Partner objects to being with my on a Friday night

[SomewhereInDarkestScotland]

NC for this.

I'm a gay man and have been with my partner for a little over ten years. He's very sociable, and I'm very quiet and shy. He's involved with an activity (dance classes and events) which takes up his Friday and sometimes Saturday evenings. They are my idea of hell - not only can I not dance, even if I could, I would be too self-conscious. The events also often involve drinking, something I rarely do.

We are both self employed, working from home, and frankly, I don't have many friends - I don't have many opportunities to meet new people, and even when such occasions arise, I always feel on the periphery. We live in a semi-rural part of Scotland, and I don't really feel I fit in either - nobody is rude or unpleasant, it's just that I didn't grow up in this small area, and have few things in common.

Anyway, so you've got the picture - I'm the misery, he's the fun ;-) So generally on these evenings I go hiking or cycling. That suits me fine.

Recently, an acquaintance in a nearby town, about ten miles away, has started an LGBT social night at a bar - it starts quite early in the evening, and runs into the night.

I really wanted to go, and so asked my partner if he'd mind coming to this instead. He wasn't interested. So I asked if he'd like to come for part of it. Again, no, it would ruin his evening at his activity.

I realise that it comes across as me being very needy - I guess, I am really. I find it so difficult to deal with crowds.

So, having learnt that some people I knew would be there, I went along on my own, and stayed about half an hour. I just latched on to the people I knew, and was conscious I was hogging their time. I just felt so out of place and awkward. So I made my excuses and left.

I feel rather hurt that my partner couldn't give up even part of one Friday evening to do something together, but especially when he knew how important it was for me.

I feel so isolated here, and incapable of making any real friends. I could really have done with his help in chatting to new people - he's so good at it, and once I feel more comfortable around a person, I am much more sociable.

I suppose I'm a bit of a cuckoo - no social skill of my own, and dependant on stealing his. No wonder he doesn't want to come and be a fucking crutch.

Persian sending a text to the wrong person is VERY different to logging onto mumsnet and typing a post and pressing 'post message'. You know that!

Do you have a problem with the OP using this site? The rest of us don't.

Your comment was very rude and unnecessary and your now trying to excuse yourself. It's not working!

Somewhere I hope everything works out for you. You sound like a lovely guy,

Do you have a problem with the OP using this site? The rest of us don't
No of course I don't have a problem with the OP, which is why I have spent time written him a reply with some ideas as to what he should do.

Your comment was very rude and unnecessary and your now trying to excuse yourself
TBH it wasn't rude, you have just decided to read it as being rude and make a big deal out of it.

It's not working!
Also I don't care what you think as you have spent more time moaning at me than you have trying to help the OP with his problem. Says it all really.

Somewhere you are very welcome to post here. I'm sure Persian didn't mean to be rude.

Firstly there are loads and loads of cycling groups in Scotland. Just turn up, cycle not too much requirement to chat a lot. You'd get to know people with common interests over time and in a non stressful way. Cycling groups are very inclusive - it's all about your Strava times.

Secondly - anyone who is attending a LBGT social night is there because they want to chat and speak to new people. I'm sure your friends were very happy to see you.

Keep going to the social night. Smile and nod. Fake it until you can make it. Sometimes you've just got to feel the fear and do it anyway. It will be good for you.

OP, I know it really doesn't feel like it, but your partner is doing you a huge favour in not going with you.

Do you really think you'd be socially fine if he came with you a few times, then left you to it? I suspect you'd be back to square one when you eventually went by yourself.

Bite the bullet now, and start as you will have to go on - by yourself.

I think you were incredibly brave to go by yourself the first time. That showed amazing courage. You don't need your partner with you, you just need to trust yourself.

Op I agree with Stoic - you really do need to build your own circle of friends.

I completely get where you're coming from, anything social often leaves me breaking out in a cold sweat. It was particularly bad when I was on mat leave, I isolated myself and it was a downward spiral. Now that I'm back at work and "forced" to be sociable, I find it much easier in social situations.

Please keep going, it will do you the world of good and I'm confident that, once you go a few times, you'll enjoy it. FWIW you sound lovely and I'd happily chat to you- give yourself some credit, you sound like a really nice chap!

I suffer from anxiety and new social events are my idea of hell because I have to make small talk with strangers! I have learnt that if you keep at it it does get better (although I tend not to stick at it!)

One thing I've found helps is to ask new people lots of Questions about themselves. The majority of people seem to love talking about themselves and it takes the pressure of you a little!

Re: your partner YANBU to want his support. Can you explain to him how difficult you find these things and ask him to give up one Friday to come with you? I understand he may not want to give up his Friday activity in the long run though and that's ok but coming once would be good. It also may benefit you bit to go every week with him as if you ar the least confident of a couple it can be easy to fall into the other persons shadow.

somewhere I hope you haven't left the thread and that you find the courage to go to the group again. As others have said, going without your extrovert DP may well be a good thing our he will make friends and you will be the +1 when given time you can develop friendships within the group. There are bound to be others just as socialy awkward as you.

Have you tried MeetUp to find groups in your area for the hobbies you have? I'm socially lazy/awkward and inclined to hermitude but have successfuly found groups around mutual interests. Not necessarily going to be as easy in rural scotland as a big city but worth a look.

Hope the OP comes back, as some good advise here.

What with Worra original post referring to the OP's DP as a an aquantaince (I know second post days DP) and then Persian comes along suggesting the OP has joined Mumsnet, logged onto mumsnet, and posted on mumsnet by accident

I'm sorry I think both of you were very rude, the OP needs some support it is very different socialising with anxiety, and the OP has been really brave.

I just wish people would be a bit more kind to others when they are looking for help.

somewhere where in Scotland are you? I'm sure there are loads of things we can help you find to do & meet new friends.

Bloody well done going. Pushing yourself out your comfort zone gets a little easier each time you do it.

Pepsi, PCL has explained and I'm fairly sure Worra meant the friend running the group when she said acquaintance.

I've re-read the comment by Worra I saw it last night and thought at the time it seemed very rude to me, i thought it seemed to imply something else, I've looked at it again and hands up it does look like I misread the context so I apologise.

But the comments by Persian, are a bit rude in my opinion with a lot of backtracking thereafter lots of people aren't mums on here and I think it was unnecessary to comment about it in that way, without any suport until someone pointed out it wasn't very kind.

You do need your own social circle, as you can't expect your partner to always be with you. However, as some other people have suggested, maybe you would be more likely to enjoy another sort of activity? I'm quiet and don't enjoy big nights out, but I've made friends through a board games group and a walking group. There are all sorts of people in the groups, gay and straight, but they all enjoy the activity and make friends.

Can you message the organiser say you really enjoyed it (no harm in it ) and ask if he knows if any of the members enjoy cycling or hiking - talking about cycling routes/times or hiking routes and stuff you've seen wouldn't be scary at all especially if you are listening n sharing info - think of making friends that way rather than polite conversation and joking around that can come later
With your partner he should support you but think that you can build relationships then invite him along

What with Worra original post referring to the OP's DP as a an aquantaince (I know second post days DP) and then Persian comes along suggesting the OP has joined Mumsnet, logged onto mumsnet, and posted on mumsnet by accident

FFS read my post properly before you accuse me of being rude.

From the OP...... "Recently, an acquaintance in a nearby town, about ten miles away, has started an LGBT social night at a bar"

My reply.... "You could have told your acquaintance that if you come along, you'll be alone and he might have supported you or sorted out some company for you, with similar people.

I don't understand the need for OPs to explain their sexuality before posting. Mostly I think we'd understand it if they just went ahead and posted using whatever pronoun was applicable in the context. Do we need to know or care that the OP is a 'gay man'? I don't. Makes it seem a bit odd and contrived to me.

The world doesn't need to be full of extroverts op!
You sound like a lovely person to me, sensitive and intelligent.
I think that rather than trying to fit in with everyone else that you do something where you feel more comfortable just being you. It's ok to be quiet, it's ok to be you.

I bet there are hiking or cycling meets if you have a Google. That way you can meet new people but you're all doing an activity which takes the pressure off all that forced chat. You can get to know people at your own pace.

Thanks for all your replies - I don't feel quite such a social failure having read how understanding people are about it, and it's reassuring to know these feelings are common enough.

Some good tips - especially generating conversation by prompting people to talk about themselves.

Re. my partner doing me a favour by not coming - yes, that's correct too. My disappointment is that I don't think that's how it was planned - I do think it's reasonable to expect to do something together on the occasional Friday.

Re. posting on mumsnet as opposed to anywhere else - I am an occasional parent. Might sound hard to believe with my social anxiety, but I am a foster carer, so that's why I use a forum for parents. On that note, here is the very strange thing: when it comes to activities involving children placed with us (none at the moment), I'm really good. I think it's because I've got a role. Isn't that weird, that I can easily encourage a child to a new activity, take them along, participate where appropriate, all with confidence, but I find myself in a panic doing something for me?

I do have a good relationship with other carers, although due to the transient nature of children coming and going, I haven't made friends with parents - that opportunity may arise if we have a child with us for the long term.

So, I think some voluntary position may be a good place to go - I see there is a listing website that offers lots of interesting opportunities, many public facing. From what others have said, and from reading my own replies back, it sounds like I need a 'role' :-)

yes I think you are starting to find a solution. It is not uncommon to feel socially 'inept' when you dont have a 'role'. It exposes you and if you are a bit insecure or introverted then it can be horrid. I know because i am the same. But I have gradually acclimatised myself to being social but under the 'wing' of having a 'role'. Find something that you can do comfortably (or slightly out of comfort zone even better) such as foster carer meet ups. Organise them yourself so you feel in control - invite who you feel comfortable with and gradually you will feel more confident with strangers and it gets easier. Dont give yourself a hard time (or your partner) .

I do best in situations where everyone is new....I become bit of a leader, but put me in established situations and I stay forever the "new girl". So this new group is a great bchance to get stuck in. Also, people who aren't social butterflies are quite often liked because of the low key interaction. And yes, like pp said, out yourself forward for a " role"....its the way to go

I think I'd stick the LGBT out for a few weeks and see if it improves but also check out groups with an activity as when you are shy having the activity to talk about ....gives you .....well something to talk about that you know is a shared thing. Hiking or cycling groups seem the obvious ones but I'm sure you can think of others too.

I think you sound lovely! Interesting, self aware, intelligent- id happily chat to you!

Give the group another go. Maybe have a think about some "stock" questions you can ask people to get conversations going.

Do you work? What do you do?
Have you lived round here long?
Have you been away this summer? Yes? Where did you go? Ooh lovely, what's it like there?

Honestly, most of social stuff is asking questions and listening and it totally can be learned. It may not even be fully your comfort zone but you can definitely get more comfortable with it in order to pass an hour in a bar.

Keep going, without your partner. I think he's a red herring tbh, I think you need to do this on your own, for you :)

Volunteering sounds great OP. I'm the same - I like knowing what I'm meant to be doing and how I fit in. Volunteering lets you be social and build up relationships at your own pace, and gives you an instant topic of conversation. I also would stick out the LGBT meets - each week will get easier and you'll become an old hand quite quickly (I would guess). Partner being a bit of an arse right now but it's going to be worth it.

I think, if you can, carry on going to this group.

But have you thought about joining a cycling or hiking one too? One that's based on interests not sexuality? Get your foster children involved too.

Best of both worlds then...

I think you were brave to go on your own, I also find this sort of thing difficult and have relied on dh's social skills to the extent I now have few friends of my own. Could you make yourself continue with the group, just popping in for about an hour every week? After a while people will start to recognise you, and it should get easier to strike up a chat. Maybe when you are a bit more confident about going, invite your partner to join you the odd time (maybe you could join him occasionally at his activity in return?).

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the occasional Friday night, lots of couples find it tough when one person has a very inflexible hobby that they want to put a substantial amount of leisure time into. So he should be willing to go to the occasional thing with you as you should to his, or to some other mutually agreeable alternative. However, I don't think that's really the point here.

Being SE and living remotely as you both do, it's important to have friends. Neither of you socialise with workmates and as your parenting activity is irregular, you don't make NCT, school gate or playgroup friends as many people do. So your opportunities are more limited and you have to make the most of them. And they're going to come in more structured settings because you're less likely to acquire pals in passing. DHs dancing is really important for him in this respect. I agree with other posters, I'd persevere with the LGBT group and ask the organiser for some support if possible.