AIBU to not want to leave my 6 month old any time soon?

[seri0usly]

Background - I'm taking 3 years out from working so he won't be attending nursery. He is exclusively breastfed and we've recently started the weaning process. He's my youngest and last child.

AIBU to not want to leave him with relatives that want to have him? I have no reason too and don't want to cause any upset to him just to please other people. AIBU?

Crunchymum children under 3 are best off with mum/ primary caregiver. The gradual growing independence of an infant is different to separation from mum.

shivering I know that the op has said she doesn't want to. And if you read my message, I acknowledge that and do tell op that she isn't unreasonable. I was just giving 2 examples of people who I know. I'm not telling op to ship the baby off for a week. I just think that a quick walk does no harm. Whether or not op does that is up to her. It's her baby. But if she didn't want opinions then she would not have posted.

Tallulah - hopefully they're not - and if they are then they abu. I'm not leaving mine yet but that doesn't make me a better or worse parent than you. We're all just doing what seems best for our families in our own unique circumstances.

Congratulations and enjoy the wedding.

tallulah please please don't feel guilty! Shivering, by saying bold statements like that it can really put pressure on lots of mums. Imagine a mum with severe pnd reading what you're saying? Please be careful how you word things.

YANBU! My little boy is three and from the moment he came home a close family relative was always on about having him on their own and still asks. We have always refused and we have been accused of being over protective and wrapping him up in cotton wool. We have only left him with my parents and two very close family friends - then not for long. I'm constantly being told that it is what happens with close relatives but I have not had their children on my own with my husband and wouldn't expect too. Stick to your guns! Let them take offence.

My youngest was 2.5yrs & eldest was 6.5yrs when I left them alone with someone else who wasn't their dad for the 1st time, with my mum for 3 nights. 6.5yrs seems ages but there was never any need for him to stay over anywhere without us, we don't live nr gp so we'd always be there anyway.

Ok, point taken. I'm sorry.

I think the reason I am being strong is there is so much misinformation out there about child development and attachment.

However of course we are all just doing our best, and of course children need more than one attachment, so Tallulah I'm sure your little one will benefit from the time with your parents.

Apologies again for being so strong, my intention was to bolster the confidence of those wishing to stay with their babies when so often society makes you feel like this is wrong, clingy, or as OP said 'velxro'. My intention was not to criticise those who do it differently, as these parents are also doing what they feel is best for their baby in their circumstances.

My son is 3 in a few months and I've left him a handful of times (maybe 6?) since he was born, mostly only for 3-4 hours max. He's never been overnight without me or DH. When I had baby DD by ELCS he was with my DH and my parents but even then he came into hospital both days to see me.
Honestly, he is the most confident outgoing boy. Everyone told me he'd be clingy to me because he is with me all the time. My MIL took him out for the day a couple of weeks ago and he was happy to go, had an amazing day and was happy to come back! He will be going to nursery for his 15 hours in January and he is very excited. I don't think that being with your child all the time is bad for them or will make them clingy or anything, I think they're either naturally clingy or not.

In the other side, mums who leave their baby or toddler with family quite regularly shouldn't feel guilty or bad - there is no right or wrong for this.

If you are I am too. 10 mo here and I have no intention of letting him spend the night anywhere until I can explain that's what's happening. Yes, my family and probably lots of friends think I'm bonkers and yes its my pfb. But frankly, I don't give a shit!

I'm also with him when we see family regularly and am almost insulted by the constant passive aggressive digs at me not letting him go alone. Again, I don't care! I am sure my grip will ease off- only person I'm not like this with is dh and thankfully he feels the same. We love having our baby around and still do loads together. The constant 'don't you two want a break' is more exhausting!!

I didn't expect to be like this as in my life before the baby I was about as laid back as you can get with most things so it must be hormones? Who knows but until I'm comfortable I'll keep batting away the pa remarks with a smile....

I went back to work when mine was 6m but it's entirely your decision.

Totally up to you, but personally I think it does new parents the world of good to have small breaks from their babies (might only be 40mins or an hour at first), and I think it does dc the world of good to know that there are lots of people that love them and can care for them, and gradually understand that it's OK to leave Mum, it doesn't mean she's gone forever, it just means I'm with this other person for a bit, and then Mum comes back. There are all sorts of reasons you might have to leave a baby with someone, and I think that will be less stressful if they have been left before on various occasions.

Obviously it's ok not to leave your child. Equally though it's fine for those who want to leave themto do that also.
As long as a baby or small child is left in loving capable hands I don't see the issue. This will be done in many cultures.
But it's the parents choice.

I do t think whether you leave them or not determines how confident they are. That's down to personality. I have 4 very different children who have all been treated the same way.

My sil hasn't been apart from my dn AT ALL, ever, and he's 20 months. She still "has to" settle him to sleep at night by breastfeeding. Thoughts? Is it healthy for her to not even trust my brother with his own son?

zippidy if a child is well looked after and loved I can't get worked up over how other people choose to bring up their children, whether that's sending them to grandparents a couple of nights a week from the start or not letting them out of their sight for years.

Why? Because I'm too busy with my own life and I have no idea what's going on behind closed doors. Since you've asked what we think though I'd say presumably your brother is ok with this arrangement? If not I'd say it's down to them to sort out. As for insinuating it's odd for her to settle her dc to sleep through bf I'm not sure what you want people to say? It's not ideal but pretty normal for some people to have to do that

Zippidy I guess if they are happy then it's fine.
Personally it wouldn't have worked for our family but then I had dc2 by the time dc1 was that age so was v grateful for help.

Yanbu OP. I've not been away from ds (10mo) for more than 3 hours. And that only happened once, for the first time, 2 months ago. I planned it so that he would have been fed (solids and boob) before I left (him with my dm) and he would just need a bit of entertaining before he was due a nap (walk in the buggy as I usually feed to sleep for naps and bedtimes). I've got a night away booked in October and I feel sick at the thought of it tbh. I've got friends and family clambering to look after him for me. I just don't want or need them to. I'm a sahm so don't plan on ds going to any kind of childcare before 3. And then it'll only be for socialisation.

Oh FFS.

In my opinion, there is not a lot to worry about either way here. Most babies will be fine if left with another carer for a night from a few months old, and most will be fine if this is delayed until whenever. Just don't take what anyone else says as gospel about this - it's whatever you are comfortable with.

That said, I think some posters don't do other parents any favours by talking about separation anxiety and how their babies 'need' their constant presence until they are 3, 4 or whatever. Not everyone has that luxury and not everyone wants it. Sometimes I think it is more the mothers who are experiencing the anxiety...

I don't recognise my DS here at all. He's 10 months old was breastfed till 9 months. I returned to work at 6 months. His (lovely) childminder and him get on like a house on fire. He gives her the massivest grin when he sees her, lunges towards the other kids, adores the older ones, is absolutely cool and comfy with being held by others or playing with them for ages whether or not I'm in the room, sails smoothly with his dad if I'm out late for work. Even when he was breastfed for 9 plus something months he was very happy to feed and then go play with lots of others.

But this is something we enabled from a young age by introducing him to lots of people and letting him develop mini relationships with them as I knew I'd be back at work and this is something we don't regret. If we had the reverse situation with him not coping things would have been far tougher for him and us.

Some of the statements on this thread especially by shivering are laced so adeptly with judgment that the drip drip drip of sanctimoniousness can't be barely ignored

Trifle is right, do what works for you, and it can certainly be beneficial for babies to have strong relationships with other family members.

Shaky I'm at your comment...

EBF a 7mo who won't take a bottle at all. I'm going on holiday with family tomorrow for a fortnight and I'm already being told "we can take DD all day so you can have a rest".

I keep saying I'm not in need of a rest and I have no desire to have time away from my daughter. If anything, when she goes to bed it'd be nice to have a couple of evenings out while someone babysits (also been offered!) so that's all I'd want really but not for her to be carted off for hours so I can have a break!

The comments about massive delegation anxiety beginning at 6 months (never saw anything except the opposite) and needing mummy all the time especially then serve a specific function of demeaning the countless fab parents who return to work at exactly that time and have fab attachments with their babies who also grow to be lovely sensible sensitive little women and men.

As for supporting the voices of SAHP - well - Jesus Christ - as an ambitious academic, for whom motherhood is intrinsically interwoven with my personal dreams and professional passions - I've found it quite the opposite. "Dumping" DS to childcare "farming him out", not being a full time mummy - laced comments from Sils and fils that are so sexist they don't even see it. Equally similar comments from attachment parents at very opportunity - well we shall see. Perhaps DS does indeed screams his lungs out with his childminder after lunging towards her with a grin or if nothing else will grow into a delinquent with massive dollops of attachment issues and ask me to fuck right off as a teen. Not.

The best thing is that this kind of sanctimonious fuck like "oh childcare at 6 months - he needs you most now' (never to dad always to mum) is ALWAYS follows by this sentence "horses for courses whatever works best for you and your family" thereby presumably deleting all that was said before.

So honestly with rags like the Daily Mail constantly berating women for working and having mass level circulation - we really don't need more and more of sanctimonious rubbish against mothers.

If you were "strong" in your words shivering so can be I.

Yorkie: That's entirely up to you, but I think the comments expressing irritation and upset at people for offering to provide a break (as if they are doing something weird and sinister in 'trying to separate you from your baby') are the targets of the 'FFS'. I might be wrong?