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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Stepdad to give me away

84 replies

MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 18:58

I'm getting married next year and my Mum wants my Stepdad to give me away. I don't.

My parents split up when I was 11 and my Mum has been with Stepdad since I was 14. My Dad passed away when I was 18 and I still struggle with the grief of losing him. He was such a wonderful man and I absolutely adored him.

Stepdad has Dementia, diagnosed approx 18 months ago. He has noticeably deteriorated in the past year....he repeats the same stories, cannot drive anymore, cannot keep up with conversations and relies on my Mum for absolutely everything. I feel so sorry for Mum and how difficult her life is now. I have never been close to stepdad and I wouldn't want him to give me away with or without the dementia.

There are no other family members who I am close to that I would want to give me away. My Mum will be upset if I don't let him do it. AIBU to not want him to do it? Do I just agree to it, providing he is well enough?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/08/2016 19:00

What about your Mum giving you away?

useyourimagination · 30/08/2016 19:01

Was also just about to suggest you ask your mum to do it.

Fibbertigibbet · 30/08/2016 19:01

It is your wedding day, and if you don't want him to give him away then don't have him do it. If you've never been close to him, it seems very strange for him to assume that role.

How would you feel about walking down the aisle alone, or with your fiancé together? Or perhaps your mum might be okay with giving you away?

debbs77 · 30/08/2016 19:01

I would suggest your mum too. It isn't like your dad was an absent father. If he could've been there then he obviously would have xxx

Original poster
MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 19:02

I have suggested this, but she doesn't want to as she will be doing the speech that my Dad would have done. I should add that I'm 36

OP posts:
booksandcoffee · 30/08/2016 19:02

It'seems your wedding day, do it the way you want it.

Pinkerbeller · 30/08/2016 19:02

YANBU. A lot of women are going down the aisle without an escort these days. I did it as a feminist thing, I didn't want to be someone's property to be given to someone else, I was choosing to marry this man.

Nelleflowerpot · 30/08/2016 19:02

My mum gave me away (my dad had died). Just ask her very nicely to do it as she is your parent! Xxx

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/08/2016 19:03

Absolutely not unreasonable, it's your wedding your mother her own, her own two at that, tell her no. You could ask your mother, a friend (doesn't need to be male), alone, walk with a bridesmaid/flowergirl, whoever you feel close enough to male or female. Or you could meet your ot outside for the first time and walk up together

NameChange30 · 30/08/2016 19:03

YANBU

You don't need anyone to "give you away". You can walk down the aisle by yourself, with your groom, or with anyone else you choose - your mum might be a good choice.

FWIW my dad is still alive but I walked down the aisle with my DH and it was wonderful.

magoria · 30/08/2016 19:04

If you feel you have to have someone do you have any DC who can walk up the aisle with you?

PhotosGinAndALongLieIn · 30/08/2016 19:05

I was going to suggest your mum, or just walk down the aisle alone if you fancied. I'm in a different situation, I've been married before and my dad gave me away. I'm older now, have four children - it seems a bit weird to get my dad to do it again. I'm thinking of either having one of my kids do it or maybe throwing tradition to the wind and walking down the aisle together.

I suppose the issue is your mum being upset, I'd ask her to do it.

Nelleflowerpot · 30/08/2016 19:06

Do you mean she is giving a speech already or she doesn't want to? If it's public speeches she wants to avoid just change things a bit, get your bridesmaid to do it or do it yourself? It's your wedding so you can make it easier.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/08/2016 19:06

YANBU. You don't need anyone to give you away if you don't want to but if you do it should be someone you want to do it.

My friend had her brother give her away as she has drifted apart from her dad. He was still at the wedding. My cousin had his dad on another table rather than the top table for similar reasons.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 19:06

You don't have to have anyone to give you away, just say that you would rather walk up the aisle alone, or with your bridesmaids. Your wedding, you decide.

YelloDraw · 30/08/2016 19:09

I think I'd want to walk down the aisle with my groom in your situation.

Def not U to not want your stepday to do it.

QuinionsRainbow · 30/08/2016 19:13

I think I'd want to walk down the aisle with my groom in your situation.

That's what we did. Much as I loved my parents, I wasn't going to have either of them give me away, a point of view that DH thoroughly agreed with.

Original poster
MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 19:14

My Mum is more than happy to do the speech....she wants to say the things she thinks my Dad would've said. She wants to reference stepdad heavily in the speech as well. She doesn't want to walk me down the aisle as well and has said that she strongly believes stepdad should do it and that he would be so happy to be asked. I honestly feel like she is making it difficult for me to refuse. Tbh I am a bit of a people pleaser and I hate to cause conflict or upset. I haven't been married before, so this is the one and only time I'm gonna do this (I hope!)

OP posts:
Hassled · 30/08/2016 19:16

Will your mum still be upset if you sell it to her that you're concerned stepdad won't be up to it/all too confusing for him/too many people and such a big responsibility? If you can convince your mum it's out of concern for him (and that's a valid concern - I'd imagine this will be very disorientation for someone with dementia) then you walking down the aisle with the groom will seem fine.

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 19:17

You have to gather up your courage and tell her once and for all that you don't want him to do it. Walking you down the aisle is a deeply personal and intimate thing. You should only have someone doing it because you want them to.

Mouseinahole · 30/08/2016 19:17

My dd was 'given away' by her brother and her much loved stepdad made a speech recognising her deceased father as well as his own excellent relationship with her.
In your situation it should really be your mum or no one I think.

Hassled · 30/08/2016 19:17

disorientating, sorry.

This is your wedding, not hers. She's had 2 weddings. Stick to your guns - you don't want this to happen, and that's that.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2016 19:18

With all due respect, it's your wedding day, not your mum's or your stepdad's.

Being a people pleaser is not a crime but it's not particularly healthy either, so perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to practise being assertive.

purplefox · 30/08/2016 19:20

It's your wedding, if you don't want him to walk you down the aisle and your mum doesn't want to just walk alone?

I didn't want anyone to give me away, my dad wasn't coming to the wedding and there was no one else, my (now-ex) H to be decided his son should walk me down, despite the ridiculous concept and me making clear that I hated the idea and it wasn't to happen, once I got to the venue and through the door there the child was, walking me down the aisle. Still infuriates me to this day, nearly 10 years later.

It might be a small part of your wedding but you're still going to remember it, especially if you're hating it.

Spaghettidog · 30/08/2016 19:23

Work on your assertiveness, OP. This is your wedding and you're very clear on what you don't want, which is perfectly understandable - now work on communicating this. Nothing unreasonable about not wanting your stepfather to 'give you away'. The only unreasonable thing is that anyone continues this patriarchal bullshit in 2016.

Is steeling yourself and saying 'no' to your mother not a much better idea than having something you really don't want to happen happening on your wedding day? Bite the bullet. Tell your mother it's not an option, but that you will be walking down the aisle with your husband to be, or, if she would like, with her.

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