Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, ex wants to take the baby away for a week

54 replies

quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 16:51

My immediate thought is no. She's 16 months, still breastfed (but only once a day at night to get to sleep). He is perfectly capable of looking after her fine and she sleeps well at his house without a feed.

But all my instincts are saying no, she is too young to be away from her mother and siblings for a week.

Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 22/08/2016 17:13

She will be fine and she will Have lovely quality time with her dad. Don't over think things as that's why your doubting it.

OlennasWimple · 22/08/2016 17:16

I think you are being perfectly reasonable to not want her to go because you will miss her very much. But that's not a reason in itself to say no. As a pp said, attachment disorder is not something that comes about because a secure, well cared for child spends a week away from its mother with its familiar, doting father. 16 months is coming up to the typical time that separation anxiety arises, but again that is typically about leaving a child with a non-carer, eg at nursery

How about a compromise of five days away instead?

glitterwhip · 22/08/2016 17:19

Personally I think she'll be fine ..you seem to have a pretty good relationship with your ex so I'm sure he won't mind keeping you updated with how she is ..it's totally understandable as a mother to feel apprehensive about your baby being away from you for long periods.
I left my dd for a weekend and it felt like ages lol but she didn't miss me!

RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 17:21

I agree that a compromise of 4 nights and 5 days away might be a good suggestion OP. Long enough to spend some quality time with her dad but easier for you.

willconcern · 22/08/2016 17:22

I think you aren't being unreasonable to say that you'll miss your DD.

However, I think you are being unreasonable to refuse to let her dad take her away for a week. He's her dad, and you say he's a good parent. I think you're in danger of projecting your own feelings on to your DD.

As an aside, you say you have another DC with the same dad? Why isn't he taking that DC too?

Whatsername17 · 22/08/2016 17:22

I agree with pp that you do not need to worry about attachment issues. The issue here is that you find the idea of being separated from her unbearable. I totally understand - my dd is 5 and I am dreading the day her gp's ask if they can take her away on holiday. If your relationship with your ex is as cordial as it sounds, could you try talking to him. Tell him all of those nice things you have just said about his parenting but be honest that you are struggling with the idea of being so far away from her for a whole week.you might find that, between the two of you, you can think of something that will help. Frequent picture messages, daily skypes etc

happypoobum · 22/08/2016 17:25

I can totally understand how you feel, but yes,I think she should be able to go.

Frazzled2207 · 22/08/2016 17:27

As hard as it will be for you she will most likely be fine and I think you should let her go.
Could your xh have her for maybe 2/3 nights consecutively beforehand- I do think a week is quite a long time if it's only previously been 1/2 nights at a time. But this would prob be for your benefit more than hers. France is not that far away, if there was a crisis you could go and collect her, but there won't be

MeMySonandl · 22/08/2016 17:32

Though one, for you. This is like taking a child to the nursery for the first time. She will be perfectly fine in the hands of experienced people. You, on the other hand, will be a mess.

If she is already having overnight contact with dad, a few days more together will not make any difference (Babies cannot count). I bet that if she gets upset it will be because she misses her cot/routine rather than because she is away, or at least that was the case with DS.

I would say that at 16 months, spending a week with who is already a very involved parent is not unreasonable at all. DS could manage without any problem since he was 11 months.

CafeCremeMerci · 22/08/2016 17:33

I think she will be fine & it won't do any harm to her attachment to you at all.

If you're fine with stopping breastfeeding then I'd let her go.

Are any of the other children his? If so, why isn't he taking them too?

Or he could just do the decent thing and take all 4 to give you a proper break 😂

April229 · 22/08/2016 17:35

I think it does sound like a long time, esp if it's over seas, could he reduce to five days or make it in the uk, let France wait until next year?

HyacinthFuckit · 22/08/2016 17:42

A week is quite a long time for a baby to go without seeing either of you, so I can see why you feel uncomfortable. Like posters upthread, I wonder if you could compromise on a shorter break. Might be worth pointing out to him that a week is longer than she and he ever have to be apart from each other.

confuugled1 · 22/08/2016 17:48

I think if I was bf then I'd not want the holiday to go ahead until the bf had stopped naturally. I'd feel very cheated if it stopped as a result of ex DH wanting to take dd on holiday.

I'm probably biased as I bf ds until he was about 3 which is when it petered out naturally for him.

Certainly before 2, which is when the WHO suggests that you should carry on bf for, I wouldn't want it to stop because of somebody else's actions. If it had stopped naturally before then that's different.

And I think that DearMrDilkington was trying to suggest that if ex went away for a week but your dd stayed behind, then he would miss your dd for that week. Which is true. But I still think that while you're bf, the bf trumps going away for a week. You've obviously managed to make it work for the overnights that your ex has your dd for but going for longer could make a difference to supply. And I'm guessing that maybe if your dh has her for 2 nights a week they might be separate nights in which case you still get to see her every day - even if you see her in the morning of one day and the evening of the next. Even if he has her for two consecutive nights then that's still a big jump up to 7 nights away all at once...

Even if he is OK at looking after her, and even if your milk supply doesn't drop - it would be nicer for both you and dd to move up gradually from a night or two away, to three or four nights away before doing a week away.

DoreenLethal · 22/08/2016 17:57

Oops sorry in my head it was 18 months not 16

that would still have been 6 months though not 4.

Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 18:06

Yes they aren't consecutive nights.

I'm not bothered re the breastfeeding as such. I have 4DC. 3 to ex husband and the baby to ex DP. All DC have been breastfed to 18mths-3years. She was self weaning anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
quickquicknamechange · 22/08/2016 18:07

I've said yes to him.

Eeekkkkk

OP posts:
crje · 22/08/2016 18:12

I think you have done the right thing.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/08/2016 18:13

It will be fine op!

I think you've done the right thing for your daughter in terms of maintains a positive relationship with her father, for her benefit.

chicknquack · 22/08/2016 18:14

What about having a dry run at home first a few weeks before they go?

Temporaryanonymity · 22/08/2016 18:15

DS2 breastfed for what seemed like forever. He spent the odd week or two weeks away from me between the ages of 3 and 6 and my supply was never a problem on his return.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/08/2016 18:15

If your worried about her missing you, give her one of your t shirts that you've worn. I used to it with DD when she was away so she could still have my smell to comfort her.

Irelephant · 22/08/2016 18:24

Mines just been too her dads for three week (normal contact is one night eow) she was fine.

She's a bit older at 3 but a week seems reasonable at that age.

YANBU to feel like you do mind.

Mine came back yesterday I miss the peace already Grin

MrsDeVere · 22/08/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 22/08/2016 18:32

Good for you.

One of the worst parts of parenting is having to do the right thing for the child even though you really want to be selfish!

Mothertoasuperhero · 22/08/2016 18:35

Your not being unreasonable.. Your being a normal worried mum Flowers .. I do think she's old enough to be away from you for a week.. It might seem like a long time but you'll both be fine! (mines 4 now and quite often goes on hols with his dad.. I still spend the whole time worrying and then wish for a few more days as soon as he's back!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread