Aibu to wish my parents were more generous

[Moomoomango]

My parents are very wealthy - retired - own 4 rental properties - including one that we live in (paying rent). I have no idea how much there net worth is but I would guesstimate between 1.5-2 million. They worked hard for it, benefited from investing in property at the right time and I have learnt greatly from them about work ethic and ambition. I admire them.

We are not in any debt - we live within our means, but as with most young families we struggle from time to time. With all the school uniform, shoes, swimming lessons etc we are running a little low and asked if we could pay the rent 3 days late, when our cash flow would be in a better position as I would have been paid. My dad was not very happy at all. I feel awkward and awful. I hate to ask for anything as the response is usually very negative.

My parents will often say how they have so much money they can never spend it all, but will happily sit and listen to me concerned over how I'm going to afford school shoes or my new glasses. I try not to say anything now and keep very quiet about my financial situation.
Aibu to think it would be nice for my parents to be more generous? To be ok with the rent 3 days late (they don't rely on it at all the money just accumulates) or to offer a tenner to help with kids shoes?

They are incredibly tight - often birthday and Christmas presents for the kids are from charity shops.

I don't want to sound like I think they should give me money because I know full well it's there money and I'm a grown woman who can stand on my own feet. I care for my disabled partner and work part time. So we are not exactly high earners!

Sound really mean. My mum would give her last penny to my brother or I if we were short. But I think some folk are just like that unfortunately.

My PILs are like this. my dh and I had our children in our twenties, and the PILs disapproved of our choices. Fair enough, although we were married and both working (things that are important to them).

They have never helped us in any way. No babysitting, no gifts of money, nothing. We've never expected it, but in the early days when we were struggling for money it would have been appreciated. They are very well off, several rental properties, luxurious holidays etc etc. My parents are much less well off but bought school shoes occasionally, bought nice birthday presents etc.

PILs never gave any Xmas pressies to us adults, and charity shop gifts for the dcs. Their choices of course, we never asked for help and it was never offered. Two years ago I gave up work after a breakdown. They see this as weakness, so more disapproval. We live within our means and don't need or ask for help. Just as well!

Dh's 2 siblings had children much later than us, this is approved of and PILs have made this clear to us.

Now PILs are starting to give away some of their money, mostly to avoid IHT. They are in their late eighties and admit they have far more money than they could ever spend, even if they needed residential care.

They have set up regular direct debits to DH's siblings 'to help out while they have small children'. Our dcs are now young adults so we 'don't need it'. To be honest, if they gave us money now, we would give it to our children anyway. They are starting out, struggling to run a car to get to work, or struggling with housing costs. We help them as much as we can but now I'm not working it's hard.

I find it hard not to resent PILs, especially as we live closest to them and are expected to help them in practical ways (cleaning, helping with shopping etc). We do help of course, but I'd do it more willingly if I felt more warmly towards them. They don't see that they have been unfair at all.

We've managed, maybe it's been good for us to manage alone, but they have forfeited a loving relationship with their son and his family, and for the sake of a little forethought and kindness. I couldn't do that to my children.

YANBU I think everyone should give as much as they are able to afford. From what you've described I think it was very odd not to accept rent 3 days late. Most landlords/ladies would accept a one-off late rent payment as long as it is agreed in advance, so your parents definitely should do as they are family.

Even people in the hardest of financial situations would normally try to save for birthday/Christmas presents and only go to charity shops if they have to, so I think it's very weird for your parents to do that.

Your parents sound like a pair of miserable fucks.

Yep.

You say they have worked hard for their money - may be they expect you to be able to make your own way in the world without their help?

how sad is this if my daughter was doing her best to look after a disabled hubby and two children while holding down a job .i would probably be more proud of her than if she was some high flyer ,i would just be glad to give my child a roof over her head and would never even think of taking rent .money is all fine and dandy to be left money as an inheritance but not if you need it now .and what grandmother would not just buy the school shoes and the birthday present.
thats fine if say they were just toddlers who knew no better but otherwise its just tight as heck

They shouldn't be charging rent at all.
Fab your brother has a great job but maybe he hasn't has family disability/illness to contend with. Seems without help it's a sure way to staying in poverty for most.
If I was loaded to that tune I would be helping all my family out nephews, nieces, siblings as well as DC. Would love to see them enjoying/benefiting from it.

Lucie you need to stop all this help and step back!

They sound miserable and miserly.

Oh goodness I feel your pain. My parents were the same. Not rich but very comfortable and I am so different with my children I love giving them stuff and helping out. When my husband lost his job many years ago I think my mum was more embarrassed than helpful. We had charity shop clothes sent to us and there were times when we were actually hungry. I don't exaggerate. What I learned was that I would be different with my kids. All I can say to you is don't grieve over what you don't have ie generous parents, be happy with your own family unit and look after yourself.

I don't get the argument that you shouldn't expect your parents to be generous. I have a toddler and a baby on the way but as they grown, if I have it, they can have it. I would hate to see my children (or any of my family or friends) really struggling, and if I was sitting on a large amount of money I would feel morally obliged to help out. I would also hate it if my children grew up and thought that they had to go elsewhere for help. I want to be able to treat my family.

I also disagree with the pp who said that this kind of attitude comes from living hand to mouth. My parents have always worked hard in low jobs but been exceptionally generous to me. However they were always the one's who saved their money so that they didn't live hand to mouth.

My parents have 11 brothers and sisters between them and they were always the one's who family would turn to for 'loans', help if they were in trouble or if they couldn't pay bills etc. My parents would pay for school clothes for nieces and nephews, phone bills, food etc and if my parents were getting rid of clothes, furniture, it would always go to a family member.

I know for a fact that my mother would be appalled at your parents. My parents generosity has pushed me to be more financially independent, it has pushed me to work hard to achieve things and made me strive to be better at things because I want to prove to my parents that their generosity was appreciated and valued. I could and would never be mean with my children and people who are mean with money tend to be people I don't like being around as they are usually mean hearted too.

They sound ridiculously tight. As tight as a 'gnat's chuff' as my brother would say. I know people will say it's their money but I do think parents should help out family. When my kids are adults I'll do all I can to help them, without encouraging over-dependency. This just sounds like meanness though.

I am guessing there is more to this than meets the eye? It would be interesting to hear parents view, do they like your partner? Did you follow a different path than expected after school etc?