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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

405 replies

Livid66 · 23/08/2016 23:11

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/08/2016 18:41

What makes posters think blokes with this mentality are going to observes a 'Do not enter' sign or a wedge or even lock on the door??

They won't. Even if the kid manages to prevent her father physically barging into her room, he'll just find new ways to violate her space/autonomy.

Men like this want their daughters to know who's boss. They feel threatened by their child's perfectly reasonable request and feel their manhood and place as top dog is being challenged. They see nothing unworthy in indulging in mind games and squaring off against a defenseless 12 year old. The child is threatening their sense of self and pecking order and must be put in it's "place".

If it ain't barging into her room, it'll be something else. It'll keep being something else until the girl can move out, probably as soon as she possibly can.

bluebeck · 24/08/2016 18:42

Just for clarification - this isn't DH's daughter? It's his SD? What does her father have to say about it? Is he still around?

Your DH sounds like a control freak with dubious boundaries. It is extremely unhealthy for your DDs to grow up in an environment where the person with a penis gets to call all the shots and must be obeyed, even when it comes to their bodies. Can you really not see this?

EttaJ · 24/08/2016 18:43

restingface that is terrible! What the fuck, how dare he!

mathanxiety · 24/08/2016 18:44

YYY to ' They see nothing unworthy in indulging in mind games and squaring off against a defenseless 12 year old. The child is threatening their sense of self and pecking order and must be put in it's "place".' [VeryBitchyRestingFace]

That is exactly what you are all dealing with here, OP. He will fight this until she loses.

JudyCoolibar · 24/08/2016 18:46

Good grief, restingface, what on earth was your father's issue with wearing knickers in bed? I hope once he was out of the house you told him you would be wearing them every night?

mathanxiety · 24/08/2016 18:47

The OP hasn't said at any point that this is a step father to her daughter.

CodyKing · 24/08/2016 18:47

it's hard for them because they're boys!

I have boy/girls twins - my son is also taught about his body and privacy - that's the toilet or getting changed etc

That need to respect each other it's not gender

JudyCoolibar · 24/08/2016 18:48

I don't think OP has said that her DH is not her DD's father, has she?

paxillin · 24/08/2016 18:54

OP hasn't said he's the step dad, but she implied it. "My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD."

Eva50 · 24/08/2016 18:54

My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD.

In her OP she says my DC and our DD which would suggest to me that he is her stepfather.

Eva50 · 24/08/2016 18:55

X-post!

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/08/2016 19:03

Good grief, restingface, what on earth was your father's issue with wearing knickers in bed?

They don't "let the air circulate". Hmm

Thing is, I didn't wear knickers in bed. That was a "rule". I did obey it. The only time I wore knickers in bed was when I had my period. But apparently there were no exceptions to this rule and he'd rather have been greeted by the sight of a bloody bed and his 15 year old daughter's cunt when he barged in at whatever time he fancied.

Not that the latter would have disturbed him at all, going on the fact his de facto state in the home was naked, all the while knowing that I hates it.

The best of it was, he didn't even live with us at that particular point! He was supposedly "working" abroad (faffing about) whilst we lived in the UK. That was only the second time I'd seen him that year. Despite paying nothing towards the mortgage or child maintenance, he thought he should still get to play the Big Man, even down to dictating when I got to wear knickers.

BromidePlease · 24/08/2016 19:06

VeryBitchyRestingFace I'm staggered and horrified by the number of apparent similarities between your father and mine, down to the tiniest detail Shock

Choceeclair123 · 24/08/2016 19:06

You shouldn't need to put a lock on the door he should respect her privacy. If I were you I'd save the lock changing for the front door and chuck the stupid wanker out!

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 24/08/2016 19:17

I hope you are OK OP. It must be hard to read all of this.

Please take comfort from the fact that you are not going mad - you knew there was something 'off, because it's what made you post here.

Please don't underestimate how seriousness though. You MUST take action and confront this head on.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 24/08/2016 19:32

My DH didn't get this with our eldest DD, I just think he saw her as still a little girl until the younger DD started developing she's blunt as a hammer he walked in on dd2 and she told him either he gave her privacy or she would be coming to him with her " how's my body work questions " she meant it he always knocks know Grin

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 24/08/2016 19:33

*now not know bloody autocorrect

Trifleorbust · 24/08/2016 19:33

RestingFace: Dare I ask, what was his (bullshit) reason for objecting to you wearing underwear?

Jesus, I can't believe I just had to type that. You poor thing.

2016Blyton · 24/08/2016 19:47

We are a house of much nudity and indeed have been to nudist beaches but I always respect teenagers' views on these things. Why don't you just give her a key to her bed room? When ours truned about 10 I gave them a key so they could lock the bed room door then she can lock it when she doesn't want anyone coming in - complete solution and then silly husband will be faced with locked door and he'll just have to lump it. Interestingly my girls and I are the ones happiest with nudity. The boys seem to want penises covered up. Hopefully I can convert them in due course.

Yorkieheaven · 24/08/2016 19:54

I though putting locks on bedroom
Doors was pretty standard by 12? We did with our kids.

FantasticButtocks · 24/08/2016 20:03

There is only ever one house rule necessary - everybody treats everybody else with respect AT ALL TIMES. It's really pretty simple.

It would be intolerable to have a lock on your DDs door to stop their father coming in, you can't live like that. If a fucking lock is needed to treat his daughter with respect, then he can't live there. She'd be getting such dreadful messages.

ocelot41 · 24/08/2016 20:17

OP where are you? How are you?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/08/2016 20:46

RestingFace: Dare I ask, what was his (bullshit) reason for objecting to you wearing underwear?

Wearing knickers at night "doesn't let the air circulate." It only occurs to me now that they probably don't let air "circulate" during the day either. Thank fuck that never occured to him. Confused

If OP's husband's urge to exert his manly right to barge in on his daughter in a state of undress is thwarted, this may escalate into him parading around the house naked. Seems like a natural progression.

paxillin · 24/08/2016 20:50

VBRF, I heard the air circulation argument before. I always thought our foofs would be on our foreheads if they required that much air. Thankfully in my case it was my great granny who believed this and she was told where to stick this advice by my rather, ahem, direct mother.

April229 · 24/08/2016 21:01

He's probably struggling with the idea she is growing up. Ask him if he would enter the room of another woman, aside yourself, without knocking, and if not why he is doing it to her. She is becoming a woman now.