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Original poster

DH is selfish but this is the last straw?

112 replies

supermoonshine · 19/08/2016 11:52

Been married for 15 years. Dh is selfish, always puts himself first, this puts a strain in our relationship as it's a horrible personality trait. I blame the fact that he's the youngest of 4 and spoilt. I've explained things to him numerous times, but he never changes. We flew back from our holidays 2 days ago, during the flight, youngest ds was complaining he was cold and I gave him my shirt to use as a blanket. He was still cold and so was I, so I asked dh to get our son's fleece from the rucksack in the overhead locker. DH said that he was sure ds was ok (ds still saying he was cold) and that no, he wasn't getting it, that it was a hassle. I waited for 5 min, he still wouldn't get it, so I had to open the overhead locker and bring down the rucksack. He knows I'm going in for shoulder surgery in 2 weeks time and raising my arm is extremely painful, yet he just sat there. I'm so upset I can't stop thinking about it

OP posts:
Original poster
supermoonshine · 19/08/2016 13:23

Strand thing is that it doesn't upset me to hear how you all think he's lazy and selfish. He is, I've known for a long time, lots of little everyday things that make me feel sad. Maybe it's because I go completely the other way, I would do anything for my kids and for others too, I actually enjoy helping/thinking about others so it hurts even more when he acts like this and I just don't get. You don't realise these things before kids come along and now I think I'm just in too deep to get out. He's not a bad husband, not sure I know what a good husband is, but I am so upset about the bag and my shoulder, it's just awful, I don't know how I'm going to forget how he behaved. Maybe I need to be more assertive and I wish I'd called the flight attendant for some help

OP posts:
ZansSerif · 19/08/2016 13:25

Anyway OP, if you've tried explaining and he refuses to get it, and you feel this is the last straw, listen to your feelings.

I've left mine. He also did the thing of I would ask him for help, or to do something (because I had to ask as he'd never notice or just do it on his own initiative) and he'd explain to me why it wasn't necessary in his opinion, to try to get out of it. Bloody infuriating.

Original poster
supermoonshine · 19/08/2016 13:25

strange not strand! Thanks for all your comments btw, makes me realise I'm not over sensitive

OP posts:
diddl · 19/08/2016 13:28

Blimey that's nasty-to both you & your son.

I'm a shortarse & often call my husband to reach things in the kitchen if the steps aren't there & I cba to fetch them.Blush

I feel bad enough for that.

But it only takes husband a couple of minutes to help & it's not as if I never do anything for him!

RainIsAGoodThing · 19/08/2016 13:28

I had a boyfriend like this. Looking back it was a way of exerting power over me (and others). You can't make me do anything, etc.

He was an awful man. I feel sorry for whoever he ended up with.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/08/2016 13:30

Only you can know what is your last straw. I expect you've got a much bigger haystack already than most people would tolerate.

What do you mean by I think I'm just in too deep to get out

You are right about one thing, you don't know what a good husband is if you think he is not a bad one.

BigFatBollocks · 19/08/2016 13:34

Good advice to ignore comments from people asking who would have children with these type of people. It can happen to anyone and for a number of reasons.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2016 13:36

That's for you to decide, but plenty of people have a lightbulb moment like this before they decide enough is enough and get out.

He isn't selfish because he was the youngest of 4, he's just a wanker.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 19/08/2016 13:41

He sounds very selfish to be honest.

I'm not surprised you are cross. It's such a small and easy thing to have helped with - which actually makes the fact he couldn't be bothered so much worse.

I think that's why people have these pivotal moments over seemingly trivial events.

The message he's sending is, don't count on me for anything. I won't put my self out for 2 minutes so be prepared for when the shit really hits the fan for me to run for the hills rather than help if it involves me doing something I don't want or can't be bothered to do.

LineyReborn · 19/08/2016 13:46

Zans you put it much better than me.

Nobody wakes up one day and says "I know! I'll have kids with a selfish twat and blight all our lives"

So sad but true.

And then you have to face up to the horrible truth that (a) you got well and truly 'faked' by a twat, and (b) you're tied to the twat for at least another decade through the DCs. It's traumatising.

greedygorb · 19/08/2016 13:48

Oh god you have my full sympathy.This is the sort of shit my DH does. That's why we are now basically separated. We were married 19 years. It's petty and basically does it because he's lazy. If I called him out he'd say I was nagging him or hadn't asked nicely.

greedygorb · 19/08/2016 13:52

Oh and my DH would've done something like that for anybody else in a heartbeat but never for me. It's like the death of a marriage by a thousand cuts.

scampimom · 19/08/2016 13:53

He's sent you a clear message about where you AND your DS stand in his list of priorities, and it is firmly several steps below his momentary comfort.

I don't think you're over-reacting at all.

Inertia · 19/08/2016 14:03

Yes,he is a selfish arse. Agree with PPs - ask cabin crew / shop staff / helpful -looking people for help next time he refuses, and tell them that you have an injury /disability but your husband won't help.

FetchezLaVache · 19/08/2016 14:09

This prince among men couldn't be arsed to stand up for 30 seconds to get DS's rucksack, so he made up a new narrative to suit his position, in which DS was not cold at all. Sounds like the sort of thing my brother would do - classic narc, cares only about himself.

FWIW I'm the youngest of 4 and still manage to put my own child's needs first! ;)

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 19/08/2016 14:13

He is lacking essential emotions like compassion, empathy ... He will never learn those.

I actually would have punched him in the face for doing that a) not getting his son a blanket when he said he was cold, b) making you hurt your shoulder.

Fuck having a selfish trait - this guy is s complete dickhead.

Life is too short op

Dozer · 19/08/2016 14:14

The thing is OP you can't compensate for him being like this (you mention that you're the opposite and imply that you do loads to compensate for his shitneas). The set up will give your DC the role model of a father/partner being selfish and the mother/partner doing much much more and putting up with it. Not great whether your DC emulate either role.

Plus, they will observe that their father doesn't do things for / prioritise their wellbeing: ensuring that DC are mwarm is pretty basic!

GabsAlot · 19/08/2016 14:22

dozer is right what is that showing your son that dad does nothing for you both-not a good trait and he could copy him one day

VestalVirgin · 19/08/2016 14:24

I blame the fact that he's the youngest of 4 and spoilt.

I have a friend who is the youngest of 7 and a lovely person. Don't make up excuses for your husband.

Get rid of him.

MrsDeVere · 19/08/2016 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 19/08/2016 14:36

Even if someone is very indulged as a child, would it be rare that it carries on as an adult?

I mean they might try, but most of the time surely won't get away with it?

Buzzardbird · 19/08/2016 14:36

Bad husband and crap Father.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/08/2016 14:37

He is a bad husband - that's the first thing you have to understand here

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/08/2016 14:43

Do you do things for your DH like cooking, ironing etc. I think reaching up for that bag will have damaged your shoulder so that it is now impossible for you to do anything like that and he will have to do it all himself until you have recovered from your surgery.

NotYoda · 19/08/2016 14:47

What makes him a good husband, OP?

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