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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

cleaning someone else's mess - AIBU?

42 replies

Supermagicsmile · 19/08/2016 13:03

I will try and post this Without going into detail and outing myself.

We are saving for a mortgage and see having to live with family for now.

DDs grandad makes a huge mess in the kitchen everyday and expects me to clean it up.

Purposely sometimes take dc out for food so that we are not making a mess and will get home and he will remind he I need to do the dishwasher and clean the kitchen even though we have not made any of the mess.

I am happy to do chores around the house and actually enjoy cleaning (on my own terms) but hate to be nagged and hate that he makes a huge mess in the kitchen and won't clean it up. I decided to stop doing it as it was not my mess and felt he was taking the piss! This led to huge rows and fallouts.

I would like to implement a new system where everyone cleans up their own things - surely that would be easier way?

We have family coming tomorrow and I am expected to do the majority of the cleaning (which is going to take most of the day) as family members will expect the house to be spotless.

AIBU am to feel a bit annoyed at being expected that the cleaning should be mainly my job? We pay them rent and buy all our own food, do our own washing etc but he still thinks he is doing us a huge favour and we constantly 'owe' them e.g. By cleaning etc.

I think it's going to be atleast another 3 years before we can afford our own house (we are saving for a mortgage).

Anyone else been in this situation?!

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 19/08/2016 13:10

If you are paying rent, then if it's the market rate (or close to it) then move out, if you are paying less, then perhaps you need to speak to your pil and ask directly if they think it was agreed you would be a free housemaid to make up the difference between the market rate of rent and what you are paying. If that's the case, state how much you are prepared to do (eg "I will clean up mess we make and then do 2 hours every other day of general cleaning, but not everyone else's mess").

But I wouldn't go down that route, I'd move out.

SmilingButClueless · 19/08/2016 13:15

Do you have a partner? If so, is there a reason why they can't help with the cleaning?

I think a lot depends on what the agreement was when you moved in, whether they are letting you live there at a really cheap rent (& if not, consider whether renting your own place / a non-family house share might suit you more) and whether they help you out in other ways. Also whether others in the household have their own, equivalent, chores.

Having said that, I don't think you should be the only person cleaning. I personally couldn't leave my mess for others to clean up if I was able to do it myself.

Standingonmytippytoes · 19/08/2016 13:16

Get your partner to clean it everytime it's mentioned say to mr super chop chop your dad says there's housework to be done. He might not be so willing if it's his son having to do the work.
But that is making assumptions that you're living there with your partner.

If you're not and your dad is treating you like a general dogsbody I wouldn't be happy to live there either and would maybe put the mortgage plans on hold for longer.

d270r0 · 19/08/2016 14:20

Awkward- sounds like they are doing you a big favour by letting you live there, you said you pay them rent but I assume it is lot cheaper than you would be paying anywhere else? In which case they are not really being unreasonable to expect you to do some extra cleaning.

If you are paying them the same as you would pay elsewhere, I agree you should move out.

HereIAm20 · 19/08/2016 14:32

I agree thst you should tell your DP to do it or have the conversations with your PIL

VioletBam · 19/08/2016 14:33

YANBU why should you be cinderella/slave whilst you're there? He sounds rude!

BarbaraofSeville · 19/08/2016 14:38

It's insane that DDs Grandad thinks you should clean up after him like this.

Who would do it if you didn't live there?

Missgraeme · 19/08/2016 14:38

A mortgage isn't worth risking your mh or imo. Rent instead until u can afford it. My dh and I have a 10 year plan to buy something when the majority of the kids have left home!!

ijustwannadance · 19/08/2016 14:41

Fuck that. It's very clear he is putting you in your place. Get thee to the kitchen wench.

I know you are saving for a mortgage but owning a house isn't everything. Could you not rent a small flat or something instead?
3 more years of this is just not worth it.

TheGruffaloMother · 19/08/2016 14:43

What was the agreement when you moved in? The thing is, they are doing you a favour, even if you're paying rent as presumably you're with them because it's less costly than a place of your own? I'd do as a PP said and have a sit down chat to set out the terms. But given the big favour they're doing, I would offer to do a certain number of hours general cleaning a week, though not on command and not as a skivy to clean up after others.

BabyGanoush · 19/08/2016 14:58

Gosh, just move out!

Not worth it, to live like this.

Why is your DP not backing you up/cleaning?! Talking to his dad?!

rookiemere · 19/08/2016 15:00

I can see both sides to be honest.

Unless you're paying them the going rate, then they get to dictate whatever terms they want. I agree leaving out your lunch clutter when the other person isn't even there for them to clean up is a nasty, demeaning thing to do.

I think you should move out and rent what you can afford.

MrsCW86 · 19/08/2016 15:01

YANBU!! Yes, they are doing you a favour but you are doing them a favour by contributing to THEIR mortgage/rent every month! So their bills are cheaper plus they get a free cleaner to boot? Doesn't sound right to me... But agree with others that an honest conversation about everyone's expectations is probably needed - short term pain/awkwardness for long term gain I think!

BillSykesDog · 19/08/2016 15:08

So, if you are doing the kitchen, who is doing things like cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, dusting, gardening general maintenance?

Has he decided this is your job because other people are doing other jobs? How is the cleaning divvied up? Because if he and your MIL are doing housework and maintenance around the rest of the house but you're baulking at cleaning the kitchen because 'it's not my mess' then I can understand their frustration. Especially if you are deliberately avoiding using it so you can refuse to clean.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/08/2016 15:10

Rent somewhere else. You don't like this rental deal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2016 15:14

I am looking into my crystal ball for drip feeding.

Without knowing how much your OH does and how much rent you pay and what the agreement was, this is impossible to call.

Free rent, your partner works 60 hours a week and you agreed to 'help out' YABU.

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2016 15:17

You must be mad to put up with this. Move out and delay buying a house. This is something that will irritate you every single day for years!

SawdustInMyHair · 19/08/2016 15:27

There's a difference between doing a share of the housework while you're staying there (reasonable), and being expected to be an unpaid maid (unreasonable).

This is the latter.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2016 15:40

Maybe FIL objects to non-paying houseguests that are paying for a house at his expense... Maybe this is his PA way of signalling that.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/08/2016 16:02

Do you honestly mean you are going to be living with your PIL for THREE YEARS? God almighty.

I agree we need to know DH's involvement before making a call...

Amelie10 · 19/08/2016 16:20

Scrap the mortgage and go rent a place where you will be respected. He's made you into the personal maid, what a cheek. What does your DH have to say about this.

morningtoncrescent62 · 19/08/2016 16:21

I agree with pp that you need to sit down and talk about expectations on both sides, and either come to a decision you all think is reasonable, or move out. It sounds fair enough to me that if you're not paying rent, or paying less than market rent, that you do some payment in kind with a small amount of extra cleaning. But not being on tap all the time to deal with everyone's mess, that's not fair.

Three years is going to be a long time if you can't get things sorted to everyone's satisfaction.

thecatsarecrazy · 19/08/2016 16:30

Try and find another option. Could you move into a caravan for e.g? If I didn't have pets I would consider it. One came up for sale recently that had a 12 month occupancy.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 19/08/2016 16:31

My oh is not in the scene, we are having a trial separation so it's just me. It's not just the kitchen no, other rooms too (but not their bedroom.) (did not mean to drip feed.)

Thanks for comments, much appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2016 16:37

Is this your ex-partners family you're living with? While split up from him. Or your parents? And what was the agreement and how much do you pay?