AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

Jelly: You're not wrong, but parents have different relationships with their children to strangers or acquaintances. Boundaries are often less sharply drawn, for example, I would frequently change in front of my mum and she would change in front of me, and requests for 'privacy' would usually have been laughed at (we had a big family, very little privacy for anyone!) but she wasn't grooming me.

In this case, Dad may be an abusive predator type, or he may just be an arsehole. There really is no way of knowing with this information.

Jelly, likely not. In my experience, men like that (and it is usually men, apologies to the majority of decent blokes) always feel the rules don't apply to them for some reason. Because they're related, because they're the father, because they're the breadwinner or just because they're the man.

OP needs to make a clear firm line on this. Not with wussy letters, but a stand to the creep's face, with consequences outlined and followed through if he doesn't respect the closed bedroom door of a young woman.

ShebaShimmyShake I agree with that. I posted a link to a really good door wedge earlier in the thread but with no response.
I dont think theres a clear cut line between control and abuse. His feelings and beliefs are pretty much irrelevant and he needs to change his bheviour for his daughters sake.

My mum used to come into my room all the time. Then we had the house refurbished and installed locks. She would take a knife and open it from the outside - without knocking first. Obviously the noise me notice but it used to make me so angry. I could not and still cannot understand why she did this. Once when I was about 13 she came in whilst I was topless and putting on deodorant and I screamed at her to get out, she refused and was going on about how I wasn't allowed to hide anything from mum, she'd seen it all before and anyway I didn't even have anything to look at. I tried to push her out, by this point crying, and she just laughed and dug her heels in. I tried to leave and she wouldn't let me get past, i was trapped in a tiny box room extremely upset. Over a decade later and the memory is still vivid in my mind. I felt so horribly violated.

She would also unlock the bathroom door whilst I was in the bath because she "had to go". In the end i would just grab a towel and run whilst she sat down to have a shit whilst I was still there. The worst part was that she didn't even close the door. She would leave it ajar and walking past you'd hear the stream of piss or a little moan as she did a poo. It was utter, utterly revolting and I don't know why she did it.

I also stopped going shopping with her because she'd poke her head in after 30 seconds and catch me half undressed. My shouts at her to get out were met with a lecture, nasty hissing words about how dare I speak to mother like that. It was all about control and now she throws constant hiss fits about why I don't call her and tell her everything about my life like "other daughters".

My experiences have utterly destroyed any chance of a close relationship with her because the constant steamrolling over my personal and civil boundaries have made me hate her, feel repulsed by her. I am an adult and I still can't help but to cringe away when she hugs me.

This is the sort of relationship your husband is running towards with his daughter. He needs to decide whether this is what he wants. It is not your problem, OP.

it is a control thing, yuck.

I have an 11 year old and a 13 year old, and I always knock.

It matters to them, so that's why i do it.

It would worry me, in your shoes OP, that your DH has no empathy or understanding (and does not even want to try to understand) his children's feelings.

Does he treat you like this too?

BabooshkaKate: That does sound horrific and genuinely abusive.

Please give him a choice, he knocks on her door or only seems her in a visitation center, there were 2 men in my childhood who did this, both continued the behavior to its natural conclusion.

OP people have shared some very upsetting details on here to try and help you so aside from all the good advice you have received it would be respectful of you to come back and thank them if you don't want to look like you posted just for gory details

TBF Abso, it's the summer holidays, DD is ten and they're probably busy. I don't much care for the tone in your post.

grape I've seen several threads recently about dads and Lack of boundaries that were deleted.

My concern is only for the posters who have shared upsetting details - I'm not sure why you'd take issue with that?

There was nothing offensive wig what I wrote

*with

Slight derail, but can I just say, a dad seeing his teen DDs naked actually isn't inherently abusive. It's only the case if the DDs have a problem with it - which is clearly the case here.

My own dad was very emphatic about families not needing to cover up as nudity wasn't necessarily shameful or sexual. I remember finding the emphasis a bit cringey as I got older but I never really felt particularly uncomfortable seeing him naked, or vice versa. It would probably be weird now, but we continued like this till I left home at 18.

Later in life, I discovered that his own dad had raped his elder sister. I believe now that he was trying, somewhat cack-handedly, to be very open and breezy about bodies, nakedness etc - for the exact opposite reasons to an abuser.

Today I am very body-confident and still get undressed in front of sisters, DM etc (though not DF). Actually his approach which he took explicitly and consistently from the time we were babies, worked for us and gave us good boundaries and confidence.

Abso, for your information, I am at work in a court setting and have only just had the opportunity to come back. Going on mumsnet in the middle of court proceedings would not be appropriate , even if it's to appease you. I haven't had the chance to read all the responses but am heartened at the amount there are. Thank you for all your thoughts which I will read once I've finished work.

No need to be defensive. This is the Internet, you could be anybody.

I just get concerned for vulnerable posters on topics like this, so pointing it out is nothing personal. And nothing to do with appeasing me.

It's all about the tone with which you read my posts I suppose but from my perspective I'm just trying to be supportive all round

FGS, Abso, the OP only posted at midnight last night. People do work, you know, and other posters are at liberty to share or not, their choice. OP isn't responsible for them.

I fully sympathise with you on this. My DH also has difficulty in recognising how his behaviour affects the DC. I have had similar worries regarding DD and how she will behave towards DH as DD grows into her teenage years.

Impenetrable is also the word I would use.

I am sorry that I don't have the answer either, but maybe now that the issue has been planted in his head it will slowly sink in over time?

Yes but posters get sucked into helping people, especially if it's an issue that's close to home for them. What's wrong with being concerned about vulnerable posters and looking out for others?

I'm not sure I deserve a Fucksake but whatever

That really is not the OP's fault that 'posters get sucked into helping people'.

You could argue it the other way, that many of the sensitive details shared on this thread are perhaps unnecessary, but no one has a go at the posters because there is a general understanding that it is up to people to share what they want to. Many people find it therapeutic to talk about their experiences; I know I do.

I wasn't having a go at or blaming anyone... I was just saying that to not come back after people have shared their stories doesn't seem right

But ya know fuck um' that's a their look out innit

Abso, you had no reason to think she wouldn't come back, but even if she didn't, you wouldn't know why, would you? This content might have been triggering for her. You just don't know. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm but perhaps more thought next time.

I agree with PP - either he accepts he is wrong and agrees to show a lot more respect, or I would ask him to leave.

Your daughters deserve some privacy and someone - YOU - needs to protect their right to dignity and respect in their own bedroom.

BabooshkaKate, that sounds horrific. I hope you don't have any contact with your mum now.

But ya know fuck um' that's a their look out innit

Wow, I know it's the summer holidays, but can't you go and play out on your bike or something instead?

Gosh! I would be RAGING if this was my DH with my DD.

Out of earshot of your DDs you need to make him see sense. He must accept that your DD deserves respect.

My DH is a bit "clumsy" around my DD (7) sometimes but luckily he listens when I explain how it is for my DD - remember it's hard for them because they're boys!

Good luck!

Agree with all posts that your husband is exhibiting extremely dickish behaviour. I would be uncomfortable with a lock on the door but do think a wedge is a good compromise to allow your daughter privacy.