DH is selfish but this is the last straw?

[supermoonshine]

Been married for 15 years. Dh is selfish, always puts himself first, this puts a strain in our relationship as it's a horrible personality trait. I blame the fact that he's the youngest of 4 and spoilt. I've explained things to him numerous times, but he never changes. We flew back from our holidays 2 days ago, during the flight, youngest ds was complaining he was cold and I gave him my shirt to use as a blanket. He was still cold and so was I, so I asked dh to get our son's fleece from the rucksack in the overhead locker. DH said that he was sure ds was ok (ds still saying he was cold) and that no, he wasn't getting it, that it was a hassle. I waited for 5 min, he still wouldn't get it, so I had to open the overhead locker and bring down the rucksack. He knows I'm going in for shoulder surgery in 2 weeks time and raising my arm is extremely painful, yet he just sat there. I'm so upset I can't stop thinking about it

What type of shoulder surgery is it as I suspect that you will need someone at home with you for a few days.

You can't be left for 24hrs post surgery due to the anaesthetic risks let alone be left with a child to manage.

He sounds like a totally selfish knobhead. I couldn't live with someone like that, it would just kill any love ai had stone dead. You deserve much better, we all deserve kindness from our loved ones as an absolute minimum.

Should have asked some of the other passengers to get the rucksack down as you need surgery and your husband is being a selfish shit. He would have gotten off his arse then.

Oh supermoonshine that sounds awful too! What a prick!

What was he like on holiday?

I know you are berating yourself for not calling for the attendant, I think you still wanted to believe that your h would get up. Now you know he won't. Now you know it's him that is the important being at the centre of his world.

How old is your ds?

Can he stay with someone when you're having the op? I'm not thinking of lessening h workload, half of me thinks it would do him good to have to step up, but I'm thinking that actually h won't give enough of a shit to care for this child when you're out of action so it's best to put ds first

If I were you, I'd tell the hospital that you don't have anyone to care for you at home and therefore stay in until you're out of the anaesthetic and are more mobile.

Or go and stay with someone who does care.

I broke my shoulder about 18 months ago and know how difficult it is to function with the pain of it. You're going to need a lot of help and TLC.

My DH was a trooper throughout, he always puts me first. I couldn't be married to someone like your DH. I had a relationship with someone like that and quickly realised he would always put his own needs first and not even consider anyone else. It's not an equal partnership.

Stop going "silent" and lay it on the line OP.

OMG about the car parkl!

One of my ex's classics was "I don't carry bags". This was quite early on and I thought he was so lovely, funny, sweet etc and we were so in love and having a great time. I couldn't compute that he had actually just announced he wouldn't do any bag-carrying! He argued that it really hurt and was uncomfortable to carry bags, so he never carried more than the absolute minimum. I liked to carry around a handbag stuffed with useful items, but he chose to travel light. Pre-DC, that was a reasonable point... and so instead of saying "Who do you think you are Mariah fucking Carey?" I just put it down to he must have back problems or something.

But after DC and living together it was a total pain. I just couldn't believe that he would let me struggle along with shopping or the kids stuff and not take some of it. I would have to beg him or have an argument with him to get him to do it. Once we went on an 8-mile hike with friends, and I carried a heavy toddler in the back carrier the whole way. He never offered to take it and I didn't dare ask because I couldn't face the prospect of him refusing in front of our friends, I was too embarrassed.

Another time we were out with friends who had come for lunch and one of our guests carried the buggy plus heavy toddler up a huge flight of steps, while Exp chatted about work to another guest and didn't even notice. I wanted to die of shame on his behalf.

I talked to him about it so many times - couldn't he see that if he wouldn't do it, someone else had to? He's supposed to love and care about me yet he's happy to opt out of a task and see me literally take twice the weight.

Then he would get huffy and offended that I had dared to suggest he didn't care about me

One day I realised it was me who was forking out at the physio for my back problems (strangely enough). He never had any.

He's a prick.

OP, men like this aren't worth the stress, what does he add to your life?

My exH was incredibly selfish and I am 100 times happier as a single mum.

I always knew he was selfish and tight with money but the real shocker came after I had left him. I was almost begging him for some help with money for DD (he paid nothing at all) I even said that milk/nappies/wipes would do if he didn't trust me with the money, then he uttered the immortal phrase: 'but how would that benefit me?' It was like a smack in the face but it confirmed to me that I'd made the right decision.

Applejack's post reminds me of someone I flatshared with. He was never quite that blunt, but basically unable to grasp that his needs weren't everyone else's - seems to be the issue with your DH. A weird (very immature? Like - 3yo?) kind of blindness to the separate existence of others. Worrying thing is he may grasp that he needs to behave differently towards you in order to get his needset, but remain just as oblivious to the fact that you and ds have needs of your own

His needs met, sorry

My friend's husband was like this. We all called him selfish and found him funny but it wasn't funny for her. After 12 married years, he beat her up and got a criminal record. Then went for 50/50 as he couldn't bear to give her maintenance. He didn't get it.

I loathe him.

A weird (very immature? Like - 3yo?) kind of blindness to the separate existence of others.

Yes exactly! With my ex, he would insist he really did care about me and love me – but it was somehow without really managing to understand that "love" wasn't just about how he felt, it might also involve taking into account how I felt. Just like a 3yo really loves his mum - but has very little understanding of her needs (which you're not meant to at 3 of course). It's sad because I don't think he actually set out to be unpleasant, and can be nice, but it's just such hard work.