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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed?!

30 replies

whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 01:33

Date planned with a guy who is a doctor. The plan was for me to text him when I was free... I messaged saying "how are you? Are you about this weekend?", reply was: "working in [xyz department] all weekend [sad emoji]".

I replied saying "oh no!!" Normally would be more chatty but it has been a really struggle trying to arrange this! When I'm free he's working and when he is, it's short notice and I'm not...

Aibu to just leave it? We have seen each other before, a while back. I can't help but feel like if he was into me, he would be going out of his way more to arrange it?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 01:33

We also live not too close by to each other. I feel like this is not going to work I kind of wanted it to though BlushConfused

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Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 01:35

Quick replies appreciated as I'm pissed off Angry

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Witchend · 25/08/2016 01:38

Well what do you expect him to do if he's working? He can't just say he's not going in-and if he dud then he's likely to be flaky in other,ways, including with you.

hazeimcgee · 25/08/2016 01:40

Do you believe her really is working?
Do you really like him?

Perhaps have a chat about do you both think this is worth the effort

DropYourSword · 25/08/2016 01:41

Doctors often work insane hours and virtually never finish on time. If this is pissing you off already I'd leave it, because it's not going to get easier!

Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 01:44

No no it's not so much that it's pissing me off, it's because he messaged me about 8 weeks ago to meet and it still hasn't happened..

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Mummyshortlegz · 25/08/2016 01:44

i would make one effort with a list of dates you could do for the next four weeks. If he can't make it work or offer alternatives then wish him well and move on.

Smurfit · 25/08/2016 01:46

Doctors work pretty antisocial hours. Unless you're horrendously busy yourself - I would ask him for a selection of times when he is going to be free and see if I could make one work.

If not, then move on. Logistics sometimes just aren't on your side

PointlessUsername · 25/08/2016 01:54

Let him know the days you are free and he can then see if his match?

Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 02:56

Thanks, all good suggestions.

Yes I feel like he really is working. I am just annoyed because it is generally me saying, well how about this weekend? And he is then not free...

First time I asked, he was off! But was too short notice and he couldn't make it. Then he asked with one day notice. Now I asked again and he's not free but hasn't offered any alternatives/asked a single question about me... After gap of a couple of weeks of no communication.

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Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 03:00

Aibu to think he's just not that into me?

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TheWitTank · 25/08/2016 03:38

Sorry, I don't think this one is going anywhere. It's true that doctors work incredible hours, but the non-communication generally and lack of offered dates/times shows he isn't that bothered. I would leave the ball in his court and move on.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2016 03:44

Definitely leave the ball in his court.

If he doesn't make a move within the next couple of weeks, forget it.

Do NOT initiate again! Trust me on this.

HicDraconis · 25/08/2016 03:53

Most doctors date doctors or nurses for this reason - it's so difficult for someone who isn't working these sorts of hours under this sort of pressure to understand. It's a very special person who is non medical but can cope with being in a relationship with a medic (thankfully I am married to one of them!)

I would like to catch up with my family - who live in the same town, who have kids the same age as mine, one of whom works in the same hospital I do - and we can't find a weekend where I am not working and they are not busy for at least the next 3 months.

This week I worked 8-7:30 Monday, 8-6:30 Tuesday, 8am Wednesday to 8am Thursday, started 8am Thursday (yes, after a 24h call shift), and will finish around 7pm tonight, then I am back in 8am tomorrow and working through till around 7 again. Next week I get to do the same thing except my 24h shifts are Friday and Sunday (with 10h days minimum Monday-Thursday and hopefully some time to sleep on Saturday), starting again 8am Monday (finishing the Sunday call shift 8am Monday)...

If anyone wants me to go out at all during the week this week or next week I would be completely unable to. My only free day next week is Saturday and I will just be too tired to be good company. I usually try and get an hour's training in a day and I haven't been able to at all with the daft hours.

In the UK it's even worse, because they're so short of juniors (cheers Jeremy!) that the ones they have are being asked to work longer hours and more shifts to make up the gaps in the roster.

This weekend is too short notice for him. You'll need to do as someone suggested up thread and message him with a list of dates you're available over the next couple of months. If after that he doesn't find any time suitable to meet up then you're right, maybe he isn't that into you.

Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 08:24

Thanks, really interesting perspective.

I am busy myself but happy to be accommodating/not bothered about having anything too serious right now - so if the person is right then I can slot in to see them. That's fine.

Basically he contacted me a while back to meet up and it still hasn't happened (long story but partly my fault why, logistics and distance but this is becoming easier) and although I do think he is quite naturally shy, I feel like he could explain things off his own bat a bit? Eg I'm working all weekend, things are really crazy now for the next few weeks but I would still like to see you (or whatever)...

I'm not a mind reader, I can't just keep suggesting dates and times on the off-chance he is free, especially given that this is supposed to be a getting-to-know-you-again-after-a-few-months drink... We are still getting to know each other Confused

I don't reaaaaally care as it's such early days but i feel like if it's taking this long to arrange, nothing will happen! Which is fine but I'd rather know now, than keep texting like a mug...

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Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 08:26

To be fair to him it has been my fault too why we haven't been able to meet, so I do take responsibility. But it's his messaging style I'm annoyed with, literally a one-line text back?!

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Mummaaaaaah · 25/08/2016 08:49

He's just not that into you! I would leave it. Plenty more fish and all that.

Zippidydoodah · 25/08/2016 08:54

With your last text "oh no!" Youve definitely left the ball in his court, so leave it at that. He'll get in touch if he wants to!

PS I'm still stunned at the hours doctors are expected to work, and make life/death decisions.

Pineapplemilkshake · 25/08/2016 08:59

I would agree with those who said, leave the ball in his court. I remember well the days of being a junior doctor, and that was when 80-100 hour weeks were the norm. It still didn't stop me from dating, socialising, having holidays etc. I think if he was keen, he would be texting more along the lines of "sorry I'm busy this weekend but what about Wednesday night" if sonethibg like that.

It does sound like he's not that into you, sorry as I remember well how stressful online dating can be.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 25/08/2016 09:01

I'd let it go. Years ago I had a first date with a female police officer (met online) who worked a particular shift pattern of so many day shifts, so many night shifts, so many days off, occasionally being sent to assist another force. It took ages to find a time that we could have the first date, which went really well (one of those meet for a drink that ended up going onto dinner) and both agreed we wanted a second date. It was another four weeks before it was possible. I knocked it on the head after that. I always said I didn't want a long distance relationship and this would have been like one, despite the fact she only lived four miles away.

LotsOfShoes · 25/08/2016 09:01

If he had been keen, he would have suggested a time. This way he's just stringing you along. I'd leave it, it's not going anywhere.

LotsOfShoes · 25/08/2016 09:01

Sorry, that sounded really harsh.

Original poster
whatmoredoyouwantfromme · 25/08/2016 11:16

No no I agree. It's annoying cos I feel like he's very keen IRL, and I'm confused as to why he bothered to even arrange to see me in the first place after months and months away. But I don't really care, I'm just fed up of akways being the one to give the benefit of the doubt, does that make sense?

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Booboodapest · 25/08/2016 17:49

Feel your pain OP!

george1020 · 25/08/2016 17:56

One last chance sending him a choice of say 4 dates?
Otherwise it sounds like a no go unfortunately but plenty more fish and all that!

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