To Get Annoyed with people who always think they can keep my children under control..

[Blueflowers2011]

So... are you one of these people that insists they can keep other people's children controlled? Or do you get this said to you all the time... in a nutshell..

I have 2 boys, 5 and 3.5. Both great boys, lovely natured - they are mega energetic, highly demanding and always need something to be doing, playing with, climbing etc. Both me and DH have our work cut out but we do a pretty good job in general, in my opinion.

So when those, especially at the school gate keep insisting 'leave them with me for a few hours, they'll soon behave' or my husband wont allow any of that, just bring them round etc just annoys me sooooo much.

No - you cannot just turn on a button and control any child in a couple of hours, ours can be complex in their mad moments like any vibrant children and both myself and DH know what generally works and what doesnt. A few hours might do it but its not the same as 24/7.

Why do other people - and for me its the parents at my school with one child or extremely well behaved children - that just dont ever consider that other children may actually be different to theirs? It drives me mad.

So aibu to get so annoyed? I am close to snapping and saying something but of course that would be the wrong thing to do.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Blueflowers (just in case you are still reading).

On the face of it, the kind of comment you reported in your first post is very unusual.

Do a quick survey of other threads. People are usually very, very reticent to tell their friends that their kids' behaviour isn't acceptable.

I've read lots of threads over the years where people stood by while visiting children trashed their homes and said nothing for fear of giving offense.

It might be worth considering what happens directly before these comments. Were you commenting/complaining/worrying about your children's behaviour? (As all of us do sometimes) Were the comments a response to something you said? That might explain them.

Because if they were said out of the blue on several different occasions by several different people then you have consider that there's an issue.

Because that is very unusual, to the extent that I've never seen it happen.

[maisiejones]

Mega-energetic, highly demanding, vibrant, according to OP, so much so that others are commenting? I know what this says to me.

[RortyCrankle]

I don't know OP. Whist visiting friends, after my godson repeatedly bit and kicked people's shins, his parents' only response was to warble 'Oh Ryyyaaaann'' in a wimpy voice which did nothing.

Being kicked for the second time, I pinned his body to the floor and in a stern voice said 'you do not kick and bite people, do you understand' He nodded his head with the result of no more kicking or biting. So sometimes other people are better at keeping children under control than their parents.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Sorry OP some off the comments are probably a bit harsh. Some are quite true though, those aren't passing, throwaway comments by people. They are triggered by something and that something appears to be the behaviour of your children. They're not normal comments to make about decently behaved children, no matter how much you want to believe they are. That doesn't however mean they are brats, like certain individuals have said.

[JellyBelli]

I am close to snapping and saying something but of course that would be the wrong thing to do.
Do you tend to grit your teeth uintil its too late, then snap and blow up?
Say something smaller, sooner. Like' oh dear, do I look like I need a break?'

Consider the possibility that this is a pattern your family has fallen into. It could be your kids are pushing for the snap. It might be time to consider a change in the way you do things.

[KitKats28]

Children are not complex (usual disclaimer except if they have additional needs). Children as a species are actually quite simple. Feed them, house them, clothe them, love them, discipline them. That's really about it.

My oldest was a "little shit" however he was disciplined and kept in check. He liked screaming, biting and hitting. I didn't like any of those things, therefore he was strongly advised that it was unacceptable behaviour. He was such a pain in the arse partly due to speech delay and dyspraxia and he ended up going to a special needs nursery. However, I still had expectations of his behaviour. Don't piss off other people was the main one.

In spite of this, not one person ever told me they could do a better job, because we were seen to work on his issues. We didn't just shrug it off as spirited.

And yes, I probably could sort the OPs kids in an hour. It would only work while they were with me though, so it's a pointless exercise.

[wizzywig]

I know i was an utter pain in the arse to my parents. A total handful. But i was utterly bored all the time. They had an idea that girls should be quiet and 'nice' and i wanted adventure. Now i still love going out, have 3 high energy sen kids, 3 part time jobs plus studying, and i totally understand my kids, we are on the same wavelength.

[BlancheBlue]

Yeah OP - just report posts when people have replied to YOUR aibu with their opinion - I'm thinking you have confused AIBU with "let strangers blow smoke up my bum and agree my kids are "vibrant".com"

[wizzywig]

Ooh shit roarty. You are scary!

[TheCatsBiscuits]

Ha! Rorty you are clearly someone's black labrador, and the subject of a whole other AIBU.

'AIBU to allow my black labrador to discipline my friend's "vibrant" children? He has a strong sense of etiquette and a 100% success rate in instilling better behaviour.'

[contrary13]

As a formerly "vibrant" child... and nope, I can't help it, I'm still about the term... I can say that there is hope. I also behaved myself impeccably in school and for my grandparents (who engaged with me, rather than patronised me). But as Flossie said... horrific homelife. That's why I was as "vibrant" as I was. My parents veered between ignoring me (youngest child, 10 year age gap between me and the next sibling up, I knew I wasn't wanted), emotionally abusing me ("I went to the GP in NI and asked for tablets to 'bring on my period'"... ie, my mother tried to abort me... and I was told this at 3 years old upwards), and physically assaulting me (I had my nose broken by my own mother as a small child). I was also "vibrant" because I was incredibly angry about sexual abuse that went on periodically at the hands of an extended family member.

Children need to feel safe, and listened to. I didn't. At all. So I became "vibrant". I acted out.

But there's hope.

If the OP does return, I'd suggest that she speak to the family GP or HV about this issue. Because something is going on in her sons lives to cause relative strangers to comment about their bad behaviour. Whether they have underlying SN which haven't been picked up on, or if they're feeling out of control of an aspect of their lives in some way and are "vibrant" because, like me, they're angry about the fact no one's listening to/understanding them... no one here actually knows. Including the OP.

But children don't suddenly become naughty, or out of control, or "vibrant" for absolutely no reason. There's always a cause. Even if it's something as simple as "I like the blue bowl for my cereal, but most days Mum gives me the green, or the purple, or the orange bowls instead". A 5 and a 3 year old don't have the language skills to adequately express themselves, but part of being a parent is learning to listen to what their behaviour is telling you. And letting them know that they've been heard.

[Artandco]

Sorry but at 3 and 5 I would expect all children to behave to an extent.

I have a 5 year old. He has lots of energy. Spends his days cycling, climbing, swimming, running etc. But, he also knows when he can't do that. On a bus he can't run around shouting like he might do outside. In a restaurant he knows he has to sit patiently and talk or wait etc, not lay on floor or climb walls.

They need to know there's a time and a place for things. If they can sit at school lovely and work, then they should be able to do the same at home, in cafe, at friends or wherever.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Kittykittykitty5 11:49 p3.

You just explained my dp in a nut shell he cant sit still for 1 minute. He is a gas engineer and he is getting a second job working in substance misuse and childrens homes its agency work. Just so our dd can go to boarding school. I fear for him when he retires he gets bored very easily I hope he follows through with the accupuncture.

[RichByOtherMeans]

Do you charge by the hour roarty ? I could do with borrowing your services for my DC. If you could follow me whilst out in public I'd appreciate it

[ghostspirit]

im not so sure about the 3 year old they are still very little. but then i would not go to a restrant if my kids could not behave. i would probably wait till they are a little older.

[Catgotyourbrain]

WOW

I think there some very large Judgy pants here. Very.

That is my children. I have had so many of those conversations. Some of them meant from the heart with good intentions too. My children meet all of those descriptions. One of them has ADHD; but he wasn't diagnosed at that age. Sometimes I would be in tears at his behaviour in public.

I've been blamed, I've blamed myself, I've been through hell.

Any other parents/relatives have played the 'I'll sort him out' card. Sometimes he has indeed behaved fine (this is typical, its a well known phenomenon, and it doesn't mean the actual parent is doing it all wrong. It means the child has kept it together in unfamiliar situation and whiin a finite time in a place with finite boundaries - not business-as-usual with its complications and nuances).

Sometimes the friend/relative has fond it very difficult to cope with him. No more offers to ook after him/sort him out.

Lots of 'I wouldn't stand for that' comments.

As the OP said; they're not your kids. Some kids are hard work, require a lot of behavioural cues, and indeed, can't concentrate in certain situations.

Get a grip MNers

[Bluemoon49]

Agree with ZenMom - whether your children are indeed misbehaved or not, I don't think it's ever anyone else's business to make any sort of comment and I personally hate it when people try to discipline other's children. The OP was not asking whether or not her children sound badly behaved, they were asking if it is unreasonable to be annoyed at other's commenting on their behaviour.

YANBU

[FarAwayHills]

As PPs have said takes a lot for others to comment openly on other kids behaviour so the fact they are behaving badly enough in a way for others to comment means you should take notice.

[kali110]

Some of the replies may have been slightly harsh but you put it in aibu with that opening comment.
I'm also slightly confused that a 5 y/o can't sit in a restaurant for longer than 20 minutes

[RortyCrankle]

['grin] No, TheCatsBiscuts* I wasn't a black lab the last time I looked [woof].

RichbyOtherMeans bring them round to my place and I will mesmerize your darling children with my death stare and especially firm RP accent reserved for 'spirited, vibrant, mega energetic and/or highly demanding' children . I have been professionally assured that the resulting catatonic state isn't permanent.

Hahahaha

[WhatamessIgotinto]

What a strange thread.

No one has ever said that they would 'sort' my children out. Why on earth would they unless it was in response to unwanted/difficult behaviour? OP, in the nicest way, we all think our children are amazing but surely you can see that people just do not make these announcements about someone else's children without reason. I'm not saying they're right for saying it, but can you REALLY not see why they may do it?

My kids are awesome (obvs) but they can also be a total pain in the arse so I pull them up on it. The worst thing you can do for your children is to overlook their bad points (we all have them, I have loads!) and set them up for a fall when others don't see them as quite so perfect as you do.

[Mner]

OP has said she is not coming back but I think the lack of support on here is absolutely astounding and is why I normally avoid AIBU like the plague.

We have a son just like those of the OP and we have had similar remarks including parents who don't want their children to play with ours anymore. He can be beautifully behaved but equally he pushes things too far. Stressed beyond belief because of opinions like these on this thread and because we do enforce boundaries, we do give him ultimatums that are followed through etc. etc, we ended up at the health visitor last week for advice.

She told us to read Pink Brain, Blue Brain, a really good book by an expert in child psychology who critically evaluates all the data before saying that exuberance particularly in boys in completely normal. They are more likely to struggle with suppressing the need to run around and are more likely to struggle with empathy. My son is as bright as a button (nearly 5yr) but he cannot sit still, he does not empathise easily not because of my parenting skills but because he is still learning.

Just because your child sits down or follows instructions or behaves themselves does not mean that this is easy for all children. My main problem now is to find a way not give a shite what the other parents in the playground think. My son will get there - it just might take him a little longer but who cares. He has plenty of other amazing qualities that judgmental people on here will never see, and that is their problem not mine.

[ghostspirit]

mner i agree.

i have said had it said to me as well and i know my kids well behaved. but its said to me by a persons kids who seem like robots to me. maybe they are not but thats how it seems. but then maybe they think im the other extreme

[MerchantofVenice]

This thread is definitive proof (as if we needed it!) that MN is a coven of absolute witches.

There might be problems with the OP's kids - but it's hard to tell from so few words and a couple of vague, totally subjective examples.

What is clear is the sheer GLEE some posters are experiencing at being able to pour scorn on someone else's parenting. Best of all are the posts beginning 'Sorry OP...' Sorry? ! You couldn't be less sorry if you'd won the frigging lottery.

No wonder OP came back all defensive - what do you expect?!

Nasty, nasty responses.

[ghostspirit]

i cant help but think its done on purpose not just this thread others to.