Partner objects to being with my on a Friday night

[SomewhereInDarkestScotland]

NC for this.

I'm a gay man and have been with my partner for a little over ten years. He's very sociable, and I'm very quiet and shy. He's involved with an activity (dance classes and events) which takes up his Friday and sometimes Saturday evenings. They are my idea of hell - not only can I not dance, even if I could, I would be too self-conscious. The events also often involve drinking, something I rarely do.

We are both self employed, working from home, and frankly, I don't have many friends - I don't have many opportunities to meet new people, and even when such occasions arise, I always feel on the periphery. We live in a semi-rural part of Scotland, and I don't really feel I fit in either - nobody is rude or unpleasant, it's just that I didn't grow up in this small area, and have few things in common.

Anyway, so you've got the picture - I'm the misery, he's the fun ;-) So generally on these evenings I go hiking or cycling. That suits me fine.

Recently, an acquaintance in a nearby town, about ten miles away, has started an LGBT social night at a bar - it starts quite early in the evening, and runs into the night.

I really wanted to go, and so asked my partner if he'd mind coming to this instead. He wasn't interested. So I asked if he'd like to come for part of it. Again, no, it would ruin his evening at his activity.

I realise that it comes across as me being very needy - I guess, I am really. I find it so difficult to deal with crowds.

So, having learnt that some people I knew would be there, I went along on my own, and stayed about half an hour. I just latched on to the people I knew, and was conscious I was hogging their time. I just felt so out of place and awkward. So I made my excuses and left.

I feel rather hurt that my partner couldn't give up even part of one Friday evening to do something together, but especially when he knew how important it was for me.

I feel so isolated here, and incapable of making any real friends. I could really have done with his help in chatting to new people - he's so good at it, and once I feel more comfortable around a person, I am much more sociable.

I suppose I'm a bit of a cuckoo - no social skill of my own, and dependant on stealing his. No wonder he doesn't want to come and be a fucking crutch.

Don't give up on the new group. I understand how it must have felt awkward but well done for going at all and it may well get better if you keep going and get to know people. I suspect that the people you "latched on to" didn't really feel that you were hogging their time and that was your shyness colouring your view. Anyway, that's kind of the point of a new group. You start by talking to the people you know, new people join in, you're a bit quiet to begin with but then as you get to know the new people, you tentatively join in too.

I actually think that it would be really good for you to develop a social circle separate from your partner. If he comes with you, he'll make friends while you watch and you'll just carry on feeling like second best.

Must you work from home? I do think you are becoming too isolated and over-reliant on your partner.

Hedda - you're probably right. I too suspect he'd make friends and I'd just be on the edge of that. I do need my own friends.

Honestly, if the couple I knew weren't there, I'm not sure I'd have stuck around at all. I really don't know how to talk to people.

The idea of working for someone else terrifies me, I'm honestly not sure I could do it. At the moment I can control my interaction with people. I was reading that thread about the poor lady who had been under-appreciated by her department, who hadn't bought her a gift or thrown a party for such a long service period. While her expectations are normal, I couldn't help but think "I'd hate that, I'd rather just go and nobody say anything" - which is not normal.

I think what's upset me tonight, is that I've asked him to give up just one of the weekly evenings, just this once, to do something I'd like to do - but his activity is sacred, and can't be cancelled, ever, despite him not being organiser.

Normal couples do things on Friday nights, don't they? Maybe not every Friday, but it's a perfectly reasonable expectation?

Are you the same PBP person who started a thread the other week about having/not having a relationship with the guy you live with?

Either way, I think you're being unfair.

You could have told your acquaintance that if you come along, you'll be alone and he might have supported you or sorted out some company for you, with similar people.

Nope, I post under another name, but I have never posted about relationships.

How am I being unfair? Quite prepared to accept I am, but it would be helpful if you could tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I think you were really brave to go alone, and I think if you stick with it you will start recognising people and eventually get talking and build up friendships that way.

If your partner has his own hobbies and things wouldn't you like something of your own?

By doing this it will build your confidence and help you get out more and relieve your anxiety.

I understand about your partner not going but maybe see it as a blessing in disguise. Xx

OP I actually agree with Hedda that it may have been good that you did go on your own, as it gives you an opportunity to make your own circle of friends, and this I think will be good for you.

The first time at places like this are always the hardest! You have done that now, so next time will be easier, then easier again and before you know it you will have people you are calling friends. Each time promise yourself your talk to someone new, just one person. It's so hard meeting people on a social level, I moved into a new town for my DP shockingly I have always been great at networking for work but I've been useless at putting "me" out there, he can't understand it as he has seen me in my work mode, but socially I seem to turn into the crazy cat lady 🙄

I do think however your DP was a bit mean not to accompany you for the first one, but after that (which you have now done!) I would have said it would be good for him to exit so you can find your own group of friends.

And you haven't been unfair at all IMO

Because you don't join him due to the fact you feel his activities are your idea of hell, yet you expect him to join you, even when he doesn't want to.

And actually, the main reason you want him to join you, is because he is better at socialising than you are, which you readily admit is needy of you.

If you want to get involved in the LGBT social nights in a bar, you do realise people will be drinking?

Yet one of the reasons you don't accompany your DP on his nights is because The events also often involve drinking, something I rarely do.

You can't site that as a reason not to join him, if you then expect him to join you in the social nights you want to attend

Could you offer to help your friend who is running the social group? Find out if there are any jobs you could do for them?

I always find it easier to go into social situations with a "role" that gives me an excuse for approaching people and something to talk to them about.

It is great if you posted here on purpose but you do know this is Mumsnet don't you?

"Because you don't join him due to the fact you feel his activities are your idea of hell, yet you expect him to join you, even when he doesn't want to."

The difference being - that he can walk into pretty much any event with confidence; for me, it's mental preparation, nausea and anxiety.

That's the difference. It wouldn't hurt him to give me an hour of his time on a Friday night - for me to go to his events, it's a different kettle of fish. However, if he told me that he wanted me to join him, I would attend.

"And actually, the main reason you want him to join you, is because he is better at socialising than you are, which you readily admit is needy of you.
"

You're right -sod it, I should just quit things and let him be unburdened.

Thanks SquidgyRedBall, Pepsi and Hedda, comments are appreciated. I'm going to leave this thread now, Worra has really wound me up, and I really shouldn't be rising to it. But thank you, I think you're all right :)

PersianCatLady I have read threads on here that has nothing to do with being a mum. If someone needs advice you can't shun them away its not very nice.

Worra is being harsh and unhelpful. Not everyone walks around with confidence sometimes we need that hand to guide us. You done well by attending and that is the first step. You don't have to drink to have a good time. Keep in contact with the people you know so you can build on those friendships. Friendships are like relationships they take time to build.

Pull yourself together, go to the event and just imagine you're posting on this thread rather than face to face.

You come across on here as not confident, but intelligent and interesting with an insight into your own personality. You express yourself well and aside from the self pity appear to be personable and articulate.

Perhaps you should consider counselling for your confidence? Or drinking?

It is good that you now have something away from your partner. Comfortable is not the same as good. Or fun.

PersianCatLady I have read threads on here that has nothing to do with being a mum. If someone needs advice you can't shun them away its not very nice
No I wasn't shunning him.

I knew that however I worded my comment it would sound like I was saying "go away" or something like that.

I just wanted to make sure that the OP had not accidentally posted here by accident.

It just reminded me of the other day when one of my friends called me and told me that I had sent him a massive long message about his birthday bike but the message was clearly meant for my son not my friend.

Actually perhaps other people don't do stupid things like me???

PersianCatLady

WTF?!!!

PersianCatLady Clearly not, no.

SomewhereInDarkestScotland
Is there any way that you could sit down with your OH and say make a suggestion that one Friday every month you go out and do something, just the two of you that isn't one of his activities?

If you don't mind me saying I think that due to your work life you don't have the chance to meet many new people and what with you being a little apprehensive you find it hard to make new friends.

I think that you not only need to spend time with your OH, he needs to spend time doing his activities without you and you need to make a few really good friends and spend time with them without your OH.

It is hard to get out and meet new people especially if you are a bit shy but do you have any hobbies at all that would enable you to join a group or club of like-minded people in order to get out into the world?

TBH the idea of the LGBT social night sounds good but I think that maybe the idea overwhelms you a little bit. Would it be possible for you to maybe meet up the acquaintance that has set this up and a small group of people so that when you do go to the LGBT social night it won't be so daunting for you?

Also just because you are gay it doesn't mean that you have to restrict yourself to gay-specific activities (sorry for the shit phrasing there).

I am sure that you are a lovely man and there are lots of people out there who you could spend time with, you don't have to narrow the field down to just other gay people (unless of course that is what you want to do).

Finally I see that you like hiking and cycling, are there any groups where you could do this and meet other people at the same time?

It will seem so hard to get out there and make friends at first but you will soon get the hang of it and you will wish you had done it earlier.

Let us know how it goes.

PersianCatLady Clearly not, no
So you have never accidentally sent a text to the wrong person in your whole life?

You haven't sent a text to the wrong person though, have you? You have suggested that you think that the OP has done the equivalent of that in posting, which makes it look like you think the OP shouldn't be here. Which looks rude.

You have suggested that you think that the OP has done the equivalent of that in posting, which makes it look like you think the OP shouldn't be here
OMG I only asked if the OP had meant to post here, there was no malice or harm meant at all.

I wanted to make sure that the OP wanted advice from us and had come to the right place which he obviously has and does.

Sorry for any confusion.

I am bleedin shit st social occasions. I don't think it is that uncommon. Well done for going alone. Do it again and stay longer. If you don't drink you can always drive and go home whenever you like. I definitely think you need to make friends. Have you considered a club? It might be easier than the big night out thing.

Oh OP, go for it, force yourself a little to go to the new club. I totally get your situation. I work from home too and am not as clever socially as I used to be when I worked offices. Fortunately though I don't live in the back of beyond and still have my friends from before.

Are there any hill-walking clubs in the area?

Somewhere - what about joining a rambling or cycling club locally?

And I also think you were brave to go along and give it a go. Social stuff is hard!

One more thing I wanted to ask you OP was how far away is the nearest big town from where you are?