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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get married in a church, even if I'm not religious?

123 replies

WoolSkye · 27/08/2016 20:08

I'm technically Christian, but I'm not actually religious. My dad is buried at a certain church, I'd love to get married there, as he obviously isn't here to walk me down the isle. I'm just wondering if it's unreasonable?

OP posts:

squiggleirl · 27/08/2016 22:25

I can understand why the OP would want to get married some place where she feels close to her father.

The issue though is that this is a religious venue, and getting married there involves a religious ceremony that neither of you believe in.

I understand why the OP wants to get married in a place where she feels close to her father, but I don't think partaking in a religious ceremony that she and her OH have no belief in is also not right.

Would it be an option to talk to the vicar and ask him advice on how to make your father more part of a ceremony, and see what he suggests....

BlancheBlue · 27/08/2016 22:34

Some of the rude replies to op on this thread from religious people are a poor advert for the christian value they supposedly believe in!

LittleBeautyBelle · 27/08/2016 22:35

I think it's wonderful to get married in the church where your father is near...it will be meaningful and special. You sound like you have good will toward this church with no animosity toward Christianity so I think it would be lovely for your wedding. You have a good reason for getting married there. I think it will be a blessing for you and your marriage. Congratulations to you btw.

couldntlovethebearmore · 27/08/2016 22:36

I think you've already made your mind up so rather than ask opinions you don't want to hear crack on

SharkBaitOohHaha · 27/08/2016 22:36

OP, I think it's a beautiful reason to choose a venue.

DP and I are not religious, and won't be having a religious ceremony / having a church wedding. But if one of my beloved parents had passed and I felt a real closeness to the venue, which happened to be a church? I would do it in a heartbeat and not give a stuff what anonymous people on an Internet forum thought (sorry!).

MaudlinNamechange · 27/08/2016 22:38

As a Christian (pompous face) I would say that everyone is welcome in church, no matter what. that's the whole point.

People who want to police your "hypocrisy" are taking on a judgemental role that Christianity itself does not recognise or endorse. I doubt they are Christians. (on the whole).

LittleBeautyBelle · 27/08/2016 22:41

I just read more of the replies. I'm Catholic and feel very religious or strongly about it or however you want to phrase it...can't help but feel some of the replies are harsh. I think it would be a good thing for op to have her wedding there at the church where her father is near. She seems to have good will toward Christianity...none of us know what her spiritual journey is like to judge from a few posts, this could something that is part of her journey, (or not) let's respect her wish to be married near her father who won't be walking her down the aisle. It will be a very special wedding.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2016 22:41

Some of the rude replies to op on this thread from religious people are a poor advert for the christian value they supposedly believe in!

I'm not seeing these-I do see some rather pointed posts but I dont see those posters declaring they are religious.

Pangurban1 · 27/08/2016 22:41

"And now abideth faith, hope, love - these three, but the greatest of these is love." Corinthians

Even the computerBible says yes.

Boiing · 27/08/2016 22:42

I did this OP. It's fine. In England you can only get married by a religious body or the Council, and although I'm not religious, I actively hate the local Council / disliked their Registrars. So I felt quite entitled to pick the person I least disliked (vicar) to do the wedding. I admit I was somewhat influenced by having been to a civil wedding, and just as the couple leaned in to kiss, the repulsive registrar shoved her head in between their faces and said "Congratulations from Cheshire County Council!" Not what I wanted for my wedding.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 27/08/2016 23:44

The great thing about God is that his existence isn't contingent on whether people believe in Him.
If the church is just a pretty building for nice photos, that's fine.
If it is a place which means something to you, great.
If church represents asking God to bless your marriage, wonderful.
God will either be there, or not. It doesn't matter what us mortals believe, we can't affect His existence.
I don't understand the objection to non believers getting married in church. If you don't believe in God, then the church is just a building. And if you do believe in God, you know He will be there, and he will bless that marriage, whether the married couple believe it or not.
OP, if there is a reason important to you to get married in that church, then of course you should. If God exists, He will be there. If he doesn't, there's nothing to worry about anyway.
Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding and a happy marriage :)

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 27/08/2016 23:50

LittleBeautyBelle · 27/08/2016 23:51

Agree with ExcellentWorkThereMary !!!

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 27/08/2016 23:58

If the priest is happy then go for it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2016 00:07

I'm actually quite hacked off with the people calling the OP a hypocrite or saying SIBU.

We are forced in the UK to have religion in schools, bishops in the Lords and bloody politicians banging on about being 'culturally Christian'. Then someone wants to marry close to her dear departed father and she is unreasonable to use a building she feels close to in her own community. When the vicar knows her beliefs.

I was going to say shame on you if you are Christian. Then I thought for a second. Shame on you if you are humans.

cexuwaleozbu · 28/08/2016 06:35

Like PurpleDaisies said upthread it's not clear whether or not people on the YABU side are themselves religious people, most people expressing an opinion haven't mentioned whether or not they themselves are religious. I just scanned through the whole thread and there are only 5 posts where the poster specifies that they are actively Christian and all 5 say yanbu. (I didn't specify, said YANBU, and am a Christian so make that 6)

Priests sometimes (not always) having a non-literal understanding of the historicity of the bible is not just confined to those that the tabloid press shrieked about in the 1970s and 80s. I have several friends who are priests who have all agreed that this is a definite phenomenon. It includes people who had a more literal position on starting training for the ministry but whose theological training (forcing them to forensically analyse what they really believe) or practical experience of ministry (which can be a grim nightmare in many parishes) led them to change their view to something less literal without that changing their minds on their calling to priesthood. Not a majority at all but there are over 10,000 priests in the CofE (7k+ in paid positions, 3k+ unpaid) and although I have no statistics on how prevalent this faith-position is, each 1% would represent 100 individuals which is a large enough number for the word "plenty" to apply. It's not a recent phenomenon either - one of the early definitions of specific heresies which were defined in the first few centuries of the church was Donatism which was concerned about whether the priesthood of a priest who had declared a lack-of-faith was really valid - the prevailing position and official rebuttal formulated was that the validity of the sacrament depends upon the holiness of God, the minister being a mere instrument of God's work, so that any priest or bishop, even one in a state of mortal sin or apostacy, who speaks the formula of the sacrament the intent of causing the sacrament to occur acts validly.

Motherfuckers · 28/08/2016 06:49

I think you sound very religious OP, you are talking about the spirit of your dead dad, which is not usually something that atheists would say. Your OP is therefore not very relevant. Yes, get married in the church, it is obviously very meaningful to your beliefs.

cricketballs · 28/08/2016 07:25

When we got married the only places we could get married were church or registry office. After attending a registrar wedding it felt so impersonal and 'efficient ' that whilst I don't actively believe or disbelieve in God I felt that was only in the church it would feel like a true commitment was being made

FoxesOnSocks · 28/08/2016 07:36

It sounds to me like the right place for you to get married, it has a great significance to you.

Talk to the vicar. Not us.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/08/2016 07:41

Get married where you want, church or not. Back in the day, huge numbers married in churches, nobody says to them now (years and years later), "are you still attending the church you married at in 1968". No-one's business but yours (I love a church wedding).

DeathStare · 28/08/2016 07:43

You'd lie in what you say in your wedding ceremony in order to get the venue you want?

If that's the case, then in my opinion you shouldn't be getting married at all and the venue is the least of your concerns

Lesley1980 · 28/08/2016 07:50

I went to church until I was 18 & most of my family still attend but I chose not to get married in a church because I felt I would be a hypocrite. The church would have looked lovely in the picture & it would have been nice walking down aisle but I just felt I could stand there being married by a minister in front of God & making promises to God when neither of us attend church or practice any religion.

charlestonchaplin · 28/08/2016 07:56

Mother
I think you sound very religious OP, you are talking about the spirit of your dead dad, which is not usually something that atheists would say

There are very many religious Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and Shintoists. It would not be appropriate for them to get married in a Christian church, though in the Church of England (almost) anything is possible, usually with the payment of a fee.

As an aside, many Christians find religion to be a dirty concept, the embodiment of meaningless rituals without real faith. So I'm not sure how being religious makes the OP more qualified to marry in a Christian church. In fact, one would argue that a Christian would believe only the remains of the body would be buried in the church grounds. The spirit/soul would be elsewhere.

gingerdodger · 28/08/2016 08:15

I don't see the Christian posts who are telling OP she is being unreasonable either. In fact my heart was warmed by how the Christians seemed wholly open and welcoming to the idea.

Also a Christian I would also say you would be welcome. You obviously have good reasons and you have a connection with the priest, who sounds as though he has always made you welcome when you are seeing your Dad. Nobody can see into anyone else's heart, if it feels right for you then it is right and, as a previous poster said, even though you may not believe in him, I also believe God will be dead chuffed you are there. Jesus talked a lot about love and how it was the greatest gift, I am sure he will be happy to see your love celebrated in his church.

Sugarlightly · 28/08/2016 08:21

I think YABU for reasons already stated above - hypocrisy etc. I also think the same about christening a baby

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