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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop funding (adult) ds's idiocy?

111 replies

Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 10:35

Ds (19) is a uni student and I currently top up his uni loan. (For those who haven't got student dcs, believe me the loans do not cover living expenses. DS's loan was less than his hall fees.) He studies a subject related to health.

I'm anti- smoking (which ds well knows) and he has always claimed to think that his friends who smoke are idiots. He says How can they be so stupid to waste their money on that shit? Don't they know what it does to their bodies? etc bullshit etc

Lo and behold, facebook photos of ds on holiday tagged by friends show him fag in hand, cigs in pocket, smoking away. (And funnily enough I notice he immediately unfriended me so I guess he's hoping I haven't seen the photos.) Angry

I'm trying to work out a reasonable approach before he gets back from his holiday. I'm wondering if cutting the money I give him to support him at uni is fair? Why the fuck should I give him my hard earned cash to pay for his disgusting stupid money wasting habit? Is this hysterical overreaction? Too little too late? Measured and sensible? Confused

Things to bear in mind:

  • He's adult, independent and I can't stop him if he chooses to smoke fucking idiot
  • He has a part time job and is doing very well on a tough academic course.
  • Despite his job and my (term time) financial support he is still overdrawn and struggled to pay for this camping holiday with friends.
  • He has signed a rental agreement to share a student house next academic year. He has to pay half rent over the summer and without my help won't be able to pay for september.

WWYD? Please tell me.

OP posts:
Olives106 · 19/08/2016 11:16

Am a bit surprised by all these people who think students shouldn't go on holiday. I travelled loads as a student, as well as working in the holidays, I thought that was partly what the long summers were for! If you can't go youth hosteling with a sweaty backpack and see the sights when you're a student when can you? Flights are cheap, and if beaches are more your thing you can get a week or two in the sun for peanuts these days if you're young and don't mind sharing crappy accommodation.

It's like all those people who think people on benefits shouldn't ever go away. Most budgeting calculators and so on assume a holiday once a year as a basic entitlement. Even in the days of going down the mine or cotton picking, the poor workers got a week in Blackpool once a year!

MrsJayy · 19/08/2016 11:16

If he is on holiday surely part funded by you and im assuming there is some pints /spirits/ shots involved you are fine with that. I know smoking is revolting but really to cut his money because of smoking is putting conditions on your funding and if he is a regular smoker then he might cut out food or rent to buy fags. I would mention the smoking even tut at him but he is an adult

Olives106 · 19/08/2016 11:17

I think I meant fruit picking or farm working rather than cotton picking. I don't think the slaves in the American south went to Blackpool. Though now doubt they'd have liked to

CafeCremeMerci · 19/08/2016 11:18

I disagree that it's given unconditionally. It's given to help them put a roof over their heads/eat/buy essentials - and allow them the odd treat. Camping, night out with mates. But if he has enough money to go camping, have a few bears and smoke, the OP need not be so generous in future. There's no way I'd be funding them smoking and if I could only be sure I wasn't by stopping the funding entirely I'd do that.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 19/08/2016 11:19

I wouldn't stop / reduce his funding over a photo of him with a fag.
He is young. He MUST be allowed to make his own mistakes.

I'd ask him what changed his mind about the health effects of smoking and if he feels he should re-educate his friends about the relative dangers of it though? Jovially.

But I'd also tell him that I was not available for 'bail out's if he'd messed up his finances due to his cigarette habit.

meowli · 19/08/2016 11:19

This time by unfortunate coincidence, ds2 was sitting next to me looking at the photos

Is this partly about wanting to make an example of ds1 in front of ds2? Would you be stressing so much about it, if his younger brother hadn't seen him?

NickyEds · 19/08/2016 11:19

It's tricky op. Your ds is an adult and as such is at liberty to do whatever legal stupid thing he wants......but he is stuck with a silly system that requires adults to be answerable to their parents financially. If you give him a set amount per month I would carry on, if it's not a ridiculously extravagant amount the he's having to do without something else to pay for the fags.

That's what the sensible me would do-the actual me would probably cry and rage and threaten!

doctoratsea · 19/08/2016 11:20

@CafeCremeMerci "I disagree that it's given unconditionally." then OP should have listed the conditions to what he could spend it on when she gave it to him.

yorkshapudding · 19/08/2016 11:21

In my experience, (having been a smoker myself at your DS's age and lived with several smokers) most people who smoke habitually will always find the money for cigarettes even when they're skint. They just cut back on other things. Cutting your DS's money won't necessarily stop him smoking, it wouldn't have stopped me at that age. I agree with pp that if you give/lend someone money then you have to accept that they will do what they like with it. I don't think you would be unreasonable to tell him how disappointed you are though and that it upsets you to think you're finding his habit. Otherwise it will eat away at you.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 19/08/2016 11:21

Olives:
"I think I meant fruit picking or farm working rather than cotton picking. I don't think the slaves in the American south went to Blackpool. Though now doubt they'd have liked to"

Grin
furryminkymoo · 19/08/2016 11:23

I had a similar situation with a young person that I have supported in the past, what I did about it was to stop giving money in a form that could be used for things like smoking, I got him gift cards rather than cash, Sainsbury's gift cards for example can't be used on tobacco products, I would send gift cards for clothes shops and Amazon gift card for books.

Sainsburys gift cards are great as you either buy a specific one or you can top up an existing one. Other are probably the same. Encourage him to get a Nectar/Tesco Club card etc etc

In your case I would be paying the rent contribution directly and not giving him the money.

You don't need to row about it, just say that you are changing the way that you are paying so as to have piece of mind that the essentials are being covered.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/08/2016 11:25

I have a 19 year old who has developed a smoking habit [roll ups] since starting at University.

I wouldn't stop helping him out because of his smoking, much as I think it's a horrible habit.

Olives106 · 19/08/2016 11:26

Seems a bit drastic in this case, furry, unless the OP has evidence that her DS is spending money on cigarettes and other fripperies instead of paying his rent, food and other essentials?

Lifegavemelemons · 19/08/2016 11:26

I really do understand the dilemma - I'm supporting 2 DC ATM, and can absolutely confirm that the full maintenance loan is less than hall fees - even when they moved into shared student houses it didn't meet the cost. And neither of them is in London.

One of the dcs smoked when they went to uni - they knew my views. I took the line that I'd given them X amount for food and other living expenses. If they spent any of that on cigarettes, alcohol, going out, then they had to budget accordingly. They did give up after a year, fingers crossed your ds will too. I don't think you can take back any money to be fair. But I do understand how hard it is not to resent the money being spent on that when you are the one earning it.

I would recommend trying to detach. Give the money as agreed while he is in ft education and make it clear that after that he's on his own. I've told mine that I will always welcome them home and house and feed them - but anything above that is down to them. I'm the safety net, nothing more, once they graduate.

MrsJayy · 19/08/2016 11:26

Yes tell him how upset you are that he is smoking

AppleSetsSail · 19/08/2016 11:27

My oldest is 13, so it's fair to say my mettle remains untested in this area. That said, I'd withdraw all financial support over smoking.

RedHelenB · 19/08/2016 11:27

I would pay the money you need to make the loan up to the full amount that he would get if you weren't earning too much for it. Anything over and above that I would pay for a specific thing (eg. deposit for rent)

badg3r · 19/08/2016 11:28

Just playing devil's advocate, but apart from personal beliefs about smoking, if it is as purely financial matter, how is it worse than him spending some of the money that you give him on beer? Or take-away? or on getting the bus instead of walking a short enough distance? I think a packet of cigarettes is about a tenner nowadays in the UK for a pack of 17 (?) but if he is abroad then probably cheaper. So at most about 60p per cigarette. If you are not policing other aspects of his finances I don't see why, from a purely financial viewpoint, you can justify doing it for cigarettes. Yes it is not a very sensible decision to start smoking but I would give him some light-hearted grief about it if you want him to know you saw and maybe remind him that DS2 can see his profile too (if he's old enough for FB?) and that he looks up to him.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 19/08/2016 11:29

You can tell him how disappointed you are in him. I wouldn't dock his money as such - can you just pay for essentials like rent and utilities rather than give him a weekly stipend? Can he get a job to support himself?

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 11:31

I agree with everybody here. That's the problem. Thank you for your comments. It's hopefully helped me not to do the screaming shouting thing the minute he gets in the door.

Meowi - astute comment there. Yes, I do feel I somehow have to do something (set some kind of example) for ds2's benefit.

Somehow I felt (wrongly?) that if ds1 kept his smoking secret then it would never be normalised, never happen at home and so would stay at a low level. Now I know and the boys know i know, i can't pretend and ignore, so have to be seen to react.

Some people are saying don't touch his allowance, it's his to waste. Others are saying he clearly has too much if he can afford a holiday. I'm still thinking a token reduction is a fair compromise.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 19/08/2016 11:31

Can you pay your contribution direct to landlord, then your money is paying towards his rent only?

shovetheholly · 19/08/2016 11:31

I'd withdraw financial support and let him get a job to pay the September rent!! Many other students will have to do this.

sherbertdibdab · 19/08/2016 11:38

When I was at uni my parents supported me by paying my phone contract and my oyster card. These were practical and essential but meant that I couldn't spend their money on stupid things (I'm not a smoker but I am fond of shoes!) Might be worth doing something like that, so you are still supporting ds but not his smoking habit.

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 11:38

And just to answer a couple of points that keep being brought up - the camping trip is in the UK and was extremely cheap (no cheap continental smokes where he is though) and he does have a job (which has helped pay for the holiday beers, fish and chips and transport).

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 19/08/2016 11:39

Grin at the cotton-pickers sailing over to Blackpool Grin

It seems likely to me it was just a holiday thing OP. When he gets back, just tell him you're disappointed he's started smoking when you so admired his attitude before. I think that'll be more effective and less draconian than docking his money, especially when you have no idea whether he smokes a cheap-as-chips pack here and there when he's abroad, or several packs a week all the time (and aren't prepared to believe him whatever he tells you on that score!).

And tell him to enable Timeline Review, or disable your ability to see tagged images of him Wink

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