To Get Annoyed with people who always think they can keep my children under control..

[Blueflowers2011]

So... are you one of these people that insists they can keep other people's children controlled? Or do you get this said to you all the time... in a nutshell..

I have 2 boys, 5 and 3.5. Both great boys, lovely natured - they are mega energetic, highly demanding and always need something to be doing, playing with, climbing etc. Both me and DH have our work cut out but we do a pretty good job in general, in my opinion.

So when those, especially at the school gate keep insisting 'leave them with me for a few hours, they'll soon behave' or my husband wont allow any of that, just bring them round etc just annoys me sooooo much.

No - you cannot just turn on a button and control any child in a couple of hours, ours can be complex in their mad moments like any vibrant children and both myself and DH know what generally works and what doesnt. A few hours might do it but its not the same as 24/7.

Why do other people - and for me its the parents at my school with one child or extremely well behaved children - that just dont ever consider that other children may actually be different to theirs? It drives me mad.

So aibu to get so annoyed? I am close to snapping and saying something but of course that would be the wrong thing to do.

Because "My kids are spirited, energetic and vibrant" is usually code for "I don't believe in disciplining them".

This!!!

OP, if multiple people are commenting on your children's behaviour (which is not normal) then perhaps look at the common demonominator here.

Lol at society needing Bear Grylls :)

Bear Grylls is an arrogant arse! (I've met him. [angry)

Whilst I have to confess to being very about the term "vibrant" when used to describe the OP's children, I also suspect that I know what she means.

Because whilst I behaved outside of the home/immediate family, as a child, whilst I was seen as docile, and quiet, and "the ideal child"... I certainly had my moments of causing havoc. I behaved outside of the home/immediate family because I was threatened, constantly, with physical violence by my mother. With my brothers and my grandparents, my aunt and my uncles, though... I could be me. I threw myself down stairs, off seven foot high assault course walls, off swings at their highest point onto concrete (child of the '70s, here, no safety rubber tarmac surfaces...). I disappeared for hours as a four year old across rural countryside, and was frequently returned by the guards on our estate for trying to escape it. I was undoubtedly "a vibrant child" in many ways... but I was also a very frightened, very angry, very misunderstood child.

Now though, now that I'm older, several of my friends like to leave their "vibrant" children with me, because they know that I can get them to behave themselves for a few hours (and give them a break). Want to know how I do that?

I engage with them.

It really is as simple as that. As a PP said, when children are encouraged to mop up their own spilled drinks, pour their own sauces, etc., they tend to respond to that. Children are children are children... but they're also expecting to learn how to be responsible from the adults in their lives. So when my friends dump leave their "vibrant" children with me, I make sure that I spend however long they're in my care for, talking with (not to) them, and doing things with them. It can be something as simple as baking cakes, or painting a picture, or letting them hold the lead of my elderly (and extremely tolerant) dog on a walk. Anything that gives them the impression that they have choices, and they have responsibility, and there's an adult in their lives who doesn't think that just because they're children they ought to be spoken down to/ignored.

Which, sadly, their parents do... as did mine, to me, actually.

Engage with your children OP, even if only in a different way, and you might find your friends/other mothers at the school gates stop telling you that they can get your "vibrant" little darlings to behave where you seemingly cannot.

for you, though, because we "vibrant" individuals aren't easy...

Having had 13 years of working with pre-school children I know that some children are much easier to control than others. Some were no trouble at all and just needed an occasional word to keep things running smoothly, some were very hard work, sometimes I felt these children acted as they did because there was a lack of discipline coming from their parents but often it would be that they were just live wires and sometimes there would be an underlying issue such as ASD, ADHD or family problems. I don't think anyone should judge others without knowing the full circumstances so I think YANBU to be annoyed. It was actually these children who I preferred working with as they made the job much more interesting than all the little angels.

Being... yes; yes he is.

(Also met him and was disgusted by the fact that he thinks he's God's Gift to the world...)

I'm at the school gates for my kids most days. There are some kids there waiting that are energetic, vibrant, highly demanding, they are lovely kids but they're still running around, hurtling into buggies, smaller kids standing, people who are slightly more unstable on their feet, pregnant, they climb trees which aren't ready to be climbed, try and scale the school gate. I've never felt the need to say anything, however if several people are mentioning your children's behaviour to you, it's time to have an honest look at it.

As parents I think we always see the best in our children.

My ten year old is good as gold but my three year old can be a nightmare.

She was ten weeks prem and had development delay at the minute she's too young too say whether there's any additional needs or whether she's just going through a very long phase.

We've been given a support worker which has helped us deal with her behaviour better would that be an option for you op?

The best thing is mine looks like an angel and behaves beautifully in public. At home she can be a fucking nightmare.

being - your posts and your username have given me a chuckle this morning

Bear Grylls is an evil wicked animal abusing and killing cunt.

Ah MN at it's finest on page 1 .

My kids are spirited little souls too. It is exhausting. I suggest the book "Raising your spirited child" it helped me a lot.

I think you do get a variety of dc personality types with differing energy levels. And different strategies work with different dc.

And it's easy for people who don't have a dc like yours to assume it's down to poor parenting. I have heard people openly admit that they just didn't realise until they had child no 2.

It would be helpful op if you gave an example of what they're doing that somebody else's dh wouldn't allow I think. It's hard to say otherwise.

I don't care if Bear Grylls murders fluffy bunnies when his supreme smugness is enough to make me want to poke him in the eye. Ray Mears on the other hand...

OP, maybe AIBU wasn't the best place for this and I hope that some of the more nasty replies haven't upset you. However I'm inclined to agree that, if you're getting more than the occasional comment about your children's behaviour, you may need to do a bit of soul searching.
DS1's behaviour between age 1-4 was beyond appalling. There were honestly times when I thought about putting him into respite care as I was worried that I was going to end up seriously hurting him. Our HV referred him for a paediatric assessment as his behaviour was so extreme.He got his GCSE results today and he got 3 A*s, 5 A's and 3 B's. He's an utter delight and hasn't given us any bother as a teenager, I honestly think that he got it all out of his system as a toddler.
Children are so different - some are just naturally 'easy' to parent and, if you have children like that, it's very easy to be judgemental of parents who have more difficult children. Me and my 2 siblings were all incredibly easy, biddable children. My DM was completely thrown by my DS1 (and she's a primary school teacher) and did eventually accept that he was just difficult and that his behaviour wasn't down to bad parenting.

Bee, I aim to please.

i have only glanced at the thread so really just replying to the first op. when people say let me have them for a few hours they will son behave. i hate that kids behave differenly for their parents to what they do other people anyway. they are different at school to what they are at home etc.

it also depends what you mean i guess sometimes things are ok for some but not others and visa versa.

i know of parents that i thnk they let them run riot and dont know how to behave according to where they are. but then i know other parents where their kids seem scared of doing anything wrong.

miss my now 19 year old was such an ace child then she turned 13 and hell broke loose :o she only just starting to turn the corner now... my now 6 year old has been a total pain in the butt im hoping she will be an ace teenager

let them then

but being serious-what does complex mean do they have sn?

I've heard this too. Not from lots of people but certain ones over and over. My son is autistic and possibly has adhd too just to add to the fun. The most annoying part is at least one of these friends actually means it in a "nice" way. As is in she genuinely thinks she'd be doing me a favour. That actually hurts more.

Thanks massively to those with supportive comments - the rest does not apply to you.

I am seriously quite astounded by the rest of you who labelled me and my children as 'brats, annoying the shit/fuck out of everyone, pains in the arse and those parents'. How seriously rude of you.

I was simply looking for some perspective or advice, not dismissive or seriously nasty comments.

my boys - yes - vibrant!! Smiley face!! ???? At school - perfectly behaved, teachers say they are great to teach, totally not disruptive. Otherwise out of school need constant stimulation, run around, climb trees, want to play, will not sit in a restuarant longer than 20 mins. All pretty normal stuff imov- but constant.

People do not avoid us, they pretty much get invited to things all the time by the class and we find their friends and parents are quite happy to come back to our house all the time. So not sure where you are going with those comments.

Those of you believing they can just 'get them under control' are seriously deluded. You do not have the same child. We raise our boys with strong parenting and ethic, we have a strong family network so I know there is no issue with the way we bring up our children and doing the best we can.

So do you naturally get a kick out of being nasty to others in life who you should actually be a bit more helpful and supportive to? Or did you learn your manners off your little shits and brats whilst annoying the fuck out of everyone else you meet along the way?

You will not mind me labelling your children in the same way, after all it's perfectly acceptable language right?

Yep, will be reporting selective ones off this post too.

You obviously missed something in your own upbringing to respond to a person like this, I hope your children grow to be more intelligent than you, rather than their vulgar parents.

See ya.

(I will not watch this thread any more so any comments will be unread from my side)

I have two very lively, energetic boys (3.9 and nearly 1). The 3yo is constantly running, jumping, singing, interrupting to ask questions and the baby has been walking for 6 weeks already so my attention is very much divided.

They both, especially ds1, have their "mad moments" however I've never had anyone - even relatives i have elderly child free ones, too, so this isn't a politeness thing - tell me that I need help to teach them discipline

I agree with other posters, maybe a close look at how you manage them would be a good idea

Perhaps Bear Grylls was a poor example LOL, but my post still stands.

We raise our boys with strong parenting and ethic, we have a strong family network so I know there is no issue with the way we bring up our children

Of course you do, which is why multiple people are telling you you need to control their behaviour?

But if they are well behaved in school and not when you are looking after them, surely that proves the point?