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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know a rough time of when exdp is returning the children?

57 replies

Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 16:46

He's taken them away for the weekend - lovely. They having a nice time, everyone's happy.

I am now driving them all around the bend it seems by asking 7 times 'when will you be back tomorrow?'. No one knows.

Shall I just sit indoors looking out of the window all day, or only go out in a 5 mile radius so I am not too far from home when they return and no one is sitting on the doorstep?
Plan for dinner? Lunch? I have on a few occasions been returned 2 kids at 6pm who are hungry and then I have had to do an emergency freezer surprise dinner.

I know exdp and he is very organised and always plans things out. I am sure he has planned what time to leave but either finds it amusing not to tell me, or doesn't think it matters.

(Lighthearted annoying man complaint)

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 28/08/2016 19:44

I think you've made this stressful for yourself

You and me both then OP, I find it really really annoying, inconsiderate and disrespectful.
I would text and say I have made plans now so won't be back til 6, can you make sure they've had something to eat. Hope you're having a great time!
Don't let him do it to you. It's like you say they think you have nothing better to do then wait around to pick up the child care,and it's a way of ensuring you don't. Like you say it's already put you off meeting someone else. I bet that suits him too.

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/08/2016 19:44

Ask them to ring when they're on the way back?

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2016 19:45

Well you need to get that organised don't you. It up a key safe or make sure they have a key and save yourself all this angst

hownottofuckup · 28/08/2016 19:54

Or maybe their father should act like an adult and treat OP like one too.
If my DC had been away all weekend I'd want to be home when they got back.
I can't imagine this being ok in any other situation tbh. If it was GP's, friends anyone I'd expect them to give me the courtesy of letting me know when they were dropping the DC back.
You probably would be better asking the DC to text you when they're setting off though OP then speaking to him about it.

BombadierFritz · 28/08/2016 20:04

just give them a key or organise a key safe. surely teens can sort themselves out or the teen can sort out a younger sibling? I thought you must have younger kids.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 21:07

They have keys, but why should they have to take them on holiday?? PMSL.

If a friend or your mum took your child out for the day and didn't bother to tell you when they would be back, is that considerate? I've seen loads of posts on here about people who have left kids with friends then gone off for hours and not told them when they are coming back and you are left wondering - it's inconsiderate and politeness to inform someone, who is directly affected about your intended plans? Or when a DH fucks off to the pub for 7 hours and you have no idea when he will return. Perhaps plane and train companies should just do away with timetables altogether and you just turn up at the terminal when you feel like it and get on a random plane? Or am I just very controlling Confused

I don't want to not be home, I don't want to hold someone to random with a demand of 'I'm out - tough shit' I would just like 'we will be back early evening' and then i have some kind of timescale and I can go do whatever I like, come home, cook tea if I need to.

I will ask the kids to text me when they leave, on their way back. But that could be 9am, so I haven't made ANY plans, just in case!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 28/08/2016 21:11

sorry OP but you are coming across as a total martyr.

They should have had their keys with them so you didn't have to worry about what time they would be back.

As they don't, I would just text saying I will be out between these times and DC don't have keys.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2016 21:15

She's not a bloody martyr! She just wants to be treated with respect.

hownottofuckup · 28/08/2016 21:21

Martyr? For wanting to know in advance the DC will be back so you can be home to see them?
See to me that isn't martyrish at all, but putting up with behaviour that you find shitty and disrespectful is.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 21:26

I think we will have agree to disagree. I like to know plans, whether that makes me a martyr so be it. He has made plans and chosen to exclude me from them. Also his choice. Fundamentally I am the only person who is flapping about it doesn't affect anyone else, I don't think my feelings on the matter are invalid just because I 'should have' done X y and z. They did not take a key because he arrived very early in the morning and then still didn't give me any kind of idea of a return time, by which time they were setting off and now, a few days later I realise I didn't give them a key (which doesn't help me now).

OP posts:
J0kersSmile · 28/08/2016 21:27

It's all about him being in control.

He feels he is entitled to do what he likes even if it adversely effects you. He could of said I don't want to be stuck with a time to be back by but I'll text you when I know what sort of time we'll be back. He didn't he's an arse.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 21:29

I haven't made plans with anyone as I don't want to let them down too. I don't think that would be very fair on anyone else.

It's bank holiday Monday, yes I do feel a bit pissy that I won't be out doing something interesting. I shall go do some food shopping (in manner of a martyr) and hang about the house doing mum things and waiting for them (I miss them, like to see them when they return. My social life is not more important. But exdp totally disregarding it fucks me off)

OP posts:
RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 28/08/2016 21:30

It just sounds like your ex thinks that you have nothing better to do so why wouldn't you be just sat around waiting for the kids to return.
Like it's been said before, text him in the morning & tell him your plans don't ask him for his!

DownTownAbbey · 28/08/2016 21:31

I totally get it OP. Even if I'm happy to be in I'm all twitchy if I'm expecting a delivery or a visitor. I don't think getting them tea is an issue (although if you're already pissed off I can see how it's become one). I bet he'd be annoyed if you wouldn't give him a time or even 'we're leaving after lunch ' or something. Very rude and disrespectful! Do as pp suggested and inform him that you're unavailable until whatever time suits you just so you can relax a bit.

happypoobum · 28/08/2016 21:31

I don't doubt he is an arse.

I suspect if you didn't text 5/7 times asking what time they would be back, and acted like you had your own plans and weren't bothered, he would not do this.

wannabestressfree · 28/08/2016 21:42

I am in the same boat and you are definitely not a martyr. Ex wank
Chops also refuses to set up a direct debit for maintenance and will pay it at 11.58pm as 'it's still the first'. He is a control freak and I am pissed off with it too...
I blame my anxiety on him as I am always waiting for the 'be home in ten minutes' text and he has ignored nine messages over the holidays about uniform....
But if I ever refuse to swap a day I am unreasonable and he runs me down....
Grrrrrr

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 21:54

I have a list of things that probably make me into a massive whiner too but this is the one that drives me crazy. I think it's a special club, right? That over the years drives you slowly mad.

Mine won't do DD either and for years did it on bloody phone banking, on his lunch break so I might go to the cash point in the morning - no money. It might be there later in the day. So couldn't rely on the timing of it - being there in the AM like a DD would be. Finally he set up a standing order because he pays weekly and surely doing phone bank EVERY WEEK would drive yourself mad?!!!

He has also very sneakily got rid of all the DC's clothes and toys from his house into mine - never washes any clothes anymore, sends them home with carrier bags of teddies and games (less now they are older) so that my house was just full of the crap and his wasn't

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 28/08/2016 22:04

My ex has very sneakily got rid of the DC's bedrooms at (our former family home) 'his' house so he can rent out the rooms, despite claiming he has them 2-3 nights so he can massively reduce the CM payments (yea 2-3 nights a week it should be not 2-3 nights in the years since we seperated!).
He'll get a shock when the house is sold and he realises that legally it's still 50% mine.
I don't think people get it when they haven't experienced it for themselves.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/08/2016 22:19

ok, so he will not tell you when they are back. make him take the consequences. go out. if he trieds to drop them early then he will not be able to. he will be inconvenieced. sod not making plans. make them. you are entitled to enjoy your life too.

if he has to suffer the consequences for his failure to communicate then tough shit.

same with collecting. he tells you a time. if he is not there take the kids out and carry on with your plans. if he has to hang around for them he may learn that communicating might be less inconvenient for him.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/08/2016 10:28

Fwiw I totally agree that he should tell you a rough idea of when they are back.

What I thought was silly was you hanging around, waiting to cook a special tea and not doing what you want.

If you'd just got on with it, gone out or something, then that takes all the power away from him. Instead you did exactly what he probably hoped you would ie ruined your own day

They aren't babies. They won't explode of they have to wait 20 minutes for you to get home and pizza for tea won't kill them.

And they should always have their keys with them. It should be an automatic habit. Though, trust me on this, a key safe is your friend with teenagers and their flaky memories Grin

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 29/08/2016 10:49

They coming home this morning. As in, very shortly. So I might be able to plan something with them today and it not be an entire waste. I'm glad I didn't plan with a friend then cancel or delay it.

Further info: he does not live near me, and dropping off at my house would seem to him out of his way. He would be pissed off if I wasn't home and make a big deal over it. As would my teens really if I just left them outside the house, so no I don't really want to do that, seems a bit spiteful?? My social life is not more important than being there for my children. The children aren't the issue and nothing is their fault here so I am not punishing them for their dad not bothering to tell me what time of day he was bringing them back or forgetting their keys.

No they won't explode, sorry if I gave the impression that that could happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 29/08/2016 10:52

Re teens and food... Have you seen a hungry teen before? It's like they might eat your arm off. The 30 mins it takes to cook it, order it, walk to the chippy seems like a forever lifetime.
I am just organised, and plan things like 'when to eat food and what to cook' although I had no special plans for a banquet or such like to welcome their return

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 29/08/2016 10:56

Next year organise your bank holiday weekend and make sure they have their own keys. So if you're in fine but if you're not fine too I'm sure the teenager with be able to manage for a short while if necessary.
Then when they go off just say I'm going out on Monday so if I'm not in they can let themselves in.

PepsiPenguin · 29/08/2016 11:05

I'm a big planner, my DP is not! He drives me round the bend and I'm in love and live with him! This would drive me nuts, it's not difficult to say I will be back at 11.30ish/6pm ish.

Bet he would hate it if you said I will drop off at some point...

sleepyMe12 · 29/08/2016 11:08

Why are you waiting around for them to turn up?
He and your teens would be pissed off if you was out?! Tough shit!

They would soon learn to either answer your reasonable request to know when they are home or learn to take their keys with them.

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