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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Welliesandwings · 31/08/2016 21:29

My MIL plays a huge part in my DC's lives as she cares for them after school whilst DH and I are working. DH has a sister who has 3 girls and MIL has cared for them in the same way too. However; one weekend my auntie and uncle had come to stay and we had gone out for Sunday lunch with them along with my in laws, my Dad (mum died 5 years ago) and my sister. My Auntie was sat next to me, my MIL next to her and they were talking about grandchildren. I heard my MIL actually say to my auntie .."well you feel more for your daughter's children than you do your son's."
WTAF!!! Sadly, this woman is the only Grandmother my children have and to hear she feels this way was just gutting.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 21:53

I think perhaps a lot of posters have very young children. My children are adults and they have lovely relationships with their remaining grandparents- it is silly to think it is under my control or anything to do with me being a DD or a DIL. Hopefully you are a grandparent for a long time -the baby, toddler bit is over very quickly.

InfiniteCurve · 31/08/2016 22:07

Lots of factors play a part - DC were close to both Grandmothers in different ways,but while I visited my parents regularly and so DC saw them,DHs Mum would come to us (when I was at work,as she didn't think he could cope on his own! Grin)
DSis and I were close to my paternal grandmother - but she lived with us,so that was a whole other thing! And because she lived with us DMum didn't see her own mother as much as she might have done.But my maternal GMum was close to my ( male) cousins,her son's children.
So - I think it all depends!

HeCantBeSerious · 31/08/2016 22:27

I think perhaps a lot of posters have very young children. My children are adults and they have lovely relationships with their remaining grandparents- it is silly to think it is under my control or anything to do with me being a DD or a DIL. Hopefully you are a grandparent for a long time -the baby, toddler bit is over very quickly

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Were it not for the effort made by my parents when I was a child I wouldn't have any sort of adult relationship with my grandmother now. Living hundreds of miles away and needing to be taken there to see my grandparents the relationship would have been iffy at best if left to phonecalls and cards a couple of times a year.

My parents skyped our children daily from when they were first born (due to living thousands of miles away). It meant that when they were able to visit (every 6-8 weeks) DCs knew their voices and faces. The laziness of their paternal grandparents mean that they can take them or leave them even now (aged 7 and 5) and they'll likely have little relationship as adults. It's the inlaws' loss IMV.

DoreenLethal · 31/08/2016 22:29

You assume of course that the daughters have children.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 22:30

I was assuming that the grandparents were making an effort HeCantBeSerious!!

I was pointing out that it is the personalities of the grandparents and the grandchildren and how they gel. How my mother got on with her MIL had little to do with how I got on with her - past the baby/toddler stage.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 22:32

Very true, Doreen I have several friends who have their sons with children and their DDs are adamant they are not having any! They spend a lot of time with the son's children - I can't see why it makes a difference.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 22:39

I have a lot of friends who have moved mid way between their children, be they DDs or DSs -I don't know any who have said 'I must be nearer my DD because those grandchildren are more important''! ( or even thought it).
Lots of women have very close relationships with their sons.

sophiestew · 31/08/2016 22:43

I read some research (think it was Sussex Uni) about this.

They found that the main reason why grandmothers felt closer to the children of their daughters rather than their sons was this:

A baby girl is born with every single egg she will ever produce. Therefore, your daughter's child is made from an egg that was once inside you, that you made with your body.

Sorry if this made anyone sick up a bit.........

user1471556502 · 01/09/2016 08:32

My Pil are amazing and I see them regularly with both my Dc. They have Another son with 2 DC and she doesn't get a look in with them because their maternal Grandmother is an overbearing cow around a lot. My parents aren't around so it works well.

delilahbucket · 01/09/2016 08:50

In our family, although I speak to my mum every day I don't see her much. My ds is much closer to my dad and stepmum. We live close to them although probably my only see them once a month. DPs mum idolises ds, however she lives round the corner from her dad and two dgc and therefore sees them 2-3 times a week compared to every 1-2 months with us. DPs dad and stepmum are the worst. They see her daughters and kids almost every day. They see DPs sis every sat without fail. They never have time to see us which results in them wanting to turn up at 8pm on a week day night just as ds is going to bed. They used to just turn up unannounced but I put a stop to that. We left for our hol last wed at 2:30am. They wanted to come round on the Tuesday evening knowing we were going away! They've not seen us for months. Ds barely even knows who they are.

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 09:46

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughters children?
100% yes, without a shadow of a doubt. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule but in most cases they are. Speaking as a grandparent myself with many friends who are as well, nearly everyone of them would agree with you. When I was young my children were very close to my mother, mil lived near bye and had many grandchildren, but it was her daughters children who she was closer to.

My mother and my mil even talked different to their grandkids, depending on whether they were her sons or her daughters children. With sons children I think they felt they couldn't be themselves around the grandkids as much as they could around their sons.

My sister and friends with Dils sees me with my daughters children and they see a big difference in the way I am with my grandchildren as opposed to how they are. But they're the same as me when they're with their Dds children ifswim.Sister often says she wouldn't be able to be as free and easy as I am because dil might not approve etc. Like I said this isn't the case with everyone but on the whole I think it's quite accurate.

Yorkieheaven · 01/09/2016 13:12

100% no. Just wierd. How could I possibly love some grandchildren more than others? I don't. It's like saying you prefer one of your own children to another. Just so utterly nasty.

I see my dils and my dds and love them all. As I do my sons and hopefully future son in laws.

I find in life you get back what you give abs if you are a living mum and gran then you get the love right back at you.

I gate people who say crap like 'boys are more loving' or you 'loose a son and gain a sil' it's bollocks.

Yorkieheaven · 01/09/2016 13:13

Loving mum not living!!

CloudPirate · 01/09/2016 13:24

This really upsets me.

As I don't have my Mum around my MIL will be the only grandmother any children of ours have, and I'd also like to think DH and I could go to her for advice etc... to hear women actually saying, yes my DD's children are 'more special' than my DS's... I can't imagine having children and then valuing some of their children more than others Sad

There also seems to be a lot of blaming the DIL for the relationship not being as good?!

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 13:36

Do not get upset CloudPirate - I do not know why people start these threads. It is a load of rubbish and everyone is individual. If you love your children unconditionally then why in earth would you prefer the children of one of them?
I can't see how it possible to love one grandchild more than another just because of whose child they happen to be. The child is an individual and they make their own relationships.
I have never heard such a load of old codswallop as put forward by seaviewer . Now that most of my friends are grandparents I do not know a single one who feels like that!

What is interesting is how many have grandchildren who take after them, far more than their own children do. I can't see why you wouldn't have a special bond if your son's daughter looks very like you, or is like you in character. I have shown my mother various pictures of children and said 'guess whose grandchild that is?' And she has been right every time - if it hasn't been looks it has been attitude.

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 13:38

The DIL attitude only matters when they are very little , CloudPirate but after that it is irrelevant (unless she makes access difficult).

squoosh · 01/09/2016 13:41

I have never heard such a load of old codswallop as put forward by seaviewer

I agree with this!

CloudPirate · 01/09/2016 15:27

Thanks fresh I do have a great relationship with my MIL (or at least I feel I do, I hope she would agree!) but I also realise that I am not her DD and that SIL will always have a different relationship with her. I sometimes get jealous of the mother-daughter relationship they have (completely irrational, I know, and I would never let them know about it, or expect to be treated the same, I think MIL treats me as close to a daughter as possible).

But in any case, our DC would be DHs as well (or thats the plan Grin ), so hopefully there would be no reason for them to be treated any differently.

So very glad that seaviewer is not my MIL

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 17:02

I and glad that I am not seaviewer's son- it must be hard to be second best.
I think that people are muddling their own relationship with the child's grandparents with the child/grandparent relationship.
I find it very easy to strike up a relationship with any child- you just have to give them plenty of time and attention. The grandparent who is happy to play games of monopoly, read the same books over and over, bake cakes etc (whatever the child loves doing) is going to make a very good relationship regardless of whether they are favoured by the mother or not.

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 17:03

Hopefully she hasn't got a son and her post is based on having just daughters.

NemosMum21 · 01/09/2016 17:53

Just an anthropological perspective: worldwide, children who have only maternal grandmothers living are more likely to survive to adolescence than those who have only paternal grandmothers living. One hypothesis is that the paternal grandmother can never be sure that her grandchildren are actually her son's biological issue, whereas a maternal grandmother can be pretty sure her daughter's children are her biological progeny. Therefore, there is a slight tendency to favour daughter's children with nurture/resources. However, we can override our genes to some extent, so let's not do favouritism!

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 17:55

Only on mumsnet would people disagree with my post. In the real world everyone I know is of the same opinion as me. As usual a post has been misconstrued. My Dm loved all her grandchildren equally, whether from her sons or her daughters. But she was closer to her daughters kids purely in the sense that she was allowed to be. Her Dils did not allow her the same freedom. Everyone I know says similar. To deny this is just being deluded. I'm amazed that people think otherwise.

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 18:05

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200811/which-grandparent-are-you-closest
You'd think I'd said something outrageous. It's universal for goodness sake as this article says.

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 18:15

It is as I thought and you are muddling up your relationship with the grandparents with your children's relationship. Of course they will be closer if you control access and make sure that your own mother gets free access and MIL is a 'visitor'.
Only on MN do I find this, in RL my friends get in very well with DIL and see a lot of their grandchildren and make their own relationships. Often they see more , as 2 friends have their sons local and their DIL's parents are in Scotland.