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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

405 replies

Livid66 · 23/08/2016 23:11

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

OP posts:
Livid66 · 24/08/2016 21:07

Thanks again for your responses. Just for clarification, DH is father to all three of our children (inc a 16 year old son). To put some context to this, I work in a profession involving safeguarding children whose parents are in dispute. I am particularly sensitive to children's emotional wellbeing but when I try to at least provide DH with some insight, he accuses me of treating him like a case at work.

The barging into our daughters' room is more underpinned by the attitude that he can do whatever he wants in his house (esp in relation to the kids), rather than his attitude towards his daughters, in particular . I was hoping that he would have come to his senses by this morning (he has often conceded and apologised in the past where he had been wrong) but no, not on this one.
I guess the really worrying thing to me is his lack of empathy and unwillingness to understand. He comes from a background where his mother was/ is a psychoanalytical therapist and she has always been extremely attentive and engaging in listening to his feelings. Yet he can't afford this to the children. i really need to protect them from this, I realise.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 24/08/2016 21:18

he can do whatever he wants in his house (esp in relation to the kids)

Confused

That is a pretty fucked up attitude.

Unless you live alone miles from anyone.

Nobody who lives in a family gets to take that position.

Shouldwebeworried · 24/08/2016 21:28

That's so sad. Is there any way you could speak to his mother and would her intervention have any impact on him and his attitude in this area? Does he respect her opinion and listen to her?

ShebaShimmyShake · 24/08/2016 21:33

The barging into our daughters' room is more underpinned by the attitude that he can do whatever he wants in his house (esp in relation to the kids)

Like countless useless little despots before him. How disturbing that he's so unwilling to concede on something as basic and simple and crucial as a young woman's closed bedroom door. You cannot let this one slide, OP. It's incredibly serious. Be prepared to leave the house with the kids if need be. I'm not one to reach for melodrama, but a man who thinks he can barge in on a young woman whenever he likes, against her wishes, is a dangerous, sick fuck and it will only get worse. And your daughter might get worn down by it and start to feel that she should indeed allow men to do whatever they like whenever they like because they say the love her....

ShebaShimmyShake · 24/08/2016 21:35

He comes from a background where his mother was/ is a psychoanalytical therapist and she has always been extremely attentive and engaging in listening to his feelings

So tell Norman Bates to fuck off back to Mumsy and stop trying to catch his pubescent daughter naked, the selfish sick fuck.

ShebaShimmyShake · 24/08/2016 21:36

Better yet,tell Mumsy that he wants to be able to walk in on his pubescent daughter naked and let her analyse that.

ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 21:38

Hello, OP, it is good to see you back. I can see why you are worried by his lack of empathy and willingness to listen, especially given your work background. How are you feeling tonight?

Lancelottie · 24/08/2016 21:40

he accuses me of treating him like a case at work

Well, does he want to be someone's case at work?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/08/2016 21:41

Does he barge into your son's bedroom in the same way, OP?

If so, how does he feel about it?

Livid66 · 24/08/2016 21:42

Yes, Sheba, I agree it is very serious and I cannot stand by and watch him to it.
Should, I have considered speaking to my MIL or SIL (his sister) about this. He has always listened to them, although he has become more resistant of late.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 24/08/2016 21:47

How fascinating that you both you, his wife, and his mother - are in professions that require you to have serious emotional intelligence.

And this is the man you're dealing with.

ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 21:47

Are you OK, OP? It is very easy for MNetters to come online and try to 'fix' this for you. But I suspect its a whole lot messier living through it when its YOUR DC and YOUR DH. I would be feeling so mixed up and confused by now, if it was me. It must be very hard to square the man you fell in love with, with a man who says he doesn't see a reason to empathise with your DDs feelings - esp when it is so obvious to you that this is needed! I am concerned that you might not feel very supported right now?

JacquettaWoodville · 24/08/2016 21:47

How would he feel about your son going in to his sister's room without knocking? Vice versa?

At what age does she deserve privacy in his view? 13? 16? 18? Never?

AyeAmarok · 24/08/2016 21:47

If you're not going to be able to reason with him so he understands why this is such a massive deal, then you need to get her a lock. Asap.

Although it sounds like you'd be doing your DC a favour if you just booted him out TBH.

Livid66 · 24/08/2016 21:48

Thanks, Oce, for your concern and everyone else's support. I feel somewhat buoyed by it all. I've been too embarrassed to canvass my family and friends.
Yes, Verybitchy, he does it to our son as well.

OP posts:
Livid66 · 24/08/2016 21:49

And my son gets pissed off about it, as you can imagine.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 21:50

Glad you are feeling buoyed, Livid. You are so right to have alarm bells ringing over this.

Livid66 · 24/08/2016 21:53

A lock would just cause more problems. I can see him demanding to be let in if it is locked which would escalate tensions further. I think its his attitude that needs to change. He has agreed to go in a parenting course in the past to increase his insight but nothing came of it.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 24/08/2016 21:54

You are right to have alarm bells ringing over this. His behaviour is not that of a normal loving father.

ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 21:57

May we ask why he thought of going on a parenting course in the past to increase his insight? Are there any reasons why he may struggle with empathy? Just asking as the DD of an aspie DF, who was diagnosed very late. There is a whole lot generation who never got any help.

ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 21:58

lost generation, sorry, typo

Livid66 · 24/08/2016 22:00

Dowager but this is the irony. He does have emotional intelligence; bags of it. He is someone who you can speak with and seek advice from on that level. But there's something about him that either refuses to, or is unable to, acknowledge the feelings of children. It's as if he regards them as an extension of him, rather than individuals in their own right.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 22:05

Wow Livid.

Livid66 · 24/08/2016 22:05

Oce, the suggestion re the parenting course was as a result of the same thing; him being clueless about what is inappropriate behaviour. Eg, in the past he has seen nothing wrong with shouting and arguing in front of children 'because it's my house'. No concern for the kids being caught up in it.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 24/08/2016 22:05

If your kids got locks and refused his demands to be let in, what would he do?

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