seem to share the same ethos I am trying to instil in her. (These friends go out all hours, have boyfriends etc). She has lied to me on a number of occasions and has been punished accordingly (generally taking away her phone and iPad does the trick)

Anyway my post is more around her casual selfishness and taking everything for granted. We have just come back from a fantastic holiday and I had to tread on eggshells the whole time to make sure she was in the right mood. God forbid we went anywhere that didn't have wifi etc.

I was hoping this holiday would help us to engage as a family again but no. She is back in her room all the time and struggles to make the effort to come and eat her dinner and then goes back upstairs for the rest of the evening to chat with friends.

I know she is a teenager but AIBU to want a little more? I have ignored her tonight and want to actually show her how hurtful and selfish she is being. I want to give her a bit of a taste of her own medicine but not sure I have it in me.

As context, there is me, dh (who feels the same) and her. We have had many many conversations with her and the theme she picks up is that we are 'constantly having a go at her'

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 31/08/2016 14:51

Sorry op but " if you don't know by now then there is no point in telling you" is passive aggressive manipulation. You say things like that and you absolutely are needling for a fight. Talk to her like the adult she's becoming and not like she's responsible for your emotions and you might get further. It's perfectly normal for her to withdraw from you at this age. As she's an only have you thought about speaking to someone about how her turning into an adult affects how you feel and what your role will be when, inevitably, she no longer needs you as much. It's hard when they start to fly but you've got to help them make the best of it. Pick your battles and locate the off switch on your router! You'll survive.

RavenclawRemedials · 31/08/2016 14:54

Going slightly OT here but I do think those with DCs at university need to remember that their children are legally adults so won't appreciate being controlled (as they may see it) by 'family rules'. I remember the crushing feeling of needing to work around my parents' feelings once more after 3 years of the freedom to work out my own. It was unutterably depressing.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/08/2016 14:58

I've got the 'Get out of my life' book, don't buy it. PM me and I'll send it to you.

Astoria797 · 31/08/2016 14:59

The behaviour you described sounds like internet/social media addiction to me. Colleagues at work have had it & are literally unable to switch off - for them only going cold turkey helped.

LifeGotInTheWay · 31/08/2016 15:23

Op, Dame and Flying have got it right. What you describe from last night is terrible behaviour from you.

Your daughter is not responsible for your emotions in this way. IMO you shouldn't have even let her see you upset. As pp say teenagers can have very little empathy for those around them and letting her see is just inflaming the situation. Your response of 'if you don't know I'm not telling you' is something I'd say to DH in a fake strop over something we will laugh about. It is not a reasonable adult response and your DD shouldn't have to deal with it.

Reading the book in front of her is just inflammatory and provocative. You are trying to make her feel bad when she's not really doing anything wrong.

Her chores will be 'just about done'? If they're done they're done and be happy you have a teen who'll do chores when asked.

Your DD is not responsible for your happiness. You are setting yourself up for a huge rebellion.

Koan · 31/08/2016 15:29

Yes university students are legally adults, but ime it cuts both ways. When back during holidays, there aren't rules as such, here, to bring them under parental authority, but there are some expectations of more adult behaviour from them. Just as they've had a taste of freedom that should be respected, we've had a taste something different too.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 15:31

We've just been for lunch after a particularly grumpy and uncommunicative morning with ds. Pub was very busy and half way through the meal ds got up and carried the spare chair from our table over for an elderly man who was standing. He was SO polite I nearly fainted, so there's hope yet he'll turn out ok

Mittensonastring · 31/08/2016 15:38

DS has been arsey of late but there is a great giveaway to his mood swings. His feet absolutley reek it's obvious when he is having some surge or arsiness hormones.

I after an especially tough week with both him and DH refused to cook dinner with a simple I'm not cooking due to continued bad behaviour, feed yourselves or starve. I then left the house and went to a mates for a cuppa.

Over school hols it's generally been a request of one small chore a day and I will leave you alone. He is sat right now playing on his games console in the sitting room.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 31/08/2016 15:44

Mine's in his room, I'm enjoying the peace!

FarAwayHills · 31/08/2016 15:59

Although hormones and grumpiness are normal at this age, I think constant social media and screen time has a lot to answer for. I can see that DD1 becomes grumpy after prolonged use. We went on holiday somewhere this year with no wifi and she was a totally different person and she even admitted she was happier without it. I now do my best to limit Internet use, which is difficult but if they don't comply I just threaten to turn off the wifi and it does the trick.

The news has a story today about teen girls being more unhappy than ever
www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-37223063

Crispsheets · 31/08/2016 16:03

By "rules" I mean basic courtesy to myself and ds, chores done promptly and a bit of notice if they're not going to be in for a meal to save me wasting money on food.
I am not a hotel or housemaid.

GoldFishFingerz · 31/08/2016 16:14

What are your rules around screen time? You need to limit it - no phones past 8pm and before 8am. It's so damaging to mental health.

GoldFishFingerz · 31/08/2016 16:15

Also try and be kind and empathic to your DD.

FarAwayHills · 31/08/2016 16:18

I agree Crisp basic manners, treating others with courtesy and respect and helping out with chores when asked are non negotiable. Of course it's not always simple but if DD wants privileges like phone, allowance and clothes etc. she has to keep her side of the bargain. Hormones are no excuse for being rude,grumpy, surly and difficult all of the time - just sometimes when I'm hormonal then all bets are off

pleasemothermay1 · 31/08/2016 16:29

All social media like Instagram is banned via my internet router and there is no 3G in my house. I use FB myself she's not interested in it. Also I made it clear until she is an adult the phone is not hers as paid by me so I can check it whenever I wish to and I do. She has parental settings on her other devices. I just feel like she isn't old enough or trustworthy enough to be doing certain stuff yet. Sometimes she hates me for it but I think she knows I am trying to keep her safe

this above is the best advice I am afraid we had this with our son who is now 16 but it's the only way he will even have a wash and get off the fucking Internet the up shot was after on half term we had sat down a realised ds hadn't had a wash even brushed his teeth for almost 4 days also he been up almost every night till about 4am and had dark circles round his eyes , as he just been sitting on line and he became very aggressive when he was challanged so dh put a double pass word on the router he has no internet connection on his phone now he can only go on line on the PC and that has a timer on it so shuts down after 3 hours he can have them spread out or all at once but once 3 hours is used it locks off and that's it for the day even with homework he won't be doing more than 3 hours a day and if he needs more he can go to the library

pleasemothermay1 · 31/08/2016 16:32

We have a no phones or lap top when eating that's a rule for eveyone and any back chat or shitty attTudie results in no computer time at all

Also withdrawal of services often whips a teenager in to shape nothing like cooking your own tea or washing your own stinking socks to foucs the mind

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 17:33

There is some very good advice on here.

Definitely do not let her see you reading the book!

I think that the main problem is making her responsible for your emotions.
You see it on MN with younger children and the poster saying 'it will make mummy sad' - when mummy is the adult and it is not up to a 3 yr old to keep her happy. You just have the older version.

Rules about phones , iPads etc on here are very sensible.

Give her more responsibility. I would assume from you trying to give her a very different childhood from your own that you probably do most things for her, when she could do a lot if it herself and might enjoy cooking a meal for you all.

You can be tough and simply say 'no' and she will still love you!
I used to go with 'you will appreciate it when you are older' when I was being strict about certain things. I used to get 'but everyone else's parents.........' They are now all lovely adults and we enjoy spending time together.

Make rules about the things that really bother you. Pick your battles and let the little things go.

JustDanceAddict · 31/08/2016 17:38

My DD is pretty well behaved teen in that respect, but she mainly stats in her room if she's in. I do try and make her interact with her brother and us, but she has to be in the mood. It's hard to 'make' her do anything, and I think it's more luck and her character that she's got reasonably sensible friends - some lesser friends are a bit more wayward, but DD is no sheep and isn't interested in booze, drugs and that sort of partying yet (she's 14). So, normal to be in room and not engage, not normal to be lied to, etc. Try reading Doorslammers and Divas - it gives a great insight into the teen brain and how to handle them!!

JustDanceAddict · 31/08/2016 17:42

Also agree that parents are entitled to look at mobiles until age 16. We pay, we look and the kids know it. They might not like it, and it's not a regular occurrence, but it's for their safety (I don't like snooping, but I did recently as there was a bullying issue and I had to check if DD was being mean, basically - thankfully it was sorted, and it wasn't awful but she knew cos I got wind of a problem via another mum, I looked).

Myusernameismyusername · 31/08/2016 17:59

If DD wants privacy then I will respect that but I look at her internet history and any downloads. I look at what she has watched on YouTube.

I wouldn't go in and read all her texts unless I was seriously concerned about her, she was displaying some worrying behaviour or something.

The worst thing my parents ever did was just allow me to do whatever I wanted. It did not help me as a teen

Original poster

Skooblies1 · 31/08/2016 18:03

Looking at it I do realise I can be passive aggressive. I will endeavour to put an end to that. Just to update you. I have just got home from work. It's 6pm and she is pegging out the washing I asked her to do this morning. When I asked her why she has left it till now she said "so what, I'm doing it aren't I?" When I said that you can't put washing out once the sun has gone down she told me that it will still "blow in the wind". Great! She's back in her room. Oh and she's still in her pyjamas.

OP posts:

CodyKing · 31/08/2016 18:15

I iMessage mine to annoy them

Yes eye rolling and grumpiness!

If she's rude I say 'that's not how you get what you want ' and she usually smiles.

Allatseainthemidlands · 31/08/2016 18:44

I know it's really difficult but I think re the washing I would advise just saying 'thank you for hanging the washing out' - just try to catch her doing really small things 'right' and thank her/ encourage/ praise that behaviour. Even if it's not done the way you would have done it. It's teeth grindingly frustrating sometimes!! I really hope you have a good evening

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 19:21

I think the washing is one of those things that you just let go.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/08/2016 19:24

She put the washing out, that in itself means she listened to what you said.

Reward the action, not the behaviour, I got that from here, from Maryz iirc.

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