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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - know I am but still can't stop feeling annoyed by DH

134 replies

beachbaby18 · 30/08/2016 09:39

Sorry for ramblings but need to vent!

DH has family down (aunt and uncle) who are staying with his parents.

Yesterday (bank holiday Monday) he plans a fishing trip with his uncle from saying he'll only be a few hours and we'll go to beer garden in afternoon for a drink with kiddies before getting a take away.

Sounds okay to me, although I'll be on my own with kiddies until they return from fishing trip.

His parents take the aunt out for the day to local town for lunch. I wasn't invited.

Fishing trip extends (now know that getting a take away for kiddies is out of question as it will be too late for them to eat) and I end up sitting in garden with kiddies having picnic dinner after going to supermarket with them to choose some goodies (thinking that hubby will join us when he gets back)

He gets back over 2 hrs later than expected and says 'are you ready to go to the pub?' Ur rr no, I'm sitting in garden with kiddies finishing our picnic. He says he has to have quick shower and race back to pub as uncle is in there on his own. His parents and aunt are on their way back from day out and meeting in there.

It's now almost bath and bedtime for kiddies who are tired so I don't take them to pub and instead bath them and do bedtime routine.

Feeling really annoyed that he's been out almost all day, pops in for 10 minutes to have a shower and then goes out to pub, regardless of me or kids.

I tell him i'm annoyed and he says that I said I wanted to stay at home and didn't want to do anything (I didn't) and his family are only visiting for a few days and I haven't made any effort to go to pub to see them.

It is then arranged that I entertain them today whilst he works......feeling so annoyed why should I entertain them today when no one cared that I was on my own with kiddies yest when they were all having fun. Now today when he's working, they want to see kids and he says I'm being unreasonable for not doing something with them!

(I'm working 10am til 1pm but then expected to be hostess with the mostest and take them out!)

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/08/2016 12:59

Your dh is a twat.

I totally get that you were stuck at home because you were originally waiting for the husband and his uncle to get back so you could go out. Once you found out they were going to be late you set up a nice picnic and paddling pool afternoon. I see no 'martyrdom'.

Your dh was very inconsiderate. Get your self some hobbies/interests and present them as a done deal like your dh does. See how he likes it.

And I wouldn't be entertaining his relatives either. They could have made the effort yesterday.

There's some right dickheads on this thread.

user1471428758 · 30/08/2016 13:01

Good god, she's not being left to look after children - she's being a parent.

This is a ridiculous thread. She didn't want to go with the family - she says so - she complains that the activities aren't child friendly (so?), then complains about her husband spending time with his own family then when called on it says she's actually pissed off because she's stuck at home breastfeeding when the child is a toddler!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2016 13:04

Can we Pleeease stop getting fixated on breastfeeding. I'm sure op isn't feeding her 17 month hourly for 45 minutes.

Wasn't the bit about being on the boob more just frustration and venting? And yes, it is ops choice to still be feeding. Either way, it's no one else's business.

OceanSounds123 · 30/08/2016 13:05

I use kiddies/kiddie winks-shoot me now!Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2016 13:06

The only one ranting and venting now isn't op user.

user1471428758 · 30/08/2016 13:10

Not venting at all. Her argument has more holes in it than a swiss cheese.

Inertia · 30/08/2016 13:11

You are not being unreasonable at all!

If your husband was that bothered about you and the children spending time with his family, they could have arranged activities which suited everyone. Taking a pair of toddlers to a fishing lake and expecting them to play quietly and safely all day would be insanity!

Sounds like your husband doesn't make much effort to do things with the family if he spends most of his spare time on his hobbies.

Do you actually want to do afternoon tea for everyone, or have you just been given your orders?

microferret · 30/08/2016 13:14

No, user, yours does. I don't know what's made you so angry but it's not the OP's fault. You might do well to stop projecting and deal with what's actually bothering you IRL

user1471428758 · 30/08/2016 13:25

It really really doesn't; clearly you're having some problem with comprehension, ferret. The OP's words are all there in black and white and she's being absolutely ridiculous.

I'm not angry and there's nothing at all bothering me.

microferret · 30/08/2016 13:26

Right. Hmm

timelytess · 30/08/2016 13:32

Sorry, OP, you lost me at the first 'kiddies'.

The point, though, is that a man with a family doesn't have any 'self-directed' free time. He must always defer to the family's needs. That's the deal when you become a dad. Its like the money - its not yours, its ours. By choosing to absent himself for part of a Bank Holiday, the OH opted out of his responsibilities. If he'd taken a day's annual leave during a school week, that would have been different. As it was, his selfish behaviour had a negative impact on his wife. Not good.

And no, he should never direct her to entertain his family. Ever.

RepentAtLeisure · 30/08/2016 13:34

No, you're not being unreasonable (AIBU is the Mumsnet Viper Nest by the way, you may find other boards a bit more relaxed and less full of people ready to scream at you for not being chilled out!) Talk to your DH about how you feel and think about ways you can claim some quality time.

user1471428758 · 30/08/2016 13:38

That is absolute rubbish, timelytess. I'd love to see you try to argue that a woman should always defer to her husband and children's wishes and should never be able to do something on her own on a bank holiday, because that's essentially what you're saying.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2016 13:45

That is absolute rubbish, timelytess. I'd love to see you try to argue that a woman should always defer to her husband and children's wishes and should never be able to do something on her own on a bank holiday, because that's essentially what you're saying.

Might be nice if there was some discussion about it first though.

Bluemoon49 · 30/08/2016 13:56

I would say YANBU. As I understood it, OP and children were not invited on fishing trip so what else could OP have done? It sounds like husband and his family are not thinking about the practicalities of taking children to a pub when it's past their bed time.

(And double BU for 'kiddies' and 'hubby')

YABU for continually using the word kiddies.

Stop calling them kiddies. That alone makes me think YABU

Also a bit surprised at all the people taking issue with the words 'kiddies' and 'hubby' - surely you are the ones being U by being offended by someone's choice of lexis? I'm not one for saying 'kiddies' and 'hubby' myself but can't imagine calling someone else out on the words they chose to use Confused Am I missing some unwritten MN rule?

SatsukiKusakabe · 30/08/2016 14:01

Oh, people complain about their choices all the time, I'm sure even you have user.

But you are getting hung up on an irrelevance: the op wasn't complaining about her choice to breastfeed, she was complaining about being stood up and left out of everyone else's plans, whilst being expected to pick up the slack the next day when it was convenient. Fathers do not have self directed free time without taking the rest of the family into consideration, and neither do mothers. The problem arises because mothers sometimes end up being the default child carer, and don't have a choice about just pissing off when they feel like it, so can be taken advantage of in this regard. Considerate behaviour is expected of both parents in our set up, regardless of responsibilities or biological sex.

timelytess · 30/08/2016 14:06

That is absolute rubbish, timelytess.

Really? Goodness.
I much preferred yesterday's comment from a poster - "I agree with timelytess". That's always my favourite, whenever it occurs.

However, I have given my opinion and I'm not particularly arsed about yours. That's the glory of Asperger's for you. :)

Bluemoon49 · 30/08/2016 14:20

Am I on a different planet ?

This a thought I have regularly when reading comments on MN!

SatsukiKusakabe · 30/08/2016 14:33

I like your last comment timelytess (in the running for a new favourite?)

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 30/08/2016 14:38

I'm so glad that usercouldn'tbearsednamechanging turned up to so excellently prove my point about posters on AIBU becoming fixated on a small part of the OP and using it to beat people round the head with.

Thank you!

SecretRed · 30/08/2016 14:41

So glad people are being called out on this thread. Giving the op a kicking for her choice of words is knobbish.

Op your husband went back on the plans you had made and was really thoughtless by coming back too late for you all to go to the pub. I understand that if you breastfeed your youngest before bed at a certain time then staying up later will cause problems. Don't know why others don't get this. It would piss me off but if it's a one off then I'd let it go. We can all be thoughtless sometimes.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 30/08/2016 14:50

Tiny babies are very portable. I personally found around 18 months a really tricky time with both my kiddies (sorry, couldn't resist Grin). They are no longer happy just to sit there looking cute, but they're not able to wander round freely.

I wouldn't have fancied taking mine to the pub at that age, as it wouldn't have been a nice relaxing, enjoyable time.

microferret · 30/08/2016 15:28

I think user might be one of those angry men that hangs around MN getting annoyed when us uppity wimmin express opinions/thoughts/feelings and most of all when we fail to tolerate being treated like a free childcare service and catering company rolled into one so that DH can enjoy a weekend of leisure, fine dining and booze. Would explain the disproportionate anger and projection they've expressed on this thread.

Original poster
beachbaby18 · 30/08/2016 16:20

Thank you to those who understood why I was feeling a bit left out by the adults yest and in particular by the HUBBY or DH or BH (bastard husband). Thank you for seeing my point of view despite my over use of the vomit inducing words hubby and kiddies. ( don't actually use these words normally, no idea why my post was full of them, but glad I did as it showed me how venomous some of you can be and not to post again)
Just to clarify, being chosen to entertain his family today by DH was a kick in the teeth after not being included yest.

Something else to explain - I breastfeed 17 month old DS due to intolerance to dairy and paediatrician advised me to continue for as long as possible hoping by the age of two he'll start to outgrow it. Apparently it's better for him than oat/coconut/rice milk.I'm abit knackered from it to be honest and could do with a night off the bedtime routine which I have done every night for past 17 months, not complaining just looking forward to getting my boobs back.

Thank you to those who saw my point of view........over it now but do realise I need to be more outspoken and get a back bone. Starting by I cancelling the afternoon tea ( buggered if I'm going to be pouring processco all afternoon and feeding them scones when they didn't spare a thought for me and children yest!

Going out for dinner tonight with them.

Got a real roasting from a few users so don't think I'll be back as don't like the nastiness but thanks again to those who took the time to stand in my corner 👍

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 30/08/2016 16:22

Yabu for repeated use of "kiddies"

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