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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know a rough time of when exdp is returning the children?

57 replies

Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 16:46

He's taken them away for the weekend - lovely. They having a nice time, everyone's happy.

I am now driving them all around the bend it seems by asking 7 times 'when will you be back tomorrow?'. No one knows.

Shall I just sit indoors looking out of the window all day, or only go out in a 5 mile radius so I am not too far from home when they return and no one is sitting on the doorstep?
Plan for dinner? Lunch? I have on a few occasions been returned 2 kids at 6pm who are hungry and then I have had to do an emergency freezer surprise dinner.

I know exdp and he is very organised and always plans things out. I am sure he has planned what time to leave but either finds it amusing not to tell me, or doesn't think it matters.

(Lighthearted annoying man complaint)

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PuntasticUsername · 28/08/2016 16:51

I would stop asking him his plans, and instead tell him yours. "I don't mind what time you bring the DC back tomorrow, but please bear in mind that I will be out for the day, back at 4pm. I will also need to know in advance if they need dinner, so please make sure you either feed them or let me know by 4.30pm if you want me to make them food. Thanks".

BillSykesDog · 28/08/2016 16:51

Um, maybe he will be able to give you a better idea in the morning? It's not a big deal, I can kind of understand why he's a bit pissed off to be honest.

Lilacpink40 · 28/08/2016 16:51

My STBXH says he'll pick up at time x and arrives at time x or 10min later. Says he'll drob back at time x, which means x and up to an hour later.

It's annoying, but how many battles do I want to fight none as I don’t have to live with him anymore?

Yours sounds worse. I'd go out for the day.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 16:58

I think it's more just courtesy really.
It's not very courteous to not involve me in the drop off time. we get in fine apart from this, which he always always does and it always drives me mad.

I don't have a partner and it's things like this which put me off meeting someone new, if things like this are unpredictable then it puts pressure on me or that is how it feels. I could want a man over, then he might have to climb out the window if the kids arrive home unexpectedly Wink

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T0ddlerSlave · 28/08/2016 17:00

I'd tell them you're out til after lunch and not to drop them back til 2 or later.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/08/2016 17:00

^^ what Pun said

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2016 17:01

It's very disrespectful and I think you need to tell him this.

If I were you I would do whatever you wanted tomorrow and send him one more text saying, "I'll be home from 5pm onwards" and leave it at that.

He has his own life when he doesn't have the children. You don't do this to him - nobody does it to him. He's got a bloody cheek to be so disrespectful of your free time.

OrsonWellsHat · 28/08/2016 17:02

Go out and ask him to text you when he leaves.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 17:03

I will tell him this in a text.
I think he has this confused with something else. I have never dictated times or anything at all, he just thinks I am unimportant. I don't go out much socially so he will assume I have nothing better to do than be indoors

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Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 17:06

I will add in there for anyone who thinks that I am in any way unfair or controlling that I did all the packing and will do all of the washing of all of the kids stuff as he has none of his own at his house Grin

I'm nice. TOO NICE

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debbs77 · 28/08/2016 17:12

That's annoying.

I recently asked my ex what time he would be round the next day. He said "before lunch".

So I replied with it being a huge time difference from waking up to lunch time.

His reply was that he would "be there when I am".

I told him that I'd be out if he couldn't be bothered to tell me a time.

He is emotionally abusive. Still continues even though we aren't together any more

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 17:15

It is annoying I am glad you feel my annoyance too!

I have been the master of just not rising to anything he has ever done but this drives me mad. He also does it to the kids sometimes. Last holiday they were texting ME asking when they were coming home as he wouldn't give them a time frame either!

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ChicRock · 28/08/2016 17:19

I'd do what Pun suggested only my text would be more along the lines of... "I'm out tomorrow, back at 4pm earliest. Please give the children their tea before you drop them home".

gamerchick · 28/08/2016 17:24

It's a control thing my ex is the same. He liked me waiting for him all the way through our relationship. Even in the supermarket with a pram and trolley if we had forgot something instead of taking the buggy with him so I could carry on he would leave me standing with both so I couldn't go anywhere.

You have to stop this getting to you, tell him you'll be in at X time so drop off after that even if you're not going out. Make a meal anyway and if they've been fed wrap it up and give it the next day.

Cut that cord and nothing he does will irritate you.

Natsku · 28/08/2016 17:36

This is why I always insist on set times in mine and my ex's visitation arrangements as he always did the same, and even more annoying, sometimes would say he's coming at such-and-such time then near the time he'd call and say he's delayed for such-and-such a time and then near that time he'd call and say its too late and he'll come tomorrow instead and so on and so forth. Fucking annoying and I won't put up with that ever again.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2016 17:47

You've texted seven times to ask about what time they'll be back tomorrow? Sorry but I would be pissed off by 7 texts too.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2016 18:21

But if he'd answered the first time she wouldn't have needed to ask again!

Next time he takes them anywhere, arrange with him when he'll bring them back.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2016 18:24

Now anyone who reads the relationship board will no I am no man apologist at all but really? Control?

Do what's the worst that can happen? The kids have a beige freezer tea. They are off having a lovely time with their parent who, as far as we know, is not abusive.

If my ex was hassling me like this I would not be impressed. Then again, if we need to have the kids back for any particular reason (apart from just wanting to know for the sake of it) we communicate that beforehand.

You need the unclench op

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 18:27

I didn't text him 7 times sorry I should have elaborated.

I asked when I last saw him, last weekend 'what are pick up and drop off times for weekend?' He did not know. This was not very helpful in terms of what time I needed to get kids ready. He text my DD the evening before to tell her the time, not me. She's a teen but I am the actual parent, but anyway.
So then I asked him again when he collected them to take them.
Then I text him once today. He doesn't know.
So I asked each child on text once and they didn't know either. Was in conversation 'are you having fun'

So five times, not seven. Was exaggerating Blush

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Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 18:33

I just feel like I am hanging around, my really knowing what the plan is. He can bring them back at midnight if he chooses to, but fact is I have no idea what time of the day even vaguely it will be.

Am happy he's taken them away, he's not abusive but the crappy communication - of his own choice is irritating.
I don't ask ANYTHING extra from him, no babysitting, no school runs, no sick days, no extra money for anything.

I do 90% all child related caring he has contact once a week, this extra weekend is a yearly event I wasn't sure it was unreasonable to know vaguely what time they plan on coming back so that I can have a tiny bit of a life myself.

lol at me feeling defensive. I just don't get why it's ok, I wouldn't do it to him on at all.

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Assam · 28/08/2016 18:33

I got properly fed up with this too - especially bad is when you're waiting & waiting for them to be collected dc getting more & more bored Angry
I just decided to take away the power & drop them off/pick up myself . Means a lot more driving but I don't care

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 18:34

Also No I don't think it's ok for me to have to panic cook at very short notice, if all it takes is a text I can prepare

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BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2016 19:25

No need to panic cook. Just pop to the choppy or put something in the oven.

Look I know it's stressed you out and yes I think it's reasonable to want to know a vague eta

But no need to hang around (if one of them is a teen and they get back and you're not there immediately it's no biggie, they can wait for you) and if they eat a beige tea, again no biggie. It won't hurt.

I think you've made this stressful for yourself to be honest.

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/08/2016 19:31

If they're teens, can't they let themselves in and sort their own tea? Just make sure there's a couple of pizzas or some chips or bread and baked beans in the house.

No need to cook a whole meal or plan your day around teenagers, surely?

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 19:36

They didn't take a key

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