Aibu to wish my parents were more generous

[Moomoomango]

My parents are very wealthy - retired - own 4 rental properties - including one that we live in (paying rent). I have no idea how much there net worth is but I would guesstimate between 1.5-2 million. They worked hard for it, benefited from investing in property at the right time and I have learnt greatly from them about work ethic and ambition. I admire them.

We are not in any debt - we live within our means, but as with most young families we struggle from time to time. With all the school uniform, shoes, swimming lessons etc we are running a little low and asked if we could pay the rent 3 days late, when our cash flow would be in a better position as I would have been paid. My dad was not very happy at all. I feel awkward and awful. I hate to ask for anything as the response is usually very negative.

My parents will often say how they have so much money they can never spend it all, but will happily sit and listen to me concerned over how I'm going to afford school shoes or my new glasses. I try not to say anything now and keep very quiet about my financial situation.
Aibu to think it would be nice for my parents to be more generous? To be ok with the rent 3 days late (they don't rely on it at all the money just accumulates) or to offer a tenner to help with kids shoes?

They are incredibly tight - often birthday and Christmas presents for the kids are from charity shops.

I don't want to sound like I think they should give me money because I know full well it's there money and I'm a grown woman who can stand on my own feet. I care for my disabled partner and work part time. So we are not exactly high earners!

Ok so I guess I mean that it's not reasonable to put expectations on how someone, anyone, should spend their money.

OP said she had a cash flow problem and struggles with school shoes so I'm only going by what she said. If she's living beyond her means she needs to review her finances and act accordingly. Not expect/hope her parents should bail her out.

I understand where posters are coming from saying I should assess my finances. It's just been an expensive month with new school uniforms, shoes and summer holidays. Maybe I should have budgeted better for this - I can learn from that and make better provisions for next year.

My parents are brilliant people, and I do believe they purposefully don't want to give money to incentivise me to do better in life, but as it stands I'm working as much as I can whilst looking after everyone.

I don't ever want to be reliant on my parents, but I do know if I was minted and my parents struggled I would dig deep in my pockets.

The buying from charity shops does sound like they may be overdoing the frugality.

My father was very "careful" with money, he accumulated a fair amount, though from a low-paying job so was never rich. As a result my mother is now (after his death) the wealthiest member of her retirement community. She's giving away large chunks of money to grandchildren.

So look on the bright side, the "careful" never spend on themselves, their "carefulness" usually benefits their family, eventually.

OP have you been late with rent before?

I agree that it isn't particularly helpful of the father to insist the tent should be on time but perhaps he's been bitten before? Perhaps it would cause him a cash flow problem? Perhaps the rental only just covers the mortgage(s)? Perhaps they have huge costs to pay out for for something else? Who knows! What is certain is that it's their money and how they spend it is entirely down to them. IMVHO the problem here is more the OP's expectations than the parents' lack of 'generosity'....

It seems to me the OP has very low expectations of her parents. With good reason.

Smellysauraus - they own all properties out right - no mortgages. I've never paid the rent late, we've always been very good at keeping up with it. We are also in my eyes very low maintenance tenants. They have no financial issues - evident when they say they could never spend all the money the have even if they tried. Perhaps you are right - maybe it is my expectation - hence this post. I have no problem with someone telling me it's me not them. I just wondered how others feel? I would never mention this to them

Have you had a conversation with them about all of this, OP? I don't say this lightly - I know that type of conversation can be tough. But what would they say to you, do you think, if you said to them everything that's in this thread?

I am very surprised that you are living in your parent's flat and paying full rent. I would expect it to be reduced rate or free. As for not helping you out with other things, sounds very strange. They sound like very selfish and unkind people. Never ceases to amaze me what weird families people on MN seem to have! Then again everyone is different I suppose.

But no, YANBU

If you get paid on the same date each month, could you ask if you can change the date the rent comes out to be the same day?

If you're not great at budgeting, then having to keep enough in your account until 3 days before payday for rent is quite tricky.

But if rent (and other bills) comes out on your payday, then you know what you have left to last the month for spending on school uniforms, holiday activities etc. Easier to keep track.

Yanbu moomoo. On these type of threads about parental tightness/disinterest people always pop up to excuse the parents. Of course it's easier to make those excuses than address the possibility some parents are selfish and care less than others.

Never ceases to amaze me what weird families people on MN seem to have!

Amazes me too. Some very cold families out there.

Lobster crumble - I could never talk to them about this. It would only lead to them thinking I'm irresponsible with money and looking down on me. I want them to see me as a responsible adult. I just wish they could want to help me. They do have my son 1 day a week - which they enjoy, and so I do benefit in that way, however if they didn't want him I wouldn't ask them to have him. I generally work in the evenings so don't need to rely on them for childcare. I'm finding myself withdrawing very much. I don't like feeling this way, it's just naturally happenings :(

Moomoo I do feel for you. They are on the face of it being a bit tight. And yes it would be lovely if they decided to help you out financially but it seems they are not going to. Their money, their choice and there's not really too much you can do about it. They obviously have their reasons for not feeling obliged to give you money, but it really doesn't make a difference as to what those reasons are.

It's great that you will learn from this experience in terms of managing your cash flow.

But stop torturing (but extreme maybe!) yourself about why and that it would be nice if they did. They aren't going to / don't want to. And in the nicest possible way you need to accept it....

My Gran who's nearly 100 saves her pennies in a jar and gives them to me to buy school shoes every August because she knows how expensive they are and she want s to help - she feels that this is what her mother sis to help her and she's passing it on - a kind of 'pay it forward' -

They aren't paying it forward!

You need to get two back accounts one bill and rent - one other spending -

I'd have accepted the shoes as gifts - because ultimately they need shoes for school -

Moomoomango

Changing the subject a bit but as your DP is disabled and you are a carer are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? PIP/ ESA /Carer's allowance?
Have you had a carers assessment? Not sure if it happens everywhere but in my area Carers are given a personal budget.

I'd have accepted the shoes as gifts - because ultimately they need shoes for school
Yes I would have done that too - presumably they would have been new and not some old tat from the charity shop. Then with the money you saved from not having to buy school shoes yourself you could have bought them an extra present so the DC didn't feel hard done by.

If they've spent 30 or 40 years doing everything in their power to drive their balance up, those habits could be very ingrained and it might be very difficult to change.

I think that people who live hand-to-mouth often find it easier to give money away, and I don't think it's just because they're in a better position to empathise with the person they're giving it to. I think their relationship with money may be very different. Maybe for them it's a stream flowing past, if they don't divert it in one direction it will depart from them in another. In contrast, the millionaires have built a dam that they're constantly striving to keep as full as possible. Giving money away directly contradicts their mission objective.

They're not mean, they're treating you like the adult that you actually are. Why should they give you any money? Its not as if you're hungry or homeless is it?
Talk about entitlement....

Why is there always someone dying the shove the boot in? The OP sounds a bit sad. She doesn't sound 'entitled'.

Totally mean and miserable. Presents from the charity shop? Tell them to take a flying fuck. They also charge you for a house that they own? Did i pick it up right that they don't discount it? Shoes for birthdays? Oh dear. You want to pay your rent 3 days late and they are not happy? Tbh, i am wondering why you are even still living in a house that they own.? Maybe they think they are doing you a favour renting you out their home. Think i would hate that. I would get out. Do your own thing and yes, keep in touch but break the parental ties and be completely self reliant by getting your own house to live in. It will avoid a great deal of disapointment on your behalf. and you won't feel beholden.

I think that people who live hand-to-mouth often find it easier to give money away, and I don't think it's just because they're in a better position to empathise with the person they're giving it to. I think their relationship with money may be very different. Maybe for them it's a stream flowing past, if they don't divert it in one direction it will depart from them in another. In contrast, the millionaires have built a dam that they're constantly striving to keep as full as possible. Giving money away directly contradicts their mission objective.

That's a really interesting point!

I know a few people like your DPs, millions in the bank and still shopping for bargains and buying from charity shops. Unfortunately the habit of penny pinching and being tight is a lifelong habit that's hard to break. It's daft really because after all the hard work accumulating wealth they are afraid to enjoy it and the only ones to benefit from this will be HMRC.

Do they have a financial adviser? Could your DB talk to them to seek some IHT planning advice?

Tight arses
I think I'd give notice and rent elsewhere personally! Let's hope that money comes to
You in inheritance rather than to a care home one day

Pay them the rent asap and accept the offer of new shoes as a present. Everything changes.

It seems that the rent situation is their bugbear. The shoes - well they're not a gift as such but if that's what they want to give.

Enjoy your young family. It doesn't sound like your parents will change.