Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Pinkbabe1 · 31/08/2016 16:46

It is that way in our current family as my MIL died before I met DH and FIL is not close to DH really. However when I was growing up I was 100% closer to DF's parents and only saw my DM's parents very occasionally, even though we all lived in the same town. This was due to my DM not being particularly close with her parents so I suppose it depends on relationship too?

EddieStobbart · 31/08/2016 16:49

If I needed practical support and had to chose either my
DM or DMIL to rely on, it'd be DMIL every time. They stay for long periods and I like my space but she's a lovely, sensible and dependable woman whereas my DM would become anxious and stressed.

HeadDreamer · 31/08/2016 16:55

It's only natural isn't it? Of course you are closer to your own parents. They have been with you all your childhood. So it's not a surprised you feel more at home with them, and will visit them more.

Also, mothers tend to be the main carers of children. They tend to work part time or SAH. And if they spend time with their parents, then naturally the maternal grandparents get more time with the grand children. This is especially true if the father works very long hours and is never in sole care of the children.

If the relationship breaks down, ofc it's not the mother's duty to take the grandchildren to see their ex's parents.

However this is not universal. Many fathers do take care of their children. I see them on day outs during school holidays. DH also insists on working reasonably family friendly hours and takes the children on his own. He's not the only one in his company to do that. Many do school runs and do holiday care. When DH have the children, he takes them to see his mum. It's a win win because then we gain back time in the weekend without having to entertain MIL.

Wadingthroughsoup · 31/08/2016 17:00

My parents died a few years ago so my kids now only have my ILs as grandparents. When my folks were still around, they probably saw them a bit more than the ILs did, but that was largely because my ILs were both still working FT while my own parents were retired.
ILs only have sons so there's no 'competition' with DCs from a daughter.

We probably see my ILs slightly more often than I would choose to, but as they are my DCs' only grandparents, I suck it up.

RainbowUnicornPoop · 31/08/2016 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxillin · 31/08/2016 17:11

One of the few points gender inequality works in women's favour.

In many families this falls under "wifework". She picks up the phone to grandparents, writes birthday cards, books tickets, plans holidays, organises family childcare. She naturally is closer to her own folks than his so organises these things to meet them. So maternal grandparents often end up closer to the gc than paternal ones.

Gowgirl · 31/08/2016 17:11

I'm definatley closer to my mum, she dosnt visit just turns up and pitches in! I also get on really well with my mil but much as she adores my three, I think once sil has her baby she will see it as more 'hers' in a way, it's just the way it is!

WeAllHaveWings · 31/08/2016 17:12

my mum definitely closer to my brothers daughter (first dgc) than my son who she struggles to hold a conversation with now he is 12 and she is in her late 70's, she was much better with him pre school. think she just prefers girls.

HeCantBeSerious · 31/08/2016 17:12

Our daughter is the only grandchild on both sides,and is equally adored. I think number of grandchildren may have a lot to do with feeling more wanted

DH's family weren't much bothered with our firstborn (first grandchild on both sides). She's now 1 of 8 and they reeeeeeeally can't be arsed with either of ours now.

Yes, they're about 4 hours drive away. My parents were a 9 hour flight away and still visited every chance they got.

JaniceBattersby · 31/08/2016 17:13

My mum loves 200 miles away and is much closer to my three boys than my MIL is. MIL lives less than a mile away and we see her daily on the school run, as she takes SIL's kids to school every day. She barely acknowledges my kids and so they don't give a shit about her. It fucking serves her right, the old bag. She tries to put on a show in the schoolyard but the youngest barely even knows who she is.

She's the same with my husband. Favours SIL in every single situation. We stopped asking her to babysit when, every time we did, it was met with the reply: "I'll have to ask SIL." I mean FFS, can SIL not look after her own fucking kids for one second so MIL could see her son's children? She came round to drop something at our house last week on her 'day off' from looking after SIL's children and wouldn't stay to speak to our children because she 'needed a break'.

Stil, because she tells everyone she treats all her grandchildren the same, it must be right, yeah? I could go on for hours, I really could.

DH is devastated by the whole situation TBH but it's definitely MIL's loss.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/08/2016 17:19

DH is devastated by the whole situation TBH but it's definitely MIL's loss.

Same here...

Stevefromstevenage · 31/08/2016 17:25

Our daughter is the only grandchild on both sides,and is equally adored. I think number of grandchildren may have a lot to do with feeling more wanted

We definitely don't have that ours are the only on one side and 3 of 15 and counting on the other side. They are adored equally by both and the grandparents with 15 love my brothers' children the same as mine and my sister's. I think it is more to do with individual family dynamic because I have seen grandparents with little or no interest in a single grandchild which is pretty sad.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 17:39

I don't think so. Possibly when they are little and the mother is in control, but once they can walk and talk they make their own relationships. My mother might be closer to her own parents but that has no bearing on me- I am not my mother.
My mother is closer to my brother's children but that is just geography and they live near- it was the other way around when mine were small because she lived near us and 200 miles from my brother.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 17:41

I think that it is purely geography and the most important part that is the personalities of the grandparents and grandchildren.

lifeonthemuvaside · 31/08/2016 18:28

Definitely agree with this! I think it's because I'm primary carer (even though I work full time and am the breadwinner) so I make most decisions with regards to DC. Get on well with MIL although she does irritate me a bit but always go to my mother for help and babysitting! Don't think MIL is bothered though, well she's never said anything anyway x

Gwenhwyfar · 31/08/2016 18:46

I don't agree with that at all Fresh. Once you can walk, doesn't necessarily mean you can go places on your own and if they live far away it means waiting until you're 17 and able to drive. A child is unlikely to be able to make their own relationship with a grandparent.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/08/2016 18:57

In any case this is something that's well documented by scholars so not really just a matter of opinion.
Of course personality and geography comes into it and in many families it may be different, but in general it's true.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 19:11

I didn't mean that you can physically see them, but of course you make your own relationships. I was very like my paternal grandmother and so was in the same wavelength- my mother's relationship had no bearing on it.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 19:13

'In general' has nothing to do with the individual. It certainly wasn't true in my family.

trafficcarrots · 31/08/2016 19:23

In my situation both grandparents are equally vacant, I have no idea if other grandchildren are favoured higher or not, we visit on birthdays or special days an wing it until Christmas. Not ideal but that's them.

I'm going on a limb but by the time your kids grow up and you have a daughter in law, times would have changed so much that actual conversation beyond facebook likes is just weird. I'm kidding but you get the analogy.

Osakagirl · 31/08/2016 19:25

My parents live in the north of Scotland, whilst we live in London, 45 minutes from my in laws. However, my kids are much closer to my parents, particularly my mum. This is partly because we go and stay for longer - two weeks or so at a time. But mostly it's because my M-I-L is so uninterested - she wants to be able to tell her mates she has grandkids and take photos of them, but rarely comes to see them. We see her maybe once a month, sometimes less. She'll look after the older one if I ask her, but obviously resents it as she didn't have help when she was bringing her kids up. It might also be because my husband is adopted and has a difficult relationship with them. I asked her for help when I had an emergency c-section with dc2, but she has done next to nothing. Perhaps she assumes her daughter (also adopted) will have kids but it's looking less likely as she gets older. Tbh, given how little help she has given us, I don't feel that compelled to look after her when she is older beyond the basics.

HormonalHeap · 31/08/2016 19:29

If my mother cruises either of my children, I'm likely to agree with her, or even if I don't there's no offence taken. I'm happy for her to interfere, and if I'm not I just say enough already!

But she doesn't have that easy way with my sil (bro's wife). She's terrified of upsetting her, of saying the wrong thing. So although she loves all her grandchildren equally, she's more involved in my childrens' lives, because I make her and need her.

HormonalHeap · 31/08/2016 19:29

Cruises-criticises!

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 19:30

To reassure those who might be getting depressed with what scholars say - I am now at the stage where most of my friends are becoming grandparents and it really doesn't matter whether you have sons or daughters- a lot have both and they don't favour DDs. They have generally been busy over the long summer holiday helping with childcare - in fact they have specifically moved nearer to do this. As most women now work they need all the help they can get!
Proved by the fact that we are sort of honorary grandparents to my friend's son's children because we live near and can help.
I can think of 2 friends with DSs who have problems but then they have problem DILs. The answer is to make sure that you are on friendly terms before they have children.
You get a skewed picture on MN because people are more likely to post when they have problems.

FreshHorizons · 31/08/2016 19:32

Probably down to personality rather than geography.