Partner objects to being with my on a Friday night

[SomewhereInDarkestScotland]

NC for this.

I'm a gay man and have been with my partner for a little over ten years. He's very sociable, and I'm very quiet and shy. He's involved with an activity (dance classes and events) which takes up his Friday and sometimes Saturday evenings. They are my idea of hell - not only can I not dance, even if I could, I would be too self-conscious. The events also often involve drinking, something I rarely do.

We are both self employed, working from home, and frankly, I don't have many friends - I don't have many opportunities to meet new people, and even when such occasions arise, I always feel on the periphery. We live in a semi-rural part of Scotland, and I don't really feel I fit in either - nobody is rude or unpleasant, it's just that I didn't grow up in this small area, and have few things in common.

Anyway, so you've got the picture - I'm the misery, he's the fun ;-) So generally on these evenings I go hiking or cycling. That suits me fine.

Recently, an acquaintance in a nearby town, about ten miles away, has started an LGBT social night at a bar - it starts quite early in the evening, and runs into the night.

I really wanted to go, and so asked my partner if he'd mind coming to this instead. He wasn't interested. So I asked if he'd like to come for part of it. Again, no, it would ruin his evening at his activity.

I realise that it comes across as me being very needy - I guess, I am really. I find it so difficult to deal with crowds.

So, having learnt that some people I knew would be there, I went along on my own, and stayed about half an hour. I just latched on to the people I knew, and was conscious I was hogging their time. I just felt so out of place and awkward. So I made my excuses and left.

I feel rather hurt that my partner couldn't give up even part of one Friday evening to do something together, but especially when he knew how important it was for me.

I feel so isolated here, and incapable of making any real friends. I could really have done with his help in chatting to new people - he's so good at it, and once I feel more comfortable around a person, I am much more sociable.

I suppose I'm a bit of a cuckoo - no social skill of my own, and dependant on stealing his. No wonder he doesn't want to come and be a fucking crutch.

OP I totally get the needing purpose thing. I see that a PP asked about helping with the organisation of the night, that's a great way of getting to know people eh taking the money or handing out flyers or working the door/security. When I was younger with no friends I took a job in a nightclub. I was being paid to socialise but had a purpose for being there and stuff to do so I could leave conversations quickly and with reason so I didn't look rude. It was fantastic for my confidence and I used my 'customer service' experience in personal social situations with great small talk. I make it about them and people seem to love it, throw in the odd 'oh I do X too' or 'I find y works' type comment and you're suddenly involved in interaction. It certainly isn't natural to me but I follow a kind of script (like one of those adventure books - if X turn to page 23 if y turn to page 78) and it works for me. Good luck and please don't give up.

Would you think of joining a gym yourself OP, or an exercise class? It doesn't deal with the part of your problem relating to DP not being that supportive, but it might help with your isolation. I think most of us think there are two issues here? There's sort of a 'drill' with an exercise class too. You can say to people oh, I'm bloody knackered, that was a really tough session. And sort of chat a bit that way. It might help you to think of it as a defined role there.

I'm also wondering if you'd consider starting an online group for foster carers in your region? While you need interaction in person too, online can be a good way to meet people and chat about shared interests.

Hi OP - me again. I have just re-read your posts, and I totally understand how you feel when you say "bamboozled" when you feel your input into the conversations were inadequate. I often feel interrogated in these situations, but then I have to remind myself that these people are being nice trying to get to know me. Being self-effacing and jokey helps in these situations for me. "Oh, goodness - I wouldn't trust myself with mechanical things or getting all mucky! I just like to drive, enjoy the scenery and pretend I'm Michael Schumacher - before the skiing accident of course!" Simple, but honest. (And allows lead-ins to other conversations)
Has your partner discussed how he feels about you being so reliant upon him? My husband and I are Aussies but living in the Netherlands for his work. I knew nobody when we moved here of course... We went through a rough patch because he's the extrovert and I'm just... not. (And initially I found the expat wives that I met through the school impossible to relate to for sooooo many reasons) My husband began to find my reliance upon him pretty claustrophobic, and I had become my own worst nightmare - I did nothing outside of the house, had nothing interesting to talk about and brought nothing new to our relationship. I decided to challenge myself to find new interests and meet new people while dealing with a different language as well. (And yes, there were failures along the way - trust me!!! Think choir of very serious Christians with a mean age of 75 😱)
I know you feel like your partner is being cruel by not sacrificing his evening.... Perhaps if you become more confident with socializing and making small talk with this new crowd, you may actually meet some new people who you find fun or interesting and your partner may be more enticed to meet them through you. I guess it's kind of like learning to swim by being thrown into the deep-end, isn't it?
Here is another piece of advice that may or may not be applicable.... I don't know if you can do this with foster kids, etc, or if you're a dog person, but seriously - since I have bought a dog, I have met so many amazing people out and about - at puppy, training etc... You immediately have something in common to talk about, (and with your partner as well), and a companion who is endlessly entertaining, loving, etc. You may even do some sort of course for companion dogs for kids in need. I could see this as being a fabulous thing for your foster kids.
(BTW - as a mum, I take my hat off to you for fostering kids... I think you must have amazing emotional resources to manage the many heartbreaks involved)

If your partner was working out of the home every day and going to the gym/classes every night, I could see that could lead to a lack of intimacy/friendship. I think the problem is you are both at home all day, and if you are sociable, such as him, then going out in the evening is his opportunity to speak with other people and have some other social interaction. Every evening does seem a lot though.

It would be good to have one evening together a week to do something shared together- what would happen if you suggest that?