Aibu to wish my parents were more generous

[Moomoomango]

My parents are very wealthy - retired - own 4 rental properties - including one that we live in (paying rent). I have no idea how much there net worth is but I would guesstimate between 1.5-2 million. They worked hard for it, benefited from investing in property at the right time and I have learnt greatly from them about work ethic and ambition. I admire them.

We are not in any debt - we live within our means, but as with most young families we struggle from time to time. With all the school uniform, shoes, swimming lessons etc we are running a little low and asked if we could pay the rent 3 days late, when our cash flow would be in a better position as I would have been paid. My dad was not very happy at all. I feel awkward and awful. I hate to ask for anything as the response is usually very negative.

My parents will often say how they have so much money they can never spend it all, but will happily sit and listen to me concerned over how I'm going to afford school shoes or my new glasses. I try not to say anything now and keep very quiet about my financial situation.
Aibu to think it would be nice for my parents to be more generous? To be ok with the rent 3 days late (they don't rely on it at all the money just accumulates) or to offer a tenner to help with kids shoes?

They are incredibly tight - often birthday and Christmas presents for the kids are from charity shops.

I don't want to sound like I think they should give me money because I know full well it's there money and I'm a grown woman who can stand on my own feet. I care for my disabled partner and work part time. So we are not exactly high earners!

Well at least they won't be turning to you when they are old and infirm. I've in-laws like yours. For this YEAR to date, all my dcs got from their grand-parents were 9 tiny chocolate squares, one dress and one small box of lego. And that was for their birthday. They are so fucking tight it's outrageous. And that will be it until Christmas. Nevermind the ££ I spend on afternoon tea, lunches, dinners and bbq hostings for them which I'm slowly stopping now.

Whereas my mum will ship over boxes of surprises for my kids. Clothes, food, wipes, bedding. We are not rich and neither are we poor. However, my mum loves to spoil her grandchildren. And my dad gives £5 cash each time he sees the grandkids to put in their money box for 'savings'.

I honestly think a lot of grandparents have completely forgotten how much it costs to bring up children and quite honestly, something like some new socks or a pair of tights would go a long long way. And yes this is a grandparent bashing (maybe it's a white English thing as in my culture, the English grandparent fold are infamous for being mega-tight and I see this across my spectrum of friends who are white/English--sorry that's mega-racist and probably not true - I know!!!)

If I have grandchildren, I'll make sure they are treated like grandchildren and not something that is just seen!

This makes me so sad. I know if I needed money my mum would bend over backwards to help me. Iv also lent money to her before and neither of us are rich.
My nan is quite well off. She doesn't give us thousands or anything extreme but she is generous on birthdays/ Christmas/if we go to visit etc. I always appreciate it. I just can't get my head around not wanting help someone you love

Sorry op yadnbu

U are still her child however old u are. She should want your life to be enjoyable and stress free! And if she can make it so then she should bloody make it so!! Not about pounds and pence just loving your 'child' enough to make their life fabulous if u can!!

YANBU. They are being mean. Our DPS are well off but not got £2million!
They are often giving us and the DC money so they can see us benefit. We will with our DC.
It's not entitled it's being generous and helping the people you love out.

They're really mean! It's not you at all, OP - they don't sound reasonable with money.

I agree with other posters that some people have a thing about leaving inheritances, when actually being penny-pinching and then hoping your kids will love you for leaving them a chunk of cash when you're dead seems bonkers to me. Why not help out when your kids need it, and have a warm relationship with them as a result, rather than cause resentment and jockeying about who might inherit what? In my experience the people who do this are often looking forward to a bit of emotional manipulation when they're older, e.g. having people hanging on their wishes for fear of their inheritances. My grandmother was like this, very early started demanding visits from relatives with the explicit threat that they'd be cut out of her will if they refused - it's not a nice trait!

Some people are so bonkers about money. It's all very well saying that the wealthy get that way by being thrifty, but wealthy people invariably spend out on things they want when they want them. A friend of mine's husband is really wealthy and collects antiques and vintage cars. She has had to give up work because she has become disabled and he won't give her any money for anything he perceives as frivolous or as "her expenses", such as buying birthday presents for her friends or clothes. He often makes her walk more than she should because he complains taxis are too expensive and he never buys a round because he's "worried about money" - but he always has a new antique watch or an expensive gadget he's bought for himself.

I personally can't understand why some people have their financial priorities so oddly arranged! People who are tight with family and friends despite being well off are deeply annoying. It's all very well to say they can spend their money how they like, but there's something about being so blind to your own situation and how others see you that is very very weird.

I think it s unkind of the G parents. Even if, they plan to leave it all to you when they die, why would they see you hard up now?! How unkind and harsh.
I would have thought if they didn't need the income they could let you live rent free TBH. It s not like they don't have other income coming in.
Have you made it clear however how much you are struggling ? Could you show them a budget saying you re doing it up for the year with school starting etc ? I think it would be hard to have them know so much about your finances too though as they might step in to control you more.
I just think families should help each other out, if it were me with my DC and I could see they were struggling and needed a help out I would give them the property rent free TBH.

I've seen a couple of people on here use the phrase "lifestyle choices" with regard to the OP. WTAF?! The OP seems to have very few choices in life, and having a disabled partner is not a lifestyle choice!

On the plus side you've got housing security. Take the shoes as a presemt and get straight again.I would always want to help my childre/grandchijdren out though.

If you brother has a high paid first class job in the city why don't you? I bet that would be much more fun for you than worryign where you will get shoes from. Why not go out there and out earn your brother?

Was it because of sexism that he because he is male earns a lot and you because you are a woman don't? If so prove everyone wrong and now earn more than your brother. I bet you are just as clever and hard working as he is.. Just because someone has a penis does not mean they get a monopoly on earning huge sums. Are you from a culture where women don't work or earn much or just serve men?

Blyton, the OP is looking after a disabled partner and two children. I suspect going out and getting a high paid job is, as it is for very many people, not an available choice.

My father was like this. He "lent" my mum money to buy a new(er) car and charged her interest!

Some people are unbelievably tight. That said, he did give me the 10% deposit for my first flat in the days (mid 90s) when you could buy a flat in LONDON for less than 50K! I don't know how much pressure my mum put on him to do that though.

They seem very miserable and mean, especially to their grandchildren. For me the joy of being wealthy would be to help my family. Why expect you to wait years to inherit when you could use some of the money now. Weird!

I started to read this thread and thought you might be being a bit entitled and grabby. As I read on I found it more and more clear YANBU.

I am so sorry for you re this OP. Your parents value system seems to be rooted in worldly success, not love and support. It is discraceful that they behave like this.

Things are so much tougher and less secure for our generation.

YA Absolutely not being unreasonable.

Could you write them a letter?

TBH if I was in their situation I wouldn't be charging you any rent and at Birthdays Xmas etc be asking what the children want/need and do all the shoes shopping and any other bits I could.

Sorry you've got shit parents.

Blyton she is a mother of two children and partnered to a man who is disabled. Do you have a fucking clue at all?

As someone living off 10 quid a day because my shit employer put me in the position where I was told I had to make my hours up after my son had chicken pox and hand foot and mouth and I had no extra childcare to do so....I lost my decent income.

FFS misguided feminism....

Could it be that they dislike/resent the relationship that you are in?
Do they think your partner and his care needs are holding you back from a better job/life?

"ook on the bright side, the "careful" never spend on themselves, their "carefulness" usually benefits their family, eventually."

theoretician, this is exactly what I was talking about though. It's simplistic and naive. Yes it would be nice to receive a windfall in your 60s, but by then poverty (or at least lack of opportunity) has marred your own life and your children's.

Some people are odd about money .
My step d m charged my df for a cup of coffee when they went out .
She lived off his wages all their married life but made him pay if she picked up a newspaper .
After I gave birth she asked I I needed milk - she got it and asked me for the money( I was still in bed after a home birth )
D c got the cheapest present s quite often and on one occasion a half coloured in colouring book from charity shop .
Great fuss re look what we got you too .
She treats her self now to I pad , decorating , travel , new car .
It makes me sad to see other gp treat their gc . I do understand .🌻🌺🌸🌼🌷🌹

"Yesterday 21:27 PuntasticUsername

I think they're deliberately not helping you because they think it will be a Moral Hazard - you just should've got richer of your own accord. It would be very bad for you to start thinking money just drops into your lap by itself without you having to work for it. Your brother learned that lesson ok, so it's fine for them to give him expensive gifts, you see?

In short, I think they're arseholes"

Agree with every word of this

Sounds like they are punishing you for not being as successful as your brother.
They should treat you both the same, I couldn't bring myself to go near them if they were my parents. Bastards are watching you struggle.

"I know a few people like your DPs, millions in the bank and still shopping for bargains and buying from charity shops. Unfortunately the habit of penny pinching and being tight is a lifelong habit that's hard to break. It's daft really because after all the hard work accumulating wealth they are afraid to enjoy it and the only ones to benefit from this will be HMRC."

Exactly.

Personally I love charity shops, it's a different shopping experience and one that I prefer. But the things I buy are for me. Would never dream of buying gifts from one, and be so tight with my children and grand children.

As DeadGood and Puntastic say this is the kind of issue where the personal is political.

Many independently wealth people believe they gained their wealth through moral fibre and hard work and anyone who isn't likewise rich is a lazy wastrel. To those that have much, much shall be given. To those that hath not - you're on your own mate.

I suspect your parents belong to this crowd.

I would accept the school schools as a birthday present, better and more useful than cheap charity shop things. Tell the kids, "hurrah, that's shoes sorted now we can save the money we would have spent on a nice family thing to do."

"Yesterday 23:27 Wayfarersonbaby

They're really mean! It's not you at all, OP - they don't sound reasonable with money.

I agree with other posters that some people have a thing about leaving inheritances, when actually being penny-pinching and then hoping your kids will love you for leaving them a chunk of cash when you're dead seems bonkers to me. Why not help out when your kids need it, and have a warm relationship with them as a result, rather than cause resentment and jockeying about who might inherit what? In my experience the people who do this are often looking forward to a bit of emotional manipulation when they're older, e.g. having people hanging on their wishes for fear of their inheritances. My grandmother was like this, very early started demanding visits from relatives with the explicit threat that they'd be cut out of her will if they refused - it's not a nice trait!

Some people are so bonkers about money. It's all very well saying that the wealthy get that way by being thrifty, but wealthy people invariably spend out on things they want when they want them. A friend of mine's husband is really wealthy and collects antiques and vintage cars. She has had to give up work because she has become disabled and he won't give her any money for anything he perceives as frivolous or as "her expenses", such as buying birthday presents for her friends or clothes. He often makes her walk more than she should because he complains taxis are too expensive and he never buys a round because he's "worried about money" - but he always has a new antique watch or an expensive gadget he's bought for himself.

I personally can't understand why some people have their financial priorities so oddly arranged! People who are tight with family and friends despite being well off are deeply annoying. It's all very well to say they can spend their money how they like, but there's something about being so blind to your own situation and how others see you that is very very weird."

Totally agree with this post too!

Sorry to clog up your thread OP but it's really got to me! It's the fact that your parents so clearly think they are in the right that's getting under my skin. I wish you could show them this thread.

Totally agree with others saying that people who've done well are often way too self-congratulatory, and underestimate the role that luck or circumstance played in their success.

Many independently wealth people believe they gained their wealth through moral fibre and hard work and anyone who isn't likewise rich is a lazy wastrel. To those that have much, much shall be given. To those that hath not - you're on your own mate.

This, with bells on. People in general have a massive bias to think their own good fortune is of their own making while anything bad that happens is bad luck. The idea that anyone can be rich if they just put their mind to it is incredibly pervasive in some quarters.

The idea that anyone can be rich if they just put their mind to it is incredibly pervasive in some quarters.

America!

Doesn't the American Dream basically boil down to 'you may be born on the lowest social rung with all the odds stacked against you but if you concentrate really hard you too can be a squillionaire'

Load of nonsense.

I think they're deliberately not helping you because they think it will be a Moral Hazard - you just should've got richer of your own accord

THIS, definitely. They're trying to teach you, still. Rather than enjoying helping you. It's misguided and mean IMO when you're so well off - I can't imagine being so stingy with my own dc.

Unless of course they have some master plan and are actually saving all of the rent money you pay in order to gift it back to you at X time in the future.