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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 18:18

My mother is 3 miles from my brother's children and 180 miles from the nearest of mine so you can guess which she sees a lot of!

blueturtle6 · 01/09/2016 18:19

Depends on the grandparents, my mum treats brothers children exactly the same and she's very close with them. My mil isn't maternal so different interaction.

Redglitter · 01/09/2016 18:19

Definitely not the case in our family. My brothers children are far far closer to myou mum than their maternal grandmother.

They have a fabulous relationship with my mum and have since they were tiny

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 01/09/2016 18:22

My in laws are lovely people and very well meaning but it is incredibly clear to both me and DH that they prefer their daughter's children. Perhaps prefer is wrong but certainly go out of their way to spend time with them and put them first. I have only sisters so can't judge for my family, also my mum isn't in the country so it's not like I go to her first. Just very obvious that our DC are a low second fiddle to SILs (several of them) children. Shame and feels almost intended and very hurtful yet I'm certain it's nothing malicious!

MammouthTask · 01/09/2016 18:22

seaviewer the thing with that sort of study is that, iot's only universal in whatever countries/societies, the study has been done.
Most societies so far have been patriarcal with the very strong idea that women were the nurturing ones. So of course, mothers and then their own mothers, would have been the 'nurturing' ones, hence children having better survival chances with maternal grand mothers.

Our society though isn't as patriarcal and we have ther chance to have better equality between men and women. I nsuspect this will also mean that paternal grand parents will be able to build better and closer relationship with their grand children, as shown on this thread.
This is the issue with that sort study. You can only use them when you are in the same society and you certainly can't say that 'it's universal', unless you also accept that men and women are different and that men can't possibly be nurturing etc... Or that, once a male has left the family and is married then he will have little to do with his own family, all the caring been carried by his wife (because only a woman can be nurturing).
If you dont believe in men being unable to look after children or that women are the only able to do that sort of tasks, then there is no reason why paternal grand parents cannot be close to the grand children.
Note: any study done in this country on previous generations will not reflect what is going to happen nowdays as sio much change has happened re sharing of the role

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 01/09/2016 18:22

That's several sisters in law I meant

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 18:25

People also need to read my first post again. Not once have I said that I would treat any grandchildren differently, I only have grandchildren off daughters anyway but the point I was making was that friends could see a difference in my relationship to them as to the relationship they have with their sons children. They say they don't feel as free and able to be completely themselves round their sons children. This is what THEY say so why criticise me. As my link shows, it is something that is universally recognised. Not my fault sorry, right or wrong, it's just the way it is.

EddieStobbart · 01/09/2016 18:26

I really don't like the tone of this thread either. I have a brother and I'd be really upset if I thought my mum was closer to my children than his - we're not as neither of us as close to her which I think is the key factor. My in-laws have two sons (both of whom they are very close to) and the idea that they would always be "second tier" grandparents is really depressing. I only have DDs and I don't want to be more significant in the lives of any grandchildren I might one day have. I hope to be close to my DDs into adulthood but I want them to have a good relationship with any ILs they might have and hope DGC would be equally close.

AwkwardAnnie · 01/09/2016 18:30

It depends on the Grandparents. I'm more relaxed and comfortable around my parents and can say what I think. I always feel like a guest at my in laws but I don't see any difference between closeness of my kids with either sets of grandparents. My kids probably like the in-laws more unfortunately.
IL's are doting grandparents who spoil and indulge them which drives me mad. My parents treat them in the same way I do, insisting on good manners and behaviour but also having lots of fun with them.
My parents see my brother's children more as they look after them when my brother & SIL are working late, we live further away so only go up some weekends but all the kids are treated equally. I see my nieces and nephews other grandparents too and again see no difference in closeness with any of them.
I know my Mum is much more honest with me than she is my SIL but that's a normal mother/child thing

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 18:31

Just to say, when I was thinking about this I wasn't necessarily thinking that the paternal grandparents would love the grandchildren any less. It cold be to do with the mum being the main carer and her relationship with the pil.

Just for example loads of women have their mums a the birth don't they.

It's only been my experience of things and usually a result of the mum turning to her own parents for advice and support.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 01/09/2016 18:34

If my parents were still alive (they never met my DCs) I know without a doubt that they would have been closer to them than my PILs.
My DC are now 15 and 12, and when my MIL was talking about moving closer to us, she said 'I'm still not babysitting'. And she never has.

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 18:36

I have 8 grandchildren, all off my daughters and I am close to everyone of them, their paternal grandparents don't show the same interest in them. Two grandmothers on the fathers side definitely favour their daughters children, mine seem to be second best. I'm sure they would show more interest if mine were the only ones, but I feel as if they don't need them. So wrong but it's just one of many examples I've come across.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 18:36

Seaviewer i understand what you mean.

I have a more relaxed relationship with my own mum than with mil, even though mil is nice.

With my own mum I can probably be quite cheeky in the help is ask for, she will tell me straight if she thinks I'm doing something wrong and neither of us take offence.

I can say to my mum "mum these kids are driving me mad can you have them for an hour before I put them on eBay", I just couldn't be like that with mil.

OP posts:
Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 18:38

My mum has upset sil before by offering unwanted opinions about the dc. It's not that my mum loves my dc more she just perhaps feels she can do what she wants with them.

OP posts:
EddieStobbart · 01/09/2016 18:39

It's seems even sadder that the parental grandparents love their grandchildren just as much as on the maternal side but the grandchildren themselves would feel less close. Fun reading for those with only DS.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 18:41

I have boys but I can imagine my future dil might go to her own mum. You never know but seems to me that's usually the case.

OP posts:
Craigie · 01/09/2016 18:41

It's just you.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 18:44

Well it's obviously not because lots of people are agreeing.

It works both ways too, my mil does lots with her own daughter like shopping that she just wouldn't with me and dh wouldn't be interested.

OP posts:
EddieStobbart · 01/09/2016 18:45

On the bright side, it does make really nice reading that so many of you have good relationship with your DMs. Most people I know have a bit of a fraught one so am glad to read it is possible!

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 18:50

Cedric yes that's what I'm trying to convey, my Dm could also speak the same way to me when she'd babysat, "these kids have drove me mad today" or "so and so's been a right little handful today" She just couldn't have talked that way to her Dil for fear of offending her. With me she could just say what she liked. Smile

pamhill64 · 01/09/2016 18:50

I find my DIL now has a good relationship with her DM and speaks daily, as well as seeing her 2-3 times a week. This is despite her DM working full time and being on the other side of the city! We only live a few streets away and I don't work, but have had to "book" a regular 3 hour slot to see the 2 eldest DGC after school each week, or else it was hit and miss. Some weeks we don't see the 7 month DGD as she's "asleep" and "too little" to come out with her siblings (she's bottle fed not breat btw). We've offered regular babysitting, one-offs " if"we know of an event, coffee meet ups etc but it rarely happens. I've no idea why and try to be supportive about parenting/lifestyle choices (doing things as she likes them but acknowledge I've made mistakes- not deliberately but I'm human) and not say anything that might be misconstrued so yes I guess it's not as natural as with her DM but it does hurt and I wish it was much closer. However I'm grateful for what we have so can't moan but do want more! Confused

Everytimeref · 01/09/2016 18:51

I am about to be a grandmother, as my sons partner is due any day. I am really concerned about how much involvement I will have with my grandson. Already I am worried about overstepping the mark and be considered interferring.
My DIL DM has already dismissed me on several occasions, will not acknowledge that I will also be babies grandmother. I dont want to get into competitive granny situation.

Gottagetmoving · 01/09/2016 18:57

I am closer to my son's children than I am to my daughter's, probably because they live nearer and I see them all the time.

PrincessMario · 01/09/2016 19:00

I feel shit because my MIL has openly told me that when her daughter gives birth, MIL won't be able to love the child as much as she loves my daughter.

My SIL has been through years of IVF and after all the stress and heartache, she is due to have a little boy in December. I'm so excited for her, but can't get my MIL voice out of my head. ConfusedConfused xxx

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 19:03

There seems to be a view that your child is an extension of you and doesn't have a mind of their own.
As soon as I could walk I was one of my grandad's shadow- there was just something about our personalities that gelled. I expect that my grandmothers were more nurturing- I just liked being with my grandfather.

There is also a lot of nonsense about not being sure who the father is. My eldest looks just like his father, my middle one just like FIL and the youngest very like my father - proving that my father is who I think he is!