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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my 6 month old any time soon?

136 replies

seri0usly · 29/08/2016 20:19

Background - I'm taking 3 years out from working so he won't be attending nursery. He is exclusively breastfed and we've recently started the weaning process. He's my youngest and last child.

AIBU to not want to leave him with relatives that want to have him? I have no reason too and don't want to cause any upset to him just to please other people. AIBU?

OP posts:

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 06:42

Separation not delegation ffs

And these comments "they're only little once" "carting off" "farming out" "dumping" "why have children if you want to be away from them". This thread is like reading the Daily Mail.

YorkieDorkie · 30/08/2016 06:49

Trifle yes you're probably right! I just want to add I'm not in anyway judging others for wanting a break, going back to work etc etc!! I'm not an "attachment parent". I'm simply saying that I feel the pressure from PILs to get her on the bottle so they can have her and I don't think that's what's best for my daughter. I would also agree with PP about separation anxiety thought, she's definitely exhibiting sighs of worrying if I leave her. I don't believe that leaving her more often would help that .

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 06:49

the drip drip drip of ideology

AIBU to not want to leave my 6 month old any time soon?

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 06:51

And please don't say "but this isn't about working mum's it's about PILS and a bottle" - it is about working mums as well because the moment you say leaving babies is damaging/ignores seperate on anxiety/babies need mum as primary carer most at 6 months by default you include working mum's because THEY CANNOT work and be joined to their babies from 6 months. So please realise the implications of what you say

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 06:52

Yep, Yorkie, that is fine and completely up to you. I fully expect to have the same pressure from my family and in-laws when my first pops out, but I won't read anything sinister into it! They will just want to bond with and spend time with the baby without me 😂

Of course, I will still say no if I am not comfortable with it, but by the 3 month point I imagine I will say, "Yes, great, here's her bag, see you tomorrow!" and wave them cheerfully out of the front door.

WhatTheActualFugg · 30/08/2016 06:53

OP you don't need an excuse, he's your baby. You do what you're comfortable with.

I always used to tell people I wasn't leaving my baby until the baby could tell me they were OK with it. Which naturally happened at about 18 months. This was vitally important me and something I very glad we did.

My ILs were certainly secretly a bit but quite frankly I didn't care less.

Mine are 6 and 4 now and it's all worked out fine with no problems.

You don't need to have reasons for your parenting op. But if you don't want to be railroaded into doing something you don't want you need to have a backbone and just tell people how it is.

clare2307 · 30/08/2016 06:53

I think it depends on you and it depends on the baby. It's different for everyone, no right or wrong. But no, no one should pressure you to leave your baby. I'm sure you will when the time is right for you and for baby.

TallulahTheTiger · 30/08/2016 06:56

Thanks mint and yoo I'm already anxious enough about going back to work in 9 months (ages away I know) as I'm the higher wage earner so DH will be SAHP. Am pleased to see others have same derision for dailyfails mumshaming shite as I previously could just brush it off- but now DC is here it does its job of causing guilt and angst. Thanks house for sharing!

YorkieDorkie · 30/08/2016 06:58

No I agree, working mums definitely come into it. I didn't once say anything about separation anxiety in those babies with mums going back to work. I mentioned it specifically about my DD. My DM returned to work when I was 3 months because she had no choice, I didn't exhibit signs of SA. My DD does so I currently choose not to leave her and make it worse. I'm fortunate that I have the choice.

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 07:01

It's not always about working mum's having to work. Women have ambitions too. They have aspirations too. It's okay for aspirational women to weave their maternal identity and their professional identities into a new whole. It's okay for them to return to work fuelled by heir aspirations. It doesn't make them less of a parent or their babies suffer. We really really need to pay close attention as a society on the words we use - as things stand currently the general discourse is "it's best for baby to be with mum till age X but if not and needs must and you must work ah well that's fine too horses for courses". This isn't good enough.

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 07:04

tallulah see how you justified your return to work by saying the wage point? That's my point. Women should not have to feel they need to justify these things but we do on reflex. We nurture our selves our beautiful babies our aspirations and build our families j to complete little entities - all of us whether we are attached to our baby 24/7 or not. It's the constant drip drip drip of right wing ideology that delegates women to the home under the guise of "baby will not cope/suffer without this Happening" that damages many women and their emotional health

purplefizz26 · 30/08/2016 07:12

I honest

purplefizz26 · 30/08/2016 07:17

I honestly don't believe an hour or so apart will do mother or baby any harm. Surely a breather to have hot brew, peace and quiet etc is a good thing.

If grandparents/auntie/uncle/whoever (obviously someone trusted) wants to take the baby for a walk with the stroller or to the park, why not let them?

Obviously an hour or so is very different to a full day/overnight but I don't really see the issue.

My DD was two and a half before I allowed an overnight stay with grandma but from being 6 months old I let her go for walks and to the park etc with no trouble.

She has great bonds with all our close family and absolutely adores them, while still being closest to me.

What do you think people do who have no option but to work?

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 07:19

I honestly don't believe an overnight stay has any harmful effects at all, for my money's worth.

TallulahTheTiger · 30/08/2016 07:21

You are so right House if I said I spent 6 years studying plus constant on the job studying/training and I want to use my skills then the rightwing ideologists would peg me as work crazed autobot who cares more for her job than her child! It's infuriating!

Zippidydoodah · 30/08/2016 07:27

My brother is so henpecked that he doesn't dare say anything about the fact that she doesn't trust him to look after his own son...but that's another issue!

I think it's a ridiculous set up. I also think that mums who else t be separated from their almost two year old for even an hour, need to get a grip. Obviously an unpopular opinion on this thread.

Basicbrown · 30/08/2016 07:29

Mine were around eight months before I left them with dh for even half an hour (ebf)

I am totally by this. He is equally their parent surely....? I get that bf'ing means there are limits but even so.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/08/2016 07:29

It's entirely up to you and don't leave your baby if you don't want to.

Fwiw noone offered to look after my 2 dd when they were babies and my parents wouldn't be alone with her. I was quite hurt by this and would have loved relatives to help me out. I would have appreciated time for my and Dh to do house chores or relax together. They said they would be more comfortable when dd1 was older, but so far they are 2 and 4 and my parents still lack confidence. It's a shame they love spending time with the dd but Dh or I always have to be around.

6 months is so little. Enjoy your lovely baby!

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 07:33

My DH would be very offended if I refused to leave him in sole charge of his baby, tbh. I get why some mothers might find it anxiety-inducing for them to leave a very small baby (after all, we carry them inside us for 10 months and then are very often attached by necessity). However, I am going to make a point of leaving my new baby with her dad regularly, so he has a chance to bond and feels confident parenting her without me. After all, I don't know what is going to happen in the future re. health and our relationship - she needs both of us to be able to cope alone.

JemimaMuddledUp · 30/08/2016 07:38

OP you are very fortunate to be able to take that long off work. Please remember that not everyone is in that position.

I went back to work FT when my eldest was 4.5 months old, because that is what you did in 2002. We didn't have long for maternity leave and I couldn't afford to not work. He doesn't appear to have experienced any adverse effects!

If you don't want to be away from your baby then that is your decision. But I know I was glad that my DC were used to other people when I spent a week in hospital when my youngest was 2. That period would have been much harder if she wasn't happy with Grandma and her childminder.

Original poster

seri0usly · 30/08/2016 07:42

I'm sorry, I hope it didn't come across that I was criticising anyone who chooses to leave their baby. The difference in our situation is that the person pressurising is someone who sees the baby irregularly and has maybe held him for 15 mins less than once a fortnight. I know my baby would be upset at being left as he gets so after being held by said person for a short amount of time as they are fairly unfamiliar.

When grandparents see the baby often for extended periods of time with parents present to then leave the baby with them I'm sure would be fine - I expect the baby wouldn't bat an eyelid having already formed attachments with these people

OP posts:

Houseconfusion · 30/08/2016 07:43

Mine were around eight months before I left them with dh for even half an hour (ebf)

The mind boggle

Oblomov16 · 30/08/2016 07:49

Was it OP who said she had already been referred to by one family member as a Velcro mum?
That's not good. I think anyone who gets called this needs to address their anxiety, because it's not healthy or balanced.

Allthebubbles · 30/08/2016 08:02

Hoping to word this right, as it is such a sensitive subject, but I think there is a difference with regards to attachment between what the OP is discussing and in choosing a childcare setting for your baby in which they are going to spend significant time. In long term childcare they are going to make important secondary attachments with nursery workers/ childminders/ nannies and this will become a known safe place. They are not suddenly put with someone they don't know well for a short time.

motherducker · 30/08/2016 08:06

Yes why wouldn't leave your baby for more than half an hour with your DH?? What on earth would you be worried about?

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