To Get Annoyed with people who always think they can keep my children under control..

[Blueflowers2011]

So... are you one of these people that insists they can keep other people's children controlled? Or do you get this said to you all the time... in a nutshell..

I have 2 boys, 5 and 3.5. Both great boys, lovely natured - they are mega energetic, highly demanding and always need something to be doing, playing with, climbing etc. Both me and DH have our work cut out but we do a pretty good job in general, in my opinion.

So when those, especially at the school gate keep insisting 'leave them with me for a few hours, they'll soon behave' or my husband wont allow any of that, just bring them round etc just annoys me sooooo much.

No - you cannot just turn on a button and control any child in a couple of hours, ours can be complex in their mad moments like any vibrant children and both myself and DH know what generally works and what doesnt. A few hours might do it but its not the same as 24/7.

Why do other people - and for me its the parents at my school with one child or extremely well behaved children - that just dont ever consider that other children may actually be different to theirs? It drives me mad.

So aibu to get so annoyed? I am close to snapping and saying something but of course that would be the wrong thing to do.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I think there's 2 points to respond to here.

No, people shouldn't assume they are better parents than you and openly belittle you.

But, why are they saying it? Why are more than 1 person saying it? What exactly are your complexly mad and vibrant children doing to encourage these sorts of comments and suggestions?

I actually have someone I know who's DD could be described like your ds'. She is an absolute nightmare for her mum who is run ragged entertaining and filling her day with delightful things because she bores so easily.
She s an angel round here! Not because I'm strict but because I have clear expectations and high expectations of her. Not in a she should behave perfectly way but in that I tell her she's grown up and can clean up her own spilt drink (it's doesn't matter it's an accident), she can make her own drinks, she can our her own sauce etc. Basically she has a chance to be grown up here and she does things for herself.

[user1471428758]

What on Earth has the op said to possibly make you think that? hmm

Because "My kids are spirited, energetic and vibrant" is usually code for "I don't believe in disciplining them".

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

'Complex in their mad moments'

What does this mean?

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

'Complex in their mad moments'

What does this mean?

[ollieplimsoles]

I have no idea why the op is getting a bashing, she has never said her kids annoy other people.

Maybe the op's kids aren't little zombies swiping an iPad in silence all day, maybe they actually run around, shouting and jumping. Its called playing.

[furryminkymoo]

People always think.....

Sorry but I think that if the common theme is this that actually you are in the wrong on this one, you are not the first person to be raising two (or more) energetic boys, why not try to learn from others?

[ABloodyDifficultWoman]

Complex in their mad moments

= Completely out of control

[KoalaDownUnder]

ollie - nobody (let alone multiple people) says this about kids just for playing.

[NeverEverAnythingEver]

On the other hand there are mad people out there who think they can sort all kinds of things. I've had offers to hand over my kids to someone who would make them eat hot (as in spicy) food, when they were 1 and 3 years old.

[Theoretician]

On a side-note, children would probably behave completely differently with an adult that's not their parent anyway. My niece and nephew were perfectly behaved for a whole day, as soon as a parent came home non-stop rioting ensued, as they competed for attention and tried to knock their rival unconscious. (Exaggerating for comic effect )

[Lweji]

Most people with young children know they can be a handful.

If you are receiving such hints from too many people, then maybe you do indeed need to look at your strategies. Or at least be more vigilant and intervene more when your children interact with other people.

[scratchypoopants]

I am the fourth of four kids. My mum always says that until she had me, she thought that other people's kids were naughty because they didn't know how to control them. After she had me, she realised that some people's kids are just naughty.

For the record, I wasn't that naughty, but I did have a lot of energy and get bored easily... I have three boys now and they have been high maintenance at times, but you should just ignore these people, you sound like you're doing all the right things and it's none of their business, unless your kids are harming anyone or being anti-social. YANBU.

[DinosaursRoar]

go on OP, what were they doing to illicit that response?

Are you one of those 'gentle parenting' types who've never said 'no' /punish bad behaviour and so have created monsters? Do you have DCs who are normally active, but surrounded by dull ones?

REally will depend on what you are talking about.

[WaitrosePigeon]

I think it's time you access their behaviour, if multiple people are saying these things to you.

I'll have them - they will be different children within a week

[EdmundCleverClogs]

My youngest sibling was described in all the ways mention (adding on the classic 'so intelligent therefore bored and can't help it'). In that case, it was all excuses for bad, spoiled, undisciplined behaviour. They never grew out of it, as they grew just believed the world should revolve around them and their apparently extra large brain .

Of course, the op's children could just be vibrant, complex and energetic. Everyone else around her could be wrong in pointing out 'bad behaviour' of course, but I doubt other people would say anything if it was just general/usual boisterous behaviour.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

I agree with other posters who say that we can't tell unless we know what your children were doing when these comments were made.

[kittykittykitty5]

I totally understand children that want to be "on the go" all day everyday. They have a type of constant 24/7 energy that never dips, they just have to busy or out and about everyday 24/7. They genuinely never stop.

I think these are the children who grow up into adults that are the type that see everyday needs 100% effort, that everyday is for living and that a day doing nothing is a day wasted.

The reality is that as a Society we needs these people as when they are older they are the ones who drive industry, steer businesses, invent gadgets or just inspire the rest of us to stive harder. I don't suspect for one moment Bear Grylls or Richard Branson used to be a quiet little boys at home - do you?

The point I am making is that as long as the children of the OP are polite and respectful to others that is all we need to know. The only person who can answer this question and perhaps address these issues is the OP.

Perhaps the Mum at the school has their own issues at home? Perhaps her kids aren't as sporty or active as the OPs. So maybe the comments are driven by a tiny bit of jealousy, it is the school playground and I always found the parents had a lot more issues than the children!

Otherwise my advice would be to embrace your children and to share their energy. If you think you and your OP are doing fine then I am sure you are.

When they are older I cannot recommend Air Cadets or Army Cadets enough, or even Scouts all of which do amazing outdoor activities led by Adult Instructors. Summer camps are remarkably affordable as well.

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

The problem with your post OP is that intentionally or not you have used words to describe your children that automatically wave a red flag that you are minimising their behaviour - without actually having given any examples.

My DS went through a period of being "spirited" and "complex" - in other words he was a right old handful at home and often in public. No two ways about it - his behaviour for a time was awful (3 to 4 years old) and he drove me and DH round the bend.

He thankfully wasn't being mean to other children, he was just singularly stubborn about what he did and didn't want to do - from getting into a car, eating his dinner, holding hands to cross a road, what he would play with etc etc.

Did people comment? At times yes. Did I like it - of course not. However I could understand why they did - but that said they were pretty damn naive to think they could wave a magic wand and "sort him out".

After trial and error, DH and I found the best methods to control this behaviour - mix of carrot and stick - but it was hard work.

He's now a lovely, thriving teenager with lots of friends and doing very well at school.

So on one hand you have my sympathy - some kids are simply harder to parent and when you haven't experienced that it's easy to judge and say "I'd never let mine do xyz".

On the other, if people are repeatedly pointing out their behaviour, then I think you do need to stop hiding behind words like "vibrant" and "spirited" etc. and accept that you may need to re-think what's normal and how to manage that.

[Lweji]

It often depends on expectations.

All children need activity. Some need more than others.
If your child is climbing over chairs and tables at a restaurant, then maybe it's a good idea to go out with them for a bit, or give them something they can do that can be useful (my usual trick is to tell them to go and check what desert they want from those on display) or give them some attention and play a game with them.
We have to model how to behave, although that can involve spending less time chatting to other adults and redirecting our children's energies.

(aunt of a very high energy and spirited boy who's spent several weeks in charge of him and his sibling as well as DS)

[Lweji]

dessert, even.

[bluebeck]

I doubt OP will be back!

I agree with PP, if it was just one smug mother of perfectly behaved Piers saying it then so what? But from your description, you are being told regularly that your childrens behaviour is extreme.

[FATEdestiny]

So... are you one of these people that insists they can keep other people's children controlled?

I wouldn't say anything rude like the comments you get, no matter how "spirited" their behaviour is.

However I am one of those Mums who sometimes steps in to help a Mum with children who are struggling to cope. I genuinely never know if I am being a busy-body and always feel bad afterwards. But I act on instinct.

I came to my car once and Mum in next car was crying and screaming into her mobile. I don't know why. 4/5 year old strapped into car seat, hanging out window clearly confused, anxious and distraught with how mum is behaving. I found a handful of haribios from my car looked to mum for acceptance and gave to child, with some reassuring words.

I worried if this was appropriate after the event. I was just trying to help.

I would also do things like if I saw a child being a bogger in the park, I'd actively try to include said child in a football kick around with my children to distract them from poor behaviour.

Or offer pencils and pad of paper out of my handbag to misbehaving children waiting around and bored.

I might start playing peep-boo or singing with a creating toddler in the doctors waiting room.

I might start a game of "10 points for a green car, 5 points for a red car" if there is a child being difficult and we are near a road. "I bet I can score more points than you" can even grab the attention of an older, say 10-11 year old.

I do all these sorts of things with random kids I don't know, or don't know very well. It's instinctive, the sorts of things I'd do with my children. I often worry after the event if I did the wrong thing, was too presumptive, inappropriate stranger danger and all that. , I really don't know

[BillSykesDog]

People tend not to comment unless bad behaviour is actually having a negative effect on them or their own children. Eg through their children being hurt, encouraged to do something dangerous or their property being damaged.