To get married in a church, even if I'm not religious?

[WoolSkye]

I'm technically Christian, but I'm not actually religious. My dad is buried at a certain church, I'd love to get married there, as he obviously isn't here to walk me down the isle. I'm just wondering if it's unreasonable?

I just want to clarify my post which can read as meaning many Christians view Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and Shintoists as having no real faith. It's not what I meant to say, and I can't speak for others anyway.

I meant that many people, whatever creed/religion/faith/group, participate in the customs and rituals without really believing, as demonstrated here, and there is move in some parts of Christianity to reject the term 'religious', which is usually meant in a complimentary way by those who use it.

I find it a bit odd that people get cross about non-believers getting married in church when vicars largely seem perfectly happy for it to happen.

A church is often part of some people's cultural background and local community, whether they are Christian or not. As long as we remain a Christian country there are lots of things in normal life which are tied up with that, particularly things connected with birth, marriage and death and major festivals.
Nobody minds people going to carol services if they aren't believers. Most people wouldn't object to a funeral for a non-believer at a church. If no non-Christians attended any of these things, churches would be emptier (and poorer) places than they are now.

I got married in a church because it was the place in my parents' village (my home until I left home) where people get married. The bits of my vows relating to god were unimportant to me but my vows to dh were not. I'm not bothered by having made vows before god as an atheist because god doesn't exist.

God will welcome anyone into church with open arms so it's fine.

But you will be getting married by saying things you don't believe in. So part of your vows you won't agree with. Whilst being close to where your Dad's ashes are is clearly special to you, the most important part would be a little false.

Just be honest with the vicar/ priest and go from there. I was brought up Catholic but no longer practice, but my church has a lot of memories for me. I occasionally tag along to mass with my parents at the big occasions (easter/ Christmas) and when we went to see the priest he knew this fine well, and didn't have a problem with marrying us at all. (Even with my brought up Catholic, now completely non believer husband)

DH and I recently got married in church. We live in the parish of the church. Both of us have been married before and been divorced. We went along to see the vicar (who we both know, me more than DH as his middle son is in the same year at school as my DS and they are friendly with each other) and he said he was happy to marry us.

DH is atheist. I believe in God although I don't attend church regularly. I'm not sure whether the vicar definitely knew DH was atheist as he never asked directly but I think he probably knew.

Our reasons for getting married in a church were (in no particular order)

• I could sing hymns. Hymns help me celebrate and this was a celebratory day
• we knew and respected the vicar. The service felt more personal to us having someone we knew conducting the service. Plus he has an excellent dry sense of humour
• we were having the reception in our garden. Church was nice and nearby
• we met with the vicar on three occasions before the wedding. We discussed the fact DH and I had both been married before and didn't just gloss over it.

Our guests seemed to enjoy the service including those who didn't believe in God.

My mum and dad got married in church 44 years ago and my dad is atheist. They seem to be going strong still

So OP I think you getting married in the church where your dad is buried is completely fine and hope you have a wonderful day

I think of it as a bit similar to my dc going to their lovely CE primary school. It's our local school and it's part of the community. It provides a service which is an important part of their lives by giving them an education. But there are parts of being at that school which involve prayers, Christian festivals etc.

Could I choose to send them to a non-religious school further away? Yes. Do I want to? No. Neither they or I care that they sometimes take part in Christian things. We regard it as something some other people believe in but we don't. But being involved with it doesn't harm anyone.

It's up to you. I personally couldn't do it as it would be against my moral beliefs. I myself would feel like a huge hypocrite. This is also why my son isn't Christened. It comes down to what you can and can't live with.

If you want to get married in a church in England and Wales and you either live in the parish or have a qualifying connection to the parish or are a regular worshipper in the parish then you can. The basic fee which is for the service and not for flowers, choir or organist it is a bit over £400 from memory. I love doing weddings but don't get many as people round here tend to go for all inclusive packages. The last couple I spoke to said the cost was about the same as the registry office.

As as been said up thread a couple make their vows to each other and not to God. I've talked to a lot of couples who want to get married in church and it is often about a family connection and this is fine.

From this vicar's perspective the OP is not Being unreasonable and the only issue might be the qualifying connection if you don't live in the parish but talk to the vicar and he will be able to talk you through it.

If course you can, it's a free country! Every wedding I've been to has been in a church and none of my friends are terribly religious. It's more a cultural than religious thing for some.

You do sound very spiritual in your words about your Dad. I have a friend who is a retired C of E vicar, and asked him once about marrying a non believer in the church. His reply was " they might not believe but I do and their wedding day just might be the time they start their own journey to faith"

I may be wrong, but I get the sense that most of the YABU crowd are atheists, not Christians.

Anyway, as a card-carrying, regular church-going member of the CofE, I think you getting married in a church that has great meaning for you is a great idea. Vicars generally can be very flexible and accomodating - just be honest with them.

And have a wonderful day!

You sound as if you're 'spiritual' even if you don't believe in a god!

I don't believe in an interventionist God, but I go to mass each week and try and figure it all out.

However, I didn't get married to my DH in a church, even though we both go to mass. I really regret it and wish we did.

No one would judge you for wanting to have your dad 'there', I think it is a great reason.

Sorry but YABU. You are making solemn promises to a God you don't believe in. Many priests I Know would not be happy about that. And quite rightly.

*before a God, not too one.

Congo, I am a practicing Catholic with a beautiful church that does loads of weddings. It's really irritating when we do weddings that neither party has any idea about what is going on.

cingolimama That's because the religious posters sound slightly evangelical, as in if you get married in church, you might come back to the church. That is why most priests will happily marry people and Baptise children because it keeps the link alive. Fair enough, thats what religion is.

I can see why people get upset about people wanting the church to be a pretty backdrop for their major life events. It doesn't worry me, most priests are capable of saying no if asked to do something which goes against their conscience and it's their job to decide that stuff, not mine.

In the Catholic Church there are sort of levels of service anyway. For our wedding we got the full bells-and-whistles deal with three priests, a canon and a bishop, because we were both baptised and both Catholic. My friend got a shorter service and slightly fewer bells and whistles because her husband had not been baptised. It's priest stuff, let them deal with it.

I've heard it described as the Church being like a club, and if you want the full use of the clubhouse, you pay your subs and you attend the meetings, but I'd hope that most people were more compassionate than that. The C of E is outside of my experience really though and I'm not sure how that works with it being more part of the infrastructure of the government/country (probably badly chosen words, but it is more part of The Establishment than say, the Baptist, Catholic of Methodist churches).

Personally I couldn't / didn't have a religious wedding ceremony when I am not religious, but it's between you and the vicar and your conscience, and you won't be the first or last to do it. And at least your reason is more substantive than it looking nice in the photos

Velvetdarkness - in what sense is being Christened 'not even biblical'?! What about John the Baptist baptising Jesus? Don't think I imagined that bit, did I?

OP, as other people have explained, being 'technically' a Christian doesn't mean anything. The question is whether or not you believe in God and the teachings of Christ and his Church. I totally understand your reasons for wanting to marry at this Church and, if the vicar's happy, I'd say go for it. It does involve making vows which you don't believe in so be sure you're comfortable with that. The vicar would be the best person to discuss all of this with.

in what sense is being Christened 'not even biblical'?! What about John the Baptist baptising Jesus? Don't think I imagined that bit, did I?

I suspect velvet was meaning the command is "repent (ie decide to follow Jesus) and be baptised". Babies can't make this choice so christening (ie baptising) them doesn't make a lot of sense. In my church most parents opt for a service of thanksgiving for their safe arrival.

This isn't an issue where all Christians agree.

I got married in church although I'm not religious but Dh felt we needed to have a religious ceremony or he wouldn't feel married.I think living with me has changed him and if we were getting married now we'd go somewhere else.

Yes purple that is what I meant. Christening babies isn't biblical, baptising adults is

My church doesn't christen and we won't marry non believers either. But we are not CofE.

You can get married in a CofE church to which you or your HTB have a qualifying connection.im a regular at our CofE andthe read out the Banns for 2-3 couples a week and 99% we don't see before or after. So long as you plan to live you married life in accordance with the vows you give to each other there's no problem. Church is open to EVERYONE regardless of whatever their belief, it is not an exclusive club. I think it is lovely to want tone near your dad. And I'm sure wherever you marry he will be there in your heart walking his little girl down the aisle. Hope you have a fantastic wedding and every future happiness with your HTB