To stop funding (adult) ds's idiocy?

[Yestotallyunreasonable]

Ds (19) is a uni student and I currently top up his uni loan. (For those who haven't got student dcs, believe me the loans do not cover living expenses. DS's loan was less than his hall fees.) He studies a subject related to health.

I'm anti- smoking (which ds well knows) and he has always claimed to think that his friends who smoke are idiots. He says How can they be so stupid to waste their money on that shit? Don't they know what it does to their bodies? etc bullshit etc

Lo and behold, facebook photos of ds on holiday tagged by friends show him fag in hand, cigs in pocket, smoking away. (And funnily enough I notice he immediately unfriended me so I guess he's hoping I haven't seen the photos.)

I'm trying to work out a reasonable approach before he gets back from his holiday. I'm wondering if cutting the money I give him to support him at uni is fair? Why the fuck should I give him my hard earned cash to pay for his disgusting stupid money wasting habit? Is this hysterical overreaction? Too little too late? Measured and sensible?

Things to bear in mind:

• He's adult, independent and I can't stop him if he chooses to smoke fucking idiot
• He has a part time job and is doing very well on a tough academic course.
• Despite his job and my (term time) financial support he is still overdrawn and struggled to pay for this camping holiday with friends.
• He has signed a rental agreement to share a student house next academic year. He has to pay half rent over the summer and without my help won't be able to pay for september.

WWYD? Please tell me.

Do you mind him drinking OP? If not then why are you okay with him using that drug but not nicotine - both of which being legal?

Is this about his health or about the money? If it's about the money he's likely to spend more money on alcohol than cigarettes surely? If it's about health then surely that's his choice and IMO you are effectively blackmailing him to give up because that's what YOU think he should do - it sounds controlling (although I do understand your concerns obviously).

Personally I would mention it and just say that you wish he didn't and that your disappointed but I wouldn't stop helping him out financially at all. The fact you can't tell if it's a normal cigarette or something else suggests it's a roll-up? I smoke tobacco and never spend more than £10 a week on it so if it's a finance thing it's really not that much money in the grand scheme of things.

OP, I hope that if (when) this, or something similar, comes up with my DCs, I am as sensible as you. I don't think you're being OTT or a tiger mum.

BTW, what on earth is "fag poncing"?

Hmmm... Difficult one. When I was at uni, my parents topped up my loan with £200 a month, and this was for me to do with as I wished. I've never smoked, but I imagine if I had been smoking, and my parents found out - both are non-smokers - they'd have been very disappointed in me, and probably docked some money...
That being said, your DS in an adult in the legal sense now, and any major come-back on this risks damaging the relationship.
If it were me... I'd ask him about it before making any decision.

I smoked at uni and my parents found out. Vehemently anti-smoking, GF died of throat cancer, etc. They expressed their great disappointment, out of respect I very very rarely smoked in their presence but they never withdrew any financial support. Obviously, cigarettes were a lot cheaper way back then but still.

Also, I went on holiday every summer when I was a student, cheap self catering paid for by a full time holiday job, of course students can have holidays!

That's an excellent approach OP, well done. Let us know how it turns out.

It's really difficult for young students to deckare independence its ridiculous IMO kids are expected to provide all sort of proof anyway op I think you sound sorted on how to deal with him Mumsnet is great for venting and just getting it out before you dive in to situations. Ime the transition from child to adult children takes a while to get used to

Good luck with the chat.

When I told ds2-19 he was mad to have started smoking and try the occasional spliff he shrugged his shoulders and reminded me that he was aware of the health implications but did them both anyway.

I don't like it but I can't stop him.

Good plan OP. My first thought is that the two issues need to be separated. You base your financial support on the amount he needs to live on. It's his responsibility as an adult, learning to live independently, to budget sensibly. Or to learn, by budgeting not so sensibly, or by not budgeting.

He won't learn if you infantilise him and keep tweaking the purse strings. Especially so if you bail him out. That's where I see the implications of this - you don't bail him out when poor spending decisions leave him short for something essential. Maybe a loan...

Expressing disappointment at his choice, while recognising it is his choice, is treating him as the young adult he is.

V brave / foolhardy of him to have you as a friend on FB! I wouldn't do that until quite grown up to the point of dull, settled and predictable. Ah the freedom of having control over what information about oneself is conveyed - so very much freedom, when I was young.

OP - if your DS says that there are some situations in which he struggles not to smoke, I would actually suggest that you consider buying him a really good vaping kit. There are suggestions on the quit smoking board of MN. A good starter kit is probably around £50, so may be (or at least seem to be) less affordable for a student, but they really are good ways to quit smoking - especially if your DS only smokes occasionally when out drinking or on holiday.