Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2016 12:23

It has been asked puzzled. Not people seem to understand that a very young baby is difficult to leave but an older sibling could happily have a day with grandparents etc.

roasted · 29/08/2016 12:25

Once news gets out that the cousin is bringing a baby to the wedding, the parents who agreed to leave their kids at home will ask for an exception and/or get narked at the inequality. It's not worth it.

The cousin is unreasonable to ask. If he and his wife don't feel comfortable leaving the new baby (and no one would blame them), they should graciously decline.

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2016 12:26

I don't think that's necessarily true roasted. Most people seem to understand the babes in arms exception.

MargaretCavendish · 29/08/2016 12:27

Another thing for bride and groom to consider - how far away do the cousin and family have to travel? I think there's a not insubstantial chance they'll decide sooner to the time that they don't actually want to come to the wedding with a 2-3 month old, potentially leaving the couple paying for their uneaten meals.

MrsHam13 · 29/08/2016 12:32

Iv been to lots of child free weddings and there's always been a newborn..

You can't expect people to go if they have a new born that's not allowed. I'd personally not go if I were the couple. Howeve, if I were the Bride and Groom a newborn wouldn't bother me being there. Doesn't cost anything. Or run amok and will mostly sleep. I'd just ask in advance that if the baby is restless during ceremony or speaches/meal can they leave the room.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 29/08/2016 12:32

Both being a bit unreasonable- family being rude to apply any pressure whatsoever but when you say that your friend wants "cousin and his wife" to be there they need to realise that it isn't going to happen unless the little baby can come too.

MrsHam13 · 29/08/2016 12:35

Iv just realised the baby is due December and the weddings in March. No that changes my precious comment then. I thought it was newborn.

I went to a wedding when my son was three months old and breastfed. I wouldn't of dreamt of asking to bring him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2016 12:42

people seem to understand that a very young baby is difficult to leave but an older sibling could happily have a day with grandparents etc

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But then so often we hear "I couldn't leave them with anyone else since they were all at the wedding"

I guess in the end it's a case of "know your guests" - which also works for appreciating who's likely to control their children (or not)

TaterTots · 29/08/2016 12:43

Boiling - the attitude that pregnancy makes you more important than anyone and everyone else is utterly selfish.

I don't think either the bride and groom or the cousins are being unreasonable. Bride and groom have said no children (and are probably worrying about upsetting others if they make an exception). Cousins are understandably worried about leaving the baby. The only people being unreasonable are the rest of the family for sticking their collective oars in.

What counts now is how everyone reacts once the final decision is made. If the bride and groom dig their heels in and say 'No kids', the cousins either have to find a babysitter or not go. It is THEIR choice and they can't get huffy. Similarly, if their decision is no, the bride and groom can't get annoyed - they chose child-free and have to accept that may mean some no-shows.

Personally I'd make an exception for my cousin. I'd rather have them there and handle one baby than not have them there. If others complain they had to leave their kids at home, frankly it's tough titty - it's my wedding, not theirs. But then I'm belligerent like that Grin

MargaretCavendish · 29/08/2016 12:54

I think part of the problem here is that people have very different conceptions of how close a relationship 'cousin' is. I only invited two of my eight cousins to my wedding, the rest are pretty much strangers to me. Some people consider cousins as near-siblings, though. If they're so close that it will be a big blow to not have them attend then that's different.

mummytime · 29/08/2016 13:00

I think people should butt out a bit.
Bride and Groom need to decide which they want more: this cousin going to the wedding or having it child free.
The biggest complication would be if a relative even closer than this cousin was/got pregnant. As once a decision had been made...

A relative of mine had his MIL trying to persuade him not to invite one of his best friends...

Oysterbabe · 29/08/2016 13:18

Babies in arms have been allowed at every child free wedding I've been to.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/08/2016 13:39

What age does 'babe in arms' apply to - newborn 3/4mths 8/9mtha under a year?

BG has 3 choices.

Have cousin and baby there
No cousin and no baby

Or the 3rd choice no one has mentioned and I say this as I do this a a lot as a qualified nanny and maternity nurse

Cousin and baby attends and leaves baby in hotel room near/at where venue is and mum goes up to feed as and when

No baby at wedding and mum can feed and all can relax as close by

Enidblyton1 · 29/08/2016 13:48

It's really very simple.
The bride and groom can choose whether or not they want any children to attend. So either....

  1. Keep to the no child policy completely and accept that the cousin probably won't be able to come.
  2. Decide to allow babes in arms so that cousin can come. Ring around other friends with tiny babies (you said there weren't very many anyway) and explain that babes in arms are welcome.

Just decide on your policy asap and calmly tell relevant people.

LollyMcLolface · 29/08/2016 13:59

It is up to the b+g of course, but I do think it's a shame not to invite the cousin and their baby. I know we have no idea of the family dynamics but in our case our extended families love any opportunity to see baby DD and would be quite sad not to see her at a family event. 3 months was just around the time I felt up to bigger events and I would have found it a bit stressful with a baby but would also have relished the chance to see family in one big go and then have a few precious weekends of solitude as a little family! I know it isn't about the cousin and it isn't her wedding but I find it odd that the b+g wouldn't want to see her and their new niece/nephew.

Leviticus · 29/08/2016 14:20

I had child free but babies who didn't need a seat were fine. Nobody fell out with me over it.

My friend had no kids. When it turned out I couldn't get my BF 5mo to take a bottle I asked if I could take him (it was a couple of hundred miles away). She said no as it would be unfair to her other friends who couldn't bring theirs. I didn't go. We're still friends.

trufflesnout · 29/08/2016 14:47

Why is the UK such an increasingly child intolerant place? So different in other cultures.

Because those other cultures treat the discipline and teaching of children by strangers/family very differently to British culture.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2016 14:58

Very well said, truffle

I spend a lot of time in France and constantly see the "it takes a village to raise a child" thing in action, with folk perfectly ready to correct someone else's misbehaving child, etc.

Try that in the UK and watch what happens ... Hmm

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 29/08/2016 14:58

Babies are children.
Children are not being invited.
Parents should accept this.

missbishi · 29/08/2016 15:05

Cousin and family ABU. Putting pressure on OP's friend to change their wedding to suit them. Their wishes are being completely ignored.

Sometimes you can't go to stuff when you have kids, that's life.

MargaretCavendish · 29/08/2016 15:18

I know it isn't about the cousin and it isn't her wedding

Do you? Because you've just posted about how great/convenient it'll be for the parents to have everyone fuss around their baby, even though the bride and groom don't want children there. Again, this is very much changing to dynamic of the event. It also won't be the bride's niece/nephew, it's their cousin's baby. Again, what this means very much depends on your family dynamic: for me 'cousin's baby' is a very distant relationship.

Mojito6 · 29/08/2016 15:32

My friends are having a child free wedding, I have a young baby, classed as a babe in arms. I'm going dh is not,if the couple want child free you work to it, it's their wedding,in this instance perhaps the cousin goes and the wife stays at home or in the hotel and Goes for the evening part of the reception whilst cousin looks after the baby?

LollyMcLolface · 29/08/2016 16:36

Margaret- fwiw I am getting married soon and there will be 3 newborns there. It wouldn't have occurred to us to have a child-free wedding as that would mean some friends and family couldn't come and we would rather they were there. I am also invited to a child free wedding soon and will probably not be able to go as DD won't be left with anyone but is 1 and toddling, so past the 'babes in arms' stage. It wouldn't bother me to learn that babes in arms were allowed to go but DD wasn't, because I understand that a newborn physically needs to be with its mum if it is breastfed whereas my breastfed 1 year old should in theory be old enough to go to a babysitter and can go without breastmilk, which an ebf newborn can't.

So as I imagine that most people would understand that babes in arms are a fair exception to a "no children" policy, I question why someone would still rather stick to a rule that means the cousin can't attend. And as I said, I remember having a baby that young and personally I found the number of visitors in the first few months overwhelming so was just it's possible that guests with newborns will be happy to have a pre-arranged family get-together where lots of people can see the baby. But then I'm not in the "it's all about the bride" camp.

LollyMcLolface · 29/08/2016 16:39

That's not me saying the wedding should be about the cousin! I'm so inarticulate today. I am just curious as I know my extended family, like the OPs family, would also be disappointed if we chose not to invite newborns as they too would all want to see the babies! And so do I!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/08/2016 16:42

And some families aren't that bothered about seeing the baby at the wedding. Some families aren't actually that child centric.
I'm sure if the cousin wants a wedding with lots of little babies she is perfectly welcome. But the bride and groom have probably paid a lot to celebrate their marriage and she may need to have to realise it's not about her and her reproductive choices.