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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want Stepdad to give me away

84 replies

MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 18:58

I'm getting married next year and my Mum wants my Stepdad to give me away. I don't.

My parents split up when I was 11 and my Mum has been with Stepdad since I was 14. My Dad passed away when I was 18 and I still struggle with the grief of losing him. He was such a wonderful man and I absolutely adored him.

Stepdad has Dementia, diagnosed approx 18 months ago. He has noticeably deteriorated in the past year....he repeats the same stories, cannot drive anymore, cannot keep up with conversations and relies on my Mum for absolutely everything. I feel so sorry for Mum and how difficult her life is now. I have never been close to stepdad and I wouldn't want him to give me away with or without the dementia.

There are no other family members who I am close to that I would want to give me away. My Mum will be upset if I don't let him do it. AIBU to not want him to do it? Do I just agree to it, providing he is well enough?

OP posts:

ToffeeForEveryone · 30/08/2016 19:47

I think it's a valid reason for me to get my point across other than just being blatant and saying I don't want him to do it because he's not my Dad

This ^ is a valid reason. Why can't you tell your mother that it doesn't mean you don't appreciate / care about your SD, but it would feel strange for you because you would be thinking about your Dad? Ultimately it's your wedding and surely your feelings take precedence, particularly during the actual ceremony!

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2016 19:47

I think I would say, "You know how much Dad meant to me. He can't walk me down the aisle, so I don't want anyone else to do it."

And she's had two weddings of her own, let's face it, so she's done what she wants then.

LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2016 19:48

DH walked me down the aisle. My dad was dead and my mum too frail really. We got married in a registry office- it was lovely - and we arrived together, walked in together and left together.

Original poster

MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 19:51

Whocansay and goingtobeawesone - I do want her to do a speech as she will say a lot of stuff that my Dad would've said. They did remain friends after their divorce. I will make it clear that she can reference stepdad but not to overdo it!

I'm not really big on the whole 'giving away' symbolism, so that's not a big deal for me, so I may well walk myself down the aisle!

OP posts:

meddie · 30/08/2016 19:52

I saw a wedding where the groom met the bride at the door and walked her down the aisle. it was lovely

squishee · 30/08/2016 19:53

I can understand this situation OP, my late DF will not be with us if and when I tie the knot either. But really, as pp have said, what is with this tradition of being "given away"? It's 2016. You are not property changing hands.

Congratulations and have a wonderful day, whatever you decide to do.

Bluetrews25 · 30/08/2016 19:54

Maybe, instead of saying words to the effect of 'I don't want him' could you say ' I really want to do it this way.....' Just take out the negatives, to make it harder for her to insist you give up what you want on your day.

TheProblemOfSusan · 30/08/2016 19:55

Nice one MrsRaymond!

I bet if you asked your venue they'd have good ideas on nice orders of people entering, based on the space and how people have done it before - we had a pre-appointment with the registrar and it was brilliant, she took us through the whole process and 'who does want when' from the moment we entered the registry office to the moment we left was the easiest bit of the whole wedding to organise.

GabsAlot · 30/08/2016 19:56

my sister walked down the aisle with her son-it was lovely

u do a you please its your wedding not your mums

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 30/08/2016 19:57

That speech she's giving...I'd be reading it frat, t see f reflects the relationship you had with your Dad & your Stepdad. Else I see her bigging up your relationship with your SF to something you don't even recognise!

I do disagree with concept of 'giving away' but if I was getting married & my Dad was still alive I'd have embraced the tradition of it and his pleasure in it. I'm sad that he missed out on the whole 'father of the bride' thing as I know how much he was looking forward to it (one day).

I'm sure you just want your Dad too 💐

If I was gettng married now I'd walk down the aisle on my own. It feels, to me, very symbolic. I would be choosing to marry the man, I'm independant & don't need my hand held - by anyone.

You need to tell your mother to stop being so insensitive. You loved your Dad, you don't want him being 'replaced' in your wedding ceremony. End. Of. Go on. You'll be disappointed in yourself if you don't put your foot down here.

kierenthecommunity · 30/08/2016 20:00

As with all things ready that seem an utter deal breaker for third parties at the time, I'm 100% confident they'll get over it if it doesn't happen. Eventually

If you didn't see this man as 'dad' you are absolutely NBU to not have him walk you up the aisle. Bit different if he'd been in your life since you were five or something and you'd barely known your own dad

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 30/08/2016 20:02

If this is a C of E wedding then the 'who gives this woman' bit isn't officially there. As clergy we can put it in and lots of brides want it, but I don't like it at all. Come in with your partner, your best friend or on your own. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

FuturesAChanging · 30/08/2016 20:07

Walk yourself or with DH.
On your mum expecting to call the shots because she's paying for it, she isn't. Your lovely dad saved money for your wedding, and gave it to your mum for safe keeping. It is not money she has saved, if your dad wanted something she can suggest that but she cannot call th shots as she is not paying for it. And if she was paying for it, then I would advise a smaller wedding!
My mum wanted my brothers to walk me down the aisle, to see all her children together?? I said that wouldn't happen at brothers wedding so ain't happening at mine. She happily did it in the end.

ConvincingLiar · 30/08/2016 20:08

I had "who brings this woman.." and was happy with it. I had been brought by my dad that morning. I wasn't his to give away. I'd say you want to go it alone/with DH/with bridesmaid. It'd be easier to change your mind to include SF than to change your mind to exclude him.

FuturesAChanging · 30/08/2016 20:09

But if we were to get married now, I would get DH to meet me at the door and walk down together.

LastFirstEverything · 30/08/2016 20:12

Walk down the aisle with your partner. That's what I did, it was lovely. Neither one of us wanted to be given away, can you just tell your mum this- put across the equality argument.

I'm an instinctive people pleaser, so I know how hard it is to go against what family want. You need to approach this in a straightforward and loving way- explain that you love your mum, and your stepdad. Then explain that this is not a snub- and if they think it is, they're wrong. You are making an adult choice, of having a wedding that's modern and based on being equal with your partner.

As for your mum's speech, if you're worried about the content (and it sounds as if you have reason to be), explain to her that you'd really like her to keep it brief. Then thank her for doing it. Then either you or your DH can do a speech as well that fills in the gaps of what she left out.

I feel that trying to control her speech may be rather hard, try to accept that it's not going to be great, and try to move on from this before the wedding.

Have a lovely wedding.

Whocansay · 30/08/2016 20:15

I think walking by yourself will be the easiest option and the easiest to explain. Put it to her in feminist terms, she can't disagree.

But please check her speech. Or have someone on hand to cut her speech off with some plausible excuse, just in case!

Good luck and congratulations. I hope it all goes swimmingly for you.

herecomesthsun · 30/08/2016 20:22

I walked in on the arm of DH-to-be. Both my parents were dead.

In fact, we went for a (very lively) party with a (very good) hot buffet rather than a sit down meal to avoid feeling that my parents were so very absent, like Banquo's ghost.

It was a very happy wedding that you have a great day, I am sure that all yor dad would have wanted would have been your happiness.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 30/08/2016 20:23

Why don't you walk down the isle by your self or with your dh to be like another poster suggested. That sounds very romantic.

Rab19 · 30/08/2016 20:25

Due to a whole family disagreement, my dad and step mum didn't come and I asked my brother to give me away. I was a little sad that Dad couldn't see past the fact that I only wanted he and my Mum at the top table. (step mum at the front table with my step family), but little brother did a great job and I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Pettywoman · 30/08/2016 20:40

I refused to be given away, such bullshit in my opinion. As an adult I didn't see anyone else had the right to give me away to anyone. DH and I walked in and out together.

Original poster

MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 20:56

I see the whole 'giving away' thing as unnecessary and I also feel at 36, a bit old for that tradition anyway. We will have an 8 month old DD by then as well (pg at the mo) and DP has DC as well.

I have suggested (jokingly) that DP walk down the aisle to meet me as he will probably take longer than me to get ready and he'll probably be fashionably late!

Joking aside, I do feel a lot better about my decision to stand my ground.

OP posts:

PortiaFinis · 30/08/2016 21:06

YANBU Op.

I've always thought the JK wedding dance was a good way of walking down the aisle without being given away.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

MeDownSouth · 30/08/2016 21:15

Maybe you and the children could walk down together? Get his DC to go first and you follow with LO? You could take the buggy and dress it up with ribbons and flowers :)
Having had a Gran with dementia and a good understanding of the varying nature of the condition through work, I fear your mum might be pushing you to accept stepdad having a role to 'keep him going', roughly translated so that it feels to her that he is still well. I fear if he's deteriorated such a lot in such a short time that by next year he might not be a well man. Many families try and keep things 'normal' as long as possible and this does them (and the person with dementia) no good at all. Keep an eye on your mum and bear this in mind when talking to her about the wedding, it's an entirely normal reaction but one that may cause problems as he needs more support.

And on that cheerful thought good luck and happy wedding!

MiddleClassProblem · 30/08/2016 21:21

I don't think you should push the buggy down unless it's an offbeat wedding. It's the first time everyone sees your dress and not great if you have a bouquet. Different for a bridesmaid to do it. You might just feel like you're walking down the highstreet

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