Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - know I am but still can't stop feeling annoyed by DH

134 replies

beachbaby18 · 30/08/2016 09:39

Sorry for ramblings but need to vent!

DH has family down (aunt and uncle) who are staying with his parents.

Yesterday (bank holiday Monday) he plans a fishing trip with his uncle from saying he'll only be a few hours and we'll go to beer garden in afternoon for a drink with kiddies before getting a take away.

Sounds okay to me, although I'll be on my own with kiddies until they return from fishing trip.

His parents take the aunt out for the day to local town for lunch. I wasn't invited.

Fishing trip extends (now know that getting a take away for kiddies is out of question as it will be too late for them to eat) and I end up sitting in garden with kiddies having picnic dinner after going to supermarket with them to choose some goodies (thinking that hubby will join us when he gets back)

He gets back over 2 hrs later than expected and says 'are you ready to go to the pub?' Ur rr no, I'm sitting in garden with kiddies finishing our picnic. He says he has to have quick shower and race back to pub as uncle is in there on his own. His parents and aunt are on their way back from day out and meeting in there.

It's now almost bath and bedtime for kiddies who are tired so I don't take them to pub and instead bath them and do bedtime routine.

Feeling really annoyed that he's been out almost all day, pops in for 10 minutes to have a shower and then goes out to pub, regardless of me or kids.

I tell him i'm annoyed and he says that I said I wanted to stay at home and didn't want to do anything (I didn't) and his family are only visiting for a few days and I haven't made any effort to go to pub to see them.

It is then arranged that I entertain them today whilst he works......feeling so annoyed why should I entertain them today when no one cared that I was on my own with kiddies yest when they were all having fun. Now today when he's working, they want to see kids and he says I'm being unreasonable for not doing something with them!

(I'm working 10am til 1pm but then expected to be hostess with the mostest and take them out!)

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/08/2016 10:40

Please don't feel bad OP. AIBU has a reputation for being fierce. Your husband sounds rather an arsehole, why does he think he's got the right to so many hobbies? He's a father, he needs to start acting like one. If he wants to live like a single guy why did get married and have kids? Tell him ship up or ship out, he's expendable, you're living like a single parent anyway. You can do without him but if he would like to take part in the family life he's created then nows the time.

2014newme · 30/08/2016 10:40

Yes be more assertive so when dh says he us going fishing say let's choose something we can all join in with as I don't want to be entertaining kiddies alone on bank holiday.

Letseatgrandma · 30/08/2016 10:43

My in laws would have loved sitting in the sunny garden for the afternoon chatting whilst the children played in the paddling pool with a cup of tea/glass of wine and then getting a takeaway. I think your DH was being unreasonable here.

Invite your family down for the weekend and then go out all Saturday and then arrange for him to entertain them on the Sunday! You're not his staff.

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2016 10:46

Can't believe the nastiness about using kiddies etc. Since when can posters not use certain terms? Get over yourselves! It's pathetic.

I would be seriously pissed off of my husband buggered off for the Bank Holiday and left me at home with our family. If he works lots, I would hope he'd want to spend time with his kids and wife.

NataliaOsipova · 30/08/2016 10:48

I don't think you're being unreasonable given how small the children are. If they were 10 and 8 then, sure, an hour later to bed and a fruit shoot in the pub so they could see family wouldn't be the end of the world I might think you were being a bit uptight. But at 3 and 17 months you would expect family to arrange things around them and their needs if they wanted to see them. I'd have been cross too!

scallopsrgreat · 30/08/2016 10:49

I'm really surprised about some of the responses on here. YANBU. Your 'D'H was being unreasonable and just expecting you to accommodate him and his family. When does he spend an entire day with his children? And he can fuck off with telling you what you will be doing today. What is he your fucking boss? In fact have you ever told him to fuck off when he makes unreasonable demands (forgive me for being cynical but I suspect that this is not the first time).

Also its OK not to actually want to be left alone with your children when you have them practically all week alone; you have another parent who seems to not spend any time with his children alone at all (or even with you from the sounds of it); everyone else is having a fun day out with very few responsibilities.

You DH is taking you for granted and you are not the default carer/responsible parent. HIBVU.

Happyhippy45 · 30/08/2016 10:49

Wow! Really surprised so many of you thing OP is being unreasonable. This used to happen to me quite often when my two were small and I was a SAHM. DH would make plans with his Dad/bil/friend leaving me with kids and mil/sil/random wife I didn't know plus sil/random wife's kids. Which is fair enough every now and then. It's the returning MUCH later than they originally said, hanging about waiting for them so we can go and eat/make dinner. I'd usually go out and do stuff and be home at the time we had agreed to be back by. I find it disrespectful to be late. I don't think YABU to be annoyed about that.

headinhands · 30/08/2016 10:52

It seems like this may be about not feeling you have as much free time as DH. Do you have an time to do something away from kids? Lunch during day with a friend?

Astoria797 · 30/08/2016 10:53

YANBU. If I were in your position I'd have told your in laws in no uncertain terms that they should make their own plans today.

headinhands · 30/08/2016 10:58

And op you can use kiddies as much as you like here. Flowers

It seems there is a competition on here to be the 'most Mumsnetty Mumsnetter' by ripping apart everything and generally missing the actual point of a forum to support people. Don't worry, next week they'll be back to silently judging everyone at the school gate and MN may return to form.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/08/2016 11:01

dh sounds whiny and inconsiderate.

yanbu. he has decided you are going to be the default child carer, not given thought to the children's usual routine and bedtimes, invited people over without consulting you and expects you to do the work. sod that.

did he apologise for changing plans? how would he react to you inviting your parents to come and expecting him to entertain them?

BolshierAryaStark · 30/08/2016 11:07

I don't think YABU either, your DH clearly didn't give a second thought about you or the DC. I wouldn't be as passive as you're being though-learn the word no & use it ie-'Entertain your visiting relatives who want to see the children but not when you're around to deal with them? No sorry, that doesn't work for me'

schokolade · 30/08/2016 11:09

YANBU op. It's all about the assumption that you're the default carer. And be ready to jump when DH says so.

Possibly he didn't mean it like that. But he was essentially expecting you to keep the kids in a state of readiness in case he returned? Stuff that.

And no way would I take my kids to the pub in a pram. They wouldn't sleep if they were tired. They would scream and screat instead. Anyway, why should they want to sleep in a loud pub instead of their beds?

And who do posters think they are telling people what words to use? Bog off if youvre nothing useful to say.

MrsBobDylan · 30/08/2016 11:13

Yanbu. Would piss me off too, being ignored yesterday, particularly by pil then expected to spring into action today.

Ignore some posters replies - it's kind of a sport on aibu to give a harsh reply for some posters.

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2016 11:16

YANBU I don't think. Seems like you're being taken for granted.

Don't use the word kiddies ever again though.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 30/08/2016 11:24

Are you this passive aggressive with your DH? Based on how martyrish you come across on this thread, my guess is that most of this will resolve itself if you actually stopped complaining and just asked for what you want

BlackeyedSusan · 30/08/2016 11:25

oh, and if the inlaws/ hubby. (flicks Vs at the word police) complain about not seeing them today, point out that they were available yesterday but they chose not to see them then.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 30/08/2016 11:32

AIBU brings out all the dickheads on MN who will completely ignore everything you wrote except one tiny part which they will use to beat you over the head with.

A reputation for being fierce shouldn't mean that people have to be twats.

When I first read the OP, I thought I'd see loads of LTBs, but I should have realised that some posters would rather try and tear the OP a new one over the use of a couple of words than actually post something constructive.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/08/2016 11:33

YANBU - it's a shame your husband didn't want to take advantage of having an extra day with his wife and children.

user1471428758 · 30/08/2016 11:33

Think I just feel annoyed that Dh can go out without a second thought about 17 month old whilst I'm left at home breastfeeding

If your kids are 17 months and 3 there's absolutely NO reason for you to be "left home breastfeeding", FFS, so it's your own silly fault.

You sound like you have a massive martyr complex.

toptoe · 30/08/2016 11:34

I use kiddies in everyday talk. What's my punishment?

Sounds like it's more an oversight and him feeling he has to 'entertain' his Uncle and Auntie, so feeling a bit torn between what suits his family and what suits his Uncle/Auntie. Let him know so next time he arranges something a bit more suitable or you can arrange something with Auntie.

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/08/2016 11:51

YANBU!

Leaving you alone is churlish.

And for him to come home MUCH later than planned, and expect two tiny children to be up and ready for the pub is totally out of order.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2016 12:03

So as he usually has loads of hobbies, this weekend of him doing as he pleases with no thought to his wife and children is pretty much par for the course?

You have a DH problem.

UnderseaPineapple · 30/08/2016 12:04

You sound like you have a massive martyr complex.

No she doesn't.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you read this term somewhere on AIBU and decided to apply it to anything you deem as weakness without understanding the meaning of the phrase?

eggyface · 30/08/2016 12:11

Yanbu, but it's a communication issue. Dh should have kept you informed what he was doing and you could have pinned him down more to timings and held him to it. This assumes he doesn't usually see you as default carer which, as others have said, is a bigger problem. My dh would assume that we are both on for looking after the children at all times when we're both at home and any time off for each of us us negotiated and with a definite end point!