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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Stepdad to give me away

84 replies

MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 18:58

I'm getting married next year and my Mum wants my Stepdad to give me away. I don't.

My parents split up when I was 11 and my Mum has been with Stepdad since I was 14. My Dad passed away when I was 18 and I still struggle with the grief of losing him. He was such a wonderful man and I absolutely adored him.

Stepdad has Dementia, diagnosed approx 18 months ago. He has noticeably deteriorated in the past year....he repeats the same stories, cannot drive anymore, cannot keep up with conversations and relies on my Mum for absolutely everything. I feel so sorry for Mum and how difficult her life is now. I have never been close to stepdad and I wouldn't want him to give me away with or without the dementia.

There are no other family members who I am close to that I would want to give me away. My Mum will be upset if I don't let him do it. AIBU to not want him to do it? Do I just agree to it, providing he is well enough?

OP posts:
canyou · 30/08/2016 19:24

My DDad has passed away my two little nephews will walk me up the aisle. I know my db will want to do it but to me that would feel wrong him stepping into DDads place. Do what makes you comfortable. If on the day the little boys dont wang to wslk with me then DP and I will walk up with DD, like the family we already are.
It is your day do what makes you happy.

sentia · 30/08/2016 19:25

Don't do it if you don't want to. My dad (who I don't get along with) walked me down the aisle and I really regret it.

acasualobserver · 30/08/2016 19:26

Will it make your mother happy if you let your step-father give you away? Ultimately, does it matter much anyway?

ITCouldBeWorse · 30/08/2016 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaroleService · 30/08/2016 19:26

Do you have a sibling who could do it?

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 19:29

I walked by myself.
Do what you want x

user1471734618 · 30/08/2016 19:29

Just walk down the aisle yourself, you do not need to be 'given away' as you are not property.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/08/2016 19:30

It's not your mum's decision.

Don't agree to anything you don't want. It will stay with you.

I'm sorry you've lost your dad Flowers.

Original poster
MrsRaymondReddington · 30/08/2016 19:31

I do wonder if he'll even be well enough to do it....of course I don't wish him to deteriorate so that I get my own way, but I think it's a valid reason for me to get my point across other than just being blatant and saying I don't want him to do it because he's not my Dad.

Thank you all for reassuring me that I'm not BU! I think I'll put it to DP that we walk down the aisle together, or possibly my best friend. I think my Mum is determined to call some of the shots as she is paying for some of the wedding (using a wedding fund my Dad gave her before he died).

OP posts:
EmmaMacgill · 30/08/2016 19:34

My mum gave me away, she was a lone parent. I wouldn't have anyone else do it. It was lovely

Goingtobeawesome · 30/08/2016 19:34

A friend of mine walked alone down the aisle as her dad had died the previous month. I'd consider that.

TheProblemOfSusan · 30/08/2016 19:35

My husband and I walked down the aisle together - starting as we meant to go on! I have a good relationship with both parents, I just wasn't keen on the symbolism of being given away.

If you're having bridesmaids you could have them go in first then you last, either alone or if you have someone to be a flower girl and/or boy, holding their hands?

Whocansay · 30/08/2016 19:35

I'd be wary of her speech to be honest. It sounds as if it will largely be about her and not you.

I'd ask her to do a reading instead.

user1471552005 · 30/08/2016 19:36

I wouldn't want to be "given away" - what a hideous and outdated concept.
Makes a women sound like an old pair of shoes.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/08/2016 19:38

I'd also be checking over her speech. She's very forceful at pushing her husband forward, giving you away, referencing him heavily in the speech, but this is your day. Your memories for the future.

Gatehouse77 · 30/08/2016 19:40

I had one brother walk me down the aisle and another do the 'father of the bride' speech.
This was after my DH walked down the aisle with his brother (also his best man).

Ultimately, you need to do what will make the day for you not your mum.

Sara107 · 30/08/2016 19:40

My dad refused to give any of his daughters away, he objected on the grounds that we were not his possessions to be given and were not going to belong to our husbands either. He did agree to walk in with us and then go and take his seat. So it's not a requirement, and you could just as well walk in with a close friend, sister etc. Are you having bridesmaids? Maybe just be accompanied by them? Your mum is less likely to be be upset by leaving stepdad out if you don't have any man 'giving you away'.

BonnieF · 30/08/2016 19:42

What on Earth makes you think you need anyone to "give you away"?

It's 2016, not 1959 and you are not a piece of somebody else's property.

Why not walk down the aisle together with your future husband, then make a short speech together thanking everyone for attending, and welcoming them to the day?

MumiTravels · 30/08/2016 19:42

I walked myself down the aisle and actually felt really good.

There were other male members of our family there but it just didn't feel right. My Dad died when I was 16 and I just didn't feel like I could stick someone in his place just for the sake of it.

So went on my own. No one batted an eyelid or if they did realised the reason why I was on my own.

Sometimes you have to please yourself and not worry about others, especially on your wedding day.

MrsMozart · 30/08/2016 19:42

Having seen a programme recently on dementia, where they followed a chap who had early onset dementia, I would suggest that it would be more than your step-Dad could cope with.

SingaSong12 · 30/08/2016 19:43

Congratulations on getting married. Sorry this is happening. This is your wedding so if you don't want your step dad giving you away you need to be firm. It seems that your step father will be referenced in your mothers speech.

Can you explain that your step dad is special but your dad is the person who brought you up to age 14 (did you see him then until you were 18?) and you can't imagine anyone else giving you away.

If you want to include him and he is up to it could you ask him to do a toast. I thought about suggesting he does a reading/poem but maybe not if you aren't sure he'll be able to and would need it to be in the service sheet.

mylaptopismylapdog · 30/08/2016 19:43

Could you tell her that you feel given his condition you think it would be too much stress for him and that you would be concerned for him and not concentrating on the only thing that matters, making your commitment to the marriage?

acasualobserver · 30/08/2016 19:45

All this angst - fuelled by lots of the advice here - is a consequence of wanting to achieve some weirdly confected idea of the 'perfect' day. I really don't think it's that important. The marriage, not your wedding, is the challenge.

BusyCee · 30/08/2016 19:45

Congratulations on your marriage!

I have a similar situation with my father and stepmother, eg., he pushes for things he says she wants, but which I think are totally inappropriate for reasons which include not being close to her and my DM having died.

I also am a bit of a people pleaser and in the past have rolled over for an easy life. Having my children changed this a bit (for me). The tack I take now is; 'I appreciate that's what you want but I don't think it's right because of XYZ. However, how about this as an alternative/middle ground'. That way I retain my own integrity, as well as the moral high ground. If they chose not to accept/go with it/negotiate then it's their problem frankly.

However. I suspect my relationship with them is punchier than yours with your DM and stepdad.

I hope you resolve this to YOUR OWN SATISFACTION and have a wonderful wedding day and successful marriage.

5moreminutes · 30/08/2016 19:45

DH and I walked down the aisle together - nothing to do with my dad actually, I just felt that the whole being "given away" was utterly ridiculous in absolutely every sense, given I was a 30 year old woman who had been living with my almost DH for 4 years already and hadn't lived with my parents for a dozen years (as well as not being an object or possession to give away and all that... Hmm )

Could you perhaps emphasise generally not wanting to be given away, rather than make it specifically about your step dad?

My dad also had another role in the wedding, plus I felt I'd compromised way above and beyond already by having a church wedding among other things... it will be harder given your step dad's condition but is there some role he could be given, and things you can remind your mum you have done to please her...

Weddings are such a minefield of pleasing other people (mainly the couple's parents) I often wish we'd just snuck to a registry office and told everyone afterwards!