AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

put a lock on the door - we had a lock but we were told we could not leave it locked at night time

Agreed trifle. I never quite knew if my DF was trying to see me naked or just asserting his right to enter. That blurriness made me feel unsafe and silenced, so I was much, much less able to lay down clear, firm boundaries when I needed to later on. I didn't trust my inner warning sirens which told me something was wrong

Op your dd is sending a clear message: I don't want you to come in unnannounced as you may see me undressed and that makes me feel violated. Your dh is saying 'yes, but I'm in charge and I will make you feel violated whenever I want.'

She's made a clear stand and has said 'no, don't do this to me' and he has said 'oh but I will.'

Simple as that.

If it was just the bedroom issue that would be bad enough but the fact is he sees no point in empathising with his children's experiences and feelings. That should be making you seriously think about why you are exposing your daughters to such a pernicious presence in their lives.

What a horrible situation for you, ocelot.

I have just re-read the earlier part of the thread and, to be honest, I am pessimistic about this being sorted out amicably. The husband in this case believes he has the right to walk over his daughters' boundaries and ignore his wife, just because. My initial responses were about how to reason with him, but the reality is that people like this usually can't be reasoned with. Their views are too entrenched.

I feel very sorry for the OP. What an awful thing to have to deal with in a partner. We have all been focusing on the "solution" here (what needs to happen yo protect DD). OP do you want to talk about how YOU are feeling about your DH as well? We are listening and want to support you in your feelings too.

I do agree with DearMrDilkington, he may well be in denial that his children are growing into young adults who need privacy.

Tough fucking luck. He's a grown, apparently intelligent, man who needs to get a fucking grip and have some respect for his own children. I look at my DS and can't believe where the years have gone but anyone who is 'in denial' about their children growing up needs bloody therapy.

I find his treatment of his DD absolutely appalling and would not tolerate it. Poor kid.

God he sounds like a dick. When are your children's feelings worthy of being paid attention to? When they're 16 or 18? Also it doesn't seem like he thinks you're worthy of paying attention to either.

Thanks for your sympathy Trifle. It is appreciated.

Op, I know this is a lot to think about. I hope you're able to reach some sort of resolution.

Agree Op it is bloody hard navigating life with someone who has these behaviours. I sympathise with your position. You're left wondering what a reasonable response would be because if you could just get them to understand life would be so much better and at other times life is good.

Your DH's behaviour certainly violates Social Services' safer caring protocols and would not be permissible from a foster parent.
Rules are not just to protect the child/young person but the adult as well.
This behaviour will just put DD1 on edge and she will lose her trust. DD2 is observing this and will also be affected.

Good god, my DF is very old school but he never, ever barged into my bedroom once I'd hit my teens. He always either knocked or called out to me. In fact he never came in unless I said it was OK to do so.

My DM on the other hand was always a barger, but that's a whole other thread...

ocelot I agree his motives are not the main point. Abuse is in the ' eye of the beholder ' for want of a better expression. I had a bad experience of workplace bullying by a line manager. When I could take no more and put my head above the parapet and contacted the union , they conducted an anonymous poll of the twenty or so people under her. I think it was 14 or 15 who said they felt or had felt extremely pressurised and/or bullied by her at some point and found her difficult to work under. Most of the rest were extremely defensive of her and dismissive of the rest of us , saying that was just her way and we took her too seriously blah blah and that was ' just her way'. My complaint was upheld on the grounds that if I and the others who agreed with me felt bullied then basically we were bullied. She was demoted and sent for retraining on people management etc. before being allowed to try and work her way back up to management. .

Livid has gone v quiet. How are you this morning OP?

"Diddl, I think that is very harsh. There is a lot about this situation that isn't cool, but he sounds more like a control freak than a pervert!"

I hope that you are right.

It just seems odd to me going into the room when you know that they might be undressing.

but he sounds more like a control freak than a pervert

Honestly, the crossover between control freak and pervert is huge. Controlling men are often abusive, abusive men are often sexually preoccupied and predatory, sexually preoccupied or abusive men who believe they have ownership over the women and girls in their life are very very often sexually abusive.

Sorry for the derail there , just trying to say really that if someone asks you to stop doing something because they don't like it and providing it is practical for you to stop doing it then you should stop, whether you or anyone else thinks it is nothing of importance or not.

Broom: It is indeed perfectly possible.

I don't think it's harsh at all..if this were my daughter I'd be extremely concerned

I briefly lived with my grandmother during my teenage years and also would have occasional overnights stays there and I had an uncle like this ..I remember the awful feeling of panic and the frantic rush to get dressed, the hyper vigilance and always being on edge

As someone before said control and sexual harassment often go hand in hand

Also op you say your dd? Is she your husbands step daughter?

OP, I suspect hope that your DH is just being bullheaded and pig ignorant.

Your OP seems to suggest that he is if the "children should be seen and not heard" school of parenting. It is very difficult to reason with views like that, but it can occasionally be done. Only you really know your own DH though, and will have to consider all options if he refuses to be reasoned with.

I have bollocked my DH where necessary for being "more Victorian than the Victorians" and although he has grumbled about it he has normally listened. He knows I am a stubborn old goat and will not back down.

We have three DDs, youngest now being 14. One thing DH has never done though, and would never do, is disregard their privacy and just barge into their rooms. Neither do I. We knock first, or call out to them. If I need access to their rooms for any reason (e.g. the airing cupboard, hot water and some central heating controls are in DD3's room) I give good and clear notice.

We would never just enter except in a real emergency.

That is a boundary your DH needs to get into his head, and quickly.

What an awful situation to be in. I can't add much to what people have already said, but how about putting a bolt or a chain on her door or getting her a wedge and telling her it's perfectly ok to use them when she wants some privacy? I understand that it's just a sticking plaster, it doesn't solve the problem, but it will send the message that you agree with her and are supporting her, and it will give you all a bit of breathing space to sort things out with your DH, who sounds like hard work.

Nannawifeofbaldr 're"Does he realise that this behaviour will make his daughters love him less?

And in fact probably has already done so" this is so true.

.How are you today OP. It must be tough to read all this. Please come back and talk to us

My dad used to walk into my room.

Always after I was up & dressed, never after I had gone to bed or might be getting dressed/undressed.

I saw it as a nuisance at the time but now see it as a ontrol thing.

I guess because of my dad specifically avoiding times when I might be changing that's why it strikes me as odd that Op's husband chose a time when the girls might be.

It could be to cause the maximum discomfort, which of course is just horrible.

As is not caring at all about how the 12yr old feels.

Am I the only one to think that discounting her feelings and insisiting on no boundaries could be called grooming if he were a stranger or family friend?
It would be reason enough for Social Services to refuse to place a foster child in the home.
If he heard that would he change his behaviour if not his attitude?