AIBU to not want to leave my 6 month old any time soon?

[seri0usly]

Background - I'm taking 3 years out from working so he won't be attending nursery. He is exclusively breastfed and we've recently started the weaning process. He's my youngest and last child.

AIBU to not want to leave him with relatives that want to have him? I have no reason too and don't want to cause any upset to him just to please other people. AIBU?

I have a DS 18 months old, and currently 39 weeks pregnant. I am a mother but it isn't all I am. I am still me, and still need to do things for independent of my children. From when DS was 2 months old , I went on the odd evening out, hairdresser, beautician, weddings, weekend in London with DH, KIT days at work, running club. Baby was either with DH, PIL or my DM or the odd friend. I don't feel in the least bit bad about it at all. He was BF but we introduced one bottle of formula at 5 weeks old as he was feeding constantly and i was exhausted. Best decision we made. It gave us so much flex and have my DH the chance to have loads of one on one time with DS without worrying if he got hungry. My DS and DH have the most amazing bond, DS and PIL have the most amazing bond. He went into nursery at 10 months old and still took a while to settle but he has never shown any separation anxiety at all.

Everyone ahould do whatever they want but I have known plenty of dads who can't settle their babies/toddlers as the mothers never give them the opportunity to establish that bond. DS is as much my husband's son as mine.

And I have had to sit and listen to my MIL and SiL talk about how they couldn't leave their kids at nursery etc, maybe they don't realise their comments can be hurtful but agree with PP, when women bleat on a ok not being able to leave their babies, it can make working mum's feel like crap.

I work at the moment because I have to but even if we could afford me not to, I would still work. I would be a crap SAHM. And with that i am off to drop DS at his GPs for the day.

And I have had to sit and listen to my MIL and SiL talk about how they couldn't leave their kids at nursery etc, maybe they don't realise their comments can be hurtful but agree with PP, when women bleat on a ok not being able to leave their babies, it can make working mum's feel like crap.

I think only if you let it. Everyone is different and feels differently, they probably don't mean to appear judgy, they are just giving their opinion. In some ways I think sahms are often defensive of
their choices/the situation they are forced into as they get judged too. They may feel that you look down on them for not having a career for example (I've felt this a bit with my mil and sil even though it's definitely NOT the case!) A woman's place is in the wrong and all.

Everyone ahould do whatever they want but I have known plenty of dads who can't settle their babies/toddlers as the mothers never give them the opportunity to establish that bond. DS is as much my husband's son as mine.

This!!

Don't get me wrong; I breastfed all of mine beyond a year, co-slept when it worked etc...but I was so very grateful for time to be me.

Of course you are not bu, your baby your choice!

However I have a 6 month old too who is EBF and I would literally bite the arm off anyone who wanted him for the night

Any takers???

YANBU - it's entirely up to you if you don't want to let other people look after your child.

Just be aware that there is no right or wrong way. I was back at work when dc1 was 12 weeks old. I was able to take a longer ML after dc2 and was then home with my children for 18 months after dc3. So there was a fair bit of variation in the amount of time they spent physically with me. If you met them now, as grown ups, you wouldn't have a clue which had spent more, or less, time with me.

So do what suits you because you want to; not because of any misguided notion that you ought to do it that way or that it will make your child more confident etc

The only proviso to this is that I think it's awful how a minority of mums shut the father out and barely 'let' him spend 1:1 time with his child. How wrong to deny the child that experience with their other parent.
I also can't help wondering whether these are the same mums who a few years later are moaning on MN about their dh never lifting a finger to help with the children!

I read this kind of thread regularly on MN and I am always taken aback at the intensity and self-absorbtion that seems to go Into parenting these days.
It's as if mum has been waiting her whole life for this time to feel special, important and respected and nothing is going to get in the way of that feeling.
Wider family are judged with suspicion for having the nerve to want to help out, and of course, people on here are keen to point out 'your baby, your rules'.
It's as if this generation is the first one to have ever had children and I seriously worry for the children growing up overmothered and pandered to, the centre of their mother's world.
I think we need to bring a bit of balance back into parenting, to be honest.

I don't think it's OTT for a mum not to want to leave her 6 month old cath

I agree that there's a lot of OTT stuff wrt extended family on MN. This isn't one of them.

YANBU I too have a six month old and am pretty reluctant to leave him, not because I don't trust anybody, just because I don't want to.

His first overnight stay was actually just two nights ago because me and DP were absolutely crippled with gastroenteritis and completely incapable of caring for him overnight (constant vomiting, hallucinating, on call dr out, the lot!) and I was very grateful that my grandparents could look after him while we were so poorly. I was there at 9am to pick him up and he was absolutely fine, it probably won't be happening again until he's a bit older because I feel like it's a big ask and I don't actually like being away from him.

I also don't understand the relatives that ask to 'have him to themselves' for hours on end for no reason, why? It doesn't feel like a 'break' for me...

You do what's right for you and your DC

Maybe relatives love your child and want to spend time with them? Maybe it has bugger all to do with giving you "time off"?!

I agree six months is young. Fair enough. Mine weren't left with grandparents overnight until much later.

However. They aren't just my (and my dp's) children. They are also nieces, nephews, grandchildren etc.

Maybe, as I understand it - and I could be wrong - we are not talking about an overnight stay, just a few hours babysitting?
I honestly sit speechless at some of the guff on here, and I think some mums are in danger of raising seriously dysfunctional children if they don't get a grip.
As I have said here before, I have a big age gap between my oldest (23) and next (12) child and the difference in attitudes to parenting in those 11 years is amazing. By the time I had ds2 (9) things had moved on even more and parenting seemed to be constantly judged, compared and shared with seemingly everyone jostling for position to be the best mummy ever.
I think this obsession with my baby my rules are s a serious backward step - generations before us fought for equality yet this generation seems to be hellbent on tying mothers back to the home.

Back to the idea that babies need their primary caregiver until they are 3, and this gem is to counter misinformation of attachment.

I am a developmental psychologist. There is NO EVIDENCE that kids who spend time with others develop attachment disorder. NO EVIDENCE at all. Attachment disorder is caused by abuse or neglect. A baby can spend the first three years of her life with her emotionally neglectful mother and develop attachment disorder, and a baby can spend time with a variety of loving and emotionally sensitive adults and grow to be a well attached person.

Go to work, take advantage of family who want to help if you want to, or don't if you don't want to. Just remember that neither will hurt the baby. This argument is about what makes for a happy parent. Happy caregivers, who love their babies, talk to their babies, and respond sensitively to the baby make for happy, well attached babies.

So much parenting choice is framed about what is best for baby when it is really about what is best for the family. The babies are resilient. Love them, talk to them, keep them safe. The rest is just noise.

I'm not tied to my home Cathf.

I'll be going back to work when DS is 9 months old what's wrong with wanting to spend what little time I do have off with him actually with him? There's plenty of time for days out and sleepovers with relatives when he's older, is there not?

OP YANBU. Do what is best for you. It does't make a bit of difference in the long run to the baby but if leaving will make you unhappy, there is no reason to leave.

Cathf - you are expressing it in quite extreme terms, but I do get where you're coming from. I had my first over 20 years ago, and there certainly didn't seem to be this desperate competitiveness about parenting that's around today. I also recognise your point that for some mums, having a baby seems to the first thing they've ever done worthy of respect and validation, which is rather sad.

I suspect though the rise of social media since we had our first children has got a lot to do with the whole competitive thing.

And I also think it's a bit ironic that now at long last shared parental leave is an option, the take up is so low! It does feel a bit like these things which is older mums would have chewed our arm off for, are being rejected by many of today's mums. Anyway, thats probably a whole other thread!

us older mums

My point exactly members malvinanhobbs - it's not about baby, it's about mum, dressed up as being about baby.
Living, if you are going back to work in three months, do you not think it might be a good idea to get baby - and you - used to being apart for short bursts at a time?

Back to the OP, you're not unreasonable at all. But you are within your rights to change your mind so just let them know that you're grateful for their offer and you will let them know when you want to take them up on it!

Isn't there a difference between you asking for a family member to have the baby and them offering and agreeing and the family members who are desperate to prise the baby from the mother just so they can have them alone for themselves for a day.

I get the whole social media and attitude that no one has ever been a mother before and all the competition and I think it's a disservice to women but that's different to the issue of specific overbearing family members. This isn't something everyone has though and I think individual mothers know if the person offering is doing it as they want the baby alone for themselves, not as a favour to the mum.

basic

If one parent wants to stay at home , I would never judge. In fact I am in awe of those that stay at home and do all the sensory play, messy play, constructive play etc etc. Home made sensory toys. Which is why I would be useless staying at home. I have not got a creative bone in my body and my children would not get the same activities they do at nursery. Which is why I could never stay at home. But my reasons for not wanting t stay at home actually heap praise on those that do. However the other way round the reasons given by stay at home parents can make others feel bad. To say it is just their opinion is also a load of crap. If my Friend bought an expensive fancy sports car, I would never go round to her house and start making comments about people who bought expensive sports cars. It would be rude and I am guessing she wouldn't be friends with me for much longer. Anyway, I am rambling a bit. Having dropped DS off at grandparents - didn't even look back as he ran off and started playing, I am now enjoying a cup of tea and a Danish.

House wow your posts are very aggressive and defensive. The things you are responding to are not written in this thread. My posts weren't sanctimonious or judgemental, nor were they incorrect, but I understand they made you feel defensive.

If you read my post on page 2 you will see that I already apologised for making anyone feel bad.

However. My posts were not aimed at you. They were not aimed at anyone who is or has been happy to leave their dc with others.

My posts were aimed at the OP and others who don't want to leave their dc and get heavily judged, criticised, and pressured about it. As indeed many PP have done here - lots of criticism of wanting to stay with dc, but I don't see any of these PP apologising.

So although I understand this is an emotive topic, please don't take my posts out of context and twist them as they were never intended for you.

Hth.

Mine were around eight months before I left them with dh for even half an hour (ebf)

I'm really astounded at views like this. You created this child together, why are you with someone you clearly dont trust to look after their OWN child?

Champagne yes I totally agree and think there's a difference between asking and accepting and having baby took out for the day and dressed up as it being so 'mum can have a break'.

Cathf we have started that process but with those that he will be spending the days that I'm at work, not random family members who see him occasionally (as the OP stated was her issue). And we only started leaving him when he and I were ready. A lot has changed over the past few years with regard to parenting (babies), my own mother and aunt (who has a 6yo) were astounded to find out when we switched to bottle feeding that the guidelines no longer allow you to make bottles in advance for example. So on the back of that anybody who looked after DS would have to know that and how to make them etc before I was comfortable leaving him

You just need to do what you are comfortable with. My DS in 7 months and I bite the hand off of anyone who will look after him even for a few hours. If someone offers to take him overnight all you see is a LifeInJeneral shaped dust cloud as I run off to open a bottle of wine. I am, however, a single mum so these rare occasions of having some time off are priceless to me! Everyone is different

I don't see 'many' posters who have heavily criticised the OP. Plenty of people have said they were happy to leave their children (me included) but as far as I can see that's always qualified with 'but that doesn't mean you have to. Do what YOU feel is right'

The only heavy criticism seems to be for mums who sideline the father and don't 'allow' him 1:1 time with his child, and as I said I think that's fair criticism because it's denying the child something important

I agree with cath.
We need more balance to the parenting these days. We have swung too far one way. It was all supposed to be 'about the child', but it's swung too far that way.
And also, the parents themselves. We seem to have a generation of mums who are desperate to be wanted and needed. Want their child to think they are fantastic, like a best friend. No, you are not supposed to be their best friend, you are supposed to be their mum. That's actually a slightly different role. It seems more about them (mum's needs) than it does about the child.

I really hope that it becomes more balanced.