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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, ex wants to take the baby away for a week

54 replies

quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 16:51

My immediate thought is no. She's 16 months, still breastfed (but only once a day at night to get to sleep). He is perfectly capable of looking after her fine and she sleeps well at his house without a feed.

But all my instincts are saying no, she is too young to be away from her mother and siblings for a week.

Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
Aliveinwanderland · 22/08/2016 16:53

I would say it's unreasonable. She is his child too and so why shouldn't he be able to take her on holiday?

However I don't know the back story. How much contact does he usually have?

ChasedByBees · 22/08/2016 16:54

I think so but I imagine others will disagree with me. How reasonable is your ex? Would he be open to discussing this?

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 16:56

He has her overnight two nights a week. He is a very good, involved father. It isn't about being worried he won't cope.

I think I'm worried about her wondering where I am, attachment type stuff. I'd be fine with it if she was a bit older, maybe 2?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 22/08/2016 16:57

Is she too young to be away from her father for a week as well? If she was under 6 months I'd agree with you but she's a toddler now and i bet she would have a wonderful time with her dad for a week

Normandy144 · 22/08/2016 16:57

I think it depends on how that might effect your supply? After a week would that spell the end of breastfeeding, albeit you are only feeding once a day.

IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 16:58

If he is perfectly capable of caring for her then there is no reason she should not go. Apart from the fact you will miss her but contact time with dad isnt about you.

It is diffict OP and she is still little but not a newborn so dont create barriers where there are none. Children have a right to spend quality time with both parents.

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 16:58

She's not away from her father for a week. He has her two nights every week.

I'm not sure I would suggest taking her away for a week as she wouldn't see him.

I probably am BU. I haven't said no to him, I feel very wobbly about it.

OP posts:
Drquin · 22/08/2016 16:59

All else being equal, it's not unreasonable for one parent (assuming your ex is the father) to take their own child away on holiday without the other parent.

I'm assuming days rather than months are being discussed?

But you know them both ..... It's probably a bit unreasonable to deny it if you just don't want it to happen. If you have genuine concerns about his ability to care for her, that's something else obviously.

RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 17:00

I think that if he is used to taking her overnight and she is comfortable with him (as it seems from your OP) then it is reasonable that he should take her on holiday for a week.

It doesn't seem like she is reliant on breastfeeding to get to sleep at his. Can you pump to keep up supply while she is gone?

Unless there is a huge backstory (and it doesn't seem like there is) it appears that he is a loving, capable parent. The fact that you will miss her is not a good enough reason to deny her this contact with her father.

There will be no attachment issues arising from a one week holiday with a loving parent.

My DD was 17 months old when I split from her father and he took her away for a week quite quickly. I missed her loads but she was fine and had a lovely time.

IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 17:01

How does 4 months make that big of a diffetence? 16 months or 2 years there is not a lot in it. She wont suddenly not need or miss you when she turns 2 Grin. If she us used to being with dad overnight tben she will be fine.

IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 17:01

How does 4 months make that big of a diffetence? 16 months or 2 years there is not a lot in it. She wont suddenly not need or miss you when she turns 2 Grin. If she us used to being with dad overnight tben she will be fine.

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 17:02

I'm fully behind her spending quality time with her father. Its just a week at 16 months seems very long.

Yes breastfeeding would probably end, milk supply would go I think. I'm not concerned about that really. More about all the attachment stuff you read about.

OP posts:
Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 17:03

I'm fully behind her spending quality time with her father. Its just a week at 16 months seems very long.

Yes breastfeeding would probably end, milk supply would go I think. I'm not concerned about that really. More about all the attachment stuff you read about.

Ok, I probably am BU. But isn't she going to wonder where I am????

OP posts:
RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 17:04

Attachment disorders do NOT arise from a 16 month spending time with a loving, capable parent OP. They arise when the basic needs of infants are consistently not met. And that doesn't apply here does it? You say he is a good, loving parent.

IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 17:05

Maybe but thats ok to miss you. As long as her badic needs are met she wont be overly distressed.
Does she miss you when she is with dad 2 nights a week?
Toddlers have little concept of time.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/08/2016 17:05

Um Izzy the op's daughter isn't 2 for another 8 months?

Missgraeme · 22/08/2016 17:05

Are they staying in the UK (could he bring her home if she is too unsettled? Will he ring u to reassure u she is fine? Maybe do something yourself to keep busy?

badg3r · 22/08/2016 17:07

Hmmm... YABU for saying categorically no but in an ideal world if he knew how you felt could you reach a compromise and and see if he could maybe do slightly less time, say four or five nights? Maybe now is a good time to discuss when it would be the right time for either of you to go without seeing her for a week? It sounds like you would not yet be suggesting a week away with you either if it meant not seeing her dad for a week.

RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 17:08

Speaking from my own personal experience, I don't think my DD missed me really at that age. She accepted that when she was with mummy, daddy was elsewhere and vice versa. That was the reality in her world. She was pleased to see me when she got back but she really liked spending time with her dad.

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 17:08

Ha will still have another 3 DC at home to keep me busy!

Also worried she will miss her siblings (from 1 ex DH).

OP posts:
RockyBird · 22/08/2016 17:09

Izzy a 16 month child has another 8 months to go until they are 2.

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 17:09

No not in the UK, in France

OP posts:
IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 17:09

Um Izzy the op's daughter isn't 2 for another 8 months?

Oops sorry in my head it was 18 months not 16. Teach me to cook , mn and wash up at the aame time Blush

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 17:11

I don't think you are unreasonable, not as such. I do think she will be absolutely fine though.

Bogeyface · 22/08/2016 17:13

YANBU to not want her to go, but YWBU to stop her from going.