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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you don't need a boy and a girl to complete a family?

106 replies

TheSconeOfStone · 24/08/2016 19:42

I've got two DDs aged 8 and 5. I have to admit I had assumed that DD2 would be a boy as the majority of friends and family have this combination. I was surprised and a little disappointed a girl. Loved her at first sight with all my heart but felt regret that there would never be a boy (DH was determined to stop at 2 and that was the right decision for our family).

Had to put up with stupid comments about missing out on a son because 'boys love their mums' and 'DH must be disappointed' (no, he totally content with his girls). Family were very 'meh' on announcement of her birth.

Now my little brother and SIL are expecting B/G twins and everyone is delighted of course. My dad has said it's great that they are getting 'a complete family'. WTF are his darling grand daughters then? They are so different to each other. Each family and combination of children is unique.

I know part of the reason I am upset is little brother has always been the golden boy. He is very close to my mum and has more in common with my parents than me. He's even managed to have the correct configuration of offspring on the first attempt!

OP posts:
lizb30 · 24/08/2016 22:15

Our eldest two are 13&11 years old. A boy and a girl. We have another daughter who's 12 months old. We had so many comments when I was pregnant with my youngest. Some were:
"But you already have a boy and girl why have another one?"
"Your prefect family won't be the same again"
"You'll be off balance"
"The kids will be jealous if it's the same sex as them"
"The kids will be gutted if that's not the same sex as them"
Etc etc.
You get the picture. They can all fuck off as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't have cared if they were all boys or all girls. Each one of them are individuals and our family will be complete when we decide and not based on the sex of our children.

ElizabethG81 · 24/08/2016 22:22

I have boy/girl twins and have lost track of the number of times I've been told by complete strangers that "you don't have to have any more now" and "one of each, well done". It's stupid and not an attitude I'd ever come across before I had them.

TheFairyCaravan · 24/08/2016 22:26

I've got 2 boys (21&19) . I wouldn't have it any other way. I genuinely didn't want a girl, DH might have , but I had such a horrendous pregnancy that a healthy baby was enough.

We had comments like "never mind" , "maybe you'll get a girl next time", "are you going to try again?" It was infuriating. I was over the moon with DS2.

My family is perfect. There's 2 years between my boys, they are best friends and always have been. It's been a lot cheaper than having one of each, too!

AmpleRaspberries · 24/08/2016 22:28

I have a girl and a boy, got told repeatedly how we could stop now, how lovely one for each was and how clever I was!?

The problem was I wanted another girl (because I had always assumed I'd have two same sex children), was taken by suprise at feeling that way and actually felt horribly guilty about it. It made me feel like they were saying dd wasn't enough. I know they weren't and often people are just making small talk but it's annoying at best.

headinhands · 24/08/2016 22:36

There is no such thing as one of each. They are all different.

its never been put better than that. Thank you.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 24/08/2016 22:48

We have b/g twins and had a lot of comments on this 'ready made family'. Also, before I knew what we were having 'Oh I bet you hope it's not two boys! That would be awful' Confused Shitty thing to say.

Currently pregnant again with a boy and haven't had too many comments this time

kaitlinktm · 24/08/2016 22:49

I have never heard that term "gentleman's family" - how horrible! What does that make other families then? Bleurgh!

Mine are grown up now but when I had my 2 boys I was aware of lots of smug "gentlemen's families" in my immediate family - but I just let it go over my head.

My uncle thought I should have had a girl first and then a boy because my mother had, Hmm even though his mother had had him first and then my mother. He asked me what I was going to do when they were 13 and 15. Hmm Hmm I told him I'd send them back.

OP I hope your father doesn't make these remarks in your DDs' hearing.

HormonalHeap · 24/08/2016 22:50

I have a girl and a boy.. never been much of a family because they are so different they actively hate eachother! Ignore ignorant comments.

Shutitmuppet · 24/08/2016 23:02

Yanbu

Who defined 4 as the complete number anyway. We are a complete family of 3. I find comments like "don't you want a girl" are so hurtful. It's as if DS isn't enough for us, he is a bundle of joy who completed our family.

Off topic but Mermaid congratulations on your daughters. My DS was born at the same gestation and also discharged on oxygen. My advice is don't stop going out, you will get some stupid comments about the oxygen but just smile & think these are probably the same numptys who think I should have b/g twins!

QuackDuckQuack · 24/08/2016 23:08

I think you've been unlucky to get the comments (or perhaps in who you've spoken to).

We have 2 DDs. The only comment I got like that was when I announced my pregnancy one person said 'congratulations, I hope you have a boy'.

For my DParents they only have DGDs and DD2 was their final grandchild and they were delighted when she arrived to have completed the set of girls. Obviously they would have embraced a boy if we'd had one instead.

For me, I am very close to my mum and when I was pregnant with DD1 I convinced myself that she was a boy as part of me wanted a girl to be able to have that mother-daughter relationship. But she may grow up to hate me and move to Australia, there's no guarantee that having a daughter will give us that relationship.

When having DD2, being besotted with DD1, I thought having another girl would be great or that having a boy would be great, as we didn't have one. When DD2 arrived, I remember lying on the operating table and thinking 'I'll never have a son', but in a very calm, neutral way. It's just a fact, not a good or bad thing, just a very definite end to a possible path in life.

I have thought of one more odd thing that's been said about having all girls - 'well at least you won't have to worry about school fees.' I am fairly confident it was a joke. But an odd one.

HippyChickMama · 24/08/2016 23:15

When I was pregnant with dc2 I told colleague that we wouldn't be having any more and that dh was having a vasectomy she looked at me horrified and said"but what if you have another boy!" Dc2 is a girl but I honestly wouldn't have cared either way.

user1467393664 · 24/08/2016 23:19

I have a boy and a girl but still get asked all the time if I'll go again Hmm I find it a bit intrusive to be honest. But yes I'd love to go again! Grin

Yorkieheaven · 24/08/2016 23:23

a boys your boy until he takes a wife

Depends on how nice you are as a mil in my opinion. I see my dils plenty and my GC. If you are nice and supportive you don't loose anyone.

Ignore them op daft buggers

freethebiscuit · 24/08/2016 23:25

I'm pregnant with my third girl and feel like I've had to say 'honestly, I'm delighted' when telling people that number 3 is a girl. Not to be overly dramatic but some people are almost sorry for me ' aw...were you hoping for a boy?' or joke I'll have to 'go again for a boy'. Er....no I hope to have a healthy baby and the gender matters not and if and when I do try to have a 4th then the same hope will apply! Sounds rich as I type this into a chat forum but some people just need to have something to say in response to any situation and probably don't realise how rude they can sound!

Mazmamm · 24/08/2016 23:26

I'm pregnant with my 4th son. The comments have been brutal, from family, friends and strangers. Looks of pity Angry when I'm out with my other 3 and they ask what sex this baby is. "Oh no, are you going to try a 5th time". "Why didn't you ask? I know a diet/Chinese calendar/way to have a daughter." "It doesn't look like you'll get your girl". Etc. I tell them that when deciding on a 4th we wanted a child, not a chosen sex. I love being a mother of boys, just the same as I'd love to be the mother of an all girl clan. People are thick as shit. Best one was when a relative said to my mother - "oh well, maybe sister-in-law will give you a granddaughter" - yes, because I've failed terribly. Knob-end.

amysmummy12345 · 24/08/2016 23:33

Grrrrr I've had this. I have two DDs, when I told people dd2 was a girl I had a stranger in Asda say"oh.... I bet you're disappointed!" Then just the other day a neighbour shouted across the street "what did you have?" When I replied a girl they responded with "never mind maybe you'll have s boy next time!" Confused

Mausageandsash · 24/08/2016 23:36

I have 1 of each and am pregnant with the 3rd which is our last and am being told that I'm ruining our perfect family! WTF?

Iammrsbeckham · 25/08/2016 00:01

My cousin had twin girls through IVF and our Nan said to her "isn't it a shame you've not had one of each". Yer, thanks Nan!

Itwillbefine · 25/08/2016 06:12

I've not read all the thread but I don't think you need children to complete a family. If you have a partner it's a family.

I do have 2 boys, but never had a yearning for a girl. My Mum got driven mad by the 'how lovely' comments that she had one of each when I arrived.

Please ignore them.

Advicepls7080 · 25/08/2016 06:32

I don't think people are every happy. My parents have 3 of each and then they had people saying 'don't you wish all the boys were older so they could look after the girls' (one older sister 3 older brothers frig sake) well it's not something you have control over and why does it matter? As long as you're happy.

It's like saying people who can only have one child will never be a complete family

JemimaMuddledUp · 25/08/2016 06:52

When I was expecting DC3 everyone seemed to assume we were only having a third as we wanted a girl after 2 boys. Total rubbish, neither DH nor I had any gender preference. Once DC3 was born and was actually a girl we had the "I expect you're so relieved she isn't another boy" comments Hmm

CathFromCooberPedy · 25/08/2016 06:58

I'm sorry but these threads annoy me. You were disappointed that dd2 wasn't a boy as you'd not get to experience having one but can annoyed that other people think boy and girl dc complete a family? Hmm

Give your head a wobble OP and stop being part of the problem. You sound jealous of the twins tbh.

1Potato2 · 25/08/2016 07:02

I have an older Dd and a baby ds. My family is complete because we wanted 2. When I found out i was having a boy I was slightly disappointed as I have a close relationship with my sister. It didn't help that I got some thoughtless negative comments from family. Indeed, I started a thread on it.

Ultimately, you get what you're given and you know what? He's bloody lovely and I wouldn't have it any other way now. No silly comments about one of each thank god.

Cocoabutton · 25/08/2016 07:06

My parents wanted a boy for second DC, they got me. Part of it was grandparents pressure on my mum's side, and sibling rivalry (my aunt had girl and boy). I grew up knowing I was somehow wrong. Utterly corrosive.

I have a boy-girl combination, and I got snarky comments from my mum about how I must have wanted DS to complete my family and how unfair that was on DD Hmm. We are not on speaking terms. She did not even come to see DS when he was born.

It is completely bonkers, IMO, and I hope your DD does not get wind of it.

user1471426807 · 25/08/2016 07:16

I have two girls and I get comments like 'Oh you need a boy now' and 'Wouldn't you have liked a boy for your husband?' It doesn't matter to him at all! Ignore the comments.

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