To Get Annoyed with people who always think they can keep my children under control..

[Blueflowers2011]

So... are you one of these people that insists they can keep other people's children controlled? Or do you get this said to you all the time... in a nutshell..

I have 2 boys, 5 and 3.5. Both great boys, lovely natured - they are mega energetic, highly demanding and always need something to be doing, playing with, climbing etc. Both me and DH have our work cut out but we do a pretty good job in general, in my opinion.

So when those, especially at the school gate keep insisting 'leave them with me for a few hours, they'll soon behave' or my husband wont allow any of that, just bring them round etc just annoys me sooooo much.

No - you cannot just turn on a button and control any child in a couple of hours, ours can be complex in their mad moments like any vibrant children and both myself and DH know what generally works and what doesnt. A few hours might do it but its not the same as 24/7.

Why do other people - and for me its the parents at my school with one child or extremely well behaved children - that just dont ever consider that other children may actually be different to theirs? It drives me mad.

So aibu to get so annoyed? I am close to snapping and saying something but of course that would be the wrong thing to do.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Mner that's brilliant that you have found a book that is useful to you and is helping you but I just wanted to pick up up on a Wee pint from your first post.

Not all well behaved children are well behaved because they are naturally "easy" personalities.

My DS is extremely active, curious and naturally very boisterous. At 18 months old he was a whirlwind.

The fact that by the time he went to school he was beautifully behaved is down to sheer bloody hard work.

I get incensed when other parents say "well you're lucky, your children are so easy" as if it happened by magic.

Some children are naturally compliant and biddable. Don't fall into the trap of think that every well behaved child you meet is one of those.

[Mner]

I didn't think I had said that specifically but I am happy to stand corrected and apologies for any generalisations unintentionally written

I think the important thing is all children and all parents are different. One child's behaviour is not necessarily always the result of parenting methods. You can try your bloody hardest and it still doesn't always work, or you can try your hardest and it does work, or you can just strike it lucky and get a child who actually stops when you say stop.

We should be more supportive of each other on this forum, this is afterall what it is for, not jump down each other's throats, get all judgemental and drive people who need support away.

I bloody hate that trending thing which draws me into AIBU

[Atenco]

Well I think all parents struggle to find the right way to deal with their children. Very few want to turn their kids into robots, though some do, and very few are happy to have misbehaved children.

I think what rubbed us up the wrong way was that the OP does not seem to see any problem with the behaviour of her children while at the same time she is getting these very unusual and seemingly unasked for comments.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

If you look discouraged and out of ideas, you may get this kind of unsolicited advice, about any and all aspects of children's behavior.

Eg my quiet and sensitive DS sometimes cries when other children wouldnt get upset. DS then gets very upset about being upset, about crying and people thinking he's a baby. He's mortified by it which makes his tears flow more, so it's a vicious circle.

My response is always a firm supportive hug and letting him turn his face to me / a wall etc until he can get his feelings back doing what he wants them to do, then smiles, private well dones and a quick discussion over how he best can get back into the game / go play with x etc etc.

I know other parents believe I should tell him off, tell him he's being a baby and shout at him to 'stop that', 'act your age' etc.

They don't see the panic attacks, deep distress and self hatred at night when we're at home and he can break down safely. They don't get how painful the 'grow up' type of comments are. They also don't know what personal problems add to his burden, historical and/ or present. And, I don't think that should be public knowledge. DS would feel worse if parents and school mates were talking about him.

So I smile and ignore. If pressed I say 'ah well, there are other things happening here, he's doing very, very well (considering), I'm very proud of him' Then I refuse to be drawn, except with actual friends who I can share stuff with.

I'm sure people think they could toughen DS up, or make him 'less sensitive' and 'babyish' by behaving like some army boot camp bonkers ness, but it wouldn't work and would add to DS distress. At best it would teach him to fear the presence of that person, and make him completely shut down... So, no tears, because he'd be frozen, unable to speak or listen or react to anything. I've seen him do this. It's awful. Not something I'd thank anyone for doing to him.

[Mner]

I think the number of people commenting on the OP's children is a red herring. We have had plenty of comments re our son yet I hid nothing from the health (what would be the point, I need help with DS) and she said there's nothing to worry about. I also know a paediatrian who says the same. We're doing a good job in difficult circumstances.

Maybe she lives in a village of MNers.

[Lweji]

Why the OP got the replies she did (not excusing the brats and little shuts mentions):

Vague OP with no examples of behaviours
Vague descriptions that still make many people think her children are difficult.
The question was if people got similar comments and if she WABU to be annoyed.

The vast majority asked for more details and said that maybe there were things the OP could do.

She came back and essentially had a strop without addressing the most reasonable comments or clarifying anything.

[Mner]

Brats, vile, awful, shits. These are the words on this thread. Maybe not yours but they are there all the same and I have reported offensive messages, which have since been removed. Some posters have asked for more information, some have judged without a thought.

Why on earth would the OP come back after that? Why on earth would she seek to justify herself to a thread heaving with posters so quick to judge?

[Lweji]

I've looked for those words and there were very few posts with them.
Hardly representative of the thread or the majority.

[Mner]

You can't find the words because I reported the messages that contained them and they have been removed.

[honkinghaddock]

Most people didn't use words like brat, vile etc. I've got a child with severe behavioural difficulties so I would never describe a child like that. I would not be impressed if a parent sat on their arse doing nothing while their child created chaos because parents doing that have caused distress for my son. I have no idea if the op is one of those or not.

[Lweji]

Mner
I'm referring to a search I did yesterday before the messages were deleted. And there are only two deleted posts from earlier in the thread.

[shockthemonkey]

I think 2 posts have been removed out of 210.

[fusionconfusion]

And Anna Marlowe the same is true in reverse.

I have three boys. One of them was a whirlwind at 18 months. He is beautifully behaved in school etc now. One was a very passive and placid child at 18 months. He has bouts of extreme anger now at 4, which of course we're working on. I'm not making predictions for my third yet, he is just over 2.

It's really very complex and parenting style is only one aspect of what shapes behaviour. Some of it is temperament, some of it is the biobehavioural piece relating to genetics and current biology, some of it is how much time they spend in other contexts, some of it is who is in those other contexts around them and some of it is just random.

Before I had the third I thought I had more control. Now I am sure I have a lot less of it than I once thought. We still have our principles and rules and sanctions and all of those things and (touch wood) more or less they seem like civilised children.. but I don't kid myself it is my hard work alone, though I don't shirk my responsibilities there either.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Fusionconfusion I know exactly what you mean. I had 3 children close together it is hard work your also dealing with sybling rivalry.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Fusion and MNer I completely agree that all children a different and parenting needs to be specific to the child.

One advantage of having twins is understanding very early on that your child doesn't behave a particular way because of your parenting. Character plays a huge part. But character isn't an excuse.

My point above was really that having a more "spirited" child is not a reason for not expecting good standards of behaviour (usual disclaimer about those with SEN).

I see too many people in real life and on MN who seem to more or less imply that the fact that their child is naturally "exuberant" means that generally accepted standards of behaviour are impossible to achieve.

Life is just generally easier for those who can conduct themselves properly. We're presumably all trying to raise good adults, who will be respected by their work colleagues and have strong relationships with friends and family.


Of course this may be irrelevant to the OP. She may just have been unfortunate enough to have encountered a few very rude people, we don't have enough information to judge.

[nursepearl]

Sometimes we become so used to things that we stop seeing it properly, I think people are trying to tell you something here without saying it directly. Usually people are too polite to tell parents their kids are badly behaved so the fact that lots of people are hinting at you suggests there may be an issue. Could you ask a good honest friend to give you an honest opinion?

[FarAwayHills]

I get incensed when other parents say "well you're lucky, your children are so easy" as if it happened by magic

This drives me nuts. 'Oh aren't you so lucky that your DCs that are good sleepers/ well behaved'. It implies that raising kids is a lottery and sheer luck will determine how they turn out. So just by sheer luck they decide to pop themselves into a routine and learn to sleep through - nothing to do with parental input . I agree that we are all born with a certain temperament and some are more difficult that others but all types have their challenges.
(Usual exception re SEN and health issues)

Failing to teach kids basic manners, to be respectful and how to behave in public by using the excuse that they are 'exuberant' is just doing the kids a disservice. Once they get labelled as the naughty one at school it is a difficult title to shake off.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I had 3 good sleepers until I had my boy and all he wants to do is sleep with me. I don't get any alone time in the evening anymore. I am going to have to find a new wind down technique I feel wired in the evening.

[Atenco]

Me, I still do not understand how come the OP's perception of her children behaviour seems to differ so much from the perception of those around her, never having had a comment like that directed at myself, even though my dd could be very challenging at times, and I was very much an amateur.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I think the problem with the op is she allows people to talk to her like that. I seem to have one of those faces now never used to. I think to myself what gives them the right to think for me and when I ignore them they don't understand. I don't like to talk my business to people and then they guess.