Partner objects to being with my on a Friday night

[SomewhereInDarkestScotland]

NC for this.

I'm a gay man and have been with my partner for a little over ten years. He's very sociable, and I'm very quiet and shy. He's involved with an activity (dance classes and events) which takes up his Friday and sometimes Saturday evenings. They are my idea of hell - not only can I not dance, even if I could, I would be too self-conscious. The events also often involve drinking, something I rarely do.

We are both self employed, working from home, and frankly, I don't have many friends - I don't have many opportunities to meet new people, and even when such occasions arise, I always feel on the periphery. We live in a semi-rural part of Scotland, and I don't really feel I fit in either - nobody is rude or unpleasant, it's just that I didn't grow up in this small area, and have few things in common.

Anyway, so you've got the picture - I'm the misery, he's the fun ;-) So generally on these evenings I go hiking or cycling. That suits me fine.

Recently, an acquaintance in a nearby town, about ten miles away, has started an LGBT social night at a bar - it starts quite early in the evening, and runs into the night.

I really wanted to go, and so asked my partner if he'd mind coming to this instead. He wasn't interested. So I asked if he'd like to come for part of it. Again, no, it would ruin his evening at his activity.

I realise that it comes across as me being very needy - I guess, I am really. I find it so difficult to deal with crowds.

So, having learnt that some people I knew would be there, I went along on my own, and stayed about half an hour. I just latched on to the people I knew, and was conscious I was hogging their time. I just felt so out of place and awkward. So I made my excuses and left.

I feel rather hurt that my partner couldn't give up even part of one Friday evening to do something together, but especially when he knew how important it was for me.

I feel so isolated here, and incapable of making any real friends. I could really have done with his help in chatting to new people - he's so good at it, and once I feel more comfortable around a person, I am much more sociable.

I suppose I'm a bit of a cuckoo - no social skill of my own, and dependant on stealing his. No wonder he doesn't want to come and be a fucking crutch.

Good luck to you OP. You sound great.
I would struggle to socialise in your situation too - it's not easy making new friends xx

Somewhere you sound lovely don't be so hard on yourself! There's nothing wrong with having different interests so try not to see it in a negative light you're just obviously more introverted and that's nothing to be embarrassed by. And to echo what previous posters have said well done for going out of your comfort zone and trying something new it was really brave. Maybe give it another go and it will get easier. I do think it was a bit mean of your partner not to at least accompany to the first one if he knew you were anxious but maybe it'll build your confidence in the long run and be good for you

Goodness, if I was a gay man I'd be you! Everything you've written could be me, I know exactly how you feel, even down to the being weirdly good when it's kids activities. Alas I have no advice - if I had I'd take it myself. The LGBT night does sound worth persuing and I agree that your partner probably wouldn't help by being there. I have a super sociable husband and he'd either be off talking to everyone else or I'd feel bad that I was stopping him talking to everyone else! Anyway sorry, no use whatsoever but you're not the only one who feels like this.

Whatever your sexuality & child care permitting, I think Friday's are there to be enjoyed with your friends. Saturday's is couples night. Fill your boots OP & enjoy

Well, things looked good this afternoon, but now he's off out again, for another of these events.

Apparently he discussed my desire for him not to go (or to go for only part of the event) with his friends there yesterday, and they told him I should be able to do these things on my own.

Anyway, so there we go, lovely sunny evening, and he's driving an hour away to do his activity, and I'm sat home alone evaluating my relationship - I think it's all falling apart. I really feel insignificant.

I think it's unfair to have asked him to come with you and miss his activity ( which you don't want to do with him as you hate) just to come to yours.
It is hard to make new friends though, but it sounds like you did a good job.
Keep at it with this new crowd.
Ofcourse you can post here, childless people do all the time, it isn't just for moms!
Is the fact that he wouldn't come to the activity the main problem, or that he is always doing these hobbies and never has time for you two?

I don't think it was unfair, it's part of being a couple. You do things for each other, you don't keep score.

My issue is that the activity trumps anything else - spending time together, not just at something I wanted to do.

Knowing how upset I was, he's now out again tonight with the same crowd, at another venue.

This week it's been Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night, all night. On other nights, he's out at the gym from 5:30 to 8. There is literally no time for me, and I'm starting to wonder what the point is.

When we've got kids, it's great - I invest all my time in them. But times like now... I just wonder if I'm actually in a relationship.

posting on mumsnet as opposed to anywhere else
I am sorry OP if I offended you as you haven't mentioned it like some other posters have.

I think it's all falling apart. I really feel insignificant
It is hard when things aren't going well to feel like that and I suspect that maybe your DP doesn't really know how you are feeling because as you have said he is an overtly sociable person.

While your DP is out today could you try and find out about any of the following as I think that by starting to look forward you may start to feel a bit more hopeful?

1. Contact the organiser of the LGBT social night and see if there is anything similar planned.
2. Look for local adult education classes.
3. Find out about hiking or cycling clubs.
4. Check your local newspaper for voluntary positions.
5. Go on your local library website and see if they have any information.

I hope that this is helpful.

Don't blame you for being hurt OP think that would make anyone feel quite low on his priorities. All the more reason to focus on yourself right now and widening your social circle. persian had some good suggestions

How did you end up living where you do- did you move to be with your partner, or are both from the same area, or something else? Does he go out to work and have an additional social circle there?

Is there anything that you do, or used to do, together that makes you both equally happy eg cooking meals, watching TV, DIY? Does he get involved with the foster kids when you have them?

It does sound like you need to have a talk about him neglecting you. It's one thing to feel that you have no independent social life but at least feel secure as a couple, quite another to not be getting companionship from the relationship either.

Well done for getting out there and do stick with it. Was there any particular reason you chose an LGBT night to "put yourself out there"- do you feel a need to participate in activities defined by your sexual orientation, or was it just a convenient way to meet people on a new context?

Well... the main reason I went along, was that I'd been nagged by an acquaintance who was running the event, so I thought I'd show him some support, and perhaps meet some new people. What also appealed, was that if I did talk to anyone, it could be about anything, whereas, if I went to a group based on one of my hobbies, I just know I wouldn't know enough about something or other, and would feel embarrassed for only knowing a little. I'll remember how shamed I felt at a classic car group I joined, when I kept getting bamboozled and shamed that I didn't do any of the work myself- and that I just liked to drive classic cars. It was rather disheartening and I left shortly after.

So, that's what appeals about something non-specific, is that I can just talk at a level I'm comfortable with. As it is, I latched onto a friend, oh dear! Still... baby steps.

Life has been rather stressful recently, with one of the businesses wobbling dramatically, with no chance of recovery.

We've not been fighting - but we just don't seem to spend much time together, relaxing, and doing things. It's not unreasonable to ask that he miss the gym or his line dancing (that's the Weds, Fri, and sometimes Sat night activity) sometimes, to spend some time with me? I don't really care what we do!

I just feel a bottom priority.

Re "How did you end up living where you do- did you move to be with your partner, or are both from the same area, or something else? Does he go out to work and have an additional social circle there? "

He comes from this area, and was born just a few miles away. His family are in this area.

I come from down south, with my nearest family a 7 hour drive away, and next relatives a 9 hour drive. I quite like living up here - the countryside is beautiful, and it's nice and quiet.

As for moving anywhere else - we've discussed it. I would like to live down south for a few years at some point, but since he is close to his mother, he's refusing to consider any sort of a move. It annoys the hell out of me, because job prospects in my area are terrible, and it annoys me that someone who has no ambition, is a heavy drinker, chain smoker, and has neglected her children, should have this power over my future.... I'm not a big fan of his mum.

Anyway, long story short, we're staying where we are - and I can live with that :S

It seems like you've sacrificed a lot for him so it's a shame if he's not meeting you halfway in building a satisfying life together?

That was really nice of you to go in order to support your friend's new venture. I am sure he really appreciated it and that nobody else perceived you as "latching on".

Interesting point about the subject matter of conversation at specialist groups. Are there any social meet ups for foster carers (without children in tow)? Sounds like you have a very deep knowledge of anything that could come up in conversation about that. However if you joined a hiking group, for example, I am sure that a lot of it would be general social chatting whilst on the hike, rather than chat about hiking.

As for whether it's unreasonable for your DP to miss his Weds, Fri or Saturday dance sessions, do you do things together Sunday-Tues and Thursday?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want more time together necessarily, but I also think you need some more stuff outside the home yourself. You need to work on that.

I'm always quite good at the fostering meetings, because there's always lots of interesting observations and ideas to exchange, and it's always very supportive and inclusive - I quite enjoy the meetings we have. Most of our meetings are without children.

The problem is, it's not just the Weds, Fri and sometimes Sat evenings - the gym and spin sessions occupy Monday through Thursday :-/

Oh dear, OP, I am sorry that things are so rough for you at the moment. It does sound like your dp is taking you for granted.

Not much to add, no advice to give but just wanted to say hi as I can empathise with your situation. I moved to rural highlands from city, away from my family and friends, pregnant and unable to drive (an essential to live up here!) I have always been on the periferals of social circles, whilst being a sociable person, have struggled to create/maintain close friendships and have struggled with the isolation a bit since moving. Just wanted to say well done for going along to this event

I think you sound very nice: interesting, thoughtful.

I am not going to say anything about your relationship with your partner, because I think you would really benefit from feeling like you are free and confident to make friends on your own, and that is a complete issue in itself. I think you should park the question of whether or not your partner is considerate enough of you, and work on social skills and confidence. When you feel better in that area, you will either decide a. partner and I have a great relationship, and independent busy lives around that, and all is well; or, b. I have lots of friends and activities, partner has lots of different friends and activities, we aren't really connecting, maybe we should call it a day. Either way - you need that confidence and independence.

I think you should actually treat this like a project. Get a book or a coach, or both. Break it down into mini tasks and goals, e.g.: "go to the group and talk to at least one person I didn't know before" and then you can extend to "arrange social events with new people off my own bat" etc. Get some guidance with this, counselling or a life coach - or just a book.

I learnt to network for work from a book. Here is the best piece of advice I took from it: you are probably really shy of making contact with someone you don't know well, because you are nervous of wasting your time. Stop. Ask yourself: if someone from your past gets in touch with you and politely and nicely asks for a chat, for advice, or something like that, as an expert in in your field, how do you feel? the answer is: good, nearly always, and happy to help.

the same is true with non-work social stuff. you are offering something very valuable - your friendship - and people who know what they are doing with recognise this and value it. Believe that, and start from there.

And know it alls are boring. I don't hang out with people who know everything about my hobbies. I hang out with people who are nice, and nice to be with.

I'm sorry op, that sounds awful.
Agree above that you've done so much for him, yet he won't do anything for you.
It shouldn't be you that is always having to put the effort in.

I think it sounds like you had a lucky escape from the car group though!
Sometimes people in these groups can be so judgemental

I think you've made a big step I don't think it would have been a good idea for your oh to go with you I think that may have held you back even more. How close are you to the person running the group you refer to him as an acquaintance rather than a friend? Could you ask if he needs any help with the group I feel you might feel better if you have some sort of role. I would also look at cycling or walking groups locally, they might be a bit less sociable if the main focus is the activity rather than the social aspect if that makes sense.

I'm a little concerned that your partner is not very supportive though. I'm wondering if you do have a child placed with you who has something on at the same time as his activity what happens would he still refuse to miss it?

You should be congratulating yourself for doing something that scares you. You were very brave!!! Your different interests may very well be what keeps your relationship alive - if you work together and do everything together, what on earth are you going to have to talk about? I would suggest that perhaps you keep going to this new LGBT thing and challenge yourself further. Maybe stay for 15 minutes longer... Maybe talk to one new person? From one introvert to another, here is my secret to socializing.... Most people are equally anxious in new situations. They are so focussed on how they appear to others that they are really not paying much attention to you at all. If you ask questions about them and their life, interests, etc - you will appear to be the most interesting, charming person in the room.