DH is selfish but this is the last straw?

[supermoonshine]

Been married for 15 years. Dh is selfish, always puts himself first, this puts a strain in our relationship as it's a horrible personality trait. I blame the fact that he's the youngest of 4 and spoilt. I've explained things to him numerous times, but he never changes. We flew back from our holidays 2 days ago, during the flight, youngest ds was complaining he was cold and I gave him my shirt to use as a blanket. He was still cold and so was I, so I asked dh to get our son's fleece from the rucksack in the overhead locker. DH said that he was sure ds was ok (ds still saying he was cold) and that no, he wasn't getting it, that it was a hassle. I waited for 5 min, he still wouldn't get it, so I had to open the overhead locker and bring down the rucksack. He knows I'm going in for shoulder surgery in 2 weeks time and raising my arm is extremely painful, yet he just sat there. I'm so upset I can't stop thinking about it

Take any two people, common interests, great solid friendship and ask them to live with each other for the rest of their lives and I'll guarantee that there will be conflict; but in a marriage, love is the oil that keeps it running.

There isn't enough love there OP.
I've recently had surgery. It breaks my heart to see how much my husband cares and is hurting for me.

There's selfish and there's lack of empathy. He doesn't care about your pain or your child's discomfort. This was a very clear message to you, which is why such a seemingly small thing has such a big impact on how you feel.

You have probably spent most of your relationship trying to work out why he is like it. And finding all sorts of reasons for it like maybe you pissed him off, the kids upset him, he's tired, you're a nag etc etc etc.

But basically he doesn't feel concern about your feelings. It's that simple.

Please, PLEASE don't think you're in too deep to get out. That isn't true.

And you know what? Life is So. Much. Easier. when you're not having to deal with a selfish twat all day. It is such a feeling of relief to know that when you ask for something reasonable, it will just be done. You don't realise how tense you are all the time, waiting to have to defend your point and argue it out.

Get out! Run for the hills! Even if there is more work as a lone parent for a bit, the freedom you will feel will make it worth it.

You don't realise how tense you are all the time, waiting to have to defend your point and argue it out.

OMG shove - that's my relationship with my ex in a nutshell.

We're still in the middle of separating and I don't have my own place yet, but just knowing I don't have to face those crappy bullshit arguments all the fucking time just to get anything done... is great!

I would second this OP and say you can always end it. Yes it is hard and I wavered for a long time - in fact I went through a number of "last straw" moments and came back from the brink because separating seemed like such an overwhelming prospect. But I envisaged myself in old age STILL dealing with this shit from him - because I know he'll never get it – and that did it for me.

I was with a selfish man for 6 years - took an inhuman amount of energy to force myself to leave him and 15 years, one dh and 3 dc later, there's not a week that passes when I don't think how fucking awful life would have been with that selfish prick.

It's not that he's the youngest of four op, he's selfish and will never change. You deserve better. Being with a kind partner who thinks of others before himself is a wonderful way to live.

I speak from experience too Zans! Ain't it just wonderful to breathe the free air again?!

Oh Supermoonshine poor you!! That is awful, of course you'd be upset. But I think it's still really admirable that you kept your cool so your DCs didn't have to suffer more in that flight incident.
Good husband/bad husband? It's hard to pin down like that, I don't know what makes a good husband either. IMO, it's quite easy to be fun/cooperative/'good husbandy' when things are ok. But when you need help, or co-operation (because he shouldn't just help you out, he should be Dad-ing FFS!!!), you give the shirt off your back to your child and he won't help, or even care that DS is cold and you are in pain. Small events like this make all the difference. What's he going to be like when you have the surgery and are in hosp/resting/can't use your arm? Or any other time you can't manage your DCs all alone? It's not fair on DCs to have such a -useless- unhelpful, uncaring dad. But even if you manage to make up for that, you don't deserve someone who makes bad times worse. You deserve support and cooperation, someone to be your partner and put you first.
If you do want to separate, you might find that suddenly one day the burden of pain and stress just lifts, and you're happy and free and don't care to struggle through a difficult, unfulfilling marriage. That's what I found (kinda similar situation) - it was super hard and sad at first and I kept trying to reconcile and make excuses for the other person, but then I got used to the idea of splitting and I just stopped caring and stopped wanting to make it work

Take any two people, common interests, great solid friendship and ask them to live with each other for the rest of their lives and I'll guarantee that there will be conflict; but in a marriage, love is the oil that keeps it running

true, EtTuTuttiFruitie.

This is all just so painful to read, way too close to home. I haven't been able to look at him all evening, I've just kept myself busy and he knows how hurt I am by what he did. He won't apologise, never does. He did make dinner tonight which he hardly ever does so at least he realises that he's done wrong. But somehow that doesn't make me feel better

Things are difficult for me at the moment, they have been for many years and the only joy I get are from my kids. Some of you have asked whether I still love him and it scares the hell out of me, but the answer is that I don't know. Is that enough to leave a marriage? I love my kids, I have a comfortable life and we do get on so I just don't know.

Maybe all these 'I don't know' feelings are normal during a marriage, or during the demise of a marriage. It does worry me that m dcs will see how he behaves and think that's normal. I am forever showing them that it's important to think of how others feel and tbh I think I'm succeeding on that front so happy about that.I just want someone who shows kindness, compassion and empathy, but I can't remember if he showed that when we first met. All very confusing

Good to be considerate of others, but you are sadly also showing them not to give sufficient attention to their own needs and feelings, and to prioritise people who don't reciprocate the kindness.

OP you and your DC's deserve better- you really do. Your DH reminds me of my ex boyfriend. The lightbulb moment hit me when we were out on a group walk and came across an unexpected drop and several people were urging him to help me & he was most reluctant , said he might hurt himself but was shamed into it. I had allowed him so many chances. It would have been easy to ignore but fortunately the lightbulb did switch on.
You deserve to have baths run for you, be cooked for now and then & be looked after when you are ill/ in pain and your DH should offer up his jumper if your child is cold - that is how we show love.
Ignore the silly comments questioning your judgement. Some people are careful to hide their true nature until they feel secure. Stay strong and know that you deserve to be cherished.

Yes agree with Dozer - very sadly I think you are saying it is OK to make yourself a doormat. Sorry if that hurts OP and you sound lovely but if you listen to elderly couples being interviewed they always say that the secret to a happy relationship is "a bit of give and take".

Does your DH do all the taking?

I don't know isn't normal to me - I love my dh and he is caring and thoughtful of my needs; as I am of his. I'm sorry yours isn't. I'd say your don't know is actually a sign you do know you're not in love with him, and no wonder with the way he treats you.

Wow the selfishness is breathtaking!

I don't feel that 'I don't know if I love him' is 'normal' ... Sorry!

I believe most happy couples know each other's shortcomings, but there are a lot of good points to overcome the less good!

To me basic empathy and Compassion and lack thereof would be compete deal breakers...

From your post.... The bottom line is you don't feel cherished /respected? / have your needs taken into account...

There are so many lovely people out there... I would be voting with my feet...

Just going on your post leaving seems like an overreaction and you seem like you might be one of those people whose genuine generosity leads them to be constantly fussing and rearranging and generally not letting anyone have any peace. But you know what's actually happenning in your life.

What have you got in place to help after your surgery?

This is very similar with my Final Straw moment with ExDH. I'd been weighing up whether I loved him or not for months and came to the conclusion that I loved him because he was the father of my child, but I didn't like him.

Final straw? We were going out to a fireworks might. I'd crouched down to strap 18month old DD into her buggy and asked ExFBh to pass me her hat. He didn't even need to move. All he had to do was turn to the side, pick her hat off the coat rack and pass it to me.

He wouldn't and involuntarily I said "I want a divorce."

After 12 years of putting up with his gobshite ways, that was it. Never looked back. ExFBWh revealed even more of his stenchy gobshite ways but I didn't care. I'm now married again to a lovely man who respects me, value me, brings me tea in bed and runs my feet.

You'll find it easier to leave when you realise your children deserve a happier mum. It will be hard. You won't have any money and it's lonely being a single mum.

Work out how you're going to live your life on your own, right down to finances, how you're going to get DCs to school, how much you can afford on a house, extra childcare etc. So your research then present him with a fait accompli. You'll be stronger for it.

Good luck.

Hes a dick and hes going to remain being a dick because he knows you will put up with it (even if you occasionally put up a fuss and explain to him)

I know its not black and white and clean cut....but honestly, if you at a point in a relationship where if living on your own wouldnt mean you were missing out on them helping with anything or contributing anything, whats the point? A relationship should be two people coming together to make each other lives better, not one person taking everything and not giving anything in return. You have yourself a man-child. I can sympathise, i have one too.

C'mon OP, this guy is clearly an entitled twat. Get your ducks in a row. At least get some advice so you have knowledge. Apart from his feeling like he has to cook a meal, there are no consequences to his piss poor behaviour so how long before the next episode ? A week a wasted year. Get your surgery done, get well, get out. If he asks you why, tell him to look in a mirror.

I'm concerned what he will do if the OP does shame him in public by asking someone else to help and stating he won't.

Oh, he'll sulk and play the victim and make out it is OP's fault for being deliberately nasty.

I meant violent

Violent on what basis? That's quite a leap to make!

The OP reminded me of my dh who is also the youngest of four. His siblings joke that he was spoilt and pandered to and I can certainly see hints of it.

He won't do something if he doesn't think it is worth doing or makes a real fuss. Or, even worse, will just pretend I didn't ask for it. Unfortunate for him I'm not like his mother who would roll over when his father is like this. He's like his father in many ways!

I've got to the stage where I've been thinking about whether we have a future together (not just because of this), but because he has his positives and the DCs may suffer if we spilt, I don't know where next. Anyway this is your thread so will not derail.