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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH is selfish but this is the last straw?

112 replies

supermoonshine · 19/08/2016 11:52

Been married for 15 years. Dh is selfish, always puts himself first, this puts a strain in our relationship as it's a horrible personality trait. I blame the fact that he's the youngest of 4 and spoilt. I've explained things to him numerous times, but he never changes. We flew back from our holidays 2 days ago, during the flight, youngest ds was complaining he was cold and I gave him my shirt to use as a blanket. He was still cold and so was I, so I asked dh to get our son's fleece from the rucksack in the overhead locker. DH said that he was sure ds was ok (ds still saying he was cold) and that no, he wasn't getting it, that it was a hassle. I waited for 5 min, he still wouldn't get it, so I had to open the overhead locker and bring down the rucksack. He knows I'm going in for shoulder surgery in 2 weeks time and raising my arm is extremely painful, yet he just sat there. I'm so upset I can't stop thinking about it

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 20/08/2016 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/08/2016 08:55

Hmm. You only need to read the relationship topic to see that men accelerate when they aren't getting their own way and plenty of abusive and controlling men progress to using their fists to get their own way.

Masketti · 20/08/2016 08:57

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings and I was definitely the most selfish as a child 'she who shouts loudest' etc. But I'm now embarrassed by my behaviour and as an adult I'm actively unselfish. Life's a hassle when you have kids. Flying is a pain when you have kids but you suck it up! You do anything for them to stop them moaning and whinging (about being cold) so you can get some peace! Why your DH hasn't realised if you put the kids first actually your life is easier for it I'm not sure. Kids are happy I'm happy.

If this is a constant source of irritation (& potentially pain causing with your shoulder) & he isn't going to change then maybe it's time for you to make the change and leave him? He'll find living on his own a lot harder as a selfish person that's for sure. And you won't have a man child to parent.

Longtalljosie · 20/08/2016 09:04

"I go completely the other way, I would do anything for my kids and for others too, I actually enjoy helping/thinking about others"

I'm afraid that's why he chose you.

ClassicCoast · 20/08/2016 09:13

From where you are life gets harder in some ways at least kids usually get more complicated and their needs harder to meet than a jumper to snuggle in. Selfish parents can really check out and fuck up adolescents and young adults. And what's the future for you? My friends at home after chemotherapy at the mo - her partner doing everything possible and wanting to do more. Their home is so strong at this tough time - what would your husband be like at times of stress and illness. Shit beyond shit I imagine so what's the point to him. No short term fun, no role model, no future security no confidence in what you deserve or how you should feel.

Believeitornot · 20/08/2016 09:14

Yes but what are the red flags here to indicate violence?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2016 09:17

No you shoulden't have called the fight attendant for help, you should have got your h to help, and made sure he got that luggage from the overhead locker.

MissMargie · 20/08/2016 09:53

Are you speaking up and voicing your anger or wishes.

I was v angry with DH but when we did have a blazing row discovered that my assumptions that he was doing something because he was sorry or 'knew he'd been selfish' were actually wrong quite often and he was seeing things from a totally different point of view, sometimes not an unreasonable. And the moral is to discuss this stuff, he might have cooked the dinner as he thought you were annoyed about something unrelated to him and he was trying to be nice!

You need to talk this stuff through. Preferably when DCs not around when you can turn tv off and chat, each taking turns.

Perhaps you already do this, you don't say.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2016 10:02

How do you think he will behave when you have your op?

Have you backup help?

Griphook · 20/08/2016 10:05

I think what happens over time is the resentment builds up and eventually becomes bigger than the love you feel.

He does sounds very selfish, but that fact that he might recognise that he's been selfish and won't apologies almost makes it worse

Mycraneisfixed · 20/08/2016 10:10

OP he is not a nice man. You've put up with and let him get away with being selfish for so long that you've stopped noticing it. Apart from the odd occasion like on the plane.
You are setting your DC a bad example by allowing your DH to treat his family (you and DC) so uncaringly.
If you can't change your husband's behaviour you can certainly change the way you react to it. Stand up for yourself and your DC.

notanotherusername123 · 20/08/2016 10:15

Look at your partner, look at your son. How would you feel if it was your son treating the mother of his child like this? Because allowing your partner to treat you like this is letting your son know it's acceptable to treat woman like this.
Are you ok with that? Food for thought

powershowerforanhour · 20/08/2016 10:19

Lots of interesting posts here about the long term. Short term, I'd use my good arm to pull the duvet off him tonight, roll myself up tight in it, refuse to share and tell him he'll be fine. (I would have hidden all the spare blankets beforehand so he has to get up and search the house).

VanillaSugar · 20/08/2016 10:26

Don't forget that classic points system whereby men equate unloading the dishwasher with your full day of housework.

OP's husband won't get violent, I'm sure of it, because then he really won't be able to play the victim in any confrontation.

SoOverItNow · 20/08/2016 10:29

What uncaring behaviour. You and your son deserve better.

What are you hoping will happen now OP?

Rennie23 · 20/08/2016 11:04

OP-this reminds me of my H.
He is a narcissist. Has no empathy, thinks of himself all the time and NEVER says sorry.
I've had to see a psychotherapist who says no matter how lovely we are, our children will pick up on their parents behaviour and it's likely they'll turn out to have the same characteristics as your DH.
Consider leaving while your child is still young. It gets much harder as they get holder-believe me!

ZansSerif · 20/08/2016 11:14

I agree with griphook that it just builds up and up and ultimately kills the love you once felt.

My exP did improve over time - I got him to do more housework and childcare (with endless nagging and explaining), I got him to admit he did make shit up to get out of tasks, and sometimes he would apologise. So you could argue that one day, if I threw all my energy into the project, I'd end up with a nice bloke.

But (besides the fact I'm not his mum) it didn't matter because every incidence of him talking bullshit, arguing the toss over some tiny request, pleasing himself and forgetting about me and the kids' needs, passive-aggressively fucking up tasks I'd got him to do, etc etc etc just killed some more love. Until it was all gone.

It doesn't matter now where exactly he scores on the nice bloke scale, I just don't have the same feelings for him, don't want to sleep with him, don't want to share my home with him. That's how I feel and ultimately that is why I had to end it. Yes it is very hard for the kids and a big upheaval and there's no getting around that. But it is better for them in the long term, I hope, that I modelled saying no to this and walking away from it, instead of just being a selfish man's support system for life.

Hissy · 20/08/2016 12:23

He deliberately allowed your ds to suffer.

That would be it for me. Gave over.

Time for you To be selfish love, time to tell him to find somewhere else to be so vile and uncaring.

Highlandfling80 · 20/08/2016 20:49

I have got complete strangers to get things off shelves in supermarkets. No one has ever refused. He ibu and selfish.

VanillaSugar · 21/08/2016 08:44

YES notanotherusername YES!!!!!! Exactly right. ExFBWCh treated me like shit & I walked. And his parents still think he didn't do anything wrong. Even when he stopped paying the maintenance & I took him to court - that was still my fault, apparently.

So his mother's behaviour with her DH (who is a chauvinistic &@&#^#) influenced his behaviour towards me. I now have a DS and there ain't no way he is treating me / his own wife like a skivvy.

LagunaBubbles · 21/08/2016 08:49

You say he is not a bad husband, I disagree, if he's like this he's an awful husband.

8FencingWire · 21/08/2016 09:08

I am joining zans and shove, you have articulated the situation so well!
I've split up with my H as well, for the same reasons. The relief!!! God, I knew I was stressed, but lordy, splitting up with that selfish lazy passive agressive man has taken years off me!!! Yy to making his own narrative why he shouldn't. Normally it was because i was 'nagging', or 'didn't need it'.
I've got my own place. I came home the other day and grabbed a quick dinner just after 5, run myself a bath and then tidied up, after I've looked after myself first. Had he been here, he would have insisted I wait till 7 for dinner, nevermind I was hungry because I didn't get a lunch break. And I would have had to have a bath after seeing that they are all ok. It felt good to be kind to myself. I forgot how that felt.

LineyReborn · 21/08/2016 10:07

ClassicCoast

Selfish parents can really check out and fuck up adolescents and young adults.

Wise words, there. Parents who are always sighing about children's needs when they are young tend to reject them when they become complicated adolescents. It's quite a poisonous dynamic, sadly.

OP, how will you manage after your surgery? It sounds daunting.

notapizzaeater · 21/08/2016 10:12

Has he always been selfish or just got worse.

I can't comprehend how a parent would leave a child cold when a solution is there.

Original poster
supermoonshine · 21/08/2016 11:34

Thanks for your comments. I have a lovely cleaner who comes in for 2 hours every tuesday and I've arranged for her to come another 2 hours on Fridays until I'm feeling better after the op. I have no family living nearby, friends will help with lift shares and he has taken the day of the op off so we'll see.

A few of you mentioned violence but that had never been an issue, he has a quick temper and is prone to tantrums but that's it. Someone used the term 'man child' and that is spot on. Yesterday we went good shopping, as we left the supermarket it was pouring so I said 'why don't I wait here and you go and get the car?'... His Answer?
'But then I'm going to get wet '. He didn't think of me, ds or the shopping staying dry he just thought of himself. He didn't get the car we all got wet. I can't drive because of my shoulder so life is frustrating anyway and whereas before I would just get on with things, I'm really noticing that he won't put himself out for me, but I can't pinpoint when I realised I had married a selfish immature man. I do stand up for myself most of the time but tbh I don't get anywhere, he's still the same, I just go silent a lot of the time

OP posts:
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