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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

cleaning someone else's mess - AIBU?

42 replies

Supermagicsmile · 19/08/2016 13:03

I will try and post this Without going into detail and outing myself.

We are saving for a mortgage and see having to live with family for now.

DDs grandad makes a huge mess in the kitchen everyday and expects me to clean it up.

Purposely sometimes take dc out for food so that we are not making a mess and will get home and he will remind he I need to do the dishwasher and clean the kitchen even though we have not made any of the mess.

I am happy to do chores around the house and actually enjoy cleaning (on my own terms) but hate to be nagged and hate that he makes a huge mess in the kitchen and won't clean it up. I decided to stop doing it as it was not my mess and felt he was taking the piss! This led to huge rows and fallouts.

I would like to implement a new system where everyone cleans up their own things - surely that would be easier way?

We have family coming tomorrow and I am expected to do the majority of the cleaning (which is going to take most of the day) as family members will expect the house to be spotless.

AIBU am to feel a bit annoyed at being expected that the cleaning should be mainly my job? We pay them rent and buy all our own food, do our own washing etc but he still thinks he is doing us a huge favour and we constantly 'owe' them e.g. By cleaning etc.

I think it's going to be atleast another 3 years before we can afford our own house (we are saving for a mortgage).

Anyone else been in this situation?!

OP posts:

iklboo · 19/08/2016 16:40

So they're your parents?

PersianCatLady · 19/08/2016 16:54

I need more information to understand this.

Is DD's GD your Dad or your FIL?
Are there any other adult females living there?
Are you paying rent and if yes is it anything like what you would pay elsewhere?

I think that is it for now.

DinosaursRoar · 19/08/2016 18:40

I had assumed you meant FIL by "DD's grandad" not "my Dad" - but it will make a difference depending on who you are living with!

If you are expected to do all the cleaning in exchange for paying below market rent, ask directly, if that's the deal, how much do they expect you to do.

But for me, I wouldn't stay there long term, you and your DCs need somewhere of your own to live if you aren't going to stay with your DP. If you are living with your PIL while separated from your DP, that can't work for 3 years!

Penfold007 · 19/08/2016 19:42

So you and DD are living with your ExDP's parents or have I got that wrong?

ijustwannadance · 19/08/2016 19:48

You are seperated but still saving for a mortgage? Or you alone are saving for a mortgage? Do you work then? If so do in laws provide childcare?

Planty18 · 19/08/2016 19:48

Or is it your mum and partner who is unrelated to you ie stepdad?

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2016 20:34

So is it your dad that's doing all this?

PersianCatLady · 19/08/2016 21:16

So you and DD are living with your ExDP's parents or have I got that wrong?
Who knows? I doubt that this will make sense until the OP has come back and explained a bit more.

wildcoffeeandbeans · 19/08/2016 23:02

Just a bit confused - in your first post you keep saying "we" are saving for a mortgage, "we" are paying rent. Who is "we" if your OH is gone? Were you all living there (at your parents/you ILs) before and he's just moved out, or is there someone else involved?

PersianCatLady · 19/08/2016 23:32

I don't want to think this but I can't help but think that this might be a fake thread as the OP has completely disappeared.

Original poster

Supermagicsmile · 20/08/2016 17:00

I haven't disappeared! Still here.

It's his parents, but yes 'we' are still saving for a mortgage as its only a trial separation and even if he we do make it permenant we would each still need to buy somewhere to live. Don't want to go into details about our situation as it would completely out me and is not relevant to the thread.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 20/08/2016 17:02

I think it depends how much rent you're paying. If you're living there for free, then you probably should be helping out significantly (although him leaving mess deliberately for you to clean is still cheeky). If you're paying market rent, then you shouldn't have to clean up after everyone.

AyeAmarok · 20/08/2016 17:05

How cheap is your rent?

If its less than the going rate for the area then I guess your FIL thinks that you are partly paying with cleaning as part of the deal.

Was this agreed when you moved in? Or is it purely that you have a vagina that he thinks you should be doing it? Does he have a partner?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2016 17:13

Don't want to go into details about our situation as it would completely out me and is not relevant to the thread. You cannot get any real answers unless you say how much rent your paying, which you haven't so far. And what the initial agreement was.

MrsMargeSimpson · 20/08/2016 17:24

I'm sorry but it absolutely is relevant. You're now effectively living with people with a tiny connection and putting up with this. Fuck that. There's more to life than home ownership, I'd much rather have my dignity! Move out, have your own place. If this is why you've separated you'll never work it out if you stay there.

kate33 · 20/08/2016 17:36

I thought maybe your dp was "away" and you didn't want to say because it seems odd that you would put yourself through this if you're not even sure you want to be together. But also you don't say if you are working outside the home and if you are, do the in-laws help with childcare. In fact the more you think about this the more off it seems but could just be a lack of info. Very frustrating for a nosy person like myself. I think that if you are indeed having a trial separation staying with your in-laws is maybe not the place to be as it's going to influence how you feel about your dp. Why don't you rent a place and then you can find out if you like it on your own, whether you are just with your dp so you have help with children etc. Also it might take the strain off your relationship and hopefully you'll realise how much you love each other. I would love to own a home but it's not the most important thing in life, is it.

DinosaursRoar · 20/08/2016 20:06

Move out, you can't live like this for 3 years! If you are still living together, in his parents house, then does all your trial separation mean that you've stopped having sex? But otherwise living together, parenting together, in his parents house?

Actually separate, move out into a rented place with your DD. Leave him with his parents paying you maintenance. See if you'd rather get back together once the pressure of this stupid living arrangement has ended.

Have you asked your ex/DP if he had explicitly agreed with his parents that you would do the cleaning in exchange for paying below market rates for rent? (because if you are paying market rates, you are crazy not to rent privately)

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