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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get married in a church, even if I'm not religious?

123 replies

WoolSkye · 27/08/2016 20:08

I'm technically Christian, but I'm not actually religious. My dad is buried at a certain church, I'd love to get married there, as he obviously isn't here to walk me down the isle. I'm just wondering if it's unreasonable?

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 27/08/2016 21:16

Personally, I think that starting your married life with a lie is a really bad idea. There must be other ways to include your Dad - maybe have the ceremony and then stop at the church to lay your bouquet at his grave before you head to the reception.

Yika · 27/08/2016 21:16

The church is there to serve the community, not just practising churchgoers. It's an open house, people are welcome in church services whether or not they believe, and you can perfectly well get married in church without believing. In your circumstances I think it is more than justified.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 21:16

op is your fiancé an atheist as well? What does he think about getting married in a church? I know it was a deal breaker for my friend's husband but important to her so they compromised on a civil ceremony with a blessing in a chapel on site.

olives106 · 27/08/2016 21:17

Personally I think that wanting to get married where your Dad is buried is a deeply Christian request. It's the thing that separated out the Christians from everyone else in the earliest days of the church: they worshipped surrounded by the buried remains of their dead, because they believed (and believe) the Church consists of all Christians, those gone before as well as those still alive now. Many other cultures considered death disgusting and took corpses outside the walls, it was Christians who honoured the remains of their loved ones and marked and held ceremonies at their graves.

CannotEvenDeal · 27/08/2016 21:17

I don't understand the point of the thread tbh.

The vicar knows the OP's beliefs already so she doesn't need to lie to get the church wedding.

Original poster

WoolSkye · 27/08/2016 21:20

The thread is because I just don't know if everyone would think I was an awful person (I don't want that)...

My DP isn't fussed, he would get married anywhere. He would actually pick a resort in Spain though that's where we would go, if we ended up not doing the church.

OP posts:

olives106 · 27/08/2016 21:21

There's an awful lot of terrible people out there if marrying in church without being a confirmed believer makes you one :)

olives106 · 27/08/2016 21:22

Also, to be quite cynical, churches make quite a lot of money out of weddings these days, it's pretty expensive, so they're keen to do them

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 21:25

The thread is because I just don't know if everyone would think I was an awful person (I don't want that)...

The vast majority of people won't think you're unreasonable for getting married in a church when you don't believe. Its traditional and the buildings are usually nice, and you've got the added connection of your dad being buried there.

I can't imagine anyone will think you're an awful person-they just might not agree with your choice. One of my sisters got married in a church and I'd rather she hadn't because she doesn't believe in God, but it was a lovely day and it was her and her husband's decision to make not mine. I have much less of a negative view of non Christians getting married in church than them getting their children christened.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 21:26

Also, to be quite cynical, churches make quite a lot of money out of weddings these days, it's pretty expensive, so they're keen to do them

Our church marries committed members of the congregation for free.

CannotEvenDeal · 27/08/2016 21:28

I suppose what people think depends on how vocal you are about your beliefs...

If you have been very open about not believing in God then rightly or wrongly it might be a source of gossip/chit chat.

I'm NOT saying that that is ok, I'm just being honest.

olives106 · 27/08/2016 21:29

Our church marries committed members of the congregation for free.

if that's the CofE they really shouldn't - if the Bishop finds out they'll be in trouble! The fees are supposed to go straight to the Diocese

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 21:33

Ooh, I didn't know that olives. I assumed the vicar had discretion over the fees.

olives106 · 27/08/2016 21:35

Maybe the church pays the fees to the Diocese? Or s/he makes a case to them for waiving the fees, though I think technically this is supposed to be done only on the grounds that the couple really can't afford it, rather than that they're committed churchgoers.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 21:37

Maybe the church pays the fees to the Diocese?

You're right, that's it. I remember now (it was eight years ago)! It's the church's gift to the couple getting married.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/08/2016 21:53

Sorry, another YABU vote.

I am a lapsed baptised Catholic, probably could get married in a RC church still. But I wouldn't do it of course because I'm a raging agnostic and would consider it hypocritical and disrespectful of other people's beliefs.

I would be at anyone who married in a church but wasn't a regular attendee. However, someone who doesn't even believe in God (!) having a religious ceremony, I would think was taking the piss.

I don't think you mentioned your partner's beliefs - is he/she religious? Do they want a religious service? That would put a different slant on things.

e1y1 · 27/08/2016 21:54

Personally, think YABU and hypocritical. However, as others have said, you can marry where you like, so a personal choice.

Velvetdarkness · 27/08/2016 21:58

The thing is, your dad isn't there. His body is/was but he isn't. It's just where he was buried. Which obviously is significant and means something but the essence of what made him him, call it his soul if you like, is not there.

You won't get the wholehearted validation you were hoping for. But legally you can marry in that church so it doesn't really matter what strangers on the Internet think.

Original poster

WoolSkye · 27/08/2016 22:00

Velvet, I feel like he is there, that's all that matters his ashes are there, that's still him. I also feel like his spirit is there, tbh.

OP posts:

Pangurban1 · 27/08/2016 22:11

I have no regard for religion whatsoever, but I think it would be lovely for you and your family to get married at a church where your father is buried if that is what you desire. There is a meaning and a closeness for you. The fact you know the vicar from visiting your father's grave is homely.

You don't have to believe in a god to make this venue special for you. It is already extra special.

I got married in a university chapel because it was important to my mother. She didn't care about anything else or having a big bash for appearances sake. She just wanted us to be married in a church. She was into god and the whole pantheon of holies. I can't stand religion, but was happy I did something, that mattered so little so me, to make her happy.

I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you choose.

trafalgargal · 27/08/2016 22:12

I would think in general it's a bit hypocritical to marry in church with zero belief in God. I believe marriage vows matter and I'd want everything to be "right" but it's a personal decision and one plenty of non believers make. You do what is right for you .....it's a better reason than wanting to do it because it'd make better photo backgrounds than a registry office though.
In your shoes my big question would be "would Dad have approved" if he held strong feelings against it I wouldn't do it.

CantChoose · 27/08/2016 22:13

I think YANBU. I consider myself Christian and do believe in God, in a sense. In my church we take the view that we welcome everyone and hope that if people who aren't typically religious want to get married in our church we can support them through that and prompt them to think about their own faith, whatever their conclusion.
As long as your vicar is happy to do it given that he already knows you I would suggest you go for it. Congratulations btw :)

DiegeticMuch · 27/08/2016 22:13

Loads of people marry in church. They're not all religious, surely. Churches would lose a major income stream if vicars didn't turn a blind eye to people who simply wanted a nice setting. The pretty Norman church near me holds plenty of weddings. The other nearby church (housed in a 1980s building) - not so many! There's a reason for that, and it certainly ain't that the sweet old church has a bigger congregation.

And the OP has a "better" motive than scenic photos for wanting to marry in church anyway - her dad rests there. It's understandable.

Pangurban1 · 27/08/2016 22:15

I don't think it is the least bit hypocritical. It sounds like the ceremony venue would be one of love and closeness. They are the most true things I can think of.

raisedbyguineapigs · 27/08/2016 22:19

For me it wouldn't be so much the hypocrisy but the promising in God's name when you don't believe there is one. I don't know. It may cheapen the vows. I had a registry office marriage and a church blessing for that reason. You have a better reason for a church wedding than me though which was to save telling my mum I didn't believe in God and the chances of me converting my atheist DP to Catholicism were less than zero

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